"Lucky Me"

So I have been avoiding talking about this for a while...for nearly 2 months now I suppose. It's nothing crazy or tragic or too life altering...well I guess it has altered my life a bit...well a lot. It's more of a nuisance and an annoyance and a frustration than anything else. Well anyone who has been pregnant knows the joy of the glucose screening test. And by joy I actually mean pure hell. The test I took with Olivia wasn't nearly as bad cause I only had to do the one hour test and wasn't required to do any fasting beforehand. Not the case this time, I'm sure you can see where this is going. My doctor this time around tests everyone over 30 with a 2 hour fasting test, thankfully it wasn't the three hour test! So basically I couldn't eat for 8 hours beforehand then report to the lab to have my blood drawn....drink the sugary nasty concoction which is twice the amount of the 1 hour test and therefore twice as sugary and disgusting and you have to have it all down in 2 minutes. Then you get to sit around for an hour then they draw your blood again and you get to sit around for another hour until the draw your blood the third time.

Mind you I hate having my blood drawn and was already stressed out from my ultrasound the week before where the tech told me my baby was kinda big and asked had I had my glucose test yet. Now I don't pay much credence to these ultrasound size estimations or technician opinions. According to them Olivia was going to be lucky to be born at barely 5 pounds when she was a completely normal 7 and a half pounds. But all the same I felt worried about some giant baby ripping me apart during birth or worse needing a c-section. Anyways back to the test...I seriously felt like I was going to die the first hour. I started sweating like crazy and for the second time in my life, the first being seeing Mitchell after his heart surgery, felt like I was going to faint. The blood people kept asking me if I wanted to lie down but I just kept taking frequent trips to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face and neck. It was terrible!!! The second hour went better but I still felt pretty crappy and by the time it was over I just wanted to go home and lie down and not get up for the rest of the day...which is basically what I did. Then the doctor called a few days later with the news I did not want to hear. "Your fasting number was normal and your last number was normal but the second number was a bit borderline high, so the doctor is referring you to a diabetes dietitian and counselor". FAIL!!!!! I asked "well does that mean I have gestational diabetes or just that it was kinda high"...She didn't really give me a definitive answer only that "it was better to be safe than sorry" and to just wait to hear from the diabetes people.

A week or so went by and I still had not heard anything and in the meantime felt so stressed out about what I should and should not be eating and whether or not I was doing some sort of irreversible damage to my baby. I mean I am neurotic and I am a worrier and everything to me is the end of the world. I couldn't take it!!!! I was so sad and depressed all week...I didn't really know what to eat so I just didn't eat most of the time which certainly didn't help feeling awful and depressed. Thankfully a girl I knew from church growing up had expressed on Facebook a few months ago that she had it so I emailed her and she was able to give me ideas on what to eat and what to do and that I wasn't going to hurt my baby and basically to calm down, breathe and I would be fine. Which I was extremely grateful to hear from her and she made me feel a lot more supported about the whole thing. Even so I felt ashamed, alone, like a failure, like maybe had I not eaten so much ice cream or drank soda maybe this wouldn't be happening to me. Most of all it just felt like why? WHY NOW? WHY ME? As if the last 6 months had not been trying enough. Mitch's health problems, his surgery, losing his job after his surgery, my grandmother dying, the fact that we were broke, the fact that my pregnancy with Olivia was less than ideal and I just wanted to enjoy being pregnant this time...it just seemed like one more thing to push me over the edge of the already shaky grip I had on any mental well being. Maybe this sounds dramatic and like it wouldn't be a big deal to you...but it was a big deal to me and still depresses me at least once a day, if not most of the day.

Anyways since it had been a week and I had still not heard from the diabetes place I called the doctor and they gave me the number to call. However once I did make contact with them I was told that I would be scheduled for a class where I would learn all about the whole thing and what not but the classes are so full that I couldn't even get in for another 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS!!!!! It had already been like 2 weeks of unguided confusing hell what am I supposed to do in the meantime? The nurse who scheduled my class was like "Oh your numbers aren't bad...just borderline so you know eat healthy and don't go crazy"....oh thanks because I really know what you mean by "don't go crazy" and also do you know who you are talking to? I am already way past crazy about this...I mean I felt completely insane!!

