Hello Internet

Well, Well, Well. Who's missed me? I know at least Jamie Golden Martin has! Shout out to Jamie! Anyways So much has happened since my last post. Where to begin? So there was Halloween and Olivia was an Owl, which is basically the best idea/cutest costume ever...well the octopus costume was pretty rad too. My Mom made the costume and she was so adorable that people actually asked to take pictures of her and there are rumors of it being all "abuzz" at the elementary school amongst the mothers. "Oh did you see that little girl dressed up as an Owl, that was the cleverest thing, so adorable". These so called rumors come to me by way of the neighbor across the street who unfortunately missed seeing the costume in person but heard other neighbors raving about it at the PTA or something equally as exciting having to do with elementary schools and mothers. So did you want me to come up with ideas for your child's costume? Cause I apparently have the awesomest ideas! I of course would have to meet the child and get a feel of whatever kind of animal/creature/princess/what have you they most resemble.




Olivia was the perfect little Owl. She said "WHOOOOOOO" at every door we came to and even tried opening the doors herself if they didn't hop to it right away! She got so much candy people just kept dumping in more and more. It got to be so heavy but she wouldn't let anyone hold carry it except for me and only after much coaxing and reassurance that I was just holding it for her. She walked around the block for a good hour and refused to be held even at the bitter end...which was kinda okay by me because that girl is no featherweight! She is so freaking heavy! she is not fat or chubby though, she is like pure muscle, it's crazy how strong this kid is already at almost 2 years old! So anyways yeah, Halloween was definitely more eventful this year seeing how her hypochondriac father refused to take her out in her costume last year because of the swine flu!

Next...we moved out, FINALLY! We live in a little 2 bedroom, 1 bath, 1 car garage home built in 1964. It's super cute and super retro looking with a pink and green tiled bathroom and green tiled kitchen. It has absolutely no carpet which is weird and nice and annoying all at the same time. Weird because most homes have at least carpeted bedrooms and nice because i don't have to worry about dirty carpets and annoying because i am always having to sweep and dust the floors! It's almost all the original wood floors except for the kitchen, dining room and bathroom which have old vintage green and white big tiled linoleum. I really love living here and since Mitchell travels so much with his job it's nice that so far I have felt super secure and safe being here alone with Olivia.

Okay what else? Well I have been working since like mid-October. Which I have conflicting feelings about. It usually ends up being like 25-30 hours a week, mostly evenings. I really like the job. Compared to all the jobs I have had...which have been quite a few, this job is definitely the easiest and most fun. I work at a ceramics studio "Petrogyph". Basically people come in and pick from our once fired greenware ceramics...plates, bowls, platters, mugs, cups, teapots, a large array of figurines and children's banks, etc. They get to paint it with as many colors of paints they desire and then once they are done turn them into us. We then glaze and fire the stuff and they get to return in 3-4 days to pick up their colorful shiny glass object.

Mitch's sister Ashley has worked there on and off for like a thousand years...okay maybe more like 8 years or something like that. His littlest sister Megan also works there, her and I are the newest members of the staff, but she has been there longer than me. So anyways I just basically assist customers with different techniques or ideas for their pieces. We also have quite a few birthday parties, girls nights, baby showers, office parties, etc going on every few days...it's a super fun job. I am officially the oldest person there...my boss is actually only a few months younger and then Ashley is 2 years younger and then the rest of the staff range from 18-20....so I get to feel like an old lady compared to these littles! Not to mention that most of them are like rail thin and like 5 feet tall! So yeah I feel like a giant most of the time ha ha.

I really like getting out of the house and getting a break from spending all day in pajamas being a mom...but at the same time I feel like it's kinda rough on Olivia. She doesn't really have a set babysitter, although most of the time it's Auntie Mickey (Megan). Megan is a Godsend...I literally don't know how I would be able to go to work without her, she always says "yes" and she seems to genuinely enjoy being with Olivia, even though I know Olivia is getting crazier and harder to watch by the day. Auntie Ashy and Auntie Aggie (Allison) have also helped to babysit too...but they aren't as young as Megan, I think Olivia wears them out, lol. And of course Sue and Tony have watched her when they can as well...otherwise if it's the weekend and Mitch is home, they get to hang out all day. I don't know...I feel like her first like 20 months of life I was with her everyday. I rarely left her with a babysitter and when I did it was usually when she was asleep for the night. I feel like she had such a set routine of how life was day to day and now everything is all crazy on the days I work. I know she loves her aunties and her grandparents and her daddy of course, but deep down I feel a huge amount of guilt that I should be the one taking care of her, I'm her mother. I can tell she sometimes gets stressed out with all the chaos and sometimes cries when I leave, which breaks my heart! But we need the money, so what can I do.

Moving on....what's next? Thanksgiving? Well Eric and Chelle and the boys came home for Thanksgiving which was super fun to have them all here, although I worked almost everyday they were in town and all three of us, Mitch, me and Olivia had a pretty wicked cold that is just now going away. We went to Grandma Charlene's house for Thanksgiving. Aunt Christie, Uncle Kip, Joy and her husband, Tim and his wife and Paul were there. And then Aunt Kris and her new husband and Lauren were there. And even Uncle Gary showed up for a few hours and then made his classic early getaway lol. It was really fun to see Joy and her girls, they are such pretty ladies! And Tim and his wife had a new baby. Also I had not seen Lauren since my babyshower and we had fun laughing at all the pictures of ourselves on the walls of the basement!






















Whoa picture overload! Ummmmm next Christmas obviously. It was busy busy at work and thankfully Mitch had the last 2 weeks of December off so he got to spend alot of time with Olivia cause I was working nearly everyday! It was nice to feel like I was doing more with my time other than watching Toy Story and playing with blocks. It is just nice to feel like "Emily" when I'm working not "MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA....I need this or that". I think I forgot I had an identity before getting this job. Although I can't say I feel like the same Emily I was before Olivia...which is becoming more and more okay the more time that passes.

