I have hit a wall...

You see this picture? This was at 21 years of age...after no longer weighing the 110 pounds of my 18 year old body and I thought I was fat...FAT!!!! How dare I have the nerve to think this girl fat



It was bound to happen sooner or later. I did birth a baby three months ago. I should have theoretically already started to do something about not being all the impressed with my post partum body. But with new motherhood, lack of sleep, lack of sanity at moments with a screaming infant, not thinking to eat and then eating crap when I finally do eat, how my laundry seems to never be done...the body has not really been in the fore-front of things on my mind.

After giving birth I remembered feeling pretty decent about how my body weathered the storm of pregnancy. It would be important dear reader to remember that "decent" is far from pleased. To me "decent" just racks up with "not suicidal"...certainly not thrilled.

Now before you get concerned I would not commit suicide over an unappealing body. I just tend to be pretty dramatic and so in order to maintain the theatrics I need to be extreme.

I did not gain that much weight in pregnancy. In fact my doctors always expressed concern that I was not gaining enough weight...or rather the baby was small.

Olivia weighed in at 7 pounds and 8 ounces, 19 inches long...pretty average and not what I would consider small...in other words I was mostly baby.

Maybe it was the relief of not being pregnant anymore, a significant amount of weight falling off right in the start...but I feel fatter now than I did the day after giving birth...which doesn't make a lot of sense because I weigh less now than I did then..

What is the deal?

I guess at first everything feels so loose and floppy in the belly area...now that some time has past it feels like maybe things have settled more and I am left with a weird deflated version of what I had before.

I feel uncomfortable in my body for really the first time in my life. I mean there have been times I have felt "fat"...but not like this.

My old pre-pregnant clothes fit but just don't feel right.

What to do, what to do?

Oh and a recent conversation with Mitchell did not help. It went a little something like this;

Emily: I need to lose weight, I don't like how I look.
Mitchell: yeah I need to lose weight too.
Emily: I hate all my clothes and I feel like I have nothing to wear but yoga pants...which now that I am no longer pregnant are all huge and even uglier than before.
Mitchell: you just have like one trouble spot that I can see really.
Emily: yeah my belly just looks weird now
Mitchell: Oh well yeah I mean that's understandable you just had a baby but I was actually thinking of your arms.
Emily: WHAT?!!!!!!
Mitchell: No I mean they aren't fat...I mean they just look loose, they never did before
Emily: WHAT?!!!!!!
Mitchell: Nevermind, I take it back
Emily: You can't take it back.

Okay now you may think who cares whatever...but there are two things I really feel self-conscious about...I hesitate to even say it because I don't want to point it out if you have not already noticed it....

MY ARMS AND MY DOUBLE CHIN.

You see I have a body like my dad's side of the family...easily pre-disposed to bulk. Not fat necessarily but just bulk. If I were to lift weights my arms would bulk up like a body-builder...I do not have the slender swan like arms like my little sister...It's so unfair!

So to recap...I want to weigh 110 pounds again...Which is not likely to happen. So if I could just look like that girl in the picture there I would be happy.

Hell I would be happy to look like I did a year ago this time.

Pre-Olivia

Awwww...shucks... but I guess she was worth it



Look how happy I was! She was worth this...

"and this too shall pass"