And I can't fight this feeling anymore

I forgotten what I started fighting for
it's time to bring this ship into the shore
and throw away the oars forever
baby I can't fight this feeling anymore...

thank-you REO Speedwagon
thank-you freshman year at Ricks College
thank-you quirky hill-billy like roommate Janae for having monster ballads of the eighties

How else could I sing you this entire song and many many more off that "order by television only" compact disc.

I am afraid I relate these songs lyrics in a purpose that was not intended. No romantic feelings of unrequited love

I am saying that I can't fight off this feeling of sadness lately. Things have been stressful with Mitchell and I. And it's hard to keep pretending that it's going fine.

He hates his job and resents the fact that he isn't making the money a college degree is supposed to provide to him. What he believes he is entitled to after going to school for so long. He in turn escapes into weird fantasies about packing it all up in a van and traveling the country...like "Into the Wild" style...I am not kidding. He's been scouring the Internet looking for this perfect Volkswagen Westfalia camper van.

"I'm gonna be a hippie, this is just who I am. You always made yourself out to be a hippy, aren't you down"

First of all since when do skate-boarding, hip/hop listening, Internet loving boys get mistaken for hippies? In fact Mitchell has made fun of hippies A-LOT!

Secondly, this is what goes through my mind when I hear this. Liking the music of a certain generation, reading books about that generation, wearing bohemian type clothing (well not so much anymore), liking gaudy amber and turquoise jewelry, not particularly caring about what kind of car I drive...does not make me a hippie

Is it hippie or hippy anyway?
See I am pretty sure an actual hippie would know the proper spelling.

Yes I like Bob Dylan and Janis Joplin.
Yes I enjoy biographies and memoirs about the 60'S.
Yes I prefer the more bootleg/bell bottomish jean as opposed to the skinny jeans.
Yes I have many many pieces of amber and turquoise jewelry.
Yes I would rather drive my beaten down car than buy a new one.

NO I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A CROSS-COUNTRY TRAVELING VOLKSWAGEN BUS OR VAN OR CAMPER. NO I DON'T CARE HOW GREAT THE STOVE WORKS.

Trips I can do...Life no way!

He thinks this is gonna be great for Olivia...to see the country, the world...etc.

I for one know after reading all these "hippy" books that the kids of hippies did not turn out to be all that well-adjusted...that and she's a baby...what the hell does a baby new to see the country for?

I am losing my mind.

Mitchell gets obsessed with things every once and a while, gets these things in his head for a while and then after time it fades and dwindles. But I don't know if it's I believe he's actually serious or that I am now a mother and have to think of more than just myself...but I am very freaked out by all of this.

Then it's well "this is who I am, this is what I want and if you don't feel the same or want the same things than maybe this isn't going to work out".

You are probably thinking well if that's the way he truly feels than yeah maybe you should call it quits...maybe you aren't compatible and why would you want it to work out.

But I love him.

We have had so many ups and downs and this having a baby has not made these problems any easier...just harder.

I just want what's best for my baby. And I feel like she needs us both. She needs us to be a family together not apart.

It breaks my heart that he doesn't think of her above any frustration he is having with his own life.

This is not Mitchell.

He has always been crazy, always a loose cannon and hard to handle...but he has always been good and kindhearted.

He has slipped into Never-Never Land, he has become a Lost Boy...he just feels the need to run away apparently.

I don't know what's going on with him and I don't know how to help him. And I am pretty sure he wouldn't take my help if I even knew what to do.

I have just spent the past month or so feeling sad. Not understanding what's happening to him and how he can't seem to think of Olivia above all things.

I just want the old Mitch back.

That and I wish I could just not care the way he does...because it hurts to feel hurt all the time.