Urghhhh I'm tired of this....I'll do a Christmas post later!

Rocking out!

So since it has been quite some time since I have posted anything that wasn't a cry for "feel sorry for me because..." attention. I thought that since the whole point of this blog was to share pics and stories about the ever charming and dynamic Olivia Marie...maybe I should write something about her. Novel idea, I know.

Psfffttttt, what is new with the Div!? Hmmmmmm well she is 19 months old now and huge as ever! I talked to my sister the other day after Liam had his 12 month old appointment and waited with "hold your breath" like anticipation to hear that he was WAYYYY bigger than Olivia was at that age, NO SUCH LUCK!!!! She was taller than him by an inch and heavier than him by 3 pounds!!!! Aren't boys supposed to be bigger? Sheesh, if I ever have a son he will probably be even more enormous! Whatever I guess she is just gonna be a tall girl. Where she gets this from, who knows! I was looking at my baby book the other day and when I was the age she is now I weighed 19 pounds!!!!! What? Can this be right, could this be a classic mom exaggeration? Olivia was 23 pounds at 12 months and is tipping the scales at about 28 pounds theseadays. Whatever!

So Olivia is amazing in all aspects! She is becoming more and more smart by the day and I cannot believe how fast she is growing up! She is still taking a bottle before bed and still loves the pacifier....hmmmmm yeah I know, I know...bad mom! She is super in love with everyone she knows and is becoming really shy around the people she doesn't know. It's crazy how loud and nutszo she is most of the time but try introducing her to a new person and her eyes immediately hit the floor and she clings to you like static! But she's such a cutie!!

I cannot wait for the Halloween costume reveal, oh it's gonna be so cute!!!!! This was a tough decision...I mean really when you start out as an Octopus for your first Halloween you set the bar pretty high as far as uniqueness and originality goes. And since she still doesn't care I figure I am going make her be whatever I want cause pretty soon we might just venture into all varieties of Disney Princesses for the unforeseeable future. Not that I am anti-Princess, I just was super super girly as a kid because my mother made me wear all kinds of bows and ruffles and frill and I was not so into it...so as long as I get to decide she is gonna be less girly. Which by the way my mother hates!!!!!! "You are making her a tomboy Emily, for goodness sakes put a bow in her hair". Oh mother....no way am I doing that! Besides I am pretty sure it is what is going on below the belly button that makes her a girl...not a giant bow on her head or ruffley socks! But anyways the Halloween costume is gonna be good!!!! Now I just have to start making it....whoops it's already the 15th! Here is a hint...it's an animal and I have already taught her how to make the noise of said animal!!!! Yay!

This is last year's Halloween costume


Okay next topic and the meaning of the post title. Olivia is OBSESSED with rocks! Is that weird or what? In the backyard on the other side of the deck is a row of huge Redwood trees. My mother recently filled the area around the trees with rocks. Not like gravel but smallish to medium sized rocks. A month or so ago while exploring the backyard she discovered this sea of rocks and she loves nothing more than gathering them one by one and setting them on the ledge of the deck. She just lines them up and then either throws them back over the ledge or takes them over to the cat like he should be soooooo excited about her little offerings! So here is my little Geologist at work.










And here is the not even mildy amused look of Shiloh when she lays all her treasures down before him. She really worships this cat...he tolerates her. It's a love/keep away type relationship.

I'm having trouble trying to sleep, I'm counting sheep but running out....

I don't know what is wrong with me. The past week I just cannot sleep!!! I lay there alone and tired but just spinning with thoughts about my crazy life. Monday and Tuesday night I just kept waking up every couple of hours and it took forever to fall back asleep. I thought it was only anxiousness because of the new job I would be starting on Wednesday, which went fine and was actually pretty fun to be around another adult who wasn't a family member....that is if you consider an eighteen year old an adult, lol!

Anyway so the most exciting part of the workday was when Mitch came to pick me up with a very tired way past her bedtime Olivia. She was sooooooo excited to see me, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy holdy holdy Mama holdy pease". Oh my goodness it killed me! She is never all that thrilled to see me. She gets excited for Nana, Boppa, Daddy, Sparky, Papa, Ashy and Mickey but never really me. I guess it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder! It made me feel like a million bucks baby! Usually she is just with me 24-7 and is like...."Mom is boooooring". This is one of those amazing moments as a mother...this is probably the first time I have felt it since she was a newborn and just liked me best because I was full of milk!

But anyways last night I literally was awake ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Oh I am so tired but even now I should take a nap or something cause Olivia is down...but I just can't. I feel so anxious! Trying to find a place to rent, starting a new job, being secretly really afraid to live alone....since Mitch's job keeps him out of town 5 days of the week. I am so freaked out that I will really be alone with Olivia 5 days a week. I think about staying all alone in our apt in Santa Barbara when Mitch would occasionally go out of town. And I know I felt some nervousness about it and it was a really dark neighborhood and pretty unsecure house. But thinking about living anywhere around here and being alone all night long with Olivia really terrifies me.

What if I hear a weird noise, what if something happens, what if there is an emergency and I am somewhere where I know no one....since Mitchell really wants to live in downtown/midtown Sacramento. Granted Sacramento isn't that far from Roseville or Orangevale it's a lot further than down the hall. I'm both excited and scared that Olivia will have her own room. Excited I won't have to share a room with her and I can finally decorate a room that will be all her own. Scared that she will be a separate room and if someone breaks in or something what if they go into her room and I am unaware asleep in the next room. Oh I can't even think about it! My sister always tells me that I worry too much about all the things that could happen...but I can't help it my mind just goes there....everywhere and anywhere were disaster and tragedy strike.

I can't sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeepers Creepers...

Where'd you get those peepers? So lately, in an effort to be inspired to actually print out some of the thousands of photos of Olivia over the last 19 months, I have been perusing my photo galleries on the computer. I don't know if you have noticed but Olivia's eyes are a very odd color. I have never seen anyone else with the same color! I have seen kinda similar but nothing as unique as what my girl has going on.

