Thinking my thoughts

In a random list order....

1. Since I wrote that entry about the panhandler at Walmart I have seen him like countless more times...my feelings about him seem to just get more intensely annoyed. Which led me think...he is here like everyday, it must be working for him, he must be having some measure of success. Which surprises me that people who shop at this Walmart are that charitable. Come to think of it, you never see people asking for money at Target or the Grocery store...why Walmart of all places? And what happened to the days where people would have boxes of kittens and puppies they were trying to get rid of in front of stores...I mean at least they are cute to look at!

2. My dishwasher is a tease. My house is old, built long before the invention of dishwashers. Whoever owns this house has not changed much about it...the light fixtures are newer but everything else seems original, therefore if the kitchen was built before dishwashers and they wanted to preserve the integrity of the old house...that doesn't leave a lot of room to install a dishwasher once that technology arrived. So I have a tiny dishwasher, like not even half the size of a normal dishwasher. When I go to my parents and load dishes after dinner or something it seems like lavishly enormous! So when I have a bunch of dishes instead of my mind being at ease about at least I can load most of these in the dishwasher...I feel ripped off because not even half of these dishes will fit in one load if I actually want the dishes to be clean. So I have to wait around to thoroughly clean up messes or wash stuff by hand. TEASE!!!!!

3. Olivia is so bossy. I don't know if it's her age or her personality but she is so demanding all the time. She orders me to do this or that and her voice is so loud and booming I feel like I live with a WWF announcer. I live with 2 people and one cat and I feel like they all in some way are constantly trying to control me. This could be in my imagination because I seem to have irrational fears and paranoia about people controlling me and wanting to just do the opposite to piss them off. This especially applied to me as a teenager and young adult when it came to my mother. Anyways! Mitch is just plain bossy ALL THE TIME, Olivia is so demanding of "Playing", "reading" or "Juice" or what have you. Then there is Shiloh, the cat. Urghh I feel like the only true alone time I get is when both Mitch and Olivia are in bed and that has been completely taken over by the dumb cat. It's nice and quiet in the house and then all of a sudden the cat starts to meow and scratch at the door.....IT DRIVES ME INSANE!!!!!!!! I think the cat noise bothers me most of all because he just doesn't "get it". I can't believe how much I once loved this cat. I mean don't get me wrong I still love him...kinda I guess. I just treated him like a baby ever since I got him when he was a baby, so he is so needy and affectionate and really only likes me or my dad and nowadays that just annoys me. On the rare occasions that I let him in the house it's not like he can just hang out in the same room and be content. He follows me wherever I go and is always trying to jump up in my lap and rub on my face and it just annoys me. I think why can't you be a normal cat and just lay on the floor and ignore me! I think since becoming a mother I really don't much care for pets anymore. Is that sad? I mean I love animals but I don't want to live with any of them anymore...I totally get why we never had a dog growing up. Then when my mom finally was guilted into getting a pet it was the most anti-social evil cat in the world...so basically it was like having no pet at all. She was always hiding out and had no desire to be "part of the family". Then she got really old and really affectionate and then she died.

4. Mitch's surgery which was originally supposed to be in January was postponed til April. So next month on the 16th is the big day. I am so scared. I mean I guess I have always been scared since first learning he would have to have surgery but we heard this in October so January was a ways away. Then January came and Mitch decided he wanted to wait until after Olivia's birthday and so it was scheduled for April which in January still seemed a long time away. Now it's March 16th and it is officially no longer that far away and I am freaking out. I don't feel like I know what to expect and that is what scares me the most. The cardiologist and surgeon doing the surgery are all located in San Francisco so there have not been that many appointments where we could learn what to expect because simply it's a pain to have to get down there for the appointments. Especially with Olivia and usually not having a babysitter and urgh. The fact that all this is being done in San Francisco also stresses me out. I don't like being away from my home and especially don't like to be away in scary or stressful situations and this time I'm just gonna have to be exhausted and stressed out and worried and away. He will be in the hospital for at least a week after...then has to be back the following week for a check-up. Where am I going to be? Where is Olivia going to be? Mitch's parents live in the bay area but there is literally "no room at the Inn there". I'm scared for Mitchell. I know he is so afraid of something going wrong. I mean I guess everyone knows that something could go wrong even though it's not likely. But it's probably way harder to be the one being cut open to have thoughts of worst case scenarios...much easier to rationalize that everything will be fine when you aren't the one who has to do it. I can't believe this is happening to be honest. This is something old people have to deal with...why do we have to deal with it!! I mean obviously it's no one's fault Mitch was born with a crazy heart...but it really sucks even so!

