My Livvy Divvy Do...

So miss baby will be 12 weeks old tomorrow...not officially three months until the 9th at 9:25 pm. If that sounds a bit too specific to you...well you must not be a new mom!

Where has the time gone I wonder everyday when she seems more grown up than the previous day. It is amazing to me how quickly a baby grows...not only physically but mentally as well.

The little baby is born and you spend that first night thinking you must have the easiest baby in the history of babies.

She sleeps and sleeps and only make a soft mewing sound like a kitten upon waking up. This is gonna be easy you think...babies just sleep...wake up to eat and then go back to sleep...piece of cake!


This pretty much was the m.o. for Olivia for probably the first week. Then out of nowhere the crying for no apparent reason started. It was alarming.

What is going on?

Is she wet?
Is she poopy?
Is she hungry?
Is she gassy?
Is she too hot?
Is she too cold?
Is she overstimulated?

Is she not being stimulated enough?

When you have run down the list of possible easy to solve problems and find none of them to be the cause of this frantic crying. It is shocking as a new mother.

Is there something wrong with her you think. Oh God does she have colic? Does she just hate me so much that nothing I do can tame the beast she becomes with this incessant screaming?!!!

I am telling you that inconsolable crying can really drive you to the brink of insanity. I remember there were times I was alone with her and I would just lay there next to her on the bed and cry along with her. When your baby cries and you can't get her to stop, you feel like such a failure. You find anything that could be possibly wrong is your fault...you might as well be the one frantically flailing your arms and screaming in the middle of the store...I remember feeling that ashamed and judged by the other woman and mothers. Now I realize it was not judgement in those woman's eyes but sympathy...the "well I remember that frustration and desperation" look. A sort of "there by the grace of God go I" type of thing

Maybe this was a bad idea you think...this being a mother thing. It's hard to admit but there were times I felt very angry at her...why the hell won't she shut the "eff" up!

Thankfully Mitchell had the wherewithal to step in when I really became overwhelmed. But even so, even if she was in another room with someone lovingly trying to console her in the next...I still wanted to cry, I still felt like I should go to her snatch her up in my arms...that somehow being her mother I would be the one to calm her, to soothe her. That I should be the one to do these things. I felt pretty jealous when she would calm down for Mitch or for her Grandparents or Aunties.

This lasted for about 3 weeks after she was born...and slowly but surely she began to get better and I began to become more equipped to deal with it when she wasn't have a good day.

I think I was under the impression that since I carried her within me for 9 months that we would automatically know each other so well. That I would know everything to do in any possible situation because she was a part of me and only me for those first 9 months of her existence.

This is not the case...and I am telling any of you future first time moms because I wish someone had told me.

The love you feel for your child is automatic...for me it was the first time I heard her heartbeat...but always having the answers and solution to every problem...well that only comes with time.


Even in those rough first weeks I always loved her, that was not anything I ever doubted. However, it really takes time to get to know your baby. To read their ques, to know when they are too tired or hungry or just bored. To begin to recognize that "fake" cry for a real cry.

And a magical thing begins to happen.

Someone else is holding your baby and she begins to fuss and then cry. And the moment you take her back in your arms she stops. She nestles her little face into your shoulder or chest and just relaxes...calm and soothed.

You see you always knew she was your child but it seems it takes them a little longer to realize that you are their mother. And that my friends, that melts your heart.

When she begins to wake up and the moment she sees your face she smiles, she coos, she laughs...that's when you realize that no matter how trying being a mother can be...


It is totally worth it.

Even on those particuarily trying days when you have finally rocked her fussy crankypants to sleep...you look down and see that she's flipping you the bird

I have hit a wall...

You see this picture? This was at 21 years of age...after no longer weighing the 110 pounds of my 18 year old body and I thought I was fat...FAT!!!! How dare I have the nerve to think this girl fat



It was bound to happen sooner or later. I did birth a baby three months ago. I should have theoretically already started to do something about not being all the impressed with my post partum body. But with new motherhood, lack of sleep, lack of sanity at moments with a screaming infant, not thinking to eat and then eating crap when I finally do eat, how my laundry seems to never be done...the body has not really been in the fore-front of things on my mind.

After giving birth I remembered feeling pretty decent about how my body weathered the storm of pregnancy. It would be important dear reader to remember that "decent" is far from pleased. To me "decent" just racks up with "not suicidal"...certainly not thrilled.

Now before you get concerned I would not commit suicide over an unappealing body. I just tend to be pretty dramatic and so in order to maintain the theatrics I need to be extreme.

