So I have been avoiding talking about this for a while...for nearly 2 months now I suppose. It's nothing crazy or tragic or too life altering...well I guess it has altered my life a bit...well a lot. It's more of a nuisance and an annoyance and a frustration than anything else. Well anyone who has been pregnant knows the joy of the glucose screening test. And by joy I actually mean pure hell. The test I took with Olivia wasn't nearly as bad cause I only had to do the one hour test and wasn't required to do any fasting beforehand. Not the case this time, I'm sure you can see where this is going. My doctor this time around tests everyone over 30 with a 2 hour fasting test, thankfully it wasn't the three hour test! So basically I couldn't eat for 8 hours beforehand then report to the lab to have my blood drawn....drink the sugary nasty concoction which is twice the amount of the 1 hour test and therefore twice as sugary and disgusting and you have to have it all down in 2 minutes. Then you get to sit around for an hour then they draw your blood again and you get to sit around for another hour until the draw your blood the third time.
Mind you I hate having my blood drawn and was already stressed out from my ultrasound the week before where the tech told me my baby was kinda big and asked had I had my glucose test yet. Now I don't pay much credence to these ultrasound size estimations or technician opinions. According to them Olivia was going to be lucky to be born at barely 5 pounds when she was a completely normal 7 and a half pounds. But all the same I felt worried about some giant baby ripping me apart during birth or worse needing a c-section. Anyways back to the test...I seriously felt like I was going to die the first hour. I started sweating like crazy and for the second time in my life, the first being seeing Mitchell after his heart surgery, felt like I was going to faint. The blood people kept asking me if I wanted to lie down but I just kept taking frequent trips to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and neck. It was terrible!!! The second hour went better but I still felt pretty crappy and by the time it was over I just wanted to go home and lie down and not get up for the rest of the day...which is basically what I did. Then the doctor called a few days later with the news I did not want to hear. "Your fasting number was normal and your last number was normal but the second number was a bit borderline high, so the doctor is referring you to a diabetes dietitian and counselor". FAIL!!!!! I asked "well does that mean I have gestational diabetes or just that it was kinda high"...She didn't really give me a definitive answer only that "it was better to be safe than sorry" and to just wait to hear from the diabetes people.
A week or so went by and I still had not heard anything and in the meantime felt so stressed out about what I should and should not be eating and whether or not I was doing some sort of irreversible damage to my baby. I mean I am neurotic and I am a worrier and everything to me is the end of the world. I couldn't take it!!!! I was so sad and depressed all week...I didn't really know what to eat so I just didn't eat most of the time which certainly didn't help feeling awful and depressed. Thankfully a girl I knew from church growing up had expressed on Facebook a few months ago that she had it so I emailed her and she was able to give me ideas on what to eat and what to do and that I wasn't going to hurt my baby and basically to calm down, breathe and I would be fine. Which I was extremely grateful to hear from her and she made me feel a lot more supported about the whole thing. Even so I felt ashamed, alone, like a failure, like maybe had I not eaten so much ice cream or drank soda maybe this wouldn't be happening to me. Most of all it just felt like why? WHY NOW? WHY ME? As if the last 6 months had not been trying enough. Mitch's health problems, his surgery, losing his job after his surgery, my grandmother dying, the fact that we were broke, the fact that my pregnancy with Olivia was less than ideal and I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant this time...it just seemed like one more thing to push me over the edge of the already shaky grip I had on any mental well being. Maybe this sounds dramatic and like it wouldn't be a big deal to you...but it was a big deal to me and still depresses me at least once a day, if not most of the day.
Anyways since it had been a week and I had still not heard from the diabetes place I called the doctor and they gave me the number to call. However once I did make contact with them I was told that I would be scheduled for a class where I would learn all about the whole thing and what not but the classes are so full that I couldn't even get in for another 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS!!!!! It had already been like 2 weeks of unguided confusing hell what am I supposed to do in the meantime? The nurse who scheduled my class was like "Oh your numbers aren't bad...just borderline so you know eat healthy and don't go crazy"....oh thanks because I really know what you mean by "don't go crazy" and also do you know who you are talking to? I am already way past crazy about this...I mean I felt completely insane!!
So left to my own devices I barely ate much for the three weeks...trying to follow the carb counts of what I should be eating on some gestational diabetes website I found online and actually ended up losing 5 pounds in those three weeks and seeing how I had only gained about 15 pounds so far at 7 months pregnant it did seem a bit alarming but I had a doctor appointment in there somewhere and they assured me that I was fine and the baby was growing?!!!! I still have been the same weight for like the last 2 months!? My belly is getting bigger so how I am not gaining weight doesn't really make sense to me. I think a lot of people, myself included, think that only overweight people develop gestational diabetes. I mean I was no Kate Moss by any means but I wasn't overweight before becoming pregnant and I didn't gain a bunch of weight while pregnant so again the whole thing baffled me. I am however really not all that active or into exercise...so I don't know. Mitchell had been pretty supportive for the most part, helping me pick out meals with small carb counts and he is on a sodium restricted diet so I guess on some level can sympathize. However he is also Mitchell and there has been a lot of unwanted teasing about the whole thing..."I told you not to eat so much ice cream, maybe it was all that soda you drank when you stopped having coffee, well you know you don't have the best eating habits, blah, blah, blah".
My mom on the other hand...well she never thinks there is ever anything wrong with anyone so any talking with her was pretty frustrating. She would just tell me that I was being dramatic and that she bet when I went to the class they would tell me I was fine. All this did was make me more mad. Yes I know I am probably being a bit crazy and obsessive about the whole thing but they wouldn't be making me go to the dumb class if there was nothing to worry about, if it was nothing. You literally have to be bleeding out of the skull with your brains falling out for my mom to admit that maybe there was a problem, and that's still a big maybe, lol. Which probably explains why I always had perfect attendance in school, there was no getting away with faking anything with her growing up. I mean I don't feel singled out by this cause she is this way with everything and everyone..."Oh it's fine, you're fine, life goes on, stop being so dramatic"...you get the idea.
So last week was the big class. The three and a half hour class. Where they explain what gestational diabetes is, why pregnant women develop it, how it can be controlled with diet, how it goes away after birth of the placenta, how stress can raise your blood sugar, about how it is mostly about hormones blocking the production of insulin in some "lucky women", and last but not least how to check your blood sugar 4 times a day which is required. Ughhhhhh I had to prick myself 3 times before I got enough blood, I was so nervous...I hate blood, the sight of blood and now I have to do this 4 times a day! The class was helpful and the nurse and dietitian were very informative and reassuring that if you follow all the guidelines everything will be fine and the baby will be a normal size and healthy, that there was nothing we did to cause it, it just happens sometimes. I did find the other mothers in the class a bit annoying. All of them were like "ehhh I wasn't shocked when I had it, I feel okay about it, I can manage it and it's not a big deal".They all for the record were also normal weights if not slender. But I wanted to scream "I was shocked, I was pissed, I'm still pissed off about it, it sounds like a huge pain in the ass even though I guess it's what I have to do now. It's been a week and I still flinch everytime I await the spring action "lancet" to pierce my poor sore fingers. This is some pretty intense stuff. I have to record all my numbers once when I wake up after not eating all night and an hour after the first bite every every main meal. Then I have to email my doctor my numbers weekly and I also have 2 more appointments with these diabetes people before the baby is born. So far my numbers have been pretty normal. I have had a few numbers that were a few points higher than what my "goal numbers" are, but nothing outrageous. However when I have had an elevated number it makes me really upset...I cry. I feel like I am doing what they told me to do and feeling miserable in the meantime and still apparently can't get it right. It's very frustrating.
The hardest part of this whole thing is having to plan ahead what I am going to eat and I have to make sure to eat every 2-3 hours and not to mention they want you to eat all your meals and snacks at the same time everyday (yeah right that's happening). I feel like a slave to the clock. Having to remember the exact time of my first bite of food and test my blood exactly one hour later. Having to remember what time I ate and what I ate so I can make sure to eat exactly 2-3 hours later and not sooner than that. It's pretty depressing, I feel hungry all the time, I don't feel like I can enjoy anything I am eating or anything at all for that matter because it is always in the back of my mind. When can I eat, what can I eat, what do I feel like eating, do we even have anything I can eat, I don't feel like eating right now but I have to eat, I have to wake up to eat sometimes because I can't go longer than 8 hours at night without eating...however I have to not eat for 8 hours to get my "fasting" blood sugar first thing in the morning. I feel like I am eating just to survive at this point...that's about it.
I know there is a lot of people who can't have babies and would gladly take my position for the chance to have a baby...and I appreciate that and I am grateful...but I would really like "catch a break" so to speak. I mean I would really have liked to have everything go the way it's supposed to for once in my life. I am usually the type who always has to learn things the hard way and most of those times it's from my own stupidity and actions that cause those trying consequences to come crashing down around me. But I really don't feel like anything I did caused the stress that is my life the past 6 months...it just would have been nice after all the heart surgery stuff, after all the having to take care of everyone during recovery stuff to be able to at least somewhat enjoy the end of my pregnancy...to at least be able to have a bowl of ice cream or a truck load of pasta or an entire pizza.
