I am losing my mind

I am at my mother's house and Olivia needs a nap. So I fed her and she fell asleep and surprise, surprise the moment I lay her down she opens her eyes and starts to cry. It seems like you have to be a ninja with crazy cat like reflexes to shift the baby from your arms to her bed without her waking up.

You know those dolls that when you lay them back they close their eyes...Olivia is like the opposite while holding her she's got her eyes closed and then when you lay her back "ping" eyes wide open and then the crying starts. I don't understand....I really must be an idiot because the concept of being exhausted and not just closing your eyes and going to sleep just doesn't make sense to me.

So mother thinks I need to let her cry it out...learn that when she is laid down she needs to nap or go to bed...that no one is going to come so might as well take that nap. This seems like a simple enough concept....but it's so hard to do.

I CAN'T DO IT! I JUST CAN'T...SHE IS CRYING NOW, HAS BEEN FOR LIKE 15 MINUTES AND I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING MY MIND.

I feel so mad! I mean part of me feels sorry for her but more than anything I feel irritated that she just can't get the simple concept of shutting her eyes and shutting her mouth and going to sleep.

Urghhh I just want to kill her or something! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OLIVIA SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!

Everyone who has given me this advice about crying it out says it takes time but it will work...I don't have any faith that it will.

I mean honestly I feel like she could cry for weeks, months, years like this!

These people who give this advice don't know who they are dealing with....She is stubborn as a mule! She is a dictator! She just might be Hitler or Mussolini incarnate! She is sweet for sure but try to make her nap or go to bed and she becomes Rosemary's baby.

I don't know what to do! Everyone has an opinion and I don't know whose is the one I should take or whose is the one that will work. And of course anytime she is around anyone she doesn't see that often she acts like a perfect angel so I look like the mean mom complaining about it! Oh believe me she can be "NO ANGEL" when the mood strikes!

Mitch thinks it's cruel to let her cry but he is hardly around enough to be bothered much by her crying.

Mitch's Mom thinks feeding her into a food coma is the solution.

Mitch's sisters always offer to walk her around to put her to sleep and I usually feel desperate and annoyed enough to just say "whatever...do what you want".

My mother, my sister in law and my cousins say let her cry it out and be consistent and she'll learn to soothe herself.

Olivia seems to think she never needs to sleep. And she also thinks she's the boss...which well she is I guess.

Okay next if this crying it out thing is this the solution there seems to be so many issues with it.

Bedtime is usually not the problem, it's naps. So if I put her down and let her cry and she cries for an hour and then falls asleep for 15 minutes does that count as her nap? Do I get her up when she is still clearly exhausted and miserable because she did technically doze off in pure exhaustion for 15 minutes? Or do I continue to let her cry till she falls back asleep again?

Then if I am supposed to get her up after falling asleep for those 15 minutes how am I supposed to deal with her bad attitude because she clearly did not sleep long enough?

This just seems so problematic. I can't deal with it. Everyone says it takes a week and then she'll learn but seriously what a week! I might have to commit suicide during this week or infant-cide.

Urghhhhhh and not to mention she moves around and rolls over and then I worry she's gonna suffocate herself by rolling onto her stomach and being unable to breathe she'll die!

And I'll be asking for one major "I told you so" from Mitch if this crying it out thing does lead to her early demise!

And I HATE I TOLD YOU SO(S).

So in the meantime I am losing my mind !!!!

The Aftermath...

So the past couple of days I seem to have noticed my post-partum body more than ever. Now it really could be much much worse but it really is an odd feeling when you come to terms with the fact that your body will most likely never be the same again.

That doesn't even mean necessarily worse than before but definitely different. I mean I really need to get serious about improving my body physically before I can say "different but not worse". And it doesn't even just refer to aesthetics. My body generally just feels weaker in some places and also aches in places it never did prior to being pregnant, birthing a baby and hauling her 13 plus pounds around day to day.

Anyways I try to avoid mirrors that go below my neck and definitely avoid them while naked...I don't want to feel too depressed. But lately I have stolen a few glances and that compounded by the hair loss that doesn't seem to ease up...urgh I just feel like a shadow of my former self. My hair feels thinner but really doesn't look much different. But I honestly don't know how I can have any left on my head when it literally just sloughs away in clumps especially in the shower!

I would be the last person to say this...but being pregnant felt less alienating when it came to how I feel about my body. I mean that belly was filled with something significant...not ice cream...and it was tight and solid not this weird gumby squishy thing I have now. Plus you don't really feel cute while preggers but looking back at pictures there is just this odd detachment that happens and you find yourself thinking "aww look at that pregnant lady...wait it's me". Also seeing that bump and now knowing exactly every little detail of the little inhabitant...it makes me look even more lovingly at it...as not being fat but carrying and cradling my little Livvy Divey Doodle within me.