I did not gain that much weight in pregnancy. In fact my doctors always expressed concern that I was not gaining enough weight...or rather the baby was small.

Olivia weighed in at 7 pounds and 8 ounces, 19 inches long...pretty average and not what I would consider small...in other words I was mostly baby.

Maybe it was the relief of not being pregnant anymore, a significant amount of weight falling off right in the start...but I feel fatter now than I did the day after giving birth...which doesn't make a lot of sense because I weigh less now than I did then..

What is the deal?

I guess at first everything feels so loose and floppy in the belly area...now that some time has past it feels like maybe things have settled more and I am left with a weird deflated version of what I had before.

I feel uncomfortable in my body for really the first time in my life. I mean there have been times I have felt "fat"...but not like this.

My old pre-pregnant clothes fit but just don't feel right.

What to do, what to do?

Oh and a recent conversation with Mitchell did not help. It went a little something like this;

Emily: I need to lose weight, I don't like how I look.
Mitchell: yeah I need to lose weight too.
Emily: I hate all my clothes and I feel like I have nothing to wear but yoga pants...which now that I am no longer pregnant are all huge and even uglier than before.
Mitchell: you just have like one trouble spot that I can see really.
Emily: yeah my belly just looks weird now
Mitchell: Oh well yeah I mean that's understandable you just had a baby but I was actually thinking of your arms.
Emily: WHAT?!!!!!!
Mitchell: No I mean they aren't fat...I mean they just look loose, they never did before
Emily: WHAT?!!!!!!
Mitchell: Nevermind, I take it back
Emily: You can't take it back.

Okay now you may think who cares whatever...but there are two things I really feel self-conscious about...I hesitate to even say it because I don't want to point it out if you have not already noticed it....

MY ARMS AND MY DOUBLE CHIN.

You see I have a body like my dad's side of the family...easily pre-disposed to bulk. Not fat necessarily but just bulk. If I were to lift weights my arms would bulk up like a body-builder...I do not have the slender swan like arms like my little sister...It's so unfair!

So to recap...I want to weigh 110 pounds again...Which is not likely to happen. So if I could just look like that girl in the picture there I would be happy.

Hell I would be happy to look like I did a year ago this time.

Pre-Olivia

Awwww...shucks... but I guess she was worth it



Look how happy I was! She was worth this...

"and this too shall pass"

Eleven weeks and 5 days later...

And I feel lonely. I was laying in bed and couldn't help but feel restless...."I can't sleep", I thought. I changed positions, moved pillows around, tried the tummy sleeping and yet nothing was working. I felt annoyed...why can't I fall asleep? These days all I have to do is close my eyes and I drift off...which I have frequently done while breastfeeding baby Munch.

I suddenly thought it has been A--WHILE since the last time I was unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

When was that time?

When I was pregnant...pause...moment of silence...I feel so alone here in my bed, even while Mitch happily snores away next to me.

I reached down to feel my belly... where Olivia used to sleep. Then glanced in the darkness over to where she now sleeps.

This incredible rush of emptiness and sadness washed over me like a wave...she's not there anymore...and even a few feet away in her crib she felt so far away from where she used to be.

I wanted to rush over to her and hold her. I wanted to breathe in her baby smell and feel her tiny chest rise and fall against me.



I didn't do it though. She is a pretty light sleeper and I would have probably regretted it soon after when I wouldn't be able to get her back to sleep.

I really hated being pregnant. I complained and whined and now...now I realize how special it is to have a baby inside of you.

How incredible to be able to have your child within you and all to yourself for 9 months.

All these thoughts occurring to me as I realized I just wanted to feel her move inside of me...maybe subconsciously what was keeping me from falling asleep...

Neurotic New Mom + Overactive Imagination = Images of Horror!

So I have been a Mother for nearly three months...almost a year if you count gestation. And so far the pros certainly outweigh the cons. But with a baby or just the pregnant belly you seem to discover all these new qualities you never had before. Qualities may not be the right word. What's another way to describe your capacity to worry or obsess over things? Well whatever that word may be apply it here.



Well like I was saying...ever since becoming pregnant I have found myself worrying about everything and anything as it applies to Olivia. Strange things I would have never thought twice about before I obsess over.

While pregnant it was images of weird and rare deformities. Which was usually exaggerated by watching all those baby birthing shows on the discovery channel where inadvertently at least one baby per episode is born with some sort of problem. Water on the brain, the intestines being on the outside instead of the inside, heart defects, cleft palates, anything tramatic or devastating you name it Olivia might have it. This of course was alleviated once she was born and was...not to brag but perfect!



Now there is this whole new worry. Most of it involving falling or being dropped. Here is how it all began...

