I'm scared...will you do it?

The title of this blog could pretty much sum up most experiences in my life. I am naturally a very nervous person, afraid of most things and new experiences. But this particular phrase applies to a certain early mother experience. It was like the 3rd or 4th day home from the hospital and Mitchell's mom (who we lived with at the time) asked me

"have you given Olivia a bath yet"...
"no, I thought I would wait until her bellybutton stump falls off" I said.
"well you know you can't give her a real bath yet, but you can give her a quick sponge bath".
"yeah maybe we should wait until Mitch gets home from work".


The truth was I was terrified of giving her bath, even a sponge bath. She was so small and I was so afraid of somehow unintentionally hurting her. Not to mention the fact that she hated being naked when she was so new and would scream bloody murder when I just changed her diaper. I also felt like it made me less of a competent mother to admit this especially to Sue who has had 7 babies...I guess I didn't want to let on that I really had no idea what I was doing. Looking back I remember hoping/praying that I would have some time all alone in the house to do things like bathe Olivia because I didn't want the ever present watchful eyes.

It's funny to remember how I isolated myself to avoid feeling like people were then deciding if I was doing a good job or not. Oh the baby blues...they are great! I remember once on a particularly stressful night for Olivia Mitch's mom suggested that maybe we should supplement with formula, maybe she isn't getting enough and she's just so hungry. OHHHHHHHHHHH I was so mad! I was soooo mad, even more mad when Mitch conceded it wouldn't hurt to give her a bottle. I said nothing, probably mumbling something about "oh yeah...maybe" before disappearing to my room where the post partum voices were screaming;


"oh what I am such a terrible mother that I an starving my child....what me and my boobs are not doing a good enough job of nourishing my baby, they think I am terrible because I am just letting her go hungry. I'm sure her boobs always made enough milk to feed her babies".

Oh it's funny now to remember how furious I was at such a simple suggestion. But you know all those left over pregnant hormones swirling around, added to the fact that I was not getting enough sleep, not to mention being a new mother automatically causes a mixture of feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. We ended up not supplementing with formula until she was almost three months old. Same story she was acting crazy for some inexplicable reason and once again the suggestion of formula came up...I raised the white flag and surrendered. I was completely convinced she was turn her nose up at the chalky lumpy concoction preferring me and my sweet smelling watery milk. No such luck...she sucked it down and while most of it ended up on her instead of in her, one bottle of formula a night seemed to be the ticket to a longer stretch of sleep for me.

Anyway back to the story at hand...the bath. I managed to convince Sue that Mitch would want to be there for her first bath, so we should wait and that seemed like a believable excuse. Those of you who know Mitchell will also know that he is a self appointed expert on all things, yes you read that right...all things. Don't forget that I said "Self-appointed". I remember being afraid that I would be totally annoyed with him during childbirth, afraid he would be telling me that I was doing it wrong or suggest a different way that in his mind would work more effectively. That is my Mitchell, "a regular original know it all". It is rather annoying, however I really believe he honestly thinks he knows how to do everything better...so how can you fault a guy for such conviction. LOL! Well he didn't act that way during childbirth thankfully and spent most of the time being told by the nurses "You look pale, are you okay? Maybe you should sit down". Point being in all of this character analysis is that I knew Mitchell would take over at bath-time and I wouldn't have to do much but follow orders.

Here we are undressing her, notice the look of un-ease in my face

Oh she is angry

So mad she poops

Me trying to follow instruction to clean it up...look at the intense look on Mitch's face. LOL

I don't remember what he said but I am sure it went something like "Emily OMG OMG, hurry clean her up, OMG you should wipe the other way"

(She is so tiny here!!!!! sadface)

All done and still pissed

Oh that first "sponge bath" was a disaster. I guess I didn't take into account how nerve rattling it can be to have to do the most mundane tasks with a screaming frantic newborn. Mitch took over alright but the stress of the baby definitely carried over to both Mitchell and I. And to make matters worse...she pooped, even more craziness ensued to clean her up after that! So after that fiasco I was certainly not eager to do it again and even more leery of having an audience. And a few days later Sue suggested another bath. Her stump had still not fallen off but I could see Sue's point in washing her...newborn babies don't really get dirty per say but they tend to look sweaty and those with hair, greasy. And that is when I said it

"I'm scared...will you do it, I could just watch".

And she did and I did. And Olivia didn't seem to notice or care that Sue had done this a thousand times before with all of her own seven newborn babies... she was just as angry. Which I must admit gave me a little piece of mind that it wasn't me, this is what babies do....alot.

And I miss this. And I wonder if it will be like this if I have other babies, or I will just be at more ease with the next one.

And by "this" I mean new motherhood. I miss feeling nervous and fumbly and wondering if I am doing everything right. Not that I am any expert now by any means...I just have found my groove as far a motherhood goes.

I still freak out occasionally and wonder if I am doing things right, however I know how to relax (most times) as a mother...I know how to deal with Olivia...I recognize how to do things to make everyday life the easiest on me and my baby...oh excuse me babycenter...my toddler. Those first couple of weeks and months feel like a blur, like surviving a whirlwind of emotions, life changes and adjustments. And I miss feeling nervous and excited and happy and crazy...

However with Olivia around and mobile there is never a shortage of craziness!