First they are very dark...in a lot of pictures from a distance they look like they must be brown because they are these big dark orbs staring out at you. They are not brown. In some photos if she is wearing blue they look like they might be a dark blue....they are not blue. And then there are some photos where they look green...they are not quite green. They are not hazel.

Mitch has a deep amber brown. Kind of like the color of the Carmel center of a chocolate candy.

I have....well mine is harder to describe.

Sometimes they look blue, sometimes they look green....most of the time they look green. Which is funny because when I say I have green eyes people are always surprised, check it out and then say "hmmm I always thought you had blue eyes". I think it's because most people who claim to have green eyes really have hazel eyes and so they are used to a more brownish yellowy green as opposed to a bluish green...which is what I have.

So what color describes Olivia? They are like a slate gray color from afar....upon closer inspection they are like a muted brown in the center and on the edges are the blue/green of my eyes. So strange, really unlike any other color I have seen. But the are so pretty! Someone once described them as marble like....they really are exactly like a marble or even the stone marble.

Here is my pretty girl!

You might be wondering...

Where have all the cowboys gone? Wait, no that isn't right...where have all the pictures gone? Yeah that's what I meant...Smileyface.....



Ehhhh I just haven't felt like posting any pictures and I haven't taken any pictures and I know it makes me hypocritical because my favorite thing about other people's blogs are the pictures. I mean sure we all enjoy a cleverly written post...but pictures are like the well proportioned seasoning. If we are relating this to myself, which it's my blog, it would be pepper. I'm a huge advocate of black pepper...I like it, plain and simple. And while mashed potatoes, any variety of soup, salad...what have you, may be good without pepper...it's much better with the pepper. I get it, I know...believe me I know. But again I haven't taken many pictures nor do I know where the cord is to my camera. So shame on me, maybe you'll enjoy the post with just the bland words without any pictures to spice it up?



Whatever I don't care.



So what is this all about? What kind of ramble will I ride today or tonight rather. Or if you are being very technical...this early morning. Hmmmmm I don't know. Just felt like writing, again. The sound of the keys plunking away, the way my head whirls trying to think of something to say...it's all very soothing. Okay let's do the list thing.



1. After months of complaining that my hair is driving me crazy I think I may have finally found a happy place in this growing it out process. Or maybe it's actually putting an effort into doing something with it on a semi-regular basis? I somehow found this hair blog that has been well...kinda an obsession. Remember how I mentioned I tend to get kinda enamored with pretty people? Well this hairdresser is pretty and has cool hair and cool clothes and what appears to me as a pretty cool life. Which is rather unimportant but anyhow reading all her "hair thoughts/ideas/suggestions has really opened my eyes about how to get my hair to look the way I want...or at least as close to what I want. Like did you know you aren't actually supposed to used a flat iron to straighten your hair? That it's like super damaging, that is just supposed to be like a finishing tool. As in all the time I have spent dragging that stupid iron over and over the same section of my naturally wavy/unruly hair has been doing me more harm than good?!!! That if I blowdry my hair and just run the iron over the top part of my hair to get the smooth effect but not stick straight look that my hair actually looks better? Who knew? It literally cuts my hairstyling time in half! And I get to keep the volume and body my hair naturally has...it's making me so much happier....well hairwise. I'm still kinda over the dark hair look...but I really don't want to fry my hair or cut it and so looks like I'm gonna be a dark haired lady for a while.



*Sidenote: It is super weird for me to think that I have always considered myself a blonde, even when it's dark and Olivia has really only known me as a brunette. It's super strange to think that someone as important as my daughter has never seen me as nature intended. Well not entirely true my hair was blonde when she was born and stayed that way for the first 3 months of her life. I remember she was kinda wigged out when I came home with dark hair...but she was super little and I still smelled like her "meals on wheels" and in her baby mind that's all she needed to know.



2. It's almost Halloween. I love Halloween. I mean I have never been all that big on dressing up, well at least not since like 6th grade. But I just love the time of year, who doesn't? I was thinking that in my younger more carefree days, ie like 2 years ago before Olivia was born, I would have like a mini movie marathon during the month of October. I LOVE SCARY MOVIES! Even the bad ones! I would watch a different scary movie every night of the month! This actually started with my roommate Jmo about 8 years ago....WHOA 8 years ago!!!! I wanna do this again, even if it's by myself and we are already 8 days deep into October.....being a Momma makes this sort of thing kinda hard...but we'll see maybe I can start late and at least squeeze in some good horror movies! Too bad I have long since lost any real contact with Jmo, besides Facebook. But again this is my fault I tend to be a hard person to be friends with unless you live with me or I see you everyday like maybe a coworker. I think I have some social anxiety issues but again it's not something I really care too much to do anything about...I have never been one who needed a lot of friends.



3. Okay I have not worn makeup regularly in quite some time. I have pretty good skin, at least on my face, Ha! I mean besides looking extremely pale all the time I have an even complexion and when I do wear makeup I don't tend to look much different than when I don't. Also I only really see Olivia all day and she doesn't care and Mitch doesn't like makeup anyway. Also I am lazy. Also I think that I have forgotten how to apply makeup, if I was ever that skilled to begin with, which I probably was not. Mascara tends to be the only thing I will try to wear...so I at least look like I have eyelashes. Since I am not naturally dark haired I have lighter eyelashes so putting on mascara really does make a difference. So anyway what I have taken a long time to get to is that since I don't wear makeup I don't really see the need to wash my face other than when I am showering. But lately I have felt inspired to wash my face at night and run toner over it. Why? Who knows. But here is what I am noticing. My skin looks worse when I "care" for it. All these facial products claim to help your skin but I feel like it's hurting mine....how does this make sense? I mean I hardly ever break out, like maybe a pimple around that time of the month once in a while. And it tends to not even be anything as serious to even call it a pimple or zit...it's like what Nozema or Clean & Clear or Neutrogena would call a "blemish". Something had I left it alone would go away...but I like to mess with those slightly raised bumps until they end up a zit. And the thought that my teenaged self or even young adult self would consider leaving the house without makeup or not washing my face morning noon and night a fate worse than death is really laughable at this point in my life. Oh young Emily, what a silly girl you were!