5. Olivia is still not potty trained. Part of me feels crappy that I have just not made her do it and then a bigger part of me says she will do it when she is ready. My mom is always like "Emily she just turned three she should be potty trained...she should have been like a year ago". Olivia is a smart kid. She has always been quick to do things and hit milestones and you know it really doesn't bother me the way my mother thinks it should that she hasn't decided to use a potty yet. I think my mom thinks that if she is telling me about my other nephews who are potty training (or were potty trained)that are younger than Liv that this is will embarrass me into action. Or somehow kick in some sort of competitive edge in me to force Olivia to keep up. What my mother seems to not remember is that I AM NOT COMPETITIVE....AT ALL!!!! And I mean according to studies it's her fault, lol. If she wanted me to be competitive and proactive she shouldn't have made me the middle child! But I guess someone had to be in the middle and I am just the easy laid back lazy one to do it! I once read a book on birth order and although my siblings and I are not typical because there are so many years between us (which supposedly makes us all more like only children)I definitely fit the role of the middle child like a glove! So you know what if I force her to do it before she wants to...it's just going to be a disaster. She is strong willed, opinionated and so so so stubborn, if she doesn't want to do it...she's not going to. Does it make me lazy to not force her? I don't think so...at least at the age of three...I'm sure there will be plenty of battles to fight when she is a teenager.

6. Hmmmmm what else? Oh I know!!!! What seemed like a cool fun kinda thing to have/drive has become the bain of my existence. Mitch for a while after Olivia was first born became OBSESSED (what else is new) with VW Westfalias and Vanagons. He found a Vanagon for 1,000....which apparently is a steal and bought it...this was about three years ago. He really wanted a "westy" as they are called (Westfalia) but apparently they are harder to find in working order and way more expensive if they are functional. So our van is like a 1987...I think? So while older Vanagons give off a cool hippie vibe this one from the 80's.....well not so much! LOL. I think the first problem is the color. It's white and kinda a dingy white at that so it resembles something more you would see a painter or child abductor drives. I have seem many other Vanagons that look the same as mine but are a cool navy color or burgundy and they look....pretty rad. My Vanagon does not look rad. Did I mention that because of the terrible gas mileage Mitch drives the other car and so I am stuck with Olivia and the van. So the person who "F-ing loves this van" or so he proclaims everytime he drives it...which isn't often, isn't even the one who has to use it everyday!

Now on a good day when I actually do my hair and get dressed in something cute I feel kinda like a cool peace loving granola eating mother driving around in this crazy car, I feel like I can pull it off. But I mean let's face it...that is not all that often, lol. So on the days where I have to run to the store real fast and I am wearing yoga pants and sweatshirts with my hair unwashed in a ponytail where if I was getting out of some normal looking car people wouldn't look twice at me...however I am not getting out of any type of normal looking car so I basically look like a crazy homeless person or something. People make sure to hit their little lock buttons on their keys when I am getting out of the van next to them. And although I have never been one to care much what people think of me or what kind of car I drive...I mean hello remember what my 4runner looked like...I want to flip these people off. I mean really, REALLY!!!!???? You think me and my three year old daughter are going to break into your car just because I am wearing a sweatshirt and drive this stupid van....Get a effing life!!!! So I am hating the van lately. But Mitch has mentioned selling it before and the thought of it not being ours anymore...I mean I don't want to get rid of the dumb thing either. There is a small part of me that likes the van. I mean I liked it a lot before it became my main form of transportation. I think I need a sticker that says "I choose to drive this van...it wasn't the only thing I could afford...so don't judge me!"

And that....that I think should do it for today readers!

