Stick a fork in me...

I feel like "I'm done". I feel stressed out. I feel nervous. I feel sad. I feel like I can't "keep on keeping on". I don't know what to say, I don't know where to begin and I don't know who reading this could possibly relate. Okay...let's begin here. There was never a time in my childhood where I felt uncertain about security. Uncertain about money, uncertain about where I was living, uncertain about the fact that my parents would always take care of everything and I could just...exist in a comfortable childhood. Sometimes I feel like I was so sheltered as a child, so kept from ever having to feel any stress about anything having to do with money, that it somehow ingrained something in my mind that just made me think that money was never anything I had to worry about. It also made me quite irresponsible and carefree with money I would earn as a pretend adult....you know the years before having my own children.

I feel grateful for the fact that while there are so many things to question as a child in life, I never had to question my home, that there would always be food on the table, that Dad would always have a job and make money, that I would more often than not get the materials things I desired, that there would be presents at birthdays and Christmas, that we would have a car that would always start, that life was stable and secure. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have grown up this way...but I find that it sometimes is a real problem when it comes to relating to Mitchell. It also has created in me an idea that one day my life would be the same as the life I had as a child...that things would just work out, somehow? Obviously my life as a parent has started off so far away from the way it was for my parents. I don't know....I just don't even know what to say.

Okay, so about Mitchell. I would not say that he was some poverty stricken child, but I know there were many times that financially things were a struggle for his family. His parents got married pretty young, had baby after baby and having a steady job and income took precedence over any educational goals his parents may have had. And education usually means better jobs, more money, job security. They moved alot, there were times they stayed at his grandmother's house, I know Mitch didn't have the extravagant birthdays and christmases we had...but we also only had 3 kids, they had 7. Tony (Mitch's Dad) did what he had to do to support his wife and his family, he still does what he has to support his family. There was never any shortage on love in his family, but money was a concern. Mitch's life was very different than mine as a kid. And it causes all kinds of problems when it comes to understanding eachother's concerns, thoughts and ideas of how life should be. Especially now that we are trying to move out on our own for the first time since we moved back to NorCal 2 years ago, the first time as parents. I guess I tend to have the inclination to think everything will somehow work out while Mitchell is often very very afraid of failure that it causes him to not have a strong pull to take a risk.

So here is where we are today. Mitchell is working as a contractor for his job as a computer programmer. Which means he works when there is work and then gets layed off when there isn't work. There has been pretty steady work for the past 6 months but there is never any guarantee. I don't work. I recently got a job that should start mid October. It's by no means a big deal, just a few days a week at a ceramics studio working for just a little more than minimum wage. So we are supposed to move out. We were supposed to move out in Sept but couldn't really find anything.

Here we are looking for a place and Mitch's job is only scheduled to the end of October. Which doesn't mean necessarily that it's over after that...I mean it has been that way for a while, not knowing if there is work and then something comes through before the other job ends and it works out. But there has been times that something doesn't come through and he can be out of work for a week or two or more or indefinitely. So he is understandably worried about money...feeling more drawn to have me move in with his parents and family and then see what happens and if things will work out in the long run and we can find somewhere. I feel stressed out. I feel like I understand his concerns, he has suggested maybe I find Full Time work. I get it, I understand why he could suggest this, I want to do my part to step up, but it hurts at the same time.

I have been taking care of Olivia her whole life. I have barely even left her with a babysitter and never more than like 2-3 hours and it is always with a family member. She drives me insane some days and I remember how much easier working Full Time is compared to being a Full Time mother. But it literally makes me sick to think of leaving her Full Time. I have never been someone that one might perceive as a control freak but when it comes to Olivia I am very very very possessive of her and how she spends her time.

There have been times when I have been sick and Mitchell is taking care of her and I will just lay in bed completely stressed out that he might be "doing something wrong". Didn't feed her enough, fed her too much, isn't dressing her right, isn't giving her enough naps, not making sure she drinks enough fluids, or bathing her all wrong. The other day actually I had a migraine and Mitchell came over and Olivia needed a bath. I had this huge internal struggle to hear him bathing her. I just kept thinking what if he doesn't get all the shampoo out of her hair, what if he doesn't condition her hair it will be all frizzy, when she gets out he won't put lotion on her and will probably dress her in some weird outfit....I got out of bed and went and bathed her myself. The idea of relinquishing control over her life and routine...it brings me to tears...I am crying now!