So it's touch and go. Sometimes I feel okay about the whole thing and other times when I'm hungry or waiting around to test my blood sugar I just feel really lonely and depressed. I still feel pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, still don't like to talk about it, still feel like people are going to judge me and think I'm fat and disgusting about the whole thing. Just feel like I am existing in this pregnancy instead of enjoying it or living it. I guess the thing I think about the most is my baby. Hoping I am doing right by him and feeling really guilty for this happening in the first place. I love you "baby needs a name", please be healthy and a normal size so you don't rip me open!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
There are days...AND THERE ARE DAYS!!!!
Sometimes I feel like I am not cut out to be a mother. I am fairly certain this is probably a widespread fleeting notion among many stay at home moms and probably even more so for pregnant stay at home moms. In other words, I know I love my child and I know I am a good mom but these days, urghhhhh I would like to run away. I only have one child and I know many people who have or who have had way more children to contend with while being pregnant, I guess the past week or two I just feel like I am not handling it very well. I feel so impatient, so easily annoyed, so outraged by the blatant defiance that seems to be Olivia's most prominent characteristic these days. As you probably know Mitch has been out of work since mid April. What you probably don't know is that his job so kindly also decided to lay him off 2 days after his open heart surgery so at this point there is no job to return to when he is 100% cleared for work by the doctor. So while we knew we would be living off any savings we had and disability while he was in recovery...we didn't expect for him to be layed off.
Mitch being home 24-7 has been an adjustment for all three of us. Mitch isn't one for sitting around the house so his initial first couple of weeks after surgery were rough because he really couldn't do much. I'd say after a month or so after the surgery he was pretty good about being able to do things for himself around the house and by 6 weeks he was cleared to drive himself around which was a godsend to me because he is literally the most annoying obnoxious critical back seat driver known to man. But it has been hard to feel like the routine between Olivia and I has been totally out of whack. Not that I was ever so disciplined or regimented that the routine was completely strict or constant...I guess just the routine of it being me and her and just having to deal with one another. Doing our little errands or going places I know she likes to go, just the two of us. With Mitch being home she has never been more crazy, more out of control, more defiant, more mean than she has been since she has had to contend with 2 parents at home with her all day, everyday. Mitchell tends to want to control her, he tends to want things to be done a certain way and in a certain manner and so while I have always been kinda relaxed when it came to monitoring Olivia throughout the day. Mitch is literally smotheringly "all over her". He doesn't know when to back off. To leave her alone if she wants to be alone, to stop teasing her when she asks, to just let her run off and be mad when she's mad. She does not do well with this at all, which I know is contributing to her ever increasing bratty behavior. He has always been this way, however she is not used to dealing with it all day long, she was used to him being home in the evening and night and weekends and things felt pretty balanced that way.
I am also not used to him being home all the time. I would never classify myself as a very social person. I mean yes I do enjoy social situations from time to time but I am probably very much a loner in a lot of ways. I need alone time, I like alone time, I rarely feel bad about the fact that I don't have many friends because I have never been someone who needed that. I like having one or two good friends that I can get together with when the mood strikes and that has always been rather sufficient for me. I mean there have been times in my life where I had a lot of friends, where I was constantly going out or surrounded by people, but it's never been something I needed. These days I probably really don't have any friends, lol. I was very close with Mitch's sister Ashley who used to live just down the street but she moved away in February which was really sad for me. I do on occasion get together with his other sister Allison who lives really close but for some reason I don't often make an effort to call, which is my fault because I know she would always be open to hang out. But Mitchell being home and not getting my daily dose of "alone in the house to do whatever I want time when Olivia is napping" is NO MORE. I feel like I am losing my mind. Since Mitch has been for the most part better and can drive himself around he does once or twice a week go out and do things with his friends which does afford me a little time to myself. On the same hand I feel myself resenting him for it a little bit. He is home just like I am all day and I am the one who for the most part takes cares of all of Olivia's needs. Get her up in the morning, change all her diapers, feeds her, bathes her, reads all the stories gets her ready and in bed etc. It's not like he is working or incapable of helping so how come he doesn't help me? I am the one who cleans the house, does the laundry, does the dishes, I admit he does most of the cooking, but how come he can't clean once in a while, do the laundry, dishes etc? Especially now when I feel like I am losing my mind from having to be with both him and Olivia ALL DAY LONG!!!!! Especially now that I'm getting to that exhausted uncomfortable pregnant phase and it's only going to get more uncomfortable from here?
How come I can't just leave the house whenever I want and leave him with Olivia? When he wants to go do something with his friends I NEVER STOP HIM, HE IS NOT TIED TO OLIVIA THE WAY I SEEM TO BE. He always says that I never have anything to do anyway and I like being home...which is true in some ways. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like a break to go to my Mom's house without having to take Olivia, to go to a movie with Allison or even alone, to wander around Target or something without a crazy demanding three year old trying to get out of the cart or screaming because I won't buy her every toy she sees. Hell even have him go somewhere and take Olivia with him so I can be alone in the house. He tells me "Oh you can go do things but you have to let me know so we can plan for it". Why do we have to "plan" for you who is not working and has nothing to do all day to watch YOUR child once in a while? It's either that or "well how come we can't all go do something, or just the two of us?" Well because number one I spend all day with both of you and I need to get away from you before I smother you both in your sleep and number two we don't have people who want to or are even really available to babysit Olivia so we could go out...not to mention he ALWAYS makes me be the one to ask his sister to babysit, he never does. I used to live in the same town as my "at the time young nephews" and I know it's not fair to assume that just because I am their Aunt and I do adore them that I want to babysit at any given free moment. I don't assume it's different for any of Mitch's sisters who have been around to babysit. I don't assume that they just want to babysit...I mean really who does? It doesn't mean that I didn't babysit, it doesn't mean that his sisters will turn me down...but I don't want to feel like I expect them to want to do it, expect them to say "Okay, what time". I mean come on Mitch, you don't even want to babysit, why would they want to?
I'm just tired and venting and complaining. But I honestly feel like I am in over my head the last couple of days and I am not so naive to think once this new baby arrives it will be better. I know Olivia is going to have a hard time with not being the center of the universe anymore. I mean even beyond just our little three person family, she really has been star of the show the last 3 years. She was the only grandchild close to my parents and not to mention the first and only girl for a while and more intensely she was the first grandchild, granddaughter, only niece/nephew around for the Benveniste side. She has been spoiled by both sides but the amount of attention paid to her by Mitch's parents/siblings/aunts and uncles etc is rather unbelievable. She is about to have three babies to contend with and I know it will be a hard transition. She adores Mitch's oldest brother "Unky Mikey" and I would say the feeling was rather mutual, he always showered her with attention and little gifts whenever he saw her. He is about to be a Daddy, really any day now. And as sad as it is to admit once you become a parent yourself...nieces and nephews just aren't as central to your life as they were before you had your own kids. I mean how to I say this without sounding completely terrible...Robbie, Kamren, David they all happened before Olivia. While I love Abraham, Liam and Vivianne...I feel much more connected to those first three, it was long before I was worn out by my own kid and didn't have as much energy to shower the next three with attention. I tell you especially Robbie, that kid has my heart. However he is now at that weird, gangly, voice changing, too cool for school, not a little boy but not a teenager yet either age. That age where I don't even know if I am allowed to hug him anymore...but I know for certain I'm not allowed to kiss him or embarrass him in front of his friends, lol. Anyways off the subject there for sure, but yeah Olivia is not only getting a baby brother in the next couple of months but 2 more cousins that all live close by and I am sad for her. I mean I love that there will be cousins but I am sad because I know her little life will change and I don't think she is ready or prepared for that change.
So long story short...I'm whining, I'm tired, I'm a baby, I'm complaining, I'm 7 months and some change pregnant, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST I AM LOSING MY EFFING MIND AROUND HERE!!!!!!!
SOS!!!!!!
I just want to go to a movie or something for Heaven's sake...is that really so much to ask?
Mitch being home 24-7 has been an adjustment for all three of us. Mitch isn't one for sitting around the house so his initial first couple of weeks after surgery were rough because he really couldn't do much. I'd say after a month or so after the surgery he was pretty good about being able to do things for himself around the house and by 6 weeks he was cleared to drive himself around which was a godsend to me because he is literally the most annoying obnoxious critical back seat driver known to man. But it has been hard to feel like the routine between Olivia and I has been totally out of whack. Not that I was ever so disciplined or regimented that the routine was completely strict or constant...I guess just the routine of it being me and her and just having to deal with one another. Doing our little errands or going places I know she likes to go, just the two of us. With Mitch being home she has never been more crazy, more out of control, more defiant, more mean than she has been since she has had to contend with 2 parents at home with her all day, everyday. Mitchell tends to want to control her, he tends to want things to be done a certain way and in a certain manner and so while I have always been kinda relaxed when it came to monitoring Olivia throughout the day. Mitch is literally smotheringly "all over her". He doesn't know when to back off. To leave her alone if she wants to be alone, to stop teasing her when she asks, to just let her run off and be mad when she's mad. She does not do well with this at all, which I know is contributing to her ever increasing bratty behavior. He has always been this way, however she is not used to dealing with it all day long, she was used to him being home in the evening and night and weekends and things felt pretty balanced that way.