4. I am super obsessed with "The Tudors". A warning to any family members reading this...you would not like this show. I mean you would like this show, cause it's super super good, but not "clean" as you would prefer. When I first started watching it someone said "Oh that's such a sexy show"...and that is exactly the right word for it....it is truly sexy! Not like there is some torrid sex scene in every episode....okay maybe every other episode (Wink)...but it's not all about sex that makes it "SEXY"...It's got beautiful costumes and beautiful people and just....well it's nice looking I guess. And it makes me remember why I loved all the AP history classes I took in highschool, why history was my favorite subject. Then I remembered why all the passion for history died...Sierra College. Oh I took a European history class there with who can remember the name of the teacher and it was sooooooooooo BORING!!!! DRY!!!!! BLEH!!!!!!!!! History is really about who teaches it. I had a great history teacher in High School. And not that this "Tudors" show is historically accurate all the time....but enough to remember that crazy shiz went down and goes down all the time and people tend to be the same no matter what the time in history. I LITERALLY CANNOT STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW!!!!!!! Check it out...well if you can handle the occasionally boob, bum or steamy make-out sessions. Annie, don't go near this ;)



5. Being a mother can involve a lot of guilt. Maybe I should make her something that isn't mac and cheese....but she will eat mac and cheese, she never eats anything! Maybe I shouldn't let her watch so much NickJr....but what else I am supposed to do when I just don't feel like moving because I stayed up too late watching "The Tudors". Urghhhhh is that her waking up from her nap...I'll just pretend I don't hear her until she gets really loud. I should be better about brushing her teeth....but she freaks out when I try to get her mouth open. Crap I didn't write down the exact date she got her teeth in her babybook....I'll just put down the closest guesstimate. I have not printed out one picture of her for a photo album....well I have thousands of pics saved on my computer...what if it crashed and I lost the files? Urghhh I really feel like I am doing the best I can on most days and then some days I feel like I could do better, and then I just feel like I am not being honest with myself when I think I am doing okay. Being a parent is hard...who knew?




Okay that's enough of the nothings...have you even read this far?

Stick a fork in me...

I feel like "I'm done". I feel stressed out. I feel nervous. I feel sad. I feel like I can't "keep on keeping on". I don't know what to say, I don't know where to begin and I don't know who reading this could possibly relate. Okay...let's begin here. There was never a time in my childhood where I felt uncertain about security. Uncertain about money, uncertain about where I was living, uncertain about the fact that my parents would always take care of everything and I could just...exist in a comfortable childhood. Sometimes I feel like I was so sheltered as a child, so kept from ever having to feel any stress about anything having to do with money, that it somehow ingrained something in my mind that just made me think that money was never anything I had to worry about. It also made me quite irresponsible and carefree with money I would earn as a pretend adult....you know the years before having my own children.

I feel grateful for the fact that while there are so many things to question as a child in life, I never had to question my home, that there would always be food on the table, that Dad would always have a job and make money, that I would more often than not get the materials things I desired, that there would be presents at birthdays and Christmas, that we would have a car that would always start, that life was stable and secure. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have grown up this way...but I find that it sometimes is a real problem when it comes to relating to Mitchell. It also has created in me an idea that one day my life would be the same as the life I had as a child...that things would just work out, somehow? Obviously my life as a parent has started off so far away from the way it was for my parents. I don't know....I just don't even know what to say.

Okay, so about Mitchell. I would not say that he was some poverty stricken child, but I know there were many times that financially things were a struggle for his family. His parents got married pretty young, had baby after baby and having a steady job and income took precedence over any educational goals his parents may have had. And education usually means better jobs, more money, job security. They moved alot, there were times they stayed at his grandmother's house, I know Mitch didn't have the extravagant birthdays and christmases we had...but we also only had 3 kids, they had 7. Tony (Mitch's Dad) did what he had to do to support his wife and his family, he still does what he has to support his family. There was never any shortage on love in his family, but money was a concern. Mitch's life was very different than mine as a kid. And it causes all kinds of problems when it comes to understanding eachother's concerns, thoughts and ideas of how life should be. Especially now that we are trying to move out on our own for the first time since we moved back to NorCal 2 years ago, the first time as parents. I guess I tend to have the inclination to think everything will somehow work out while Mitchell is often very very afraid of failure that it causes him to not have a strong pull to take a risk.

So here is where we are today. Mitchell is working as a contractor for his job as a computer programmer. Which means he works when there is work and then gets layed off when there isn't work. There has been pretty steady work for the past 6 months but there is never any guarantee. I don't work. I recently got a job that should start mid October. It's by no means a big deal, just a few days a week at a ceramics studio working for just a little more than minimum wage. So we are supposed to move out. We were supposed to move out in Sept but couldn't really find anything.

Here we are looking for a place and Mitch's job is only scheduled to the end of October. Which doesn't mean necessarily that it's over after that...I mean it has been that way for a while, not knowing if there is work and then something comes through before the other job ends and it works out. But there has been times that something doesn't come through and he can be out of work for a week or two or more or indefinitely. So he is understandably worried about money...feeling more drawn to have me move in with his parents and family and then see what happens and if things will work out in the long run and we can find somewhere. I feel stressed out. I feel like I understand his concerns, he has suggested maybe I find Full Time work. I get it, I understand why he could suggest this, I want to do my part to step up, but it hurts at the same time.

I have been taking care of Olivia her whole life. I have barely even left her with a babysitter and never more than like 2-3 hours and it is always with a family member. She drives me insane some days and I remember how much easier working Full Time is compared to being a Full Time mother. But it literally makes me sick to think of leaving her Full Time. I have never been someone that one might perceive as a control freak but when it comes to Olivia I am very very very possessive of her and how she spends her time.