She is just used to me and how we do things and she is definitely a child who needs and enjoys a routine. I feel like letting someone else take over her care, it makes me feel like she will think I love her less. Because taking care of a baby/child isn't always super exciting but you do it because of all the love you have for them. I feel like if I let someone else do it...it somehow divides my love and I don't like the idea of someone loving her more than me. But I don't want to live with my parents and I don't want to live with Mitch's parents and I don't want to put all the burden on Mitchell...but I also have someone inside of me screaming how unfair this is, that I can't have the life I am used to, that Olivia won't have the same childhood. I know that it's a selfish thought, I know it makes me look spoiled and immature...but it's how I feel.

I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball somewhere and hope it all goes away.

*Insert clever post title here*

So I can't think of anything to name this post. I can't really think of anything to write about for this post. But sometimes I just feel the need to write...or type...or ramble on to the blogosphere. The past week I have been sick. Olivia got a cold...I get a cold...Mitchell gets a cold. I don't know where it came from, usually these things originate with Mitchell because he works in State Healthcare buildings. Actually works in the hospitals and health centers for those Americans who happen to find themselves in prison. But anyway it seems Olivia was the first to get to sick so maybe Mitchell isn't to blame this time. We did take her to the park on Friday, the play center in the Mall on Saturday and she seemed to get a runny nose by Sunday. We don't tend to frequent public parks or playcenters often...because, well...I'm pretty anti-social. Yes I know this makes me a bad mother, my mother lets me know this as often as possible "Emily you need to take her to places where she is around other children, blah, blah, blah". So see what happens when she is around other kids and their germs!!! She gets sick and now I am sick.



This is probably the third time I have been sick since becoming a mother. This doesn't count migraines or PMS. The first time was when Olivia was 2 months old and I got Mastitis, the next time was about the same time last year and Olivia and I were both sick with what I swear had to been the Swine Flu...it was terrible! And now this blasted cold! This is by the far the least painful of the three but at the same time feels like the worst because it's more annoying than anything else. I feel like my head has been taken over by congestion...I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!!! And so having to breathe through my mouth makes for trouble when trying to eat and then of course sleeping is pretty near impossible. Urgh, I feel like I am going to be sick forever! And how is it that Olivia was over it in like 2 days and here I am like going on 4 days and I really don't feel any better?

I knew I should not let her kiss me or get her snotty nose on me, but how can you resist such a cuddly little sicky baby boo!!!???? Geez it's ridiculous how much I love this kid....even more ridiculous considering she often makes me feel like I am losing my mind!!

Ahhhh the joys of "Mommyhood".

Letting go....

I have never been particularly good at letting go, at saying goodbyes, at looking at something and being sensible enough to say I don't need that anymore. A clear example of this is sitting beside my bed. The "Boppy". For the maybe one of you that doesn't know what a "Boppy" is, it's a nursing pillow. It sits and hugs you around the waist giving the baby a place to lay and be supported while breastfeeding. The Boppy is probably the greatest invention of all time when it comes to breastfeeding mothers....because I think the most inconvenient thing about BF is if you forgot the Boppy and you have to be the one to hold that dear little heavy head. I mean obviously people got by before the Boppy, but the Boppy is probably one of the reasons I enjoyed nursing so much...it was so easy. Just prop the baby up and bam.....your hands are free to do all kinds of things or do nothing and you can just fall asleep.

Anyways Olivia has not been a breastfed baby since December of last year and yet the Boppy is still right next to my bed. Probably a month after she stopped breastfeeding my mom says "Emily why don't you put that Boppy away, you obviously don't need it anymore". I probably gave her a dirty look and said simply "I'm not ready to put it away yet". You see it wasn't my idea to stop nursing, I loved it. Olivia has never been all that snuggly or cuddly as a baby and the only time I could hold her and snuggle her close was while nursing. I wanted to make it all the way to a year, She just decided at about 10 months she was not into it anymore and that was that. She is quite the determined little thing and I could not persuade or change her mind. So still feeling that bite of rejection from my 10 month old daughter I could not bear to part with my dear Boppy. And so it has sat for the last 8 months.

