Im pretty sure most everyone knows...

At least everyone who be upset to hear the news on a blog and not in person, knows by now. So I'm just going to explain what's going on. I have written before about Mitchell and his heart. He was born with a heart defect. A right septal defect and pulmonary stenosis. He had surgery to repair his heart at 5 months old. First of all....5 MONTHS OLD!!!!!!! I cannot even imagine having to give my baby over to someone to have heart surgery, that is just a terrifying nightmare to imagine what his parents must have been feeling way back in 1981. He doesn't obviously remember the surgery but he has the scars to prove it. He has a scar that runs the length of his his entire chest almost to his belly button, he also has scars on his thighs where the IV must have been.

His heart has been pretty normal for his condition for the past 30 years, I don't think it has limited him too much in things he is capable of doing and what not. But maybe for past year and a half he has been saying that his heart felt weird or was beating strange or he has gotten out of breath doing things he normally could do no problem. He had seen a few doctors here and there and everyone always told him the same things. Basically yes your heart is acting a little funny but due to your condition it is not out of the ordinary for you to experience these episodes. So from there when Mitch would experience these weird symptoms or feel completely exhausted he was looking for what could possibly be going on if it was not his heart, according to doctors, what was the problem.

Here is where things get a little hairy. At the peak of all his "self-diagnosis" I was working quite a bit and he was home with Olivia most of the time. Since the doctors could never really pinpoint anything that was wrong and he did have a few blood and urine tests to test for other problems, I was of the opinion that he was probably tired from watching Olivia. He has never really had to watch her for more than maybe an hour and certainly not everyday. SHE IS EXHAUSTING. Also he was out of work and I also figured he was probably a bit bored and stressed out and that can make you pretty tired as well. So when I would come home from work to a tornado mess in the house and Olivia was still awake a lot of nights, not bathed and not in jammies and Mitch would have found some possible ailment on the Internet...it was irritating. This became a pretty frequent scene in the house and it was super stressful. I was working alot and not making a whole lot of money to even make it worth it...Mitch really didn't do a whole lot at home but make messes and semi-supervise the chaos of Olivia...he did cook but it seemed more of a hassle to me because he never cleans up after himself and he is a messy cook. So I would come home to a mess, Olivia starved for attention and up way past her bedtime and Mitch on WebMD telling me he must have this or that or maybe even this blah, blah. I was not very supportive of all these problems he discovered on the Internet...I figured that if the doctors said he was fine...he was probably fine. He was angry at me for not believing him and I was angry with him for spending all his time looking up symptoms online when no one had told him of any actual problem.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago. He finally found a doctor who listened and referred him to a specialist. Apparently the heart has all kinds of specialists and Mitch needed a specialist who dealt with adults with congenital heart problems who had had surgery as an infant or child. And finally Mitchell got his vindication. Not something you probably want to be right about but Mitch is pretty happy when he gets to say "I told you so".

So the problem I guess is that when they did the surgery in infancy they had to do a fair amount of damage to one of his valves just because they are so small that there really isn't a way around it. Mitch's parents were told that it was likely he would have to have something done again in the future...probably around the age of 30... well guess who's been 30 since May.So his valve is constricted and not allowing the proper amount of blood through and therefore not supplying enough oxygen to the rest of his body. Which explains why he feels tired and explains why Mitch is kinda known to be a frequent napper. I guess it just is something that has been happening gradually for a while and is now at the point since he has all the symptoms that he needs to have something done. So what's to be done? OPEN HEART SURGERY to replace the faulty valve.

The doctors of course are very reassuring that it's a totally routine thing and it happens all the time and Mitch is a great candidate because he's young, healthy, doesn't smoke, doesn't really drink...etc. But the idea of having your ribcage sawed open and your heart being touched...well that is not comforting...not to mention I have watched way too much Grey's Anatomy to believe any surgery is routine. I feel stupid and lame to be convinced by a TV drama of the variety of problems with heart surgeries...ummmm hello remember the whole Izzy and Denny fiasco...well he had a heart transplant but come on...that was tragic!!!!! I am so scared...Mitch is so freaked out...all the family rotates between "it'll be fine and OMG my baby, my brother, my mitchy".

