Drowning...

So I can't really get into why exactly I feel like I am drowning...it's not my news to blast on the Internet...but I am feeling depressed with a capital "D" the past 2 weeks or so. I am trying to rise above it...not think about it...ignore it...without much success. I have never been very good at handling stressful situations especially if there is a place to just bury my head in the sand or covers and just try to zone out until the whole thing passes. Unfortunately there is nowhere to run or hide this time. It doesn't take a lot to overwhelm me and then I just live in a world of denial and panic most of the time.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I really feel incapable of dealing with stress. I feel like I was probably sheltered from a lot of real life stresses as a kid and young adult and now when something happens that is hard to deal with I literally feel like I can't keep it together. Which is funny because I don't think a lot of people outside my family would recognize this in me...I'm pretty good at maintaining a brave face even in the midst of internal disaster. That is unless I know and trust you and then I just feel free to completely self-destruct in front of you. But it is usually in a negative way where you are more prone to be really angry at me than feel sorry for me. But my siblings were raised by the same parents and I don't feel like they are so crippled with dealing with problems...maybe it's just part of my personality...idk? I'm also not very good at letting people be there for me...I generally don't like to be touched so that can be a problem when someone's first instinct is to embrace someone who is sad. Sometimes when I am all alone and just feel overwhelmed by sadness or just cry and I think how nice it would be to just cry big sobbing heaves in my mother's arms...but I never do, I just can't for some reason. I have not done anything of the sort in a long long time.

So in short...I have some major stress coming my way in the next couple of months but it's not just happening to me it's happening to Mitch and Olivia and well...everyone I suppose. I feel alone but I don't know how to let anyone be there for me about it. I feel like I can't breathe. It's a fleeting thing that comes and goes and most of the time I am fine and other times I feel like I just want to crawl into a closet and cry. I also keep finding myself when I wake up in the morning curled into the fetal position...so that is weird, lol. I miss my siblings...for some reason I really really miss my brother. I think the last time I remember really falling apart in front of my family was when I went away to college and I was so homesick I felt like I could die. My brother happened to be in town and I remember just crying on his shoulder...it felt good. My big brother is usually a pretty silent supporter but I think that is the kind of support I respond best to...and now matter how old I get he still feels like my big brother. No matter how old any of us get I guess to me our birth order doesn't change in my mind. Little sister will always be little sister no matter how old she gets. And I am of course the middle child...so I guess that means I always gets the be the crazy one...Hooray, I don't know how much more crazy I can handle....

so anyways....not looking for a pity party just needing to get it out...