There have been times when I have been sick and Mitchell is taking care of her and I will just lay in bed completely stressed out that he might be "doing something wrong". Didn't feed her enough, fed her too much, isn't dressing her right, isn't giving her enough naps, not making sure she drinks enough fluids, or bathing her all wrong. The other day actually I had a migraine and Mitchell came over and Olivia needed a bath. I had this huge internal struggle to hear him bathing her. I just kept thinking what if he doesn't get all the shampoo out of her hair, what if he doesn't condition her hair it will be all frizzy, when she gets out he won't put lotion on her and will probably dress her in some weird outfit....I got out of bed and went and bathed her myself. The idea of relinquishing control over her life and routine...it brings me to tears...I am crying now!

She is just used to me and how we do things and she is definitely a child who needs and enjoys a routine. I feel like letting someone else take over her care, it makes me feel like she will think I love her less. Because taking care of a baby/child isn't always super exciting but you do it because of all the love you have for them. I feel like if I let someone else do it...it somehow divides my love and I don't like the idea of someone loving her more than me. But I don't want to live with my parents and I don't want to live with Mitch's parents and I don't want to put all the burden on Mitchell...but I also have someone inside of me screaming how unfair this is, that I can't have the life I am used to, that Olivia won't have the same childhood. I know that it's a selfish thought, I know it makes me look spoiled and immature...but it's how I feel.

I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball somewhere and hope it all goes away.

*Insert clever post title here*

So I can't think of anything to name this post. I can't really think of anything to write about for this post. But sometimes I just feel the need to write...or type...or ramble on to the blogosphere. The past week I have been sick. Olivia got a cold...I get a cold...Mitchell gets a cold. I don't know where it came from, usually these things originate with Mitchell because he works in State Healthcare buildings. Actually works in the hospitals and health centers for those Americans who happen to find themselves in prison. But anyway it seems Olivia was the first to get to sick so maybe Mitchell isn't to blame this time. We did take her to the park on Friday, the play center in the Mall on Saturday and she seemed to get a runny nose by Sunday. We don't tend to frequent public parks or playcenters often...because, well...I'm pretty anti-social. Yes I know this makes me a bad mother, my mother lets me know this as often as possible "Emily you need to take her to places where she is around other children, blah, blah, blah". So see what happens when she is around other kids and their germs!!! She gets sick and now I am sick.



This is probably the third time I have been sick since becoming a mother. This doesn't count migraines or PMS. The first time was when Olivia was 2 months old and I got Mastitis, the next time was about the same time last year and Olivia and I were both sick with what I swear had to been the Swine Flu...it was terrible! And now this blasted cold! This is by the far the least painful of the three but at the same time feels like the worst because it's more annoying than anything else. I feel like my head has been taken over by congestion...I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!! And so having to breathe through my mouth makes for trouble when trying to eat and then of course sleeping is pretty near impossible. Urgh, I feel like I am going to be sick forever! And how is it that Olivia was over it in like 2 days and here I am like going on 4 days and I really don't feel any better?

I knew I should not let her kiss me or get her snotty nose on me, but how can you resist such a cuddly little sicky baby boo!!!???? Geez it's ridiculous how much I love this kid....even more ridiculous considering she often makes me feel like I am losing my mind!!

Ahhhh the joys of "Mommyhood".

Letting go....

I have never been particularly good at letting go, at saying goodbyes, at looking at something and being sensible enough to say I don't need that anymore. A clear example of this is sitting beside my bed. The "Boppy". For the maybe one of you that doesn't know what a "Boppy" is, it's a nursing pillow. It sits and hugs you around the waist giving the baby a place to lay and be supported while breastfeeding. The Boppy is probably the greatest invention of all time when it comes to breastfeeding mothers....because I think the most inconvenient thing about BF is if you forgot the Boppy and you have to be the one to hold that dear little heavy head. I mean obviously people got by before the Boppy, but the Boppy is probably one of the reasons I enjoyed nursing so much...it was so easy. Just prop the baby up and bam.....your hands are free to do all kinds of things or do nothing and you can just fall asleep.

Anyways Olivia has not been a breastfed baby since December of last year and yet the Boppy is still right next to my bed. Probably a month after she stopped breastfeeding my mom says "Emily why don't you put that Boppy away, you obviously don't need it anymore". I probably gave her a dirty look and said simply "I'm not ready to put it away yet". You see it wasn't my idea to stop nursing, I loved it. Olivia has never been all that snuggly or cuddly as a baby and the only time I could hold her and snuggle her close was while nursing. I wanted to make it all the way to a year, She just decided at about 10 months she was not into it anymore and that was that. She is quite the determined little thing and I could not persuade or change her mind. So still feeling that bite of rejection from my 10 month old daughter I could not bear to part with my dear Boppy. And so it has sat for the last 8 months.

I am not ready to accept that fact that Olivia is not a baby anymore. I mean of course she will always be "My baby"....but the fact that she is getting bigger and smarter by the second...well I turn a blind eye. I don't understand how people deal with this because it is for sure a tale as old as time, as long as people have been having babies. I guess people just have another baby...but that is not an option for me at the moment. Next month my nephew Liam turns a year old as does Olivia's other cousin Ezra who was born to Mitchell's brother and his wife on the exact same day. Even this makes me sad. How in the world can those babies be a year old!!!!! And if they are a year old then that makes Olivia even older!

I keep wondering when does it stop, when does it slow down?! When do you say your child's age and it seems exactly right? Because when someone asks me now it's like "hmmmmmm pause....18 months.....is that right", most of the time people are shocked and say "Oh big girl", which makes me want to punch them in the face! It's true Olivia is closer to the size of a 2 year old....she is crazy tall! I have another nephew "Abraham" that is 7 months older than Olivia. He has the opposite problem, he's teeny tiny! People ask how old he is and when you say 2 they look at you like "are you sure". I would rather Olivia be too small than too big because with this too big stuff there is no fooling anyone about her age! Ohhhhhhh why, why, why!!!!????? Why can't she be a baby forever!!!????

