You're breaking my heart!!!

Today as I was unpacking the last of my things from my trip to Idaho I came across a picture my nephew Robbie colored for Olivia the first day we were there. He drew the letters of her name all bubbly and then outlined her names in rainbow colors. It made me feel choked up to see that. Not that I don't love all my nephews and now my niece equally but there is something about Robbie that twists my heart all up inside. I LOVE THAT KID!!!! Maybe because he was the first, maybe because I spent a lot of time with him when he was a baby and a little boy...maybe there is just something about his tender little heart that speaks to my heart, I don't know.

When Robbie was born I was eighteen years old. I was living in Rexburg Idaho and going to school at Ricks College (BYU-I nowadays). Eric and Rochelle lived in Boise Idaho which if I recall is about 5 hours away. I remember the weekend he was to be blessed at church. I remember I drove to Boise with Rochelle's parents who also live in Rexburg. I remember that when we arrived no one was home and so we had to wait. When Eric and Rochelle arrived they saw a dark haired girl sitting on the grass with Creed (chelle's lil bro) and I think I remember them telling me they were wondering who on earth that was and where was Emily? Well that was me...that was the first time I ever dyed my hair a drastically different shade than my normal blonde. After some laughing and "it looks cute" we came inside and sat down. Rochelle handed me a little bundle of a baby and the first thing I thought was "I am looking at a newborn version of my brother". I can't remember whether my sister was there yet but I know once she arrived we spent most of the time fighting over who got to hold the baby. Growing up there was never any shortage of newborn babies around at church but it's different when it's your own family...when you don't have to feel weird about asking to hold the baby...AGAIN! I think it was the first time I really held a baby that young. And I loved it, I loved him. I was an Aunt and it was the coolest feeling.

I think Robbie and his younger brother Kamren were pretty lucky to have Katie and I as aunts. Not that their other Aunts or Uncles weren't just as great, but it's different to have a young unmarried, childless aunt or uncle. You devote so much time to them and they are like your babies too because you don't have any of your own. Olivia is lucky enough to have this now in all of Mitch's sisters. It's like all of a sudden you have someone to buy things for when you go out of town...someone who is instantly on your mind when you see a cute toy or outfit or kids movie. When I was at my brother's house last week I was looking at pictures from Robbie's 1st birthday. I bought him this robotic dog thing that was like $60. I don't know what I was thinking, ha ha. I'm sure it was long since broken by the time he would have been old enough to play with it. I remember taking Robbie everywhere. He was also such a good baby...I hardly remember him ever crying or being fussy. He was my little guy and so sweet. I remember him as a toddler and how he would randomly stroke my cheek and then give me a kiss...I'm sure this would be embarrassing for him to hear now, lol. Then Kamren was born and then more babies were born, and Katie got married and I had a baby and then Katie had a baby and now another baby.

Along the way something snuck up on all of us. Robbie got older, taller, "cooler". While I was up there visiting I didn't see Robbie as much as the other boys because he was busy with Middle School and football and piano lessons and clarinet practicing. But all the while it was becoming evident to me that he was getting so big. I mean he had been getting big for a while but I never looked at him and saw in his face the teenager he would become, the man he would become. I remember the last night we were in town going out to dinner and looking at him across the table and for the first time noticing that he didn't look like a little boy anymore...and it was heartbreaking. It's not something that happened on purpose or anything he was trying to do...it just snuck up on me.

I had been taking for granted that he would always be my Robbie, always be my "baby bob" and all of a sudden he didn't look like my baby anymore. It made me a little sad that my life had changed and Katie's life had changed and there were now a gaggle of grandchildren and Robbie wasn't the center of all of our universes anymore. Because for a while before Kamren came along he really was one spoiled little guy...like Olivia is on the Benveniste side and like how she was for a while for being the only girl on our side. Now Robbie is the oldest...oldest brother, oldest boy, oldest cousin. Here he was drawing pictures for my daughter, holding her hand while they played in the lake, trying to entertain her at the dinner table...he isn't a little guy anymore. I'm glad that Olivia gets to have him as her oldest cousin, since she doesn't have a big brother she at least as 4 older boy cousins to look out for her!

And Robbie...you can just stay 11 from here on out...shaving, dating, driving!!!! This is just not something I am willing to accept yet!!!! Stay little-ish!