So left to my own devices I barely ate much for the three weeks...trying to follow the carb counts of what I should be eating on some gestational diabetes website I found online and actually ended up losing 5 pounds in those three weeks and seeing how I had only gained about 15 pounds so far at 7 months pregnant it did seem a bit alarming but I had a doctor appointment in there somewhere and they assured me that I was fine and the baby was growing?!!!! I still have been the same weight for like the last 2 months!? My belly is getting bigger so how I am not gaining weight doesn't really make sense to me. I think a lot of people, myself included, think that only overweight people develop gestational diabetes. I mean I was no Kate Moss by any means but I wasn't overweight before becoming pregnant and I didn't gain a bunch of weight while pregnant so again the whole thing baffled me. I am however really not all that active or into exercise...so I don't know. Mitchell had been pretty supportive for the most part, helping me pick out meals with small carb counts and he is on a sodium restricted diet so I guess on some level can sympathize. However he is also Mitchell and there has been a lot of unwanted teasing about the whole thing..."I told you not to eat so much ice cream, maybe it was all that soda you drank when you stopped having coffee, well you know you don't have the best eating habits, blah, blah, blah".

My mom on the other hand...well she never thinks there is ever anything wrong with anyone so any talking with her was pretty frustrating. She would just tell me that I was being dramatic and that she bet when I went to the class they would tell me I was fine. All this did was make me more mad. Yes I know I am probably being a bit crazy and obsessive about the whole thing but they wouldn't be making me go to the dumb class if there was nothing to worry about, if it was nothing. You literally have to be bleeding out of the skull with your brains falling out for my mom to admit that maybe there was a problem, and that's still a big maybe, lol. Which probably explains why I always had perfect attendance in school, there was no getting away with faking anything with her growing up. I mean I don't feel singled out by this cause she is this way with everything and everyone..."Oh it's fine, you're fine, life goes on, stop being so dramatic"...you get the idea.

So last week was the big class. The three and a half hour class. Where they explain what gestational diabetes is, why pregnant women develop it, how it can be controlled with diet, how it goes away after birth of the placenta, how stress can raise your blood sugar, about how it is mostly about hormones blocking the production of insulin in some "lucky women", and last but not least how to check your blood sugar 4 times a day which is required. Ughhhhhh I had to prick myself 3 times before I got enough blood, I was so nervous...I hate blood, the sight of blood and now I have to do this 4 times a day! The class was helpful and the nurse and dietitian were very informative and reassuring that if you follow all the guidelines everything will be fine and the baby will be a normal size and healthy, that there was nothing we did to cause it, it just happens sometimes. I did find the other mothers in the class a bit annoying. All of them were like "ehhh I wasn't shocked when I had it, I feel okay about it, I can manage it and it's not a big deal".They all for the record were also normal weights if not slender. But I wanted to scream "I was shocked, I was pissed, I'm still pissed off about it, it sounds like a huge pain in the ass even though I guess it's what I have to do now. It's been a week and I still flinch everytime I await the spring action "lancet" to pierce my poor sore fingers. This is some pretty intense stuff. I have to record all my numbers once when I wake up after not eating all night and an hour after the first bite every every main meal. Then I have to email my doctor my numbers weekly and I also have 2 more appointments with these diabetes people before the baby is born. So far my numbers have been pretty normal. I have had a few numbers that were a few points higher than what my "goal numbers" are, but nothing outrageous. However when I have had an elevated number it makes me really upset...I cry. I feel like I am doing what they told me to do and feeling miserable in the meantime and still apparently can't get it right. It's very frustrating.

The hardest part of this whole thing is having to plan ahead what I am going to eat and I have to make sure to eat every 2-3 hours and not to mention they want you to eat all your meals and snacks at the same time everyday (yeah right that's happening). I feel like a slave to the clock. Having to remember the exact time of my first bite of food and test my blood exactly one hour later. Having to remember what time I ate and what I ate so I can make sure to eat exactly 2-3 hours later and not sooner than that. It's pretty depressing, I feel hungry all the time, I don't feel like I can enjoy anything I am eating or anything at all for that matter because it is always in the back of my mind. When can I eat, what can I eat, what do I feel like eating, do we even have anything I can eat, I don't feel like eating right now but I have to eat, I have to wake up to eat sometimes because I can't go longer than 8 hours at night without eating...however I have to not eat for 8 hours to get my "fasting" blood sugar first thing in the morning. I feel like I am eating just to survive at this point...that's about it.