Knowing what that belly would become in a few months makes me feel like I could have carried her like that forever...I love her so much more now. I mean yeah I loved her then...but I didn't really know her. Plus not to mention she was much quieter and than! Ha! Easier in than out it what everyone said and boy....were they right! Don't get me wrong I love my baby with all that is in me but motherhood, even just these first 20 weeks, is SOOOOOOO much harder than I imagined it would be.

Then all this "reflection" of pregnancy made me really miss being pregnant. The world is generally a nicer place when you're pregnant. Probably even nicer when the old ladies notice a wedding ring accompanying the belly but that....well that's a whole other issue. But at any rate the world seems to love a pregnant lady much more than a frazzled new mother in sweats and a ponytail desperately trying to contain a screaming infant in the check-out line at the local WalMart.

I don't know...my mother has basically declared to me that if I ever have another child out of wedlock she just might disown me. But who knows if I'll ever get married and the thought that I'll never be pregnant again is truly depressing. I want more babies someday...sometime. I guess I can see the logic of not bringing more kids into a somewhat unstable family dynamic but I don't see why I have to give up siblings for Olivia for it. Urghhh I can't talk about it anymore.

It'll be fine...I'll have it again...I hope

I mean how could I deny the world of more offspring that look like this?

Baby let's "cruz" away...from here

That title is an ode to the Huey Lewis song which I believe is probably him covering another person's song...and I don't know who that other person is...

Also an ode to Olivia's first road trip...to Santa Cruz... get it "cruz" away....

Awww well yes aren't I clever...anyways Miss Baby is in the middle of a full on baby meltdown so here is just a preview of events until I have some time...which is never!

La Nina, Mi Nina, Bonita Nina

The baby, my baby, pretty baby.



So Miss Baby finds the Spanish language completely hilarious. Some of this I am wondering if she remembers hearing early on in the womb when I lived in Santa Barbara. Full of Spanish speakers and of course we can't forget The Canary hotel break-room. Stereotype or not all the kitchen help and also housekeeping staff spoke Spanish...few understood both English and Spanish but the breakroom was always full of Spanish chatter. Whether that be the housekeepers gossiping or the Spanish soap operas always on the TV. "El Diablos Guapos" being the "opera" of choice..."The Handsome Devils" for those of you that aren't familiar with Spanish.




So anyways the other day I decided to ramble off my vague recollection of Spanish to miss baby. You see I took 4 years of Spanish in high school and one year in college but I must say I am VERY rusty. I understand it much better than I can speak it. In fact if someone is speaking rather slowly I could tell you what they are saying...just don't ask me to talk back...yikes. But back to the story...I started to name body parts off to Olivia while dressing her after a bath. And she started to giggle like crazy. She has only giggled like this a few times before so of course I had to keep it up to hear that melodic noise...it feels like Disneyland and Chocolate to hear her laugh! Right then and there I decided that I was going to talk to her in my elementary Spanish everyday and Mitchell vaguely understands and speaks French so we are going to have a tri-lingual on our hands....ENGLISH, SPANISH and FRENCH.



Everyday after her bath we will go over her body parts in all three languages. And at the very least I'll get to hear her angelic laugh

Survey says

Well Miss Baby Olivia Marie went to the doctor last week for her 4 month check-up and also got her shots...

Weight 13 pounds

Height 26 1/2 inches

She is one pound away from doubling her birth weight and has grow 7 and 1/2 inches since birth...she is crazy tall! In the 97th percentile in height and normal in weight and head size!

The doctor as always asked me if I had any questions...I had a few about naps and bedtimes but the question I really wanted to ask but didn't.



Is is inappropriate to make out with your own baby? Cause I just kiss her to death about 50 times a day. I love to kiss her little face and mouth and tummy and toes....she's so lovely.

How can you not kiss this face?

Where in the world...is Emily Larsen?

Have you seen this girl?

Cause...

I have not
in quite some time...

and I miss her

"In the immortal words of the Beatles...."Get back, get back, get back to where you once belonged."

So yeah...I have felt more like a "Mom" these days than anything or anyone else. Come to think of it I have felt pretty "out of myself" since becoming pregnant so in other words I have not felt like "Emily" in over a year.

I need reminding that I used to have a fashion sense (well my own anyways), I used to do my hair, I used to wear makeup, I used to genuinely enjoy being me.

These days...not so much.

I guess with having a baby it has finally dawned on me that I probably don't really need to be shopping in the juniors section anymore.

Which is troubling because I mean what choice do you really have...it's like teenager or grandma when it comes to most options...at least affordable options.