Mitch also has not let me forget that I didn't initially believe anything was wrong with him. To me, to my defense, I never doubted that maybe his heart was acting strangely...but those other doctors said his heart was different and would be strange sometimes and that was normal. I did however roll my eyes at all the possible Internet illnesses he thought he might have...kidney failure, UTI's, bladder infections, lyme disease, valley fever, diabetes, etc. I guess maybe in retrospect it made sense he would try to find alternative explanations to why he felt so crappy since all the doctors before insisted his heart was fine. And I admit I was not supportive of all these ailments and maybe since it was his heart all along I can see why all the mania makes sense.

I do feel badly. I guess in my head I felt like I have to take care of Olivia and most of the time I take care of her alone...I don't have time to invest in crazy hypochondria when it doesn't seem to get you anywhere except negative test results. I instinctively trust doctors...my dad is a doctor. So no, in my head if a doctor says you are okay I'm not going to doubt his diagnosis. I guess this has taught me to be more realistic than idealistic when it comes to authority figures...because to me a doctor is an authority figure. It is after all called "Practicing Medicine", a doctor is just a highly educated guesser I suppose.

So I am scared for Mitchell, I'm scared for myself. I am most frightened for my child. What this means for her life. If everything goes according to plan it probably doesn't mean a whole lot other than the fact that I will most likely have to work for a while and she will be with a babysitter or daycare more than me...which is heartbreaking to me...she is so attached to me. But if something were to go wrong. I don't want that to be her life. I don't want her to never know her father, because she would not remember him at this point in the future. A little girl needs a Daddy and Mitchell is her Daddy. And she is her father's daughter...she is exactly like him in almost all aspects. She needs him to be okay, I need him to be okay. I mean Mitch and I are not always known for our ability to get along but I love him with everything in me...even when he makes me so mad, even when his ADHD is in overdrive and I feel like my head is going to explode if he doesn't leave me alone...we have been together for so long, I don't want anyone else in my life. We are both so stubborn and bullheaded...who else would put up with us? No...he has to be okay, he's going to be just fine and we will get through this and it will be okay.

So anyways that's what I have been stressed out about...angry about...sad about...overwhelmed about...in denial about...worried about. And I am a worrier, so this is like torture.

Oh and Mitch is due to have the surgery sometime in January depending on the results on more testing...which is of course not cheap since he has like the crappiest insurance ever!!!!! Maybe we should move to Canada?

And the self pity continues....

Simon and Garfunkel are so good. They really really are like excellently good at lyrics. This song combines the right amount of sadness, wallow and anger that is exactly how I am feeling....



A winter's day
in a deep and dark Decemeber;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Drowning...

So I can't really get into why exactly I feel like I am drowning...it's not my news to blast on the Internet...but I am feeling depressed with a capital "D" the past 2 weeks or so. I am trying to rise above it...not think about it...ignore it...without much success. I have never been very good at handling stressful situations especially if there is a place to just bury my head in the sand or covers and just try to zone out until the whole thing passes. Unfortunately there is nowhere to run or hide this time. It doesn't take a lot to overwhelm me and then I just live in a world of denial and panic most of the time.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I really feel incapable of dealing with stress. I feel like I was probably sheltered from a lot of real life stresses as a kid and young adult and now when something happens that is hard to deal with I literally feel like I can't keep it together. Which is funny because I don't think a lot of people outside my family would recognize this in me...I'm pretty good at maintaining a brave face even in the midst of internal disaster. That is unless I know and trust you and then I just feel free to completely self-destruct in front of you. But it is usually in a negative way where you are more prone to be really angry at me than feel sorry for me. But my siblings were raised by the same parents and I don't feel like they are so crippled with dealing with problems...maybe it's just part of my personality...idk? I'm also not very good at letting people be there for me...I generally don't like to be touched so that can be a problem when someone's first instinct is to embrace someone who is sad. Sometimes when I am all alone and just feel overwhelmed by sadness or just cry and I think how nice it would be to just cry big sobbing heaves in my mother's arms...but I never do, I just can't for some reason. I have not done anything of the sort in a long long time.