I like the baby section of the store too much to have her be growing up as fast as she is. No matter what I go to the store for....I always, always go to the baby aisle. I like to look at the bottles and pacifiers and receiving blankets....have to remind myself that there is no possible way I could convince Olivia to let me swaddle her. Oh it's painful! Why does Olivia have to be hell bent on getting big!!!???

I hate it!

I feel left out....

Once in High School I felt left out because my two of my best friends were on the Drill team and I was not. So what did I do? Sophomore year I tried out again (yup didn't make it the first time) for the team and made it....just to not be left out.....worst High School experience probably ever! I hated the uniforms, I hated the stupid windbreaker like warm-up outfit we had to wear on "game days", I hated performing, and probably most of all I hated that I was "on the Drill team". Call it "dance team" all you want...everyone else knows you are on the Drill team and everyone else associates it with not being "cool, thin or pretty enough" to be a cheerleader. My six year older brother when hearing I was doing the whole "Drill team" thing said..."You joined the Moo Crew, but you aren't even fat". Yup even a six year absence from High School and my brother knew just how "uncool" I was. Not to mention the braces and headgear I was supposed to attach with tiny rubberbands to my braces at night while I slept, I was such a nerd. I don't know why I thought I needed to feel included. As an adult I can't say I have ever felt such an urge to push myself into an uncomfortable situation to feel like part of the crowd....these days I could really care less about any quirks or idiosyncrasies that make me....well, me.

So I feel left out these days. And no I am not planning on joining some sort of 10 year high school reunion Drill team....thank Heavens. No this time it's less personal. It just seems like everyone is pregnant or having a baby and dare I admit that I am kinda jealous. Pregnant ladies everywhere or newborn cries echoing through the grocery store. What is happening?!!! Or even just hearing someone say "Oh we are trying to have another one", green....green....GREEN with envy. I wish I could have another baby. I am obviously not in a place in my life...financially, stability or secure enough in my "unconventional little family" to be lucky enough to whisper secretively "Oh well nothing official but we are trying to have another"....

Can I just say that when most people say "Oh this is not where I imagined my life would be at this age", they really have no idea just how weird things could be. I feel like I am perfectly qualified to make that claim. AGhhhhhhhhh if my life were a movie and the camera was recording me at this moment blogging away it seems like an appropriate time for the soundtrack to kick in with.....

"The sun will come out tommorrow".....or maybe "Ohhhh child things are gonna get easier".....or even at my more dramatic time of the month REM's "Everybody hurts"....


So in case you might be wondering....


"This is soooooo not where I thought I would be at 29 with my first child".


But as far as children go....just for the record....I have the most beautiful, extraordinary, and amazing baby ever!

Even though I guess she is not really a baby anymore....one day, one day hopefully there will be more!

So is this a warning?

Last night was not unlike any other...except it was the first night in about a week that Olivia has slept in her crib and not her playpen. After a week of Mitch working locally and spending the night at the Benveniste house almost every day. Then the weekend of traveling to LA for Erica and Eric's wedding. That's right Mitchell's cousin Erica married someone named Eric...pretty funny and cute. Olivia was finally back home at Nana's house and sleeping in her crib...not in a carseat, not a playpen and not in between Mitch and I. I made sure she had two solid naps yesterday knowing she was mentally and physically pretty worn out from the weekend celebration and all the hours spent in a carseat. She napped pretty well and after a dinner of baked fish, peas and applesauce she was in bed around 8 pm.

She didn't make a fuss just snuggled up to her Pluto pillow pet, looped her fingers into the tags of her Taggie blanket and after checking to make sure she had her stockpile of pacifiers and Stuffy was nearby...I shut the door and she quietly drifted off to sleep. I went to bed around 11:30. As I laid in bed, not really all that tired I listened to Olivia thrash around in her crib. She can be quite the wild sleeper when she is overstimulated. She wasn't awake, just restless in her bed.

A few hours later I am awoken by a weak whimper...followed by thrashing. I think she is probably just dreaming and will settle down. After some consistent thrashing she begins to cry. Then she starts crying my name....while just plain old regular crying can be kinda ignored when she crys out my name "Mommy, Mommy, Moooooooomeeeeee", that is the worst. Then she says it "No paci Mommy, No paci, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, paci, paci, paci Mommy". At first I am not sure if that is what she is really saying but I get up in the dark and go to her. My fingers fumble around through the sea of blankets, stuffed animals and pillow pets and I can't find her pacifier. She grabs ahold of my arms in the darkness and more calmy whines "Mommy, paci...paci Mommy", sure enough I can't find one. Which seems completely crazy since every night I put her to bed with at least three in her crib, not to mention others she seems to hide in the crevices between the crib bumper and the rails. I finally find one on the floor and give it to her, through her pacifiered mouth she says "dank u Mommy".

And of course she wants to be held after such traumatic events of not being able to find a pacifier. And of course I try three times to lay her down after she has fallen back to sleep and of course everytime she wakes up and starts to cry more dramatically than I have ever heard her cry. Finally after some Motrin and a bottle she goes all limp and twitchy and I know this time she won't protest me laying her down alone in her crib.

I fall back to sleep.

Now here I am wondering if what I heard was really "paci"....oddly enough while she talks non-stop and will attempt usually successfully to say any word you ask she has never referred to her pacifier as anything. She usually just points at it when she wants it. And usually she has been given it during stressful moments without having to ask for it. Hmmmmmmm. So here is what I know.

I know she loves her Pacifier.
I know she rarely ever refuses it.
I know she is cutting teeth pretty aggressively and therefore wants it more.
I know toddlers can become addicted to pacifiers.
I know she has never fallen asleep without it...well that's not true. She used to fall asleep while nursing...but kept her mouth securely latched on. Hmmmm and about the time she stopped breastfeeding was when she gained such an affinity for pacifiers.