I know there is a lot of people who can't have babies and would gladly take my position for the chance to have a baby...and I appreciate that and I am grateful...but I would really like "catch a break" so to speak. I mean I would really have liked to have everything go the way it's supposed to for once in my life. I am usually the type who always has to learn things the hard way and most of those times it's from my own stupidity and actions that cause those trying consequences to come crashing down around me. But I really don't feel like anything I did caused the stress that is my life the past 6 months...it just would have been nice after all the heart surgery stuff, after all the having to take care of everyone during recovery stuff to be able to at least somewhat enjoy the end of my pregnancy...to at least be able to have a bowl of ice cream or a truck load of pasta or an entire pizza.

So it's touch and go. Sometimes I feel okay about the whole thing and other times when I'm hungry or waiting around to test my blood sugar I just feel really lonely and depressed. I still feel pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, still don't like to talk about it, still feel like people are going to judge me and think I'm fat and disgusting about the whole thing. Just feel like I am existing in this pregnancy instead of enjoying it or living it. I guess the thing I think about the most is my baby. Hoping I am doing right by him and feeling really guilty for this happening in the first place. I love you "baby needs a name", please be healthy and a normal size so you don't rip me open!

There are days...AND THERE ARE DAYS!!!!

Sometimes I feel like I am not cut out to be a mother. I am fairly certain this is probably a widespread fleeting notion among many stay at home moms and probably even more so for pregnant stay at home moms. In other words, I know I love my child and I know I am a good mom but these days, urghhhhh I would like to run away. I only have one child and I know many people who have or who have had way more children to contend with while being pregnant, I guess the past week or two I just feel like I am not handling it very well. I feel so impatient, so easily annoyed, so outraged by the blatant defiance that seems to be Olivia's most prominent characteristic these days. As you probably know Mitch has been out of work since mid April. What you probably don't know is that his job so kindly also decided to lay him off 2 days after his open heart surgery so at this point there is no job to return to when he is 100% cleared for work by the doctor. So while we knew we would be living off any savings we had and disability while he was in recovery...we didn't expect for him to be layed off.

Mitch being home 24-7 has been an adjustment for all three of us. Mitch isn't one for sitting around the house so his initial first couple of weeks after surgery were rough because he really couldn't do much. I'd say after a month or so after the surgery he was pretty good about being able to do things for himself around the house and by 6 weeks he was cleared to drive himself around which was a godsend to me because he is literally the most annoying obnoxious critical back seat driver known to man. But it has been hard to feel like the routine between Olivia and I has been totally out of whack. Not that I was ever so disciplined or regimented that the routine was completely strict or constant...I guess just the routine of it being me and her and just having to deal with one another. Doing our little errands or going places I know she likes to go, just the two of us. With Mitch being home she has never been more crazy, more out of control, more defiant, more mean than she has been since she has had to contend with 2 parents at home with her all day, everyday. Mitchell tends to want to control her, he tends to want things to be done a certain way and in a certain manner and so while I have always been kinda relaxed when it came to monitoring Olivia throughout the day. Mitch is literally smotheringly "all over her". He doesn't know when to back off. To leave her alone if she wants to be alone, to stop teasing her when she asks, to just let her run off and be mad when she's mad. She does not do well with this at all, which I know is contributing to her ever increasing bratty behavior. He has always been this way, however she is not used to dealing with it all day long, she was used to him being home in the evening and night and weekends and things felt pretty balanced that way.

I am also not used to him being home all the time. I would never classify myself as a very social person. I mean yes I do enjoy social situations from time to time but I am probably very much a loner in a lot of ways. I need alone time, I like alone time, I rarely feel bad about the fact that I don't have many friends because I have never been someone who needed that. I like having one or two good friends that I can get together with when the mood strikes and that has always been rather sufficient for me. I mean there have been times in my life where I had a lot of friends, where I was constantly going out or surrounded by people, but it's never been something I needed. These days I probably really don't have any friends, lol. I was very close with Mitch's sister Ashley who used to live just down the street but she moved away in February which was really sad for me. I do on occasion get together with his other sister Allison who lives really close but for some reason I don't often make an effort to call, which is my fault because I know she would always be open to hang out. But Mitchell being home and not getting my daily dose of "alone in the house to do whatever I want time when Olivia is napping" is NO MORE. I feel like I am losing my mind. Since Mitch has been for the most part better and can drive himself around he does once or twice a week go out and do things with his friends which does afford me a little time to myself. On the same hand I feel myself resenting him for it a little bit. He is home just like I am all day and I am the one who for the most part takes cares of all of Olivia's needs. Get her up in the morning, change all her diapers, feeds her, bathes her, reads all the stories gets her ready and in bed etc. It's not like he is working or incapable of helping so how come he doesn't help me? I am the one who cleans the house, does the laundry, does the dishes, I admit he does most of the cooking, but how come he can't clean once in a while, do the laundry, dishes etc? Especially now when I feel like I am losing my mind from having to be with both him and Olivia ALL DAY LONG!!!!! Especially now that I'm getting to that exhausted uncomfortable pregnant phase and it's only going to get more uncomfortable from here?