So in short...I have some major stress coming my way in the next couple of months but it's not just happening to me it's happening to Mitch and Olivia and well...everyone I suppose. I feel alone but I don't know how to let anyone be there for me about it. I feel like I can't breathe. It's a fleeting thing that comes and goes and most of the time I am fine and other times I feel like I just want to crawl into a closet and cry. I also keep finding myself when I wake up in the morning curled into the fetal position...so that is weird, lol. I miss my siblings...for some reason I really really miss my brother. I think the last time I remember really falling apart in front of my family was when I went away to college and I was so homesick I felt like I could die. My brother happened to be in town and I remember just crying on his shoulder...it felt good. My big brother is usually a pretty silent supporter but I think that is the kind of support I respond best to...and now matter how old I get he still feels like my big brother. No matter how old any of us get I guess to me our birth order doesn't change in my mind. Little sister will always be little sister no matter how old she gets. And I am of course the middle child...so I guess that means I always gets the be the crazy one...Hooray, I don't know how much more crazy I can handle....

so anyways....not looking for a pity party just needing to get it out...

People are strange

So there is this thing in Citrus Heights they do like 4 times a year. It's basically throw all your crap you don't want/need/use/what have you out at the end of the driveway and the city will come and haul it away. I grew up in Roseville...we never had anything like this...still don't as far as I can tell. It seems pretty convenient...seems like the city may be in some ways encouraging it's citizens to not end up on an episode of Hoarders. Although here is the problem. I'm sure you are familiar with the old saying "One man's trash is another's man's treasure". Well I'm sure you can see where this is going. People start throwing their crap out there a few days before and then all of a sudden all these weirdos come out of the woodwork to look through all the crap for some sort of unknown and hidden treasures. Either that or they are are drug addicts looking for some sort of metals they can cash in somewhere for money. I mean who in their right mind does this? Obviously the drug addicts aren't in their right mind do we can just write that off as making some sort of sense. But what of these crews of families that drive around in what look like converted lawn mowing trucks snatching up all this junk. I mean you could be behind them and they will throw the car in reverse to back up to some sort of promising looking pile of junk. And they give you these looks that you are seriously inconveniencing them by being behind them in your car. Some people...I mean really!????

I remember when we first moved here they had one of these days and we threw an old washing machine and tool chest out there among other things and not even 20 minutes later the crap was gone...a full 12 hours before the garbage people came. I remember thinking how weird someone happened to drive by who wanted these things...I had no idea that people...like do this...all the time.

Moving on...this will probably make me sound horrible but there is this homeless guy that is always at the corner of the parking lot at Walmart with his sign about needing money and anything helps and God bless and what not. It is always the same guy and he looks about my age and he looks like he is probably some sort of tweaker and he is also a liar. I drove by him once...mind you he is always there...and I offered him a soda and you know what he said "well do you have any cash, I'd rather have the cash". No I don't. Why do you say anything helps is what I am thinking...and fine I'll keep my soda I wanted it anyway. The more I drive by him...the more he annoys me...the more I want to scream out of the window..."Get a job". I mean you are sitting out here at Walmart all day everyday...why don't you go apply for a job. I have worked at Walmart and believe me they will hire just about anybody. I mean you are just standing out there you could probably go push some carts. Does this make me sound really awful? I mean obviously I don't know the guy maybe he is really incapable of working...but honestly I am just really sick of looking at his face everytime I leave the Walmart parking lot.

I mean don't get me wrong I have given homeless people money before...I feel like I am charitable. I once gave this teenage girl outside of a different Walmart $20 because she was crying about how she got kicked out of her house and guys kept offering her money for sexual favors. Granted I had just had a baby and a daughter no less and the idea of her being someone's child and daughter just terrified out on the street was more for my post partum emotions to bear. What if that was Olivia one day? Mitch said that would never be Olivia and was pissed at me, convinced she was probably lying...maybe she was...but it felt like it was the right thing to do. And after I handed her the money she burst into tears and threw her arms around me basically melting into me. If she was lying she could have won the academy award. For some reason this Walmart guy just doesn't evoke alot of sympathy in me. Probably because he refused my gesture and because I am sick of seeing his face!!!!

So anyways that's all for people being strange today...hopefully this post doesn't make me seem like ungrateful selfish a-hole.