I am also not used to him being home all the time. I would never classify myself as a very social person. I mean yes I do enjoy social situations from time to time but I am probably very much a loner in a lot of ways. I need alone time, I like alone time, I rarely feel bad about the fact that I don't have many friends because I have never been someone who needed that. I like having one or two good friends that I can get together with when the mood strikes and that has always been rather sufficient for me. I mean there have been times in my life where I had a lot of friends, where I was constantly going out or surrounded by people, but it's never been something I needed. These days I probably really don't have any friends, lol. I was very close with Mitch's sister Ashley who used to live just down the street but she moved away in February which was really sad for me. I do on occasion get together with his other sister Allison who lives really close but for some reason I don't often make an effort to call, which is my fault because I know she would always be open to hang out. But Mitchell being home and not getting my daily dose of "alone in the house to do whatever I want time when Olivia is napping" is NO MORE. I feel like I am losing my mind. Since Mitch has been for the most part better and can drive himself around he does once or twice a week go out and do things with his friends which does afford me a little time to myself. On the same hand I feel myself resenting him for it a little bit. He is home just like I am all day and I am the one who for the most part takes cares of all of Olivia's needs. Get her up in the morning, change all her diapers, feeds her, bathes her, reads all the stories gets her ready and in bed etc. It's not like he is working or incapable of helping so how come he doesn't help me? I am the one who cleans the house, does the laundry, does the dishes, I admit he does most of the cooking, but how come he can't clean once in a while, do the laundry, dishes etc? Especially now when I feel like I am losing my mind from having to be with both him and Olivia ALL DAY LONG!!!!! Especially now that I'm getting to that exhausted uncomfortable pregnant phase and it's only going to get more uncomfortable from here?
How come I can't just leave the house whenever I want and leave him with Olivia? When he wants to go do something with his friends I NEVER STOP HIM, HE IS NOT TIED TO OLIVIA THE WAY I SEEM TO BE. He always says that I never have anything to do anyway and I like being home...which is true in some ways. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like a break to go to my Mom's house without having to take Olivia, to go to a movie with Allison or even alone, to wander around Target or something without a crazy demanding three year old trying to get out of the cart or screaming because I won't buy her every toy she sees. Hell even have him go somewhere and take Olivia with him so I can be alone in the house. He tells me "Oh you can go do things but you have to let me know so we can plan for it". Why do we have to "plan" for you who is not working and has nothing to do all day to watch YOUR child once in a while? It's either that or "well how come we can't all go do something, or just the two of us?" Well because number one I spend all day with both of you and I need to get away from you before I smother you both in your sleep and number two we don't have people who want to or are even really available to babysit Olivia so we could go out...not to mention he ALWAYS makes me be the one to ask his sister to babysit, he never does. I used to live in the same town as my "at the time young nephews" and I know it's not fair to assume that just because I am their Aunt and I do adore them that I want to babysit at any given free moment. I don't assume it's different for any of Mitch's sisters who have been around to babysit. I don't assume that they just want to babysit...I mean really who does? It doesn't mean that I didn't babysit, it doesn't mean that his sisters will turn me down...but I don't want to feel like I expect them to want to do it, expect them to say "Okay, what time". I mean come on Mitch, you don't even want to babysit, why would they want to?
I'm just tired and venting and complaining. But I honestly feel like I am in over my head the last couple of days and I am not so naive to think once this new baby arrives it will be better. I know Olivia is going to have a hard time with not being the center of the universe anymore. I mean even beyond just our little three person family, she really has been star of the show the last 3 years. She was the only grandchild close to my parents and not to mention the first and only girl for a while and more intensely she was the first grandchild, granddaughter, only niece/nephew around for the Benveniste side. She has been spoiled by both sides but the amount of attention paid to her by Mitch's parents/siblings/aunts and uncles etc is rather unbelievable. She is about to have three babies to contend with and I know it will be a hard transition. She adores Mitch's oldest brother "Unky Mikey" and I would say the feeling was rather mutual, he always showered her with attention and little gifts whenever he saw her. He is about to be a Daddy, really any day now. And as sad as it is to admit once you become a parent yourself...nieces and nephews just aren't as central to your life as they were before you had your own kids. I mean how to I say this without sounding completely terrible...Robbie, Kamren, David they all happened before Olivia. While I love Abraham, Liam and Vivianne...I feel much more connected to those first three, it was long before I was worn out by my own kid and didn't have as much energy to shower the next three with attention. I tell you especially Robbie, that kid has my heart. However he is now at that weird, gangly, voice changing, too cool for school, not a little boy but not a teenager yet either age. That age where I don't even know if I am allowed to hug him anymore...but I know for certain I'm not allowed to kiss him or embarrass him in front of his friends, lol. Anyways off the subject there for sure, but yeah Olivia is not only getting a baby brother in the next couple of months but 2 more cousins that all live close by and I am sad for her. I mean I love that there will be cousins but I am sad because I know her little life will change and I don't think she is ready or prepared for that change.
So long story short...I'm whining, I'm tired, I'm a baby, I'm complaining, I'm 7 months and some change pregnant, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST I AM LOSING MY EFFING MIND AROUND HERE!!!!!!!
SOS!!!!!!
I just want to go to a movie or something for Heaven's sake...is that really so much to ask?
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thinking my thoughts
In a random list order....
1. Since I wrote that entry about the panhandler at Walmart I have seen him like countless more times...my feelings about him seem to just get more intensely annoyed. Which led me think...he is here like everyday, it must be working for him, he must be having some measure of success. Which surprises me that people who shop at this Walmart are that charitable. Come to think of it, you never see people asking for money at Target or the Grocery store...why Walmart of all places? And what happened to the days where people would have boxes of kittens and puppies they were trying to get rid of in front of stores...I mean at least they are cute to look at!
2. My dishwasher is a tease. My house is old, built long before the invention of dishwashers. Whoever owns this house has not changed much about it...the light fixtures are newer but everything else seems original, therefore if the kitchen was built before dishwashers and they wanted to preserve the integrity of the old house...that doesn't leave a lot of room to install a dishwasher once that technology arrived. So I have a tiny dishwasher, like not even half the size of a normal dishwasher. When I go to my parents and load dishes after dinner or something it seems like lavishly enormous! So when I have a bunch of dishes instead of my mind being at ease about at least I can load most of these in the dishwasher...I feel ripped off because not even half of these dishes will fit in one load if I actually want the dishes to be clean. So I have to wait around to thoroughly clean up messes or wash stuff by hand. TEASE!!!!!
3. Olivia is so bossy. I don't know if it's her age or her personality but she is so demanding all the time. She orders me to do this or that and her voice is so loud and booming I feel like I live with a WWF announcer. I live with 2 people and one cat and I feel like they all in some way are constantly trying to control me. This could be in my imagination because I seem to have irrational fears and paranoia about people controlling me and wanting to just do the opposite to piss them off. This especially applied to me as a teenager and young adult when it came to my mother. Anyways! Mitch is just plain bossy ALL THE TIME, Olivia is so demanding of "Playing", "reading" or "Juice" or what have you. Then there is Shiloh, the cat. Urghh I feel like the only true alone time I get is when both Mitch and Olivia are in bed and that has been completely taken over by the dumb cat. It's nice and quiet in the house and then all of a sudden the cat starts to meow and scratch at the door.....IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!!!!!! I think the cat noise bothers me most of all because he just doesn't "get it". I can't believe how much I once loved this cat. I mean don't get me wrong I still love him...kinda I guess. I just treated him like a baby ever since I got him when he was a baby, so he is so needy and affectionate and really only likes me or my dad and nowadays that just annoys me. On the rare occasions that I let him in the house it's not like he can just hang out in the same room and be content. He follows me wherever I go and is always trying to jump up in my lap and rub on my face and it just annoys me. I think why can't you be a normal cat and just lay on the floor and ignore me! I think since becoming a mother I really don't much care for pets anymore. Is that sad? I mean I love animals but I don't want to live with any of them anymore...I totally get why we never had a dog growing up. Then when my mom finally was guilted into getting a pet it was the most anti-social evil cat in the world...so basically it was like having no pet at all. She was always hiding out and had no desire to be "part of the family". Then she got really old and really affectionate and then she died.
4. Mitch's surgery which was originally supposed to be in January was postponed til April. So next month on the 16th is the big day. I am so scared. I mean I guess I have always been scared since first learning he would have to have surgery but we heard this in October so January was a ways away. Then January came and Mitch decided he wanted to wait until after Olivia's birthday and so it was scheduled for April which in January still seemed a long time away. Now it's March 16th and it is officially no longer that far away and I am freaking out. I don't feel like I know what to expect and that is what scares me the most. The cardiologist and surgeon doing the surgery are all located in San Francisco so there have not been that many appointments where we could learn what to expect because simply it's a pain to have to get down there for the appointments. Especially with Olivia and usually not having a babysitter and urgh. The fact that all this is being done in San Francisco also stresses me out. I don't like being away from my home and especially don't like to be away in scary or stressful situations and this time I'm just gonna have to be exhausted and stressed out and worried and away. He will be in the hospital for at least a week after...then has to be back the following week for a check-up. Where am I going to be? Where is Olivia going to be? Mitch's parents live in the bay area but there is literally "no room at the Inn there". I'm scared for Mitchell. I know he is so afraid of something going wrong. I mean I guess everyone knows that something could go wrong even though it's not likely. But it's probably way harder to be the one being cut open to have thoughts of worst case scenarios...much easier to rationalize that everything will be fine when you aren't the one who has to do it. I can't believe this is happening to be honest. This is something old people have to deal with...why do we have to deal with it!! I mean obviously it's no one's fault Mitch was born with a crazy heart...but it really sucks even so!