So while I have heard my mother's warning about weaning her off of pacifiers because she will become too attached I am still wondering if it is really a problem with my Olivia. I have also heard warnings that pacifiers can contribute to delayed speech...well that is definitely not a problem she never shuts up! Then of course the crooked teeth factor....whatever hers are barely crooked and I think they look cuter this way.

However last night's dramatics was the first time I ever really acknowledged that maybe she has become too reliant on the pacifier.

Selfishly I am not ready for her to be done with the paci. Dare I say I like that she still uses a pacifier? I think she looks like a baby and extra cute with it in her mouth. When I have to, every couple of days, do a pacifier roundup...gather all her pacifiers from their usual hidding spots, I feel a weird sense of happiness and calm to see so many pacifiers in one place. Green, pink, purple soothies all layed out to be washed otherwise they would be covered in hair, crumbs and dust. They look like a bouquet of flowers.

There has only been one occasion that I regretted pacifiers. It was at Mitch's brother's wedding. Olivia was sooooo tired and just over all the action that the only way to keep her quiet and calm was to give her the pacifier. So upon looking at pictures of her at the wedding and seeing just how many pictures contain the paci as well....I kinda cringed...."Urghhh I should have taken it away and the pictures would have been so much cuter". Actually I think I was in the presence of Mitchell's mom and felt some sort of moral obligation to express my feigned disgust for her pacifier dependancy, embarrassed to admit that I actually don't see a problem with pacifiers. You see I remembered when she was a newborn and Mitchell and I would try in vain to shove a pacifier in her mouth Sue would always exclaim "Oh get that damn pacifier out of her mouth". To my surprise when I mentioned that the pictures would be better without the paci, Sue just said "Oh it's not a big deal, it's cute actually".

So here we are...a week or so shy of 18 months and the pacifier problem is just becoming more intense...and I say....

Who Cares!!!!!!
C'est La Vie!

Well....

It has been a while. I can't think of anything to "blog" about. But I had noticed that it had been some time since I posted anything new. What's new.....nothing. My life as usual is in chaos and madness. I guess I could write about that.... What else? My hair is driving me insane but again that is nothing new. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this whole "growing it out" stuff. I am so bored of my hair....bored of the length, bored of the color....bored, bored, bored. Which isn't too surprising because usually when my life is about to make some dramatic turn that I feel like I have no control over I change my hair because it seems to be the only thing I can control. Kinda like how an anorexic person feels like their life is so out of control that at least they can control what they eat....you know that compulsion seems a little more productive lol.....awwwww so yeah I still can't seem to accept the fact that any weight loss I will have will be slow and actually require effort. Okay so really what's happening these days Emily...is what you are probably thinking...maybe I could give you a quick rundown.

Well first maybe a review then a rundown....

February 2008 moved to Santa Barbara to be with Mitch at UCSB
June 2008 Mitch graduated and I unexpectedly got pregnant...didn't tell anyone til Oct.
Novemeber 2008 quit my job and moved back to NorCal to live with Mitch's family. The plan was to live there while Mitch tried to find a job and hopefully be out before the baby.
March 2009 Olivia Marie Benveniste was born...best day ever...followed by the 2 day hospital stay which was probably the happiest 2 days of my life.

Things got stressful. We were still living with Mitch's parents and 2 sisters and 2 dogs in a small house and then a bunch of other stuff started to go down with his Dad's health and Grandmother's Health and Mitch lost his job...there was no moving out. The stress of having a new baby in a house full of people got to us and we fought ALOT....this added more stress to everyone else living there with all their other stresses. People were always getting involved in our fights...people took sides...usually mine and it was just a disaster...

Septemeber 2009 Olivia and I moved out and into my parents house. It wasn't my choice really but I didn't blame his parents for needing to eliminate "our problems" from their own mounting problems. I didn't want to go, I didn't want to stay either...didn't know what to do except cry ALOT usually in the shower where no one knew about it. Mitch got a job with his Dad's company but it was contract type thing so he would work and then get laid off...and so on and so on. Things got better. It was good for Olivia to be in a quieter home...less people to interrupt naps and what not. I felt like I could breathe...things got better with Mitchell and I. My parents gave us a deadline to move out in March 2010...that seemed like it could work.

End of January 2010 Mitchell's Grandmother passes away and he gets laid off indefinitely. March is getting closer and it looks like we won't be moving out. Everyone seems to quietly acknowledge it isn't going to happen.

March 2010. Squidey's birthday!!!!! She is one year old and the only thing that makes me happy in life...although she is good at driving me crazy too!

May 2010 Mitch gets a contract to work again for at least 6 months if not longer. Mom and dad give a new move out date of Sept 1 2010

June 2010 the jobs he was contracted to do get canceled. He does work for the state so no money no new computers installed in state facilities.

July 2010 Mitch starts working with his Uncle and is contracted for at least a year....yay we can move out.

August 2010 Mitch who has a congenitive heart defect since birth has pain in his chest and arm...thinks he might be having a heart attack....after a sleepless night decides that even though he has no health insurance he would rather be safe than dead and goes to urgent care to get a EKG....they call 911 and an ambulance rushes him to the ER. He didn't have a heart attack but found out they he has developed a common and fairly benign complication due to his heart condition. A "right bundle branch blockage"...something that he could live the rest of his life with that will occasionally cause weird sensations in his beating heart, but not likely kill him any sooner than usual...but he has a weaker heart anyway from a birth defect that led to open heart surgery at 5 months of age. Sooooooo MASSIVE HOSPITAL AND AMBULANCE BILL....

He takes the following week off of work...works a week and then finds out that there is no work the next week...so August will be a month of just 2 weeks of pay instead of 4. So with car payments, insurance, student loans...etc...there seems to be no money left over to move out with...and since we are both pretty good procrastinators of course we have waited until the absolute deadline of Sept 1 to plan on moving out....well now it looks like it's not happening.