My Musical Pilgrimage

So let's just pretend it hasn't been a thousand years since I last posted. That makes it less weird to be posting about something relatively random. Okay we are just gonna dive right in here....

So I have always thought of myself as someone who was really into music. Not in some obnoxious way...not in some "How do you afford you rock n roll t-shirt, that proves you were there, that you heard of them first", way...Thank you Cake for possibly the most clever song to diss so called "Music people". But just in a way where music was a big part of my free time. A big part of my showering and getting ready and driving and wallowing in self-pity time. If there was quiet and there was music available I liked to fill the silences type of way.

So when did this change? When I moved in with Mitchell in Santa Barbara this changed. We lived in an old house that was converted into 4 apartments and the walls were literally paper thin. In a way where if you had just gotten into a huge fight with your boyfriend the night before you would be embarrassed to see the neighbor the next day at the mailbox...because he for sure heard every word! And seeing how the other neighbors were well over the age of 40...well all we heard from their side of the walls was snoring, the phone ringing and occasionally singing. Anyways so Mitch never let me listen to music so I just kinda stopped listening to music so much. Not to mention over the years Mitch seems to have become unable to think straight or function if there is music playing....so besides Disney movies with songs and Yo Gabba Gabba, we don't listen to a lot of music, sadly.

Rewind about a year ago and Mitch bought me a new ipod. I had one already but couldn't find it after we moved. The thing was, the computer I had most of my music on was also lost or misplaced after I got my new laptop and who knows where most of my CD's disappeared to, so I had very little music to put on the new ipod....depressing. Then a miracle!!!! My Mom called me about a month or so ago and said when was the last time you slept in the bedroom upstairs...."ughhhhh I don't know Christmas Eve...before that probably when I was pregnant with Olivia". "Well I was changing the sheets on the bed upstairs and guess what I found", I had no idea what she could have found? "Your ipod"......Hooray!!!!!!!

And now when Olivia Naps or Mitch and Olivia are both in bed for the night I can put on earphones on and just feel like "ME" again. Music is such a motivator for me...I can be completely exhausted and worn out but if I am listening to music all of a sudden I get a burst of energy and I can clean the whole house like a speed freak tweaker or something. Especially if I am listening to Huey Lewis and the News...I am telling you there is nothing that can't be accomplished by ole' Huey. All this music listening lately besides instilling me a sense of self and happiness and me-ness that isn't associated with being Olivia's mother or Mitch's lady has really got me thinking about why I like the music I do...because I think I have quite the odd array of musical tastes. So where did they come from? How does someone like Radiohead, Janis Joplin, Cat Stevens, Roger Miller, NOFX, Elton John, The Clash, The Violent Femmes and They Might be Giants?

If I think back to the person who is probably most responsible for my musical tastes it would have to be my older brother Eric. I recall memories of music he would blast on his stereo the way most people probably remember music their parents listened to. I don't really remember much music my parents listened to besides like The Beach Boys with my dad and an array of Andew Llyod Webber show tunes from my Mom. My brother is 6 years older than me...which sometimes felt like a lifetime away and nowadays doesn't seem that big of a deal. But when you are 10 and your brother is 16...well you can bet he isn't listening to Paula Abdul and New Kids on the Block like you are. To me, at 10, Eric seemed the epitome of cool. He could drive, he wore bolos,he wore Cool Water cologne and Drakkar Noir, he wore his overalls with one strap hanging down, he pegged his pants and he even had a cool cowboy hat in the style of U2's Bono. Sometimes when I was lucky he would let me drive with him to Carl's Jr and buy me a Western Bacon Cheeseburger just like he would order which is still the only thing I ever eat when I go to Carl's Jr.

Eric was a good big brother. I was probably beyond annoying to him but it wasn't too often that he made me feel annoying. The only times I remember him really picking on me was when I was picking on my little sister...who I sadly probably always let her know how annoying she was, lol. Sorry Katie!!!! Anyways every Saturday morning as we were doled out our chores for the day Eric would turn on his stereo and play music like U2, Depeche Mode, Erasure, The Proclaimers, Paul Simon, They Might Be Giants, The Steve Miller Band, the soundtrack to Back to the Future. I don't remember feeling overly impressed by his music especially when U2 ventured into their "Zoopra" album and always wondering what "I really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree" meant. But somehow it all stuck with me. When I did start to listen to my own music, long after Eric had moved out I found myself really listening to the same things especially U2, Paul Simon and Erasure...remember Rachel Olsen...."I love to hate you"....lol.