5. Olivia is still not potty trained. Part of me feels crappy that I have just not made her do it and then a bigger part of me says she will do it when she is ready. My mom is always like "Emily she just turned three she should be potty trained...she should have been like a year ago". Olivia is a smart kid. She has always been quick to do things and hit milestones and you know it really doesn't bother me the way my mother thinks it should that she hasn't decided to use a potty yet. I think my mom thinks that if she is telling me about my other nephews who are potty training (or were potty trained)that are younger than Liv that this is will embarrass me into action. Or somehow kick in some sort of competitive edge in me to force Olivia to keep up. What my mother seems to not remember is that I AM NOT COMPETITIVE....AT ALL!!!! And I mean according to studies it's her fault, lol. If she wanted me to be competitive and proactive she shouldn't have made me the middle child! But I guess someone had to be in the middle and I am just the easy laid back lazy one to do it! I once read a book on birth order and although my siblings and I are not typical because there are so many years between us (which supposedly makes us all more like only children)I definitely fit the role of the middle child like a glove! So you know what if I force her to do it before she wants to...it's just going to be a disaster. She is strong willed, opinionated and so so so stubborn, if she doesn't want to do it...she's not going to. Does it make me lazy to not force her? I don't think so...at least at the age of three...I'm sure there will be plenty of battles to fight when she is a teenager.
6. Hmmmmm what else? Oh I know!!!! What seemed like a cool fun kinda thing to have/drive has become the bain of my existence. Mitch for a while after Olivia was first born became OBSESSED (what else is new) with VW Westfalias and Vanagons. He found a Vanagon for 1,000....which apparently is a steal and bought it...this was about three years ago. He really wanted a "westy" as they are called (Westfalia) but apparently they are harder to find in working order and way more expensive if they are functional. So our van is like a 1987...I think? So while older Vanagons give off a cool hippie vibe this one from the 80's.....well not so much! LOL. I think the first problem is the color. It's white and kinda a dingy white at that so it resembles something more you would see a painter or child abductor drives. I have seem many other Vanagons that look the same as mine but are a cool navy color or burgundy and they look....pretty rad. My Vanagon does not look rad. Did I mention that because of the terrible gas mileage Mitch drives the other car and so I am stuck with Olivia and the van. So the person who "F-ing loves this van" or so he proclaims everytime he drives it...which isn't often, isn't even the one who has to use it everyday!
Now on a good day when I actually do my hair and get dressed in something cute I feel kinda like a cool peace loving granola eating mother driving around in this crazy car, I feel like I can pull it off. But I mean let's face it...that is not all that often, lol. So on the days where I have to run to the store real fast and I am wearing yoga pants and sweatshirts with my hair unwashed in a ponytail where if I was getting out of some normal looking car people wouldn't look twice at me...however I am not getting out of any type of normal looking car so I basically look like a crazy homeless person or something. People make sure to hit their little lock buttons on their keys when I am getting out of the van next to them. And although I have never been one to care much what people think of me or what kind of car I drive...I mean hello remember what my 4runner looked like...I want to flip these people off. I mean really, REALLY!!!!???? You think me and my three year old daughter are going to break into your car just because I am wearing a sweatshirt and drive this stupid van....Get a effing life!!!! So I am hating the van lately. But Mitch has mentioned selling it before and the thought of it not being ours anymore...I mean I don't want to get rid of the dumb thing either. There is a small part of me that likes the van. I mean I liked it a lot before it became my main form of transportation. I think I need a sticker that says "I choose to drive this van...it wasn't the only thing I could afford...so don't judge me!"
And that....that I think should do it for today readers!
1. Since I wrote that entry about the panhandler at Walmart I have seen him like countless more times...my feelings about him seem to just get more intensely annoyed. Which led me think...he is here like everyday, it must be working for him, he must be having some measure of success. Which surprises me that people who shop at this Walmart are that charitable. Come to think of it, you never see people asking for money at Target or the Grocery store...why Walmart of all places? And what happened to the days where people would have boxes of kittens and puppies they were trying to get rid of in front of stores...I mean at least they are cute to look at!
2. My dishwasher is a tease. My house is old, built long before the invention of dishwashers. Whoever owns this house has not changed much about it...the light fixtures are newer but everything else seems original, therefore if the kitchen was built before dishwashers and they wanted to preserve the integrity of the old house...that doesn't leave a lot of room to install a dishwasher once that technology arrived. So I have a tiny dishwasher, like not even half the size of a normal dishwasher. When I go to my parents and load dishes after dinner or something it seems like lavishly enormous! So when I have a bunch of dishes instead of my mind being at ease about at least I can load most of these in the dishwasher...I feel ripped off because not even half of these dishes will fit in one load if I actually want the dishes to be clean. So I have to wait around to thoroughly clean up messes or wash stuff by hand. TEASE!!!!!
3. Olivia is so bossy. I don't know if it's her age or her personality but she is so demanding all the time. She orders me to do this or that and her voice is so loud and booming I feel like I live with a WWF announcer. I live with 2 people and one cat and I feel like they all in some way are constantly trying to control me. This could be in my imagination because I seem to have irrational fears and paranoia about people controlling me and wanting to just do the opposite to piss them off. This especially applied to me as a teenager and young adult when it came to my mother. Anyways! Mitch is just plain bossy ALL THE TIME, Olivia is so demanding of "Playing", "reading" or "Juice" or what have you. Then there is Shiloh, the cat. Urghh I feel like the only true alone time I get is when both Mitch and Olivia are in bed and that has been completely taken over by the dumb cat. It's nice and quiet in the house and then all of a sudden the cat starts to meow and scratch at the door.....IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!!!!!! I think the cat noise bothers me most of all because he just doesn't "get it". I can't believe how much I once loved this cat. I mean don't get me wrong I still love him...kinda I guess. I just treated him like a baby ever since I got him when he was a baby, so he is so needy and affectionate and really only likes me or my dad and nowadays that just annoys me. On the rare occasions that I let him in the house it's not like he can just hang out in the same room and be content. He follows me wherever I go and is always trying to jump up in my lap and rub on my face and it just annoys me. I think why can't you be a normal cat and just lay on the floor and ignore me! I think since becoming a mother I really don't much care for pets anymore. Is that sad? I mean I love animals but I don't want to live with any of them anymore...I totally get why we never had a dog growing up. Then when my mom finally was guilted into getting a pet it was the most anti-social evil cat in the world...so basically it was like having no pet at all. She was always hiding out and had no desire to be "part of the family". Then she got really old and really affectionate and then she died.
4. Mitch's surgery which was originally supposed to be in January was postponed til April. So next month on the 16th is the big day. I am so scared. I mean I guess I have always been scared since first learning he would have to have surgery but we heard this in October so January was a ways away. Then January came and Mitch decided he wanted to wait until after Olivia's birthday and so it was scheduled for April which in January still seemed a long time away. Now it's March 16th and it is officially no longer that far away and I am freaking out. I don't feel like I know what to expect and that is what scares me the most. The cardiologist and surgeon doing the surgery are all located in San Francisco so there have not been that many appointments where we could learn what to expect because simply it's a pain to have to get down there for the appointments. Especially with Olivia and usually not having a babysitter and urgh. The fact that all this is being done in San Francisco also stresses me out. I don't like being away from my home and especially don't like to be away in scary or stressful situations and this time I'm just gonna have to be exhausted and stressed out and worried and away. He will be in the hospital for at least a week after...then has to be back the following week for a check-up. Where am I going to be? Where is Olivia going to be? Mitch's parents live in the bay area but there is literally "no room at the Inn there". I'm scared for Mitchell. I know he is so afraid of something going wrong. I mean I guess everyone knows that something could go wrong even though it's not likely. But it's probably way harder to be the one being cut open to have thoughts of worst case scenarios...much easier to rationalize that everything will be fine when you aren't the one who has to do it. I can't believe this is happening to be honest. This is something old people have to deal with...why do we have to deal with it!! I mean obviously it's no one's fault Mitch was born with a crazy heart...but it really sucks even so!
