"Another head aches, another heart breaks

I'm so much older than I can take. And my affection, well it comes and goes. I need direction to perfection....no, no, no....help me out"....

I've been listening to the Killers a lot lately. I never was a fan enough to get past "Hot Fuss" but it reminds me of a simpler time. It reminds me of Mitchell. It reminds me of when we were new and I was so in love with him. Not that I don't love him now but new love is so much more memorable and sappy than everyday love. He worked at a record store and he would bring me all kinds of new music he thought I would like, or he would find some really rare album of a favorite band. One of my favorite bands of all time is Queen. I remember he bought a copy of some really famous Queen Concert and we watched it one night all cozied up on his twin bed in his parents house, LOL. Another time he surprised me with tickets to see the Violent Femmes in concert. They don't tour very often, they getting older and it was super exciting to see them live.....I LOVE THE FEMMES!!!!!! They were SOOOOOO GOOD too! I actually found my wrist bracelet the other day in a box of old crap from that concert....awwww that was a really fun night.

(this pic is about 4 years ago...isn't that beard funny? he was shaving off a whole beard and thought it would be funny to leave it like this for a few days)

I cannot believe we have been together for almost 8 years! I have known him for like 12 years. I have always really liked Mitchell. Mitch has ADHD and so he can be rather hard to deal with at times....especially when he was younger but for some reason when it comes to him I have always had alot of patience. And I'm not someone who is always very patient. I live with a 2 year old and Mitchell so beyond them the well runs pretty dry. He is impulsive and doesn't usually think before he speaks, he is always right about everything (just ask him, he'll tell you). He thinks....wait believes really, because I know he really believes it, that he always has a better idea or plan on how to execute most anything. From a PB and J sandwich to repairing a washing machine. He's bossy, messy, stubborn, a hypochondriac and obsessive. And he drives me crazy on a daily basis. But I love him. I think when you have been with someone for so many years and have had to deal with a lot of trials and unexpected challenges you can forget and take for granted that other person in your life. Lately I don't know what happened but I feel such overwhelming love for him.

(This is when we first started dating. I told him I liked his hair long and he didn't cut it again for almost 2 years)

And before it seems like all I have mentioned about Mitchell is bad qualities let me mention his good qualities. He is really smart he can and does fix anything and everything. The older Olivia gets the better he gets with her. I feel like the older she gets the crazier she makes me. He is really patient with her long after I often feel like I could pull my hair out cause she is driving me insane! He is brave and is good at facing challenges head on when I would rather crawl under the bed and pretend I'm invisible. He knows me really well, he knows when I'm really tired or hungry or PMSing. When he gives me a compliment about something it tends to be really thoughtful and observant and usually makes me cry. He is a dreamer while I tend to be too pessimistic to even think about dreaming. He's very loyal to me and to family. He tells me I'm pretty, even though I usually roll my eyes because since Olivia has arrived on the scene "pretty" is the last thing I see when I look at myself. He tells me that I'm a good mom. That is huge because some days when I have not gotten enough sleep. Days I feel like all I have said all day long is "No" and "stop" and "get down/off" and "don't do this or that"....those days when I can't remember if I've brushed my teeth or have been braless the entire day....on those days it's enough to makes me burst into tears.

(Baby Mitch...isn't he like to die for cute!)

I just love my Mitchella and I'm really enjoying that current revelation. I mean I knew I loved him but sometimes it's harder to remember you are in love with someone when they have peed all over the toilet seat, or left all their dirty clothes all over the bathroom floor or left out food the night before and now the ants have come back AGAIN!!!!! Not to mention the constant backseat driving comments or the nagging when I've used up all the hot water AGAIN!!!! :)

So here I proclaim to the Blogosphere....

"I love my boyfriend Mitchell Francis Benveniste"...

(This pic pretty much explains me and Mitch in a picture ha ha. me dazed and him crazy!)

Aren't you all jealous that while you've just got some old husband, I've got a boyfriend HA! I think it sounds more exciting and fresh, it's not lol. Believe me after 8 years he is a husband. I just seem to currently not mind so much that I don't have a husband....sometimes I even laugh at myself and call myself a housegirlfriend....like a housewife but again sounds so much more exotic don't you think?

Sometimes I just like to be alone...

"Sometimes I just like to be alone and think...think my thoughts"....ha ha what's the quote from? One of my most favorite TV shows of all time! Oh there is so much happening these days folks!!!! So much!

