This time last year I was nearly 6 months pregnant. This time last year baby Olivia was just plain "miss baby". This time last year my internal baby was getting really good at making her presence known. This time last year I had just moved back to Northern California from Santa Barbara. This time last year I had just moved in with the Benvenistes. This time last year I was still in shock that I was even pregnant. This time last year the belly was resembling a baby as opposed to just too many snacks. This time last year I couldn't understand or appreciate how completely my life would change. This time last year I felt more irritated and annoyed with my "developing" body as opposed to thoughtful about what it was developing and evolving for. This time last year heartburn was my constant companion. This time last year sleep was becoming harder and harder to achieve. This time last year I had to finally buy maternity clothes. This time last year I spent more time in the bathroom than out of the bathroom. This time last year I slept on an air mattress on the floor because my bed was too uncomfortable and Mitch was too hot to sleep next to.......So many things were different this time last year.
This year I find myself missing my baby so much at times it feels like my womb aches. Obviously my baby is here, she is present in my life 24-7... but I miss her in a way that only a fellow mother can appreciate and understand. It hurts my heart to know that I will never carry Olivia inside of me ever again, I will never give birth to her again. I may be pregnant again, I may birth other babies, but never Olivia again. It hurts my heart to know how scared I was almost constantly while pregnant...how reluctant I felt about this journey my body was taking...I didn't plan on becoming pregnant at this time in my life and it made the experience very stressful at times. I cried a alot. I cried in the shower where no one could hear me or see me. I remained rather ambivalent towards my family and steadily mellow towards Mitchell's family. My family not exactly sure of what was happening and how they should feel about it. Mitchell's family just excited to have a new baby in the family. Mitch and I were both scared...but I was the one pregnant so I was more scared.
I look at my baby now. Nearing nine months old and she is so perfect, beautiful, amazing and smart. She is my entire world. I cannot imagine my life without her in it. My mom says she would be my daughter whether she got here now or later...which translates to she would be my daughter if I had waited to be married before becoming pregnant, If had I married Mitchell or someone else, she would be the same and she would be mine. I don't know if I believe that or not. Maybe she just couldn't wait to get here and saw the perfect window of opportunity that fateful night. I think about the precious few pregnant moments, usually a quiet morning waking up to her swimming around inside me and understanding through all the turmoil that she was my baby, she was mine and she was on her way. I always loved her, from the moment I heard her whooshing little heartbeat...but I was very very scared.
I think about how fearful I spent the majority of my pregnancy and my heart breaks. I feel so guilty that I didn't spend more time feeling happy, feeling excited, feeling completely enamored with the little life inside me. I think about how independent Olivia can be and I feel like maybe it's because I didn't connect to her enough while she was inside me. She isn't a real cuddler unless she is extremely tired and I feel like it's my fault. I just think back to being pregnant and I hate that I didn't appreciate every second of that unique and special time. I just carry this extreme guilt about how unknowing I spent those first 9 months together. I don't know how it could have been different considering the circumstances, but if I could turn back the hands of time...I would have enjoyed every second of being pregnant. I got to carry and grow this incredible little lady who has changed me in so many profound ways.
Miss baby...I love you more than anything. You were meant for me and me alone. I thought I wasn't ready for you, but you knew better. Thank-you for letting me be your mama, thank-you for loving me and laughing and smiling for me. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank-you for being born. Thank-you for making me a mother...I love you baby!
That was very sweet, Em. Don't feel guilty about your feelings during pregnancy. You are a surge of hormones during ANY pregnancy, there's no magic way to make yourself happy about it all the time. I felt the same kind of guilt with Elliot because he was a surprise, but the point is you love your baby now and you're a wonderful mother. And the snuggle thing, nothing at all to do with any anxiety you felt while pregnant. It's just the baby. She's like you! Independent, stubborn and adorable.
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