5. Olivia is still not potty trained. Part of me feels crappy that I have just not made her do it and then a bigger part of me says she will do it when she is ready. My mom is always like "Emily she just turned three she should be potty trained...she should have been like a year ago". Olivia is a smart kid. She has always been quick to do things and hit milestones and you know it really doesn't bother me the way my mother thinks it should that she hasn't decided to use a potty yet. I think my mom thinks that if she is telling me about my other nephews who are potty training (or were potty trained)that are younger than Liv that this is will embarrass me into action. Or somehow kick in some sort of competitive edge in me to force Olivia to keep up. What my mother seems to not remember is that I AM NOT COMPETITIVE....AT ALL!!!! And I mean according to studies it's her fault, lol. If she wanted me to be competitive and proactive she shouldn't have made me the middle child! But I guess someone had to be in the middle and I am just the easy laid back lazy one to do it! I once read a book on birth order and although my siblings and I are not typical because there are so many years between us (which supposedly makes us all more like only children)I definitely fit the role of the middle child like a glove! So you know what if I force her to do it before she wants to...it's just going to be a disaster. She is strong willed, opinionated and so so so stubborn, if she doesn't want to do it...she's not going to. Does it make me lazy to not force her? I don't think so...at least at the age of three...I'm sure there will be plenty of battles to fight when she is a teenager.
6. Hmmmmm what else? Oh I know!!!! What seemed like a cool fun kinda thing to have/drive has become the bain of my existence. Mitch for a while after Olivia was first born became OBSESSED (what else is new) with VW Westfalias and Vanagons. He found a Vanagon for 1,000....which apparently is a steal and bought it...this was about three years ago. He really wanted a "westy" as they are called (Westfalia) but apparently they are harder to find in working order and way more expensive if they are functional. So our van is like a 1987...I think? So while older Vanagons give off a cool hippie vibe this one from the 80's.....well not so much! LOL. I think the first problem is the color. It's white and kinda a dingy white at that so it resembles something more you would see a painter or child abductor drives. I have seem many other Vanagons that look the same as mine but are a cool navy color or burgundy and they look....pretty rad. My Vanagon does not look rad. Did I mention that because of the terrible gas mileage Mitch drives the other car and so I am stuck with Olivia and the van. So the person who "F-ing loves this van" or so he proclaims everytime he drives it...which isn't often, isn't even the one who has to use it everyday!
Now on a good day when I actually do my hair and get dressed in something cute I feel kinda like a cool peace loving granola eating mother driving around in this crazy car, I feel like I can pull it off. But I mean let's face it...that is not all that often, lol. So on the days where I have to run to the store real fast and I am wearing yoga pants and sweatshirts with my hair unwashed in a ponytail where if I was getting out of some normal looking car people wouldn't look twice at me...however I am not getting out of any type of normal looking car so I basically look like a crazy homeless person or something. People make sure to hit their little lock buttons on their keys when I am getting out of the van next to them. And although I have never been one to care much what people think of me or what kind of car I drive...I mean hello remember what my 4runner looked like...I want to flip these people off. I mean really, REALLY!!!!???? You think me and my three year old daughter are going to break into your car just because I am wearing a sweatshirt and drive this stupid van....Get a effing life!!!! So I am hating the van lately. But Mitch has mentioned selling it before and the thought of it not being ours anymore...I mean I don't want to get rid of the dumb thing either. There is a small part of me that likes the van. I mean I liked it a lot before it became my main form of transportation. I think I need a sticker that says "I choose to drive this van...it wasn't the only thing I could afford...so don't judge me!"
And that....that I think should do it for today readers!
Monday, March 12, 2012
My Musical Pilgrimage
So let's just pretend it hasn't been a thousand years since I last posted. That makes it less weird to be posting about something relatively random. Okay we are just gonna dive right in here....
So I have always thought of myself as someone who was really into music. Not in some obnoxious way...not in some "How do you afford you rock n roll t-shirt, that proves you were there, that you heard of them first", way...Thank you Cake for possibly the most clever song to diss so called "Music people". But just in a way where music was a big part of my free time. A big part of my showering and getting ready and driving and wallowing in self-pity time. If there was quiet and there was music available I liked to fill the silences type of way.
So when did this change? When I moved in with Mitchell in Santa Barbara this changed. We lived in an old house that was converted into 4 apartments and the walls were literally paper thin. In a way where if you had just gotten into a huge fight with your boyfriend the night before you would be embarrassed to see the neighbor the next day at the mailbox...because he for sure heard every word! And seeing how the other neighbors were well over the age of 40...well all we heard from their side of the walls was snoring, the phone ringing and occasionally singing. Anyways so Mitch never let me listen to music so I just kinda stopped listening to music so much. Not to mention over the years Mitch seems to have become unable to think straight or function if there is music playing....so besides Disney movies with songs and Yo Gabba Gabba, we don't listen to a lot of music, sadly.
Rewind about a year ago and Mitch bought me a new ipod. I had one already but couldn't find it after we moved. The thing was, the computer I had most of my music on was also lost or misplaced after I got my new laptop and who knows where most of my CD's disappeared to, so I had very little music to put on the new ipod....depressing. Then a miracle!!!! My Mom called me about a month or so ago and said when was the last time you slept in the bedroom upstairs...."ughhhhh I don't know Christmas Eve...before that probably when I was pregnant with Olivia". "Well I was changing the sheets on the bed upstairs and guess what I found", I had no idea what she could have found? "Your ipod"......Hooray!!!!!!!
And now when Olivia Naps or Mitch and Olivia are both in bed for the night I can put on earphones on and just feel like "ME" again. Music is such a motivator for me...I can be completely exhausted and worn out but if I am listening to music all of a sudden I get a burst of energy and I can clean the whole house like a speed freak tweaker or something. Especially if I am listening to Huey Lewis and the News...I am telling you there is nothing that can't be accomplished by ole' Huey. All this music listening lately besides instilling me a sense of self and happiness and me-ness that isn't associated with being Olivia's mother or Mitch's lady has really got me thinking about why I like the music I do...because I think I have quite the odd array of musical tastes. So where did they come from? How does someone like Radiohead, Janis Joplin, Cat Stevens, Roger Miller, NOFX, Elton John, The Clash, The Violent Femmes and They Might be Giants?
If I think back to the person who is probably most responsible for my musical tastes it would have to be my older brother Eric. I recall memories of music he would blast on his stereo the way most people probably remember music their parents listened to. I don't really remember much music my parents listened to besides like The Beach Boys with my dad and an array of Andew Llyod Webber show tunes from my Mom. My brother is 6 years older than me...which sometimes felt like a lifetime away and nowadays doesn't seem that big of a deal. But when you are 10 and your brother is 16...well you can bet he isn't listening to Paula Abdul and New Kids on the Block like you are. To me, at 10, Eric seemed the epitome of cool. He could drive, he wore bolos,he wore Cool Water cologne and Drakkar Noir, he wore his overalls with one strap hanging down, he pegged his pants and he even had a cool cowboy hat in the style of U2's Bono. Sometimes when I was lucky he would let me drive with him to Carl's Jr and buy me a Western Bacon Cheeseburger just like he would order which is still the only thing I ever eat when I go to Carl's Jr.
Eric was a good big brother. I was probably beyond annoying to him but it wasn't too often that he made me feel annoying. The only times I remember him really picking on me was when I was picking on my little sister...who I sadly probably always let her know how annoying she was, lol. Sorry Katie!!!! Anyways every Saturday morning as we were doled out our chores for the day Eric would turn on his stereo and play music like U2, Depeche Mode, Erasure, The Proclaimers, Paul Simon, They Might Be Giants, The Steve Miller Band, the soundtrack to Back to the Future. I don't remember feeling overly impressed by his music especially when U2 ventured into their "Zoopra" album and always wondering what "I really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree" meant. But somehow it all stuck with me. When I did start to listen to my own music, long after Eric had moved out I found myself really listening to the same things especially U2, Paul Simon and Erasure...remember Rachel Olsen...."I love to hate you"....lol.
Then I went through a phase where all I listened to was Kool 101.5, which people in Roseville would remember was the oldies station. This was greatly influenced by Jr. High and Jamie Golden. I remember hoping they would play our favorite "Run Around Sue" by Dion. I even remember calling the Radio Station on several occasions to request the song. I also remember driving with Jamie and her dad in his flatbed truck down to Monterrey to visit her Grandpa. The truck had no radio and so her dad improvised and broke out in "California Dreaming" while we chimed in with the chorus. In high school I spent a lot of time with my oldest childhood friend Rachel. She lived right up the street from me and our parents had known eachother since forever and we had played together ever since I was in first grade and she was in second. Her parents were "music people". They had albums from Boston and The Carpenters and Simon and Garfunkle and we would make cookies or hot fudge sundaes rocking out to "More than a Feeling" on more than a thousand occasions. She also being a year older than me drove me to school and seminary when she got her license and there we would venture out into Music by The Cranberries and Everclear.
Then Rachel moved away for college and I had long since lost contact with Jamie and I had my very first boyfriend, Clark...gasp. I remember thinking I liked punk music because I liked that one song by Blink 182 that was on the radio and I liked Green Day back in Jr High. I later came to realize that Blink 182 isn't really punk music and this is when I started listening to Clark and his friends kind of music...NOFX, Rancid, Rage Against the Machine, The Offspring, The Violent Femmes etc. I mean I don't think I ever actually bought any of these albums but I always heard them and knew the lyrics and in my own way liked that music...it was never really "me" though.