But wait.....there is a solution....thanks to Mitchell of course.

"My parents say you can move back in over here for a couple of months or maybe since they want to move anyway we can find a bigger house and help pay the rent or mortgage and then we would have more space".....

...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

What??????

Okay now this isn't the first time Mitchell has suggested this and there was a time when one of his sisters was going to move out and there would be a spare room so Olivia would have her own room and me moving back in was suggested again. She didn't and I didn't want to move back in anyhow. Also the job Mitchell works requires that he travels so he is gone 5 days a week so I am all alone to take care of Olivia 24/5. That's 24 hours a day, 5 days a week. Now I love the Benvenistes just like they are my own family, well they are my family for all intents and purposes...but I really really don't want to live with someone's parents, be it mine or his....just been doing since I was 6 months pregnant and I am OVER IT.

But now it's like what choice do I have? It has been suggested that I get a job to help out with money and I would get a job and have applied for some but rarely do I get a call back. The ones I do hear from either want me to work overnight or full time. Since it's just me and Olivia because Mitch is out of town during the week it's just problematic with Olivia and childcare and I am not going to be away from her fulltime...so what she never sees her mother or father...yeah no way.

So here I am....on the cusp of reliving my life of a year ago at Mitchell's parents house. Only this time with a crazy deftly mobile investigative child instead of a stationary newborn.....have you been to that house? Not exactly baby-proof and definitely not as big as the one she is used to living in. And don't get me started on all the emotional aspects of this whole thing....

Well since you mentioned it....

It breaks my heart that Olivia got the boot from the only home she ever knew as a newborn...now she is getting the boot from the home she has really become to know as "her home". It breaks my heart that she will be confused. She will come visit "nana and Grandpa Larsen" and run to her room and all her stuff will be gone. She is a smart baby and she will not understand why all this is happening. I mean I was sad about it anyway even when I thought we would be moving into our own place as a family (me, mitch and Olive) but that is what is supposed to be happening. Now it's putting her through all this to just move back. It breaks my heart for her and for me as a first time mother that she never had a nursery and she has never had her own room...depressed, depressed, depressed.

I recently read a book in which a young girl grows up with a struggling single mother. The daughter once says something about always moving and never feeling like she had a home. The mother replies "I am your home". While the mother was a pretty selfish self-centered person and not likable at all in this book....that quote resonated with me, it touched me as a mother, as a daughter....it just felt so true and yet so simple. That as long as you have your mother, maybe that's all the home you need.....in mine and Olivia's case I hope that is true.

The Trouble with Olivia

My heart confirmed yesterday something I had been suspecting all along. Something having to do with my first born, my only born. It had been sneaking up on me like a stalking cat; quiet, slow, methodical.....deadly.


The trouble with my Olivia is that she is growing up....

The trouble with Olivia is that she should look like this...
But she looks like this....
The trouble with Olivia is that when she sleeps she doesn't curl her feet and legs up like this...
Which gives me the sneaking suspicion that somehow she is no longer a newborn baby. How this happened in the last 17 months I am not really sure. How her eyes became unswollen and her nose popped back up from being squashed during the whole being born process befuddles me. Despite all efforts to keep a pacifier in her mouth and feeding her a bottle of warmed milk every morning she seemed to have found the loop hole in my hard work of keeping her a baby.

I was living in a world of denial. So she's smiling now, so she's laughing now, so she's sitting up now, so she's crawling now, so she's pointing at things now, so she's got teeth, so she's walking now, so it's her first birthday, so she is running now, so she is drinking milk instead of formula, so what that she is talking up a storm and following directions now....I still wasn't completely convinced of her grown upness.

Then it happened...

Ashley, Megan, Olivia and I were at Target shopping for such benign things as facewash and body lotion when around the corner came a stroller. And this was no ordinary Graco or Chicco. This was one of the fancy smancy ones that really aren't all that practical but will induce awes from women and mothers everywhere. It's like a bassinet on wheels. Which why in the world you would want to take a baby out of the carseat to transfer baby to this bassinet stroller just to have to move the baby back to the carseat later. I mean it just seems like alot of work unless you were planning to spend the entire day at Target, which seems as good a place as any for a new mother to spend her day. The whole "travel system" seems alot more convenient, but definitely not as cute. They are very charming little devices...a baby bed on wheels

Inside this cute little mobile cocoon lay a little bitty swaddled bundle of newborn baby. Asleep and still....right then and there after Olivia pointed at the little thing and announced "baby", I realized that the little thing in my cart was more of a child than a baby. My heart sank to remember Olivia those many months ago when she too was a helpless caterpillar looking bundle. My only thought was "How could this happen".

What happened next needs some explaining and it didn't really "happen" as much as some little innate switch was flipped inside of me.

Have you heard of the term or phrase "baby hungry". I have heard this phrase uttered many times by family members. I mean the meaning is obvious enough but it always sounded so stupid to me. It sounds desperate and lame and although I have been desperate and lame many times in my life I would never openly admit to it.

But maybe it's something only someone who has already had a baby can truly experience. One look at that newborn and I just felt this pang in my heart....."I have to have another baby". There was no denying that I was feeling "baby hungry" and that is exactly how it felt. I took one look and all of a sudden just felt starved, completely emaciated. My body felt like it was lacking something and longing for something and that "something" was that baby!

Don't get me wrong...Olivia is the cats meow, the bees knees, the cherry on top....I just realized for probably the first time that I have to have another baby. Because I just might die if I don't. I mean that's what happens if you starve right?

And since I am just hungry and not quite starving yet it's safe to say it's not gonna be anytime soon...

Let's just hope there is more Benveniste/Larsen genetic projects on the horizen somewhere!

And as promised more pics from sister visit

So when I wrote the Disneyland post I wanted to add more pics but Blogger was acting crazy or maybe I was just crazy because I couldn't seem to get any more posted. So here are some more pics from 4th of July, Mom's Birthday and then looking snazzy for Church