Sometimes I feel like I am not cut out to be a mother. I am fairly certain this is probably a widespread fleeting notion among many stay at home moms and probably even more so for pregnant stay at home moms. In other words, I know I love my child and I know I am a good mom but these days, urghhhhh I would like to run away. I only have one child and I know many people who have or who have had way more children to contend with while being pregnant, I guess the past week or two I just feel like I am not handling it very well. I feel so impatient, so easily annoyed, so outraged by the blatant defiance that seems to be Olivia's most prominent characteristic these days. As you probably know Mitch has been out of work since mid April. What you probably don't know is that his job so kindly also decided to lay him off 2 days after his open heart surgery so at this point there is no job to return to when he is 100% cleared for work by the doctor. So while we knew we would be living off any savings we had and disability while he was in recovery...we didn't expect for him to be layed off.
Mitch being home 24-7 has been an adjustment for all three of us. Mitch isn't one for sitting around the house so his initial first couple of weeks after surgery were rough because he really couldn't do much. I'd say after a month or so after the surgery he was pretty good about being able to do things for himself around the house and by 6 weeks he was cleared to drive himself around which was a godsend to me because he is literally the most annoying obnoxious critical back seat driver known to man. But it has been hard to feel like the routine between Olivia and I has been totally out of whack. Not that I was ever so disciplined or regimented that the routine was completely strict or constant...I guess just the routine of it being me and her and just having to deal with one another. Doing our little errands or going places I know she likes to go, just the two of us. With Mitch being home she has never been more crazy, more out of control, more defiant, more mean than she has been since she has had to contend with 2 parents at home with her all day, everyday. Mitchell tends to want to control her, he tends to want things to be done a certain way and in a certain manner and so while I have always been kinda relaxed when it came to monitoring Olivia throughout the day. Mitch is literally smotheringly "all over her". He doesn't know when to back off. To leave her alone if she wants to be alone, to stop teasing her when she asks, to just let her run off and be mad when she's mad. She does not do well with this at all, which I know is contributing to her ever increasing bratty behavior. He has always been this way, however she is not used to dealing with it all day long, she was used to him being home in the evening and night and weekends and things felt pretty balanced that way.
I am also not used to him being home all the time. I would never classify myself as a very social person. I mean yes I do enjoy social situations from time to time but I am probably very much a loner in a lot of ways. I need alone time, I like alone time, I rarely feel bad about the fact that I don't have many friends because I have never been someone who needed that. I like having one or two good friends that I can get together with when the mood strikes and that has always been rather sufficient for me. I mean there have been times in my life where I had a lot of friends, where I was constantly going out or surrounded by people, but it's never been something I needed. These days I probably really don't have any friends, lol. I was very close with Mitch's sister Ashley who used to live just down the street but she moved away in February which was really sad for me. I do on occasion get together with his other sister Allison who lives really close but for some reason I don't often make an effort to call, which is my fault because I know she would always be open to hang out. But Mitchell being home and not getting my daily dose of "alone in the house to do whatever I want time when Olivia is napping" is NO MORE. I feel like I am losing my mind. Since Mitch has been for the most part better and can drive himself around he does once or twice a week go out and do things with his friends which does afford me a little time to myself. On the same hand I feel myself resenting him for it a little bit. He is home just like I am all day and I am the one who for the most part takes cares of all of Olivia's needs. Get her up in the morning, change all her diapers, feeds her, bathes her, reads all the stories gets her ready and in bed etc. It's not like he is working or incapable of helping so how come he doesn't help me? I am the one who cleans the house, does the laundry, does the dishes, I admit he does most of the cooking, but how come he can't clean once in a while, do the laundry, dishes etc? Especially now when I feel like I am losing my mind from having to be with both him and Olivia ALL DAY LONG!!!!! Especially now that I'm getting to that exhausted uncomfortable pregnant phase and it's only going to get more uncomfortable from here?
How come I can't just leave the house whenever I want and leave him with Olivia? When he wants to go do something with his friends I NEVER STOP HIM, HE IS NOT TIED TO OLIVIA THE WAY I SEEM TO BE. He always says that I never have anything to do anyway and I like being home...which is true in some ways. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like a break to go to my Mom's house without having to take Olivia, to go to a movie with Allison or even alone, to wander around Target or something without a crazy demanding three year old trying to get out of the cart or screaming because I won't buy her every toy she sees. Hell even have him go somewhere and take Olivia with him so I can be alone in the house. He tells me "Oh you can go do things but you have to let me know so we can plan for it". Why do we have to "plan" for you who is not working and has nothing to do all day to watch YOUR child once in a while? It's either that or "well how come we can't all go do something, or just the two of us?" Well because number one I spend all day with both of you and I need to get away from you before I smother you both in your sleep and number two we don't have people who want to or are even really available to babysit Olivia so we could go out...not to mention he ALWAYS makes me be the one to ask his sister to babysit, he never does. I used to live in the same town as my "at the time young nephews" and I know it's not fair to assume that just because I am their Aunt and I do adore them that I want to babysit at any given free moment. I don't assume it's different for any of Mitch's sisters who have been around to babysit. I don't assume that they just want to babysit...I mean really who does? It doesn't mean that I didn't babysit, it doesn't mean that his sisters will turn me down...but I don't want to feel like I expect them to want to do it, expect them to say "Okay, what time". I mean come on Mitch, you don't even want to babysit, why would they want to?
I'm just tired and venting and complaining. But I honestly feel like I am in over my head the last couple of days and I am not so naive to think once this new baby arrives it will be better. I know Olivia is going to have a hard time with not being the center of the universe anymore. I mean even beyond just our little three person family, she really has been star of the show the last 3 years. She was the only grandchild close to my parents and not to mention the first and only girl for a while and more intensely she was the first grandchild, granddaughter, only niece/nephew around for the Benveniste side. She has been spoiled by both sides but the amount of attention paid to her by Mitch's parents/siblings/aunts and uncles etc is rather unbelievable. She is about to have three babies to contend with and I know it will be a hard transition. She adores Mitch's oldest brother "Unky Mikey" and I would say the feeling was rather mutual, he always showered her with attention and little gifts whenever he saw her. He is about to be a Daddy, really any day now. And as sad as it is to admit once you become a parent yourself...nieces and nephews just aren't as central to your life as they were before you had your own kids. I mean how to I say this without sounding completely terrible...Robbie, Kamren, David they all happened before Olivia. While I love Abraham, Liam and Vivianne...I feel much more connected to those first three, it was long before I was worn out by my own kid and didn't have as much energy to shower the next three with attention. I tell you especially Robbie, that kid has my heart. However he is now at that weird, gangly, voice changing, too cool for school, not a little boy but not a teenager yet either age. That age where I don't even know if I am allowed to hug him anymore...but I know for certain I'm not allowed to kiss him or embarrass him in front of his friends, lol. Anyways off the subject there for sure, but yeah Olivia is not only getting a baby brother in the next couple of months but 2 more cousins that all live close by and I am sad for her. I mean I love that there will be cousins but I am sad because I know her little life will change and I don't think she is ready or prepared for that change.
So long story short...I'm whining, I'm tired, I'm a baby, I'm complaining, I'm 7 months and some change pregnant, AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST I AM LOSING MY EFFING MIND AROUND HERE!!!!!!!
SOS!!!!!!
I just want to go to a movie or something for Heaven's sake...is that really so much to ask?
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