After High School through Clark I was reunited with an old classmate Lindsay. Clark and Lindsay had moved in together and were step siblings. So I had an instant best friend in Lindsay who I had known since 7th Grade but wasn't all that close to back then other than talking in class and liking one another. Lindsay was into the whole Hippie type music. And while I always liked older music I wouldn't say that since Clark I had listened to much of it. Lindsay listened to The Doors, Janis Joplin, 311 and Radiohead. So while we made hemp necklaces and beaded jewelry we would listen to this kind of music. It was a really fun time in my life and Lindsay acted as the glue that kind of held Clark and I together because once she had moved out and moved on it wasn't long before Clark and I also moved on.
Then came Mitchell....oh Mitchell!!!!! I had known Mitch for quite some time before we became "Mitch and Emily". I always liked him, always thought he was cute, was never too annoyed by his ADHD like other people, and really just loved his family and visiting over there with all his siblings. Kinda reminded me of the Olsen house with all the brothers and sisters, something I always felt envious of as a middle child of just 3 and 3 really spaced apart at that. Something I had missed since Rachel was gone and we had grown apart over the years. Mitch and I did not have similar musical tastes. He seemed to like Rap and Hip Hop...something I never liked and have never grown to like. Then shortly after we got together Mitch started working at Dimple Records and he would bring home music he thought I would like...The Killers, The Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, The Velvet Underground, Various mixes of 60's and 70's music. Then he introduced me to The Clash and I was in love. I once mentioned liking Queen and he immediately started buying me Queen CD's and soon liking Queen turned into LOVING Queen and it was really Mitchell that brought that on. He took me to a Violent Femmes concert...not that Mitch sucks or something now but back in the start of our relationship he really was the sweetest guy and totally in love with me and would literally do anything for me. I mean we have been together for almost 10 years and have known eachother for probably 12 or 13...so obviously things aren't as magical was they once were...we both have gotten cranky and more stubborn over the years, lol. But he is my Mitchy and I love him. It's just thinking about how head over heels he was with me back then...it still makes me feel swoony!!!
Anyways so there you have it....the musical journey of me. Thank you to all of you involved in making me love the music I do. Eric, Rachel, Jamie, Clark, Lindsay and my Mitchella!!!!!
So I have always thought of myself as someone who was really into music. Not in some obnoxious way...not in some "How do you afford you rock n roll t-shirt, that proves you were there, that you heard of them first", way...Thank you Cake for possibly the most clever song to diss so called "Music people". But just in a way where music was a big part of my free time. A big part of my showering and getting ready and driving and wallowing in self-pity time. If there was quiet and there was music available I liked to fill the silences type of way.
So when did this change? When I moved in with Mitchell in Santa Barbara this changed. We lived in an old house that was converted into 4 apartments and the walls were literally paper thin. In a way where if you had just gotten into a huge fight with your boyfriend the night before you would be embarrassed to see the neighbor the next day at the mailbox...because he for sure heard every word! And seeing how the other neighbors were well over the age of 40...well all we heard from their side of the walls was snoring, the phone ringing and occasionally singing. Anyways so Mitch never let me listen to music so I just kinda stopped listening to music so much. Not to mention over the years Mitch seems to have become unable to think straight or function if there is music playing....so besides Disney movies with songs and Yo Gabba Gabba, we don't listen to a lot of music, sadly.
Rewind about a year ago and Mitch bought me a new ipod. I had one already but couldn't find it after we moved. The thing was, the computer I had most of my music on was also lost or misplaced after I got my new laptop and who knows where most of my CD's disappeared to, so I had very little music to put on the new ipod....depressing. Then a miracle!!!! My Mom called me about a month or so ago and said when was the last time you slept in the bedroom upstairs...."ughhhhh I don't know Christmas Eve...before that probably when I was pregnant with Olivia". "Well I was changing the sheets on the bed upstairs and guess what I found", I had no idea what she could have found? "Your ipod"......Hooray!!!!!!!
And now when Olivia Naps or Mitch and Olivia are both in bed for the night I can put on earphones on and just feel like "ME" again. Music is such a motivator for me...I can be completely exhausted and worn out but if I am listening to music all of a sudden I get a burst of energy and I can clean the whole house like a speed freak tweaker or something. Especially if I am listening to Huey Lewis and the News...I am telling you there is nothing that can't be accomplished by ole' Huey. All this music listening lately besides instilling me a sense of self and happiness and me-ness that isn't associated with being Olivia's mother or Mitch's lady has really got me thinking about why I like the music I do...because I think I have quite the odd array of musical tastes. So where did they come from? How does someone like Radiohead, Janis Joplin, Cat Stevens, Roger Miller, NOFX, Elton John, The Clash, The Violent Femmes and They Might be Giants?
If I think back to the person who is probably most responsible for my musical tastes it would have to be my older brother Eric. I recall memories of music he would blast on his stereo the way most people probably remember music their parents listened to. I don't really remember much music my parents listened to besides like The Beach Boys with my dad and an array of Andew Llyod Webber show tunes from my Mom. My brother is 6 years older than me...which sometimes felt like a lifetime away and nowadays doesn't seem that big of a deal. But when you are 10 and your brother is 16...well you can bet he isn't listening to Paula Abdul and New Kids on the Block like you are. To me, at 10, Eric seemed the epitome of cool. He could drive, he wore bolos,he wore Cool Water cologne and Drakkar Noir, he wore his overalls with one strap hanging down, he pegged his pants and he even had a cool cowboy hat in the style of U2's Bono. Sometimes when I was lucky he would let me drive with him to Carl's Jr and buy me a Western Bacon Cheeseburger just like he would order which is still the only thing I ever eat when I go to Carl's Jr.
Eric was a good big brother. I was probably beyond annoying to him but it wasn't too often that he made me feel annoying. The only times I remember him really picking on me was when I was picking on my little sister...who I sadly probably always let her know how annoying she was, lol. Sorry Katie!!!! Anyways every Saturday morning as we were doled out our chores for the day Eric would turn on his stereo and play music like U2, Depeche Mode, Erasure, The Proclaimers, Paul Simon, They Might Be Giants, The Steve Miller Band, the soundtrack to Back to the Future. I don't remember feeling overly impressed by his music especially when U2 ventured into their "Zoopra" album and always wondering what "I really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree" meant. But somehow it all stuck with me. When I did start to listen to my own music, long after Eric had moved out I found myself really listening to the same things especially U2, Paul Simon and Erasure...remember Rachel Olsen...."I love to hate you"....lol.
Then I went through a phase where all I listened to was Kool 101.5, which people in Roseville would remember was the oldies station. This was greatly influenced by Jr. High and Jamie Golden. I remember hoping they would play our favorite "Run Around Sue" by Dion. I even remember calling the Radio Station on several occasions to request the song. I also remember driving with Jamie and her dad in his flatbed truck down to Monterrey to visit her Grandpa. The truck had no radio and so her dad improvised and broke out in "California Dreaming" while we chimed in with the chorus. In high school I spent a lot of time with my oldest childhood friend Rachel. She lived right up the street from me and our parents had known eachother since forever and we had played together ever since I was in first grade and she was in second. Her parents were "music people". They had albums from Boston and The Carpenters and Simon and Garfunkle and we would make cookies or hot fudge sundaes rocking out to "More than a Feeling" on more than a thousand occasions. She also being a year older than me drove me to school and seminary when she got her license and there we would venture out into Music by The Cranberries and Everclear.
Then Rachel moved away for college and I had long since lost contact with Jamie and I had my very first boyfriend, Clark...gasp. I remember thinking I liked punk music because I liked that one song by Blink 182 that was on the radio and I liked Green Day back in Jr High. I later came to realize that Blink 182 isn't really punk music and this is when I started listening to Clark and his friends kind of music...NOFX, Rancid, Rage Against the Machine, The Offspring, The Violent Femmes etc. I mean I don't think I ever actually bought any of these albums but I always heard them and knew the lyrics and in my own way liked that music...it was never really "me" though.
After High School through Clark I was reunited with an old classmate Lindsay. Clark and Lindsay had moved in together and were step siblings. So I had an instant best friend in Lindsay who I had known since 7th Grade but wasn't all that close to back then other than talking in class and liking one another. Lindsay was into the whole Hippie type music. And while I always liked older music I wouldn't say that since Clark I had listened to much of it. Lindsay listened to The Doors, Janis Joplin, 311 and Radiohead. So while we made hemp necklaces and beaded jewelry we would listen to this kind of music. It was a really fun time in my life and Lindsay acted as the glue that kind of held Clark and I together because once she had moved out and moved on it wasn't long before Clark and I also moved on.