How come I can't just leave the house whenever I want and leave him with Olivia? When he wants to go do something with his friends I NEVER STOP HIM, HE IS NOT TIED TO OLIVIA THE WAY I SEEM TO BE. He always says that I never have anything to do anyway and I like being home...which is true in some ways. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like a break to go to my Mom's house without having to take Olivia, to go to a movie with Allison or even alone, to wander around Target or something without a crazy demanding three year old trying to get out of the cart or screaming because I won't buy her every toy she sees. Hell even have him go somewhere and take Olivia with him so I can be alone in the house. He tells me "Oh you can go do things but you have to let me know so we can plan for it". Why do we have to "plan" for you who is not working and has nothing to do all day to watch YOUR child once in a while? It's either that or "well how come we can't all go do something, or just the two of us?" Well because number one I spend all day with both of you and I need to get away from you before I smother you both in your sleep and number two we don't have people who want to or are even really available to babysit Olivia so we could go out...not to mention he ALWAYS makes me be the one to ask his sister to babysit, he never does. I used to live in the same town as my "at the time young nephews" and I know it's not fair to assume that just because I am their Aunt and I do adore them that I want to babysit at any given free moment. I don't assume it's different for any of Mitch's sisters who have been around to babysit. I don't assume that they just want to babysit...I mean really who does? It doesn't mean that I didn't babysit, it doesn't mean that his sisters will turn me down...but I don't want to feel like I expect them to want to do it, expect them to say "Okay, what time". I mean come on Mitch, you don't even want to babysit, why would they want to?

I'm just tired and venting and complaining. But I honestly feel like I am in over my head the last couple of days and I am not so naive to think once this new baby arrives it will be better. I know Olivia is going to have a hard time with not being the center of the universe anymore. I mean even beyond just our little three person family, she really has been star of the show the last 3 years. She was the only grandchild close to my parents and not to mention the first and only girl for a while and more intensely she was the first grandchild, granddaughter, only niece/nephew around for the Benveniste side. She has been spoiled by both sides but the amount of attention paid to her by Mitch's parents/siblings/aunts and uncles etc is rather unbelievable. She is about to have three babies to contend with and I know it will be a hard transition. She adores Mitch's oldest brother "Unky Mikey" and I would say the feeling was rather mutual, he always showered her with attention and little gifts whenever he saw her. He is about to be a Daddy, really any day now. And as sad as it is to admit once you become a parent yourself...nieces and nephews just aren't as central to your life as they were before you had your own kids. I mean how to I say this without sounding completely terrible...Robbie, Kamren, David they all happened before Olivia. While I love Abraham, Liam and Vivianne...I feel much more connected to those first three, it was long before I was worn out by my own kid and didn't have as much energy to shower the next three with attention. I tell you especially Robbie, that kid has my heart. However he is now at that weird, gangly, voice changing, too cool for school, not a little boy but not a teenager yet either age. That age where I don't even know if I am allowed to hug him anymore...but I know for certain I'm not allowed to kiss him or embarrass him in front of his friends, lol. Anyways off the subject there for sure, but yeah Olivia is not only getting a baby brother in the next couple of months but 2 more cousins that all live close by and I am sad for her. I mean I love that there will be cousins but I am sad because I know her little life will change and I don't think she is ready or prepared for that change.

So long story short...I'm whining, I'm tired, I'm a baby, I'm complaining, I'm 7 months and some change pregnant, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST I AM LOSING MY EFFING MIND AROUND HERE!!!!!!!

SOS!!!!!!

I just want to go to a movie or something for Heaven's sake...is that really so much to ask?