I don't know. I feel like I need to re-invent myself. Which in some aspects I sorta have...I mean I cut my hair and dyed it dark...but I have done that before so maybe....I don't know maybe that doesn't count.

I want to be a grown-up...but where does a grown-up shop? Here is what I have decided about clothes these days.

No more tanks tops...not a modesty thing just more of a "I hate my arms kinda thing".

No more busy patterns or designs on shirts...uckkkk blah...I just want to be simple.

No more stupid band or logo t-shirts.

I have a thousand pairs of jeans so I WILL LOSE WEIGHT in order to wear them comfortably because I am not buying a larger size in jeans.

I just might have to wear exclusively skirts this summer cause jeans are tight and hot and I would not be caught dead in shorts.

Now of course the tank top thing might be tough because it's hot as hell outside and I have like a million tank tops....we'll see.

Also I am going to start to wear my jewelry again. I miss it and it used to be very much a part of my identity. Rings and necklaces...all that "hippy shit" as Mitchell would say.

However I have noticed that necklaces and babies do not mix all that well...she like to pull on them...ehhh oh well.

I put on a necklace the other day just around the house and oddly enough it made me feel happy to feel myself slowly remembering who I used to be.

Oh it's going be good to feel good about myself again. To venture out beyond the world of yoga stretchy pants and ponytails.

The bra issue is still a major pain in the ass. I swear there is just no comfortable nursing bras out there...Then again I just realized the other day that my boobs are probably not a B cup but in fact a C cup and that probably could have something to do with my unsuccessful quest in finding a comfortable "over the shoulder bolder holder"....Did I mention how much I hate having boobs?

cause.....

I EFFING HATE HAVING BIGGER BOOBS!!!!!

Who is this chick I see in the mirror these days? I mean besides this little chick's mama

Oh it'll happen...I'll "get back to where I once belonged"...

Cause even the smallest task of putting on my old hippy jewelry made me feel like it was all coming back to me...

Here I am today....ehhh I am trying people okay?

She's not like a regular baby, she's a "cool" baby.

Are you familar with this word?

"Hipster"

If not I found some definitions in the "urban dictionary". I combined all the ones I found the most comical and accurate.

Definition:
Hipster- \hip-stur\n. One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool. Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as "complicated." (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Definitely cooler than you. Complains. Always denies being a hipster. Hates the word. Probably living off parents money - and spends a great deal of it to look like they don't have any. Has a closet full of clothing but usually wears same three things OVER AND OVER (most likely very tight black pants, scarf, and ironic tee-shirt). Claims to be in a band. Rehearsals consist of choosing outfits for next show. Always on the list. Majors or majored in art, writing, or queer studies. Name-drops. Someone who thinks that they are being "special" and "unique" for liking some underground crap no one else cares about.

Aunt Ashley...a sometimes "cool not lame" hipster put her little hat on baby Liv and she was transformed...instantly she was way cooler than me...Instant attitude

Here is hipster baby

We then took the hat off and she was back to sweet Livvy Divey Do

Maybe not...


After the hat she may never be the same...

You are like Mary Poppins

Dear Miss Baby-

I love you. You are my favorite person. This morning I glance over at you as you sleep and feel so lucky to have you in my life. I obviously had a hand in you ending up here...living and existing and what not. But... I feel as though you just decided I needed a friend and showed up all on your own. I wish you could stay little forever. With growing up comes all the inevitable hang-ups, pain and issues of life. I mean clearly there is good and bad in everyone's life. But today I look over at you and you seem to be this blank little canvas, perfect as you are right now. Unblemished and unspoiled by the harsh realities and lessons of adulthood and life. Made happy by just my company and a returned smile. I just don't want you to ever have to feel any pain, heartache or disappointment.



I think about the 9 months you spent inside me. It's so strange to me now to think that I knew nothing about you then. How that whole time you were exactly who you are now and I just couldn't see you or hold you or talk to you yet. It makes me smile to think of you all curled up inside me every bit as tenacious, crazy and funny as you are now. I picture the way your little lip turns down and quivers when you are really mad or upset and how even while living inside me you probably had your little baby fits. Maybe when I ate something you didn't like or woke you up by scratching my belly or poked you back a little too hard to try and get your foot out of my rib. I imagine you have always been this stubborn and that seems so funny to me.



You have such a strong will. You are also physically really strong. The other day while Nana held you and tried to get you to sit down only to discover that those little iron legs of yours won't budge she made a comment that really stuck with me. She said " you are so strong little girl. Are you so strong and tough because your going have to be that way in this life". You see I have never really been very tough emotionally and mentally. I break down and fall apart pretty easily, something I am trying to really work on now that I have you to look after as well as myself. But I hope you are brave and tough and level-headed. If your physical strength is any indication of that, then you certainly will not have a hard time getting anything you want in life. You are my little lady and I love you so much.