I'll break it down real quick for ya!

1. Mitch's parents and youngest sister Megan are moving to the bay area, Millbrae. It's about 15 minutes south of San Francisco.
2.Grandma Charlene moved to Utah.
3. Mitch's job has been out of contracts for almost 2 months now....which means no money....which means we are poor!!!
4. Mitch's heart has been acting funny and we are waiting on results from some new EKGs and blood tests.
5. Olivia has had a cold on and off since we moved into this house....which makes me wonder if there is something going on with this house that causes her health problems. I mean she isn't like super sick or anything....just a lingering cold that doesn't ever really seem to go away? But I guess it's also cold and flu season....idk, is it normal for a toddler to have so many colds? She hardly ever got sick when I lived with my parents.
6. Olivia is almost 2!!!!!!!!! what the hell!!!!?????
7. My sister Katie announced that she was pregnant....and due in August.

Okay so now you are up to speed I suppose. What do I want to elaborate on? The Benveniste move?

So when I first heard that the Benvenistes were moving, like a month ago, I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. I don't like change, I don't like new things, different things....even when it doesn't seem like the change really affects me that intimately. I mean it's not me moving....but I just don't like it. I don't know why but the whole them moving 2 hours away really made me inexplicably sad for a while, still kinda sad about it. I guess maybe because I lived with them for a year and it was the first place Olivia lived it felt like my other home. It makes me sad that Olivia is used to seeing her grandparents whenever she wants and she is used to Megan being her main babysitter. I guess that changing is sad. And you know Mitch and I have been together a long time. I have been going over to visit with his family for like 8 years, the idea that they won't just be a short drive away...it makes me so sad. You know Mitch and I are not married...who knows if we ever will, but I really see Tony and Sue as parents. I see Mike, Karen, Ashley, Allison, Adam, Alyssa and Megan as my brothers and sisters. And you know I don't see all the siblings that often but Tony and Sue's house was the the gathering place where when everyone was there....it was home and it brought us all together. It was nice to have that place nearby.

I know it isn't the house that makes a family or home. But to me familiarity is a big deal and I was super familiar with that house; it's sounds, it's smells, it's furniture and wall hangings...I really loved the backyard. I don't know? Ever since I heard they were moving I think I have been subconsciously distancing myself from them. I just have not been going over there that often and I have not asked Megan to babysit in over a month. It just feels too sad to see the house all in boxes.....I want to get used to not having someone who can so easily babysit so I have not called Megan. This is how I am unfortunately....this is how I deal with change or people leaving....I keep myself away so it doesn't hurt so much when they go...."And a rock feels no pain and an island never cries".

Okay moving on....what else is worth detailing?

Well I don't really want to admit this....don't really want to talk about it....but I feel pretty weird about my sister being pregnant. Mitch asked me if I was jealous and I don't think it's exactly that so much, because I am happy for her, who doesn't love a new baby. But it's a feeling I'm sure is closely related to jealousy...like if jealously had a less intense more mellow, more sheepishly pathetic 2nd cousin....that's what I'm feeling. I'm not proud to admit it, it's stupid really. It's like a dull ache in my womb, in my ego. I don't think it's normal when younger siblings do things before you. I don't think anyone else can understand how it feels when a younger sibling gets married before you...unless they have also been an older unmarried sibling at that younger sibling's wedding. I know that if my brother called me up and told me my sister in law was pregnant I would not feel this way. I mean I did have a baby before Katie...much to my family's initial dismay that I got "Knocked up" and then didn't even get married! c'est la vie! I mean I knew that Katie would probably have another baby before I did....I mean I expected it for sure and wasn't surprised when she told me. My first thought was......."Oh I hope it's another boy"...ha ha. I mean I at least had that, I have the only granddaughter...I would like to ride that wave a little longer, I rarely have had the chance to feel like anything about me made me a little more "special" than my other siblings, especially Katie. This was my one thing...now I am sure it will be swept away when we all get the call announcing "It's a Girl"!!!!!! Ugh....Oh well! Katie if you are reading this, I hope you don't take it the wrong way. Whatever the sex of the baby I'm gonna be happy for you...You just don't understand what it's like to be the older less successful, fatter, unmarried sister. LOL.

When can I have another baby? SIGH.........probably never....this is where you all feel sorry for me!!!!!

THANKS!!!!!