Then came Mitchell....oh Mitchell!!!!! I had known Mitch for quite some time before we became "Mitch and Emily". I always liked him, always thought he was cute, was never too annoyed by his ADHD like other people, and really just loved his family and visiting over there with all his siblings. Kinda reminded me of the Olsen house with all the brothers and sisters, something I always felt envious of as a middle child of just 3 and 3 really spaced apart at that. Something I had missed since Rachel was gone and we had grown apart over the years. Mitch and I did not have similar musical tastes. He seemed to like Rap and Hip Hop...something I never liked and have never grown to like. Then shortly after we got together Mitch started working at Dimple Records and he would bring home music he thought I would like...The Killers, The Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, The Velvet Underground, Various mixes of 60's and 70's music. Then he introduced me to The Clash and I was in love. I once mentioned liking Queen and he immediately started buying me Queen CD's and soon liking Queen turned into LOVING Queen and it was really Mitchell that brought that on. He took me to a Violent Femmes concert...not that Mitch sucks or something now but back in the start of our relationship he really was the sweetest guy and totally in love with me and would literally do anything for me. I mean we have been together for almost 10 years and have known eachother for probably 12 or 13...so obviously things aren't as magical was they once were...we both have gotten cranky and more stubborn over the years, lol. But he is my Mitchy and I love him. It's just thinking about how head over heels he was with me back then...it still makes me feel swoony!!!
Anyways so there you have it....the musical journey of me. Thank you to all of you involved in making me love the music I do. Eric, Rachel, Jamie, Clark, Lindsay and my Mitchella!!!!!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Im pretty sure most everyone knows...
At least everyone who be upset to hear the news on a blog and not in person, knows by now. So I'm just going to explain what's going on. I have written before about Mitchell and his heart. He was born with a heart defect. A right septal defect and pulmonary stenosis. He had surgery to repair his heart at 5 months old. First of all....5 MONTHS OLD!!!!!!! I cannot even imagine having to give my baby over to someone to have heart surgery, that is just a terrifying nightmare to imagine what his parents must have been feeling way back in 1981. He doesn't obviously remember the surgery but he has the scars to prove it. He has a scar that runs the length of his his entire chest almost to his belly button, he also has scars on his thighs where the IV must have been.
His heart has been pretty normal for his condition for the past 30 years, I don't think it has limited him too much in things he is capable of doing and what not. But maybe for past year and a half he has been saying that his heart felt weird or was beating strange or he has gotten out of breath doing things he normally could do no problem. He had seen a few doctors here and there and everyone always told him the same things. Basically yes your heart is acting a little funny but due to your condition it is not out of the ordinary for you to experience these episodes. So from there when Mitch would experience these weird symptoms or feel completely exhausted he was looking for what could possibly be going on if it was not his heart, according to doctors, what was the problem.
Here is where things get a little hairy. At the peak of all his "self-diagnosis" I was working quite a bit and he was home with Olivia most of the time. Since the doctors could never really pinpoint anything that was wrong and he did have a few blood and urine tests to test for other problems, I was of the opinion that he was probably tired from watching Olivia. He has never really had to watch her for more than maybe an hour and certainly not everyday. SHE IS EXHAUSTING. Also he was out of work and I also figured he was probably a bit bored and stressed out and that can make you pretty tired as well. So when I would come home from work to a tornado mess in the house and Olivia was still awake a lot of nights, not bathed and not in jammies and Mitch would have found some possible ailment on the Internet...it was irritating. This became a pretty frequent scene in the house and it was super stressful. I was working alot and not making a whole lot of money to even make it worth it...Mitch really didn't do a whole lot at home but make messes and semi-supervise the chaos of Olivia...he did cook but it seemed more of a hassle to me because he never cleans up after himself and he is a messy cook. So I would come home to a mess, Olivia starved for attention and up way past her bedtime and Mitch on WebMD telling me he must have this or that or maybe even this blah, blah. I was not very supportive of all these problems he discovered on the Internet...I figured that if the doctors said he was fine...he was probably fine. He was angry at me for not believing him and I was angry with him for spending all his time looking up symptoms online when no one had told him of any actual problem.
Fast forward to about 2 months ago. He finally found a doctor who listened and referred him to a specialist. Apparently the heart has all kinds of specialists and Mitch needed a specialist who dealt with adults with congenital heart problems who had had surgery as an infant or child. And finally Mitchell got his vindication. Not something you probably want to be right about but Mitch is pretty happy when he gets to say "I told you so".
So the problem I guess is that when they did the surgery in infancy they had to do a fair amount of damage to one of his valves just because they are so small that there really isn't a way around it. Mitch's parents were told that it was likely he would have to have something done again in the future...probably around the age of 30... well guess who's been 30 since May.So his valve is constricted and not allowing the proper amount of blood through and therefore not supplying enough oxygen to the rest of his body. Which explains why he feels tired and explains why Mitch is kinda known to be a frequent napper. I guess it just is something that has been happening gradually for a while and is now at the point since he has all the symptoms that he needs to have something done. So what's to be done? OPEN HEART SURGERY to replace the faulty valve.
The doctors of course are very reassuring that it's a totally routine thing and it happens all the time and Mitch is a great candidate because he's young, healthy, doesn't smoke, doesn't really drink...etc. But the idea of having your ribcage sawed open and your heart being touched...well that is not comforting...not to mention I have watched way too much Grey's Anatomy to believe any surgery is routine. I feel stupid and lame to be convinced by a TV drama of the variety of problems with heart surgeries...ummmm hello remember the whole Izzy and Denny fiasco...well he had a heart transplant but come on...that was tragic!!!!! I am so scared...Mitch is so freaked out...all the family rotates between "it'll be fine and OMG my baby, my brother, my mitchy".
Mitch also has not let me forget that I didn't initially believe anything was wrong with him. To me, to my defense, I never doubted that maybe his heart was acting strangely...but those other doctors said his heart was different and would be strange sometimes and that was normal. I did however roll my eyes at all the possible Internet illnesses he thought he might have...kidney failure, UTI's, bladder infections, lyme disease, valley fever, diabetes, etc. I guess maybe in retrospect it made sense he would try to find alternative explanations to why he felt so crappy since all the doctors before insisted his heart was fine. And I admit I was not supportive of all these ailments and maybe since it was his heart all along I can see why all the mania makes sense.
I do feel badly. I guess in my head I felt like I have to take care of Olivia and most of the time I take care of her alone...I don't have time to invest in crazy hypochondria when it doesn't seem to get you anywhere except negative test results. I instinctively trust doctors...my dad is a doctor. So no, in my head if a doctor says you are okay I'm not going to doubt his diagnosis. I guess this has taught me to be more realistic than idealistic when it comes to authority figures...because to me a doctor is an authority figure. It is after all called "Practicing Medicine", a doctor is just a highly educated guesser I suppose.
So I am scared for Mitchell, I'm scared for myself. I am most frightened for my child. What this means for her life. If everything goes according to plan it probably doesn't mean a whole lot other than the fact that I will most likely have to work for a while and she will be with a babysitter or daycare more than me...which is heartbreaking to me...she is so attached to me. But if something were to go wrong. I don't want that to be her life. I don't want her to never know her father, because she would not remember him at this point in the future. A little girl needs a Daddy and Mitchell is her Daddy. And she is her father's daughter...she is exactly like him in almost all aspects. She needs him to be okay, I need him to be okay. I mean Mitch and I are not always known for our ability to get along but I love him with everything in me...even when he makes me so mad, even when his ADHD is in overdrive and I feel like my head is going to explode if he doesn't leave me alone...we have been together for so long, I don't want anyone else in my life. We are both so stubborn and bullheaded...who else would put up with us? No...he has to be okay, he's going to be just fine and we will get through this and it will be okay.
So anyways that's what I have been stressed out about...angry about...sad about...overwhelmed about...in denial about...worried about. And I am a worrier, so this is like torture.
Oh and Mitch is due to have the surgery sometime in January depending on the results on more testing...which is of course not cheap since he has like the crappiest insurance ever!!!!! Maybe we should move to Canada?
His heart has been pretty normal for his condition for the past 30 years, I don't think it has limited him too much in things he is capable of doing and what not. But maybe for past year and a half he has been saying that his heart felt weird or was beating strange or he has gotten out of breath doing things he normally could do no problem. He had seen a few doctors here and there and everyone always told him the same things. Basically yes your heart is acting a little funny but due to your condition it is not out of the ordinary for you to experience these episodes. So from there when Mitch would experience these weird symptoms or feel completely exhausted he was looking for what could possibly be going on if it was not his heart, according to doctors, what was the problem.
Here is where things get a little hairy. At the peak of all his "self-diagnosis" I was working quite a bit and he was home with Olivia most of the time. Since the doctors could never really pinpoint anything that was wrong and he did have a few blood and urine tests to test for other problems, I was of the opinion that he was probably tired from watching Olivia. He has never really had to watch her for more than maybe an hour and certainly not everyday. SHE IS EXHAUSTING. Also he was out of work and I also figured he was probably a bit bored and stressed out and that can make you pretty tired as well. So when I would come home from work to a tornado mess in the house and Olivia was still awake a lot of nights, not bathed and not in jammies and Mitch would have found some possible ailment on the Internet...it was irritating. This became a pretty frequent scene in the house and it was super stressful. I was working alot and not making a whole lot of money to even make it worth it...Mitch really didn't do a whole lot at home but make messes and semi-supervise the chaos of Olivia...he did cook but it seemed more of a hassle to me because he never cleans up after himself and he is a messy cook. So I would come home to a mess, Olivia starved for attention and up way past her bedtime and Mitch on WebMD telling me he must have this or that or maybe even this blah, blah. I was not very supportive of all these problems he discovered on the Internet...I figured that if the doctors said he was fine...he was probably fine. He was angry at me for not believing him and I was angry with him for spending all his time looking up symptoms online when no one had told him of any actual problem.