I took the baby into my old place of employment. She was in her carseat in a shopping cart but of course we had to unstrap her and take her out so people could get a better look at her. Then we shopped while the baby was set back in her carseat. Upon leaving the store and going to load the carseat back in the car I suddenly remembered she was only laying in her seat and not strapped in. I remembered so all was well and good but I freaked out anyway. I had all these horrifying images of what if I had not remembered...what if Mitch had not? The thoughts of that sweet little head upon the parking lot pavement....Oh! I can't even say it but like I said before HORRIFYING IMAGES. I have seen way too many horror movies...blood, guts and just a general plethora of gore that it is not a hard vision to conjure up in my mind. I remember as a kid in church being taught that you should not watch bad movies (violence, sex. etc) because those images become imprinted on your mind and you will always remember them. You know I must say church had that right.



So ever since then I have these flashes here and there of my baby falling out of her carseat...or getting in a car accident, or somebody dropping her, or things falling on her. I will start to freak out with these thoughts and mental pictures of all these possible fatal disfiguring scenarios and literally start to weep. Nothing has happened and I cry as though it already has. Just the thought of any part of that perfect little face or pristine tiny body getting damaged is enough to make me mental.



A few years back I was in the unfortunate position of seeing a little kitten die. It was tramatizing and a image I will never forget. I don't really want to go into it because it really caused nightmares for weeks. But long story short little kittens are always getting under your feet and if you are not careful you could step on the quick little things. Now before you think I am a kitten murderer let me just say it wasn't me. But I saw it happen and it was HORRIBLE, it was an accident but seriously I never want to see anything like that again.



So this added to being worried added to too many horror movies added to a new mother equals a crying super anal neurotic mess!



So if anyone ever hurts my little one...be prepared to deal with the wrath of one angry Mama Bear

A New Reflex?

So ever since entering this mysterious world of motherhood I have seemed to discover the values in rocking, swaying and all things fluid and repetitive.

By rocking I refer to the motions used to soothe a child...not exactly rocking out.

Once Miss baby made herself known...as in began to move in utereo, she began to rock my world.

The child was a mover and a shaker from her little fetus beginnings. I even remember reading that most woman don't feel the baby move until around 5 months...I felt her move at the very start of 4.

Impossible you say? Well I also read that some woman are just more in touch with their body and recognize those little flutters as the baby and not just gas or a hungry growl.

I guess I am one of these women. Those first flutters are so exciting and strange. Soon those flutters turn into definite kicks and punches and eventually ripples and bumps dancing their way across your tummy. Then you begin to notice that this baby obviously doesn't know it's day from night and wants to boogie all night long...which makes sleep pretty impossible. You are game for anything that might help this little crazy baby to settle down.

For me, when I was pregnant it was rocking. Only being able to sleep on your side makes this rocking motion pretty easy. Just a wiggle of the hips and you can "rock out" so to speak. Which about half the time would settle Miss fetus Olivia down and the other half at least distract me enough to not notice her movements.

Then out she came...a fetus no more...inside no more. She's a baby and very much outside. Then comes the rocking in my arms, or in the rocking chair or cradled on my legs...swaying to and fro. This always works....eventually.

But I just recently noticed a new twitch I seemed to have acquired, a reflex so to speak. When she first cries in the morning or in the middle of the night...before I am truly awake, I rock back and forth... just like I did when pregnant and trying to sleep. This of course, since she is not inside me and alone in her crib, obviously accomplishes nothing...but it's funny, isn't it?

It's not just in the early morning or waking up stages I do this.

When someone else is holding her and she is crying, I shake my hips if I am sitting. The other day I was reading a book (this is when I noticed I did this) and she began to fuss waking up from a nap and I started to gently shake the book.

Then I was like "I can't read this when it's moving, why am I doing this"?

Because she is crying.

It's so weird and funny. It's something I don't even realize I am doing half the time.

So if you happen to notice me rocking back and forth...don't think I need to be committed...

I am just new at this motherhood thing...

That and Olivia must be crying!

A-nnoyed

So maybe I am a big idiot?
Maybe just new to this blogger thing?
But whatever the case I cannot figure out how to post pics within my post. Whenever I try to add a pic I go to the stupid pic icon on the toolbar and the pic uploads but at the start of the post and in order to move it I have to shrink it down and drag and drop it where I would like it...which in turn messes up the whole thing. As you may have noticed the weird spacing and what not.

H-E-L-P

Sometimes I have to remind myself....