Sometimes as little girls grow up the mother - daughter relationship can get a little strained...I promise to try my best to never let that happen with us. I promise to always listen to you and guide you without being overbearing or overprotective. I promise to try to always understand you and when I don't I promise to try even harder to understand. I hope I can always express to you how I would like you to do things in a way that you will do them because you want to not because you feel like you have to. I promise to be understanding that sometimes you will just do the things you want regardless of how I feel. I promise not to take it personally. I would hope that you would never make any mistakes but I know you will. I promise to always try and help you through those mistakes instead of making you feel guilty or bad about them. I want you to feel like you can tell me anything and I hope you do.



I don't ever want our relationship to change. I love you my daughter, my friend, my soul mate. I promise to be the best mother I can be...I promise to love you more than my life.



Love,
Mom

Do you know what that sound is? Those are the shrieking eels!

"If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder when they're about to feed on human flesh"



So Miss Baby (that is the name she was called while still in utereo and I miss calling her that) has seemed to discover she has a voice these days. She is soooooo loud. She squeals and screeches and screams...it's amazing how loud this child can be. How can something so small make such a loud noise?



Today while I was in the shower Miss Baby was hanging out with none other than her most favorite live-in Auntie Ashley and I could hear some sort of screaming match going on in the next room...while the shower was going mind you! That is loud if I can hear it through shower noise!

I came out to discover them taking turns shrieking and then laughing at one another. They are pretty funny those two. When Miss Baby gets really worked up she shrieks and screams but lately it's been pretty often. It's pretty funny truth be told.

Later when out to dinner Olivia was all ampted up and excited! She was smiling and laughing and then came the shrieking. What was all the fuss about? Well not only was she getting positive reinforcement by everyone laughing at her but we were also at a Turkish restaurant that was very brightly decorated. I would imagine for a baby all these colors and lights was enough to want to throw a parade and sing out praise for the beauty of it all.



One particular light directly over our table seemed to tickle her fancy.



I only wish her shrieking wasn't so ear piercingly loud...I experienced my first public..."Oh geez I hope by baby isn't irritating anyone".



But she's a baby! And a darn cute one so they all are just going have to put up with it and smile!

Oh man gag-barf-boom!

So I have been sick the past couple of days...hmmm since what thursday? Headache, stomach-ache, barfing, dizzyness...all that.

I think I am dehydrated and have had a migraine for like 4 days...

Anyways today I decided to finally leave the house and try to eat something and as Mitch and I left the restaurant with a fussy Livia I noticed she had shot poo all over her clothes, all over the herself and all over her car-seat...I mean it was everywhere!

So we came home for the second bath of the day and thank goodness all that stuff comes off the carseat so it can be washed...it was nast-teeeeeeeeeeee

And I still feel sick.

But at any rate I think the blog is due for some new Livia pics so here we are the other day in her pint size baby pool.

A gypsy baby charmer?

This post is AKA "Ode to Ashley"

I am so happy that Mitchell's sister Ashley now lives in town again...and not only in town again but in the same house...and not only in the same house but three doors down!

Ashley and I have always gotten along very well...I think it's because we are both "poor misunderstood middle children". Ashley loves my baby, as she should...I mean she is her first ever niece and also the cutest baby ever. And she constantly says that she is the cutest baby ever which makes me love her even more!

In turn Olivia loves her auntie Ashley. Not that she loves her other aunties any less...she just seems to have a certain affinity for Ashley.

Ashley claims to be a baby charmer and this proves, at least in Olivia's case, to be true. When the little angel has spent the better part of the day as a little devil it is usually in Ashley's willing arms where she will calm down and drift off to sleepy-town. Hey whatever works right?

A list of why I love you!

You have this pic on your myspace with the caption "don't tell emily...mine!"

You were the first person I told I was pregnant.

You are constantly making me laugh

Olivia loves you.

You love Olivia.

You are always trying unsuccessfully to get me to take a walk with you.

You having been reading the same book for like 4 years.

You wear crazy gypsy earrings.

You always share your frostys.

You always text message me.

You are loud and crazy and then say "I forgot the baby was sleeping"
You hide behind and underneath things in your room when you are mad or upset.

You have crazy only make sense to you tattoos.

You wear really short shorts and when I mention it you hike them up even higher!

You are awesome.

You are beautiful.

You are a great artist.

You always agree with me when I say Mitch is a jerk

You are my friend
You would do anything for your friends and especially your family!

Don't ever change and it's nice to know that even if circumstances change...you will always be my sister and you will always be my friend.