Fast forward to about 2 months ago. He finally found a doctor who listened and referred him to a specialist. Apparently the heart has all kinds of specialists and Mitch needed a specialist who dealt with adults with congenital heart problems who had had surgery as an infant or child. And finally Mitchell got his vindication. Not something you probably want to be right about but Mitch is pretty happy when he gets to say "I told you so".
So the problem I guess is that when they did the surgery in infancy they had to do a fair amount of damage to one of his valves just because they are so small that there really isn't a way around it. Mitch's parents were told that it was likely he would have to have something done again in the future...probably around the age of 30... well guess who's been 30 since May.So his valve is constricted and not allowing the proper amount of blood through and therefore not supplying enough oxygen to the rest of his body. Which explains why he feels tired and explains why Mitch is kinda known to be a frequent napper. I guess it just is something that has been happening gradually for a while and is now at the point since he has all the symptoms that he needs to have something done. So what's to be done? OPEN HEART SURGERY to replace the faulty valve.
The doctors of course are very reassuring that it's a totally routine thing and it happens all the time and Mitch is a great candidate because he's young, healthy, doesn't smoke, doesn't really drink...etc. But the idea of having your ribcage sawed open and your heart being touched...well that is not comforting...not to mention I have watched way too much Grey's Anatomy to believe any surgery is routine. I feel stupid and lame to be convinced by a TV drama of the variety of problems with heart surgeries...ummmm hello remember the whole Izzy and Denny fiasco...well he had a heart transplant but come on...that was tragic!!!!! I am so scared...Mitch is so freaked out...all the family rotates between "it'll be fine and OMG my baby, my brother, my mitchy".
Mitch also has not let me forget that I didn't initially believe anything was wrong with him. To me, to my defense, I never doubted that maybe his heart was acting strangely...but those other doctors said his heart was different and would be strange sometimes and that was normal. I did however roll my eyes at all the possible Internet illnesses he thought he might have...kidney failure, UTI's, bladder infections, lyme disease, valley fever, diabetes, etc. I guess maybe in retrospect it made sense he would try to find alternative explanations to why he felt so crappy since all the doctors before insisted his heart was fine. And I admit I was not supportive of all these ailments and maybe since it was his heart all along I can see why all the mania makes sense.
I do feel badly. I guess in my head I felt like I have to take care of Olivia and most of the time I take care of her alone...I don't have time to invest in crazy hypochondria when it doesn't seem to get you anywhere except negative test results. I instinctively trust doctors...my dad is a doctor. So no, in my head if a doctor says you are okay I'm not going to doubt his diagnosis. I guess this has taught me to be more realistic than idealistic when it comes to authority figures...because to me a doctor is an authority figure. It is after all called "Practicing Medicine", a doctor is just a highly educated guesser I suppose.
So I am scared for Mitchell, I'm scared for myself. I am most frightened for my child. What this means for her life. If everything goes according to plan it probably doesn't mean a whole lot other than the fact that I will most likely have to work for a while and she will be with a babysitter or daycare more than me...which is heartbreaking to me...she is so attached to me. But if something were to go wrong. I don't want that to be her life. I don't want her to never know her father, because she would not remember him at this point in the future. A little girl needs a Daddy and Mitchell is her Daddy. And she is her father's daughter...she is exactly like him in almost all aspects. She needs him to be okay, I need him to be okay. I mean Mitch and I are not always known for our ability to get along but I love him with everything in me...even when he makes me so mad, even when his ADHD is in overdrive and I feel like my head is going to explode if he doesn't leave me alone...we have been together for so long, I don't want anyone else in my life. We are both so stubborn and bullheaded...who else would put up with us? No...he has to be okay, he's going to be just fine and we will get through this and it will be okay.
So anyways that's what I have been stressed out about...angry about...sad about...overwhelmed about...in denial about...worried about. And I am a worrier, so this is like torture.
Oh and Mitch is due to have the surgery sometime in January depending on the results on more testing...which is of course not cheap since he has like the crappiest insurance ever!!!!! Maybe we should move to Canada?
Friday, November 4, 2011
And the self pity continues....
Simon and Garfunkel are so good. They really really are like excellently good at lyrics. This song combines the right amount of sadness, wallow and anger that is exactly how I am feeling....
A winter's day
in a deep and dark Decemeber;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock
I am an island
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
A winter's day
in a deep and dark Decemeber;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock
I am an island
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Drowning...
So I can't really get into why exactly I feel like I am drowning...it's not my news to blast on the Internet...but I am feeling depressed with a capital "D" the past 2 weeks or so. I am trying to rise above it...not think about it...ignore it...without much success. I have never been very good at handling stressful situations especially if there is a place to just bury my head in the sand or covers and just try to zone out until the whole thing passes. Unfortunately there is nowhere to run or hide this time. It doesn't take a lot to overwhelm me and then I just live in a world of denial and panic most of the time.
I don't know what is wrong with me but I really feel incapable of dealing with stress. I feel like I was probably sheltered from a lot of real life stresses as a kid and young adult and now when something happens that is hard to deal with I literally feel like I can't keep it together. Which is funny because I don't think a lot of people outside my family would recognize this in me...I'm pretty good at maintaining a brave face even in the midst of internal disaster. That is unless I know and trust you and then I just feel free to completely self-destruct in front of you. But it is usually in a negative way where you are more prone to be really angry at me than feel sorry for me. But my siblings were raised by the same parents and I don't feel like they are so crippled with dealing with problems...maybe it's just part of my personality...idk? I'm also not very good at letting people be there for me...I generally don't like to be touched so that can be a problem when someone's first instinct is to embrace someone who is sad. Sometimes when I am all alone and just feel overwhelmed by sadness or just cry and I think how nice it would be to just cry big sobbing heaves in my mother's arms...but I never do, I just can't for some reason. I have not done anything of the sort in a long long time.
So in short...I have some major stress coming my way in the next couple of months but it's not just happening to me it's happening to Mitch and Olivia and well...everyone I suppose. I feel alone but I don't know how to let anyone be there for me about it. I feel like I can't breathe. It's a fleeting thing that comes and goes and most of the time I am fine and other times I feel like I just want to crawl into a closet and cry. I also keep finding myself when I wake up in the morning curled into the fetal position...so that is weird, lol. I miss my siblings...for some reason I really really miss my brother. I think the last time I remember really falling apart in front of my family was when I went away to college and I was so homesick I felt like I could die. My brother happened to be in town and I remember just crying on his shoulder...it felt good. My big brother is usually a pretty silent supporter but I think that is the kind of support I respond best to...and now matter how old I get he still feels like my big brother. No matter how old any of us get I guess to me our birth order doesn't change in my mind. Little sister will always be little sister no matter how old she gets. And I am of course the middle child...so I guess that means I always gets the be the crazy one...Hooray, I don't know how much more crazy I can handle....
so anyways....not looking for a pity party just needing to get it out...
I don't know what is wrong with me but I really feel incapable of dealing with stress. I feel like I was probably sheltered from a lot of real life stresses as a kid and young adult and now when something happens that is hard to deal with I literally feel like I can't keep it together. Which is funny because I don't think a lot of people outside my family would recognize this in me...I'm pretty good at maintaining a brave face even in the midst of internal disaster. That is unless I know and trust you and then I just feel free to completely self-destruct in front of you. But it is usually in a negative way where you are more prone to be really angry at me than feel sorry for me. But my siblings were raised by the same parents and I don't feel like they are so crippled with dealing with problems...maybe it's just part of my personality...idk? I'm also not very good at letting people be there for me...I generally don't like to be touched so that can be a problem when someone's first instinct is to embrace someone who is sad. Sometimes when I am all alone and just feel overwhelmed by sadness or just cry and I think how nice it would be to just cry big sobbing heaves in my mother's arms...but I never do, I just can't for some reason. I have not done anything of the sort in a long long time.
So in short...I have some major stress coming my way in the next couple of months but it's not just happening to me it's happening to Mitch and Olivia and well...everyone I suppose. I feel alone but I don't know how to let anyone be there for me about it. I feel like I can't breathe. It's a fleeting thing that comes and goes and most of the time I am fine and other times I feel like I just want to crawl into a closet and cry. I also keep finding myself when I wake up in the morning curled into the fetal position...so that is weird, lol. I miss my siblings...for some reason I really really miss my brother. I think the last time I remember really falling apart in front of my family was when I went away to college and I was so homesick I felt like I could die. My brother happened to be in town and I remember just crying on his shoulder...it felt good. My big brother is usually a pretty silent supporter but I think that is the kind of support I respond best to...and now matter how old I get he still feels like my big brother. No matter how old any of us get I guess to me our birth order doesn't change in my mind. Little sister will always be little sister no matter how old she gets. And I am of course the middle child...so I guess that means I always gets the be the crazy one...Hooray, I don't know how much more crazy I can handle....
so anyways....not looking for a pity party just needing to get it out...
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