That I am not babysitting. Not that I feel disconnected to my child or really get a moment of peace away from her most days, but rather...as it applies to parental advice. This of course meaning advice on how to be a parent and advice coming from parents.

Do you need an example?

Thankfully for you dear reader I have many.

#1 (a phone conversation with my mother)
MOM: so how are things, what did you do today?
ME: well not a whole lot, got up, fed Liv and then gave her a bath...
Interuption by mother
MOM: Emily you should not bathe her everyday. She doesn't get dirty, and it'll dry her hair and skin out.
meanwhile I am thinking she clearly does not understand my baby's habit of letting the breastmilk often dribble down her chin and into the folds of her baby double chin. This results in what we affectionatley call the "cheese neck". Well because it makes her neck smell like stinky cheese...which when cause goes to effect is why I bathe her everyday. That and she loves it!
ME: Yeah okay Mom, I don't bathe her everyday Lie, blatent lie...sometimes more than once a day!
MOM: Well yesterday I called you and you were bathing her.
ME: whatever Mom, who cares...she's fine!

#2 (a friendly discussion about ear piercing)
--> sidenote I had previously decided that I did not want to pierce Olivia's ears. Mitch's mom asked me WAAAAYYYY before miss baby arrived if I planned on doing it. I responded as I usually do when I don't want to answer a question....change the subject or play dumb.
MOM: Has Sue asked you about piercing the baby's ears again?
ME: Not since she was born
MOM: Well good
ME: You know I have been thinking about it lately, it might be cute
MOM: Oh Emily it's so CHOLO
This of course is said quite passionately and quite in public I might add and also what the hell does CHOLO even mean? I know it's a Mexican thing...but not much else and I can assume by the connotation for which my mother often uses it...it's probably not a good thing. She also referred to some shoes my Sister wanted to wear for her wedding with this same word "CHOLO"
ME: Mom can you please refrain from saying Cholo in public? And could you please refrain from talking so loud
MOM: Oh whatever, you better not pierce those baby's ears...Emily I am serious
ME: Yeah whatever

#3 Putting the baby to sleep
--> Let me set this one up for you. Since Olivia has been born I always rock her to sleep. I am usually the only one to put her to sleep because Mitch doesn't have the patience and I feel a little possesive over my baby and don't like to ask for help. So she is used to being held, cuddled and swayed in my arms to be gingerly set down only after falling asleep. So I am at my mom's house and Liv is beyond exhausted and super-fussy and NEEDS to go to sleep. so mom decides to swaddle her and lay her down while still fussy and awake.
ME: Mom that is not going to work, she won't just fall asleep on her own.
MOM: She'll be fine, it'll be okay for her to cry a little.
ME: Mom she does not give up that easy, she is very strong willed.
MOM: Emily you can't always hold her, she'll never learn how to sleep on her own.
ME: She is too young to be spoiled by being held, you can't spoil a newborn.
Meanwhile I have wandered over to switch on the baby moniter function of my parents ancient never used intercom system.
MOM: Emily you are not going in there, just let her cry it out...she'll fall asleep
ME: It's already been like 10 minutes
MOM: Oh don't be dramatic
So since I know my baby better than anyone else, as predicted she does not fall asleep and just cries louder and louder and finally I proclaim she could be choking on her own spit-up and I am going in there.

#4 A post baby check-up where Liv got 5 shots
--> She got 5 shots and also a check-up. The Doctor noticed that she was drooling like crazy and also chewing on her fist. The Doctor said she was starting to show signs of teething, that her first teeth should break through in about 4-5 months. She then added that I can give her baby tylenol for the pain and also for the pain she will most likely feel in her leg after the shots.
MOM: So how often are you giving her that medicine?
ME: The Doc said every 5 hours for the first 2 days after the shots (this was hours after the shots) and then as needed for the teething
MOM: You should not give it to her just cause she is fussy.
ME: Mom if her legs are sore from the shots and it helps her teeth...I am going to give it to her. if it makes her feel better.
MOM: Well I think you may just be giving it to her because it makes her sleepy and easier to deal with.
ME: (frustrated because it clearly has been A-WHILE since she had to deal with a cranky fussy baby...i just roll my eyes)

So in conclusion I AM going to bathe my baby as often as I see fit, I AM going to pierce her ears if I want to (although prob not), I AM going to respond to her little peeps as well as her heavy sobs and rock her to sleep in my loving arms and I AM going to give her baby tylenol if it helps her with any teething pain. She is my baby and I love her and "Mother knows best" and I AM her mother. If I need any advice about what to do with my bathing schedule, my ear piercings, my sleeping habits or my pain relieving devices...then I will ask MY MOTHER.