That my baby is getting too old! On her 1 year old birthday my weekly babycenter update email was titled; "Your 12 month old toddler". You see from conception you can subscribe to these updates. They tell you what is happening with the growth and development of your fetus and then once the baby is born. They are usually titled "Your (insert months here) old Baby". So I knew there was no turning back once the "baby" turned to "toddler". (And imagine a dramatic cry of NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! here)
So a month ago today miss Squids turned one year old. The whole month before I found myself in a very bad mood most days. Planning a birthday party did not help...it seemed with every new detail I got more and more stressed out and irritable. Why you ask? I think it was my subconscious passive aggressive way of being very very sad about this growing up milestone. Where did the time go? How was she crawling, walking, talking, communicating her thoughts and needs to me? Where did my squishy little mound of newborn baby flesh go...how did that slip away in what seemed like a most sudden way?
Being a new mother is soooo not fair...as in new mother, never had a baby before. No one tells you to stop, to breathe, to slow down and see what is happening in this little constantly evolving being. And because you have never had a baby before you don't know to do it. Those first 3-5 months are just about adjusting, surviving, finding the energy you never knew you had to just put one foot in front of the other, to blink, to inhale and exhale... even in pure exhaustion. For the first time in your life you really can't be selfish...not even in the slightest sense of the word. Going to the bathroom or taking a shower feels like your only moments of free time. I remember when my little sister first came home to visit after having her little Liam. There was a night where she was mentally just spent. She had tried to put the baby to bed for what probably seemed like an eternity and in that rare "he's quiet, he's still, is he asleep", she put him down. Moments later I heard the shower going and not too soon after I heard the unmistakable cries of a frantic newborn. Her husband was out on the couch....
"Liam is crying", I say.
"Oh I think Katie is in there with him", he replies.
"Nah, she is in the shower".
"Oh, Okay", he says quietly and heads towards the bedroom.
And I smiled. I sooooo remember waiting for the calm before the storm type quiet in Olivia. Knowing she is not really asleep but momentarily checked out...so I better book it and get in that shower before she realizes I tricked her into quietness for a few moments. That way once she realizes she has been duped Mitch will have to get her...cause I need a moment to myself, I need a shower...even if I already had a shower, even if I already had three! And it is things like this that define new motherhood.
I know I spent alot of times admiring her sleeping face. I know I spent countless hours nursing her while gazing into her gently dozing off eyes, holding her petite hand, amazed that this little thing exists because of me. I know I kissed every inch of her small body and marveled at the perfectness and completeness of its tiny size. I know I appreciated her being a newborn, I know I did. But what stands out most clearly in mind is the exhaustion...physical and probably more significant mental. Because becoming a mother really is a metamorphosis. Once that change starts everything changes and you just aren't "you" the way you were before. And until you become a mother that will never make as much perfect sense as it does once you have a child of your own.
Being a new mother is soooo not fair...as in new mother, never had a baby before. No one tells you to stop, to breathe, to slow down and see what is happening in this little constantly evolving being. And because you have never had a baby before you don't know to do it. Those first 3-5 months are just about adjusting, surviving, finding the energy you never knew you had to just put one foot in front of the other, to blink, to inhale and exhale... even in pure exhaustion. For the first time in your life you really can't be selfish...not even in the slightest sense of the word. Going to the bathroom or taking a shower feels like your only moments of free time. I remember when my little sister first came home to visit after having her little Liam. There was a night where she was mentally just spent. She had tried to put the baby to bed for what probably seemed like an eternity and in that rare "he's quiet, he's still, is he asleep", she put him down. Moments later I heard the shower going and not too soon after I heard the unmistakable cries of a frantic newborn. Her husband was out on the couch....
"Liam is crying", I say.
"Oh I think Katie is in there with him", he replies.
"Nah, she is in the shower".
"Oh, Okay", he says quietly and heads towards the bedroom.
And I smiled. I sooooo remember waiting for the calm before the storm type quiet in Olivia. Knowing she is not really asleep but momentarily checked out...so I better book it and get in that shower before she realizes I tricked her into quietness for a few moments. That way once she realizes she has been duped Mitch will have to get her...cause I need a moment to myself, I need a shower...even if I already had a shower, even if I already had three! And it is things like this that define new motherhood.
I know I spent alot of times admiring her sleeping face. I know I spent countless hours nursing her while gazing into her gently dozing off eyes, holding her petite hand, amazed that this little thing exists because of me. I know I kissed every inch of her small body and marveled at the perfectness and completeness of its tiny size. I know I appreciated her being a newborn, I know I did. But what stands out most clearly in mind is the exhaustion...physical and probably more significant mental. Because becoming a mother really is a metamorphosis. Once that change starts everything changes and you just aren't "you" the way you were before. And until you become a mother that will never make as much perfect sense as it does once you have a child of your own.
"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new"
I guess I realize now that no matter how much time you spent admiring that little thing as a newborn...it will never be enough time...it will always seem too short of a time...you will always look back and wish you had spent more time with patience as you rocked the fussy baby to sleep. I know I spent many times rocking her to sleep with so many feelings of desperation,
"Oh my gosh, OH MY GOSH....she is never going to go to sleep, my child IS JUST NEVER going to go to sleep. She is trying to make me lose my mind....and it's working".
I think at times a new mother is completely justified in believing that that baby just might be some sort of diabolical genius...constantly scheming on how he or she can drive her mother to the brink of insanity. Completely ridiculous to think that a newborn knows exactly the extent of the frustration she is causing...but I will tell you from experience that it seems like it at times.
Now that time is gone. She now puts herself to sleep and her cries of protest are much shorter and don't bother me the way they did as a new mother. And there is so much more calm and peace in me as a mother...but I miss those first few months now. I long to hold her and not have her try to squirm free. I feel the sense of tears coming on when I try to remember the exact sound of her newborn cry, a cross between a duck and a kitten. I feel a dull ache in my heart to know that I will never breastfeed her again...maybe other babies but never my Olivia. So much so that I still have my Boppy right next to my bed, even when I stopped nursing at 9 months. I just cannot believe how fast she has grown into a little person. How everyday she moves farther and farther away from her babyhood and into her childhood.
And it makes me sad.
And it makes me happy.
And it makes me grateful.
And it makes me regretful.
And it makes me....
Well I guess it makes me a mother.
So true, a person can tell you to stop and enjoy, but you don't listen, and you don't know how fast the time will go. I try to enjoy every minute with them all, even though they are bigger, time still passes too fast!
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