Then I went through a phase where all I listened to was Kool 101.5, which people in Roseville would remember was the oldies station. This was greatly influenced by Jr. High and Jamie Golden. I remember hoping they would play our favorite "Run Around Sue" by Dion. I even remember calling the Radio Station on several occasions to request the song. I also remember driving with Jamie and her dad in his flatbed truck down to Monterrey to visit her Grandpa. The truck had no radio and so her dad improvised and broke out in "California Dreaming" while we chimed in with the chorus. In high school I spent a lot of time with my oldest childhood friend Rachel. She lived right up the street from me and our parents had known eachother since forever and we had played together ever since I was in first grade and she was in second. Her parents were "music people". They had albums from Boston and The Carpenters and Simon and Garfunkle and we would make cookies or hot fudge sundaes rocking out to "More than a Feeling" on more than a thousand occasions. She also being a year older than me drove me to school and seminary when she got her license and there we would venture out into Music by The Cranberries and Everclear.

Then Rachel moved away for college and I had long since lost contact with Jamie and I had my very first boyfriend, Clark...gasp. I remember thinking I liked punk music because I liked that one song by Blink 182 that was on the radio and I liked Green Day back in Jr High. I later came to realize that Blink 182 isn't really punk music and this is when I started listening to Clark and his friends kind of music...NOFX, Rancid, Rage Against the Machine, The Offspring, The Violent Femmes etc. I mean I don't think I ever actually bought any of these albums but I always heard them and knew the lyrics and in my own way liked that music...it was never really "me" though.

After High School through Clark I was reunited with an old classmate Lindsay. Clark and Lindsay had moved in together and were step siblings. So I had an instant best friend in Lindsay who I had known since 7th Grade but wasn't all that close to back then other than talking in class and liking one another. Lindsay was into the whole Hippie type music. And while I always liked older music I wouldn't say that since Clark I had listened to much of it. Lindsay listened to The Doors, Janis Joplin, 311 and Radiohead. So while we made hemp necklaces and beaded jewelry we would listen to this kind of music. It was a really fun time in my life and Lindsay acted as the glue that kind of held Clark and I together because once she had moved out and moved on it wasn't long before Clark and I also moved on.

Then came Mitchell....oh Mitchell!!!!! I had known Mitch for quite some time before we became "Mitch and Emily". I always liked him, always thought he was cute, was never too annoyed by his ADHD like other people, and really just loved his family and visiting over there with all his siblings. Kinda reminded me of the Olsen house with all the brothers and sisters, something I always felt envious of as a middle child of just 3 and 3 really spaced apart at that. Something I had missed since Rachel was gone and we had grown apart over the years. Mitch and I did not have similar musical tastes. He seemed to like Rap and Hip Hop...something I never liked and have never grown to like. Then shortly after we got together Mitch started working at Dimple Records and he would bring home music he thought I would like...The Killers, The Postal Service, Death Cab for Cutie, The Velvet Underground, Various mixes of 60's and 70's music. Then he introduced me to The Clash and I was in love. I once mentioned liking Queen and he immediately started buying me Queen CD's and soon liking Queen turned into LOVING Queen and it was really Mitchell that brought that on. He took me to a Violent Femmes concert...not that Mitch sucks or something now but back in the start of our relationship he really was the sweetest guy and totally in love with me and would literally do anything for me. I mean we have been together for almost 10 years and have known eachother for probably 12 or 13...so obviously things aren't as magical was they once were...we both have gotten cranky and more stubborn over the years, lol. But he is my Mitchy and I love him. It's just thinking about how head over heels he was with me back then...it still makes me feel swoony!!!

Anyways so there you have it....the musical journey of me. Thank you to all of you involved in making me love the music I do. Eric, Rachel, Jamie, Clark, Lindsay and my Mitchella!!!!!