So today has not been unlike any other morning of my life. A life that seems to be on a constant repeating cycle. Like my life truly the past 4 or 5 months has been on one big redundant loop. Round and round we go all day... everyday. An endless series of waking up, bottle mixing, diaper changing, food preparing, bathing, nap taking, story reading, playing, and chasing a quite quick little cyclone of activity. It's amazing how much motherhood can be exactly all you hoped for, as well as way more boring and challenging than you ever expected. That statement seems like a paradox...it seems one would contradict the other but it really doesn't...both are true.All you see before you ever have a child of your own is the baby, the toddler, the cute little girl... how fun to be a mother! To play with your kid and dress them up in cute clothes and get all those adoring stares from people admiring you in all your maternal glory as you carry said little child around the grocery store. What you don't see is the exhaustion, the snot on mother's shoulder, the applesauce in the baby's hair, the diaper rash, the teething, the fussing, the sweat pants and old t-shirt that become your uniform...you don't see that. Don't get me wrong, I love being a mother and I love my baby Olivia. However, having a baby changes you and your life in irrevocable and permanent ways.
Anyways this morning was not any different from any other morning. We woke up, we had a bottle, we played, we ate breakfast, we had a bath and got dressed... well she got dressed anyway. But this morning as I watched my baby in the bath-tub it dawned on me that she's getting so big! I feel her babyhood slipping away from me...and it's a slippery slope, each day seems to pick up momentum and move faster away from her babyness than the previous day. Who is out there pressing the fast forward button? All the while I felt like I was on pause...and maybe "I" was....but Olivia has been been on fast forward, picking up speed. I looked at her expertly move about the bath-tub and I began to cry...granted it is that time of the month...but watching her play there in the tub it really hit me; She won't be like this forever. Soon she will be walking without stumbling. Soon her jabber will turn to actual words. I can't take it! It's heartbreaking to know she has to grow up. I mean I know it's a process...she doesn't go from a baby to 18 in a blink of an eye...but look at how fast this first year has gone? And we all know that things just move quicker as time goes by...
I want to live in this moment forever. I want to watch her play in the tub in awe of her development over the past 11 months. I don't want to move any further. I want the only consequence of staying here in the bath forever to be pruney hands, fingers and feet. I want the water to stay warm. I want her hands and cheeks to stay babyish and chubby. Please baby, please stay as still as you can and maybe time will skip us and we won't ever have to move past this moment right here and now....
I would never claim to know much about life. I am not someone who holds many convictions or proclaims to have much faith in anything. I don't know the truth or meaning of life. Here is what I know...nothing in life makes time move faster than becoming a mother....and you can't ever get that time back....so I have to remind myself to cherish the boring times, the repeating days, and the endless cycle of changing diapers.
(Olivia and I at the Zoo, 2 weeks old)
Dear Olivia Marie.....you are the best part of me.....please don't grow up too fast.....and if you could just pretend to not be getting bigger that would be great for me. If you could always let me hold you and cradle you like a baby, that would help. I don't think it's too much to ask....I mean I did birth you afterall, and that was quite a feat!
(Oliva and I at the Zoo, same spot as above 11 months old)
No comments:
Post a Comment