I am not ready to accept that fact that Olivia is not a baby anymore. I mean of course she will always be "My baby"....but the fact that she is getting bigger and smarter by the second...well I turn a blind eye. I don't understand how people deal with this because it is for sure a tale as old as time, as long as people have been having babies. I guess people just have another baby...but that is not an option for me at the moment. Next month my nephew Liam turns a year old as does Olivia's other cousin Ezra who was born to Mitchell's brother and his wife on the exact same day. Even this makes me sad. How in the world can those babies be a year old!!!!! And if they are a year old then that makes Olivia even older!

I keep wondering when does it stop, when does it slow down?! When do you say your child's age and it seems exactly right? Because when someone asks me now it's like "hmmmmmm pause....18 months.....is that right", most of the time people are shocked and say "Oh big girl", which makes me want to punch them in the face! It's true Olivia is closer to the size of a 2 year old....she is crazy tall! I have another nephew "Abraham" that is 7 months older than Olivia. He has the opposite problem, he's teeny tiny! People ask how old he is and when you say 2 they look at you like "are you sure". I would rather Olivia be too small than too big because with this too big stuff there is no fooling anyone about her age! Ohhhhhhh why, why, why!!!!????? Why can't she be a baby forever!!!????

I like the baby section of the store too much to have her be growing up as fast as she is. No matter what I go to the store for....I always, always go to the baby aisle. I like to look at the bottles and pacifiers and receiving blankets....have to remind myself that there is no possible way I could convince Olivia to let me swaddle her. Oh it's painful! Why does Olivia have to be hell bent on getting big!!!???

I hate it!

I feel left out....

Once in High School I felt left out because my two of my best friends were on the Drill team and I was not. So what did I do? Sophomore year I tried out again (yup didn't make it the first time) for the team and made it....just to not be left out.....worst High School experience probably ever! I hated the uniforms, I hated the stupid windbreaker like warm-up outfit we had to wear on "game days", I hated performing, and probably most of all I hated that I was "on the Drill team". Call it "dance team" all you want...everyone else knows you are on the Drill team and everyone else associates it with not being "cool, thin or pretty enough" to be a cheerleader. My six year older brother when hearing I was doing the whole "Drill team" thing said..."You joined the Moo Crew, but you aren't even fat". Yup even a six year absence from High School and my brother knew just how "uncool" I was. Not to mention the braces and headgear I was supposed to attach with tiny rubberbands to my braces at night while I slept, I was such a nerd. I don't know why I thought I needed to feel included. As an adult I can't say I have ever felt such an urge to push myself into an uncomfortable situation to feel like part of the crowd....these days I could really care less about any quirks or idiosyncrasies that make me....well, me.

So I feel left out these days. And no I am not planning on joining some sort of 10 year high school reunion Drill team....thank Heavens. No this time it's less personal. It just seems like everyone is pregnant or having a baby and dare I admit that I am kinda jealous. Pregnant ladies everywhere or newborn cries echoing through the grocery store. What is happening?!!! Or even just hearing someone say "Oh we are trying to have another one", green....green....GREEN with envy. I wish I could have another baby. I am obviously not in a place in my life...financially, stability or secure enough in my "unconventional little family" to be lucky enough to whisper secretively "Oh well nothing official but we are trying to have another"....

Can I just say that when most people say "Oh this is not where I imagined my life would be at this age", they really have no idea just how weird things could be. I feel like I am perfectly qualified to make that claim. AGhhhhhhhhh if my life were a movie and the camera was recording me at this moment blogging away it seems like an appropriate time for the soundtrack to kick in with.....

"The sun will come out tommorrow".....or maybe "Ohhhh child things are gonna get easier".....or even at my more dramatic time of the month REM's "Everybody hurts"....


So in case you might be wondering....


"This is soooooo not where I thought I would be at 29 with my first child".


But as far as children go....just for the record....I have the most beautiful, extraordinary, and amazing baby ever!

Even though I guess she is not really a baby anymore....one day, one day hopefully there will be more!