I'm scared...will you do it?

The title of this blog could pretty much sum up most experiences in my life. I am naturally a very nervous person, afraid of most things and new experiences. But this particular phrase applies to a certain early mother experience. It was like the 3rd or 4th day home from the hospital and Mitchell's mom (who we lived with at the time) asked me

"have you given Olivia a bath yet"...
"no, I thought I would wait until her bellybutton stump falls off" I said.
"well you know you can't give her a real bath yet, but you can give her a quick sponge bath".
"yeah maybe we should wait until Mitch gets home from work".


The truth was I was terrified of giving her bath, even a sponge bath. She was so small and I was so afraid of somehow unintentionally hurting her. Not to mention the fact that she hated being naked when she was so new and would scream bloody murder when I just changed her diaper. I also felt like it made me less of a competent mother to admit this especially to Sue who has had 7 babies...I guess I didn't want to let on that I really had no idea what I was doing. Looking back I remember hoping/praying that I would have some time all alone in the house to do things like bathe Olivia because I didn't want the ever present watchful eyes.

It's funny to remember how I isolated myself to avoid feeling like people were then deciding if I was doing a good job or not. Oh the baby blues...they are great! I remember once on a particularly stressful night for Olivia Mitch's mom suggested that maybe we should supplement with formula, maybe she isn't getting enough and she's just so hungry. OHHHHHHHHHHH I was so mad! I was soooo mad, even more mad when Mitch conceded it wouldn't hurt to give her a bottle. I said nothing, probably mumbling something about "oh yeah...maybe" before disappearing to my room where the post partum voices were screaming;


"oh what I am such a terrible mother that I an starving my child....what me and my boobs are not doing a good enough job of nourishing my baby, they think I am terrible because I am just letting her go hungry. I'm sure her boobs always made enough milk to feed her babies".

Oh it's funny now to remember how furious I was at such a simple suggestion. But you know all those left over pregnant hormones swirling around, added to the fact that I was not getting enough sleep, not to mention being a new mother automatically causes a mixture of feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. We ended up not supplementing with formula until she was almost three months old. Same story she was acting crazy for some inexplicable reason and once again the suggestion of formula came up...I raised the white flag and surrendered. I was completely convinced she was turn her nose up at the chalky lumpy concoction preferring me and my sweet smelling watery milk. No such luck...she sucked it down and while most of it ended up on her instead of in her, one bottle of formula a night seemed to be the ticket to a longer stretch of sleep for me.

Anyway back to the story at hand...the bath. I managed to convince Sue that Mitch would want to be there for her first bath, so we should wait and that seemed like a believable excuse. Those of you who know Mitchell will also know that he is a self appointed expert on all things, yes you read that right...all things. Don't forget that I said "Self-appointed". I remember being afraid that I would be totally annoyed with him during childbirth, afraid he would be telling me that I was doing it wrong or suggest a different way that in his mind would work more effectively. That is my Mitchell, "a regular original know it all". It is rather annoying, however I really believe he honestly thinks he knows how to do everything better...so how can you fault a guy for such conviction. LOL! Well he didn't act that way during childbirth thankfully and spent most of the time being told by the nurses "You look pale, are you okay? Maybe you should sit down". Point being in all of this character analysis is that I knew Mitchell would take over at bath-time and I wouldn't have to do much but follow orders.

Here we are undressing her, notice the look of un-ease in my face

Oh she is angry

So mad she poops

Me trying to follow instruction to clean it up...look at the intense look on Mitch's face. LOL

I don't remember what he said but I am sure it went something like "Emily OMG OMG, hurry clean her up, OMG you should wipe the other way"

(She is so tiny here!!!!! sadface)

All done and still pissed

Oh that first "sponge bath" was a disaster. I guess I didn't take into account how nerve rattling it can be to have to do the most mundane tasks with a screaming frantic newborn. Mitch took over alright but the stress of the baby definitely carried over to both Mitchell and I. And to make matters worse...she pooped, even more craziness ensued to clean her up after that! So after that fiasco I was certainly not eager to do it again and even more leery of having an audience. And a few days later Sue suggested another bath. Her stump had still not fallen off but I could see Sue's point in washing her...newborn babies don't really get dirty per say but they tend to look sweaty and those with hair, greasy. And that is when I said it

"I'm scared...will you do it, I could just watch".

And she did and I did. And Olivia didn't seem to notice or care that Sue had done this a thousand times before with all of her own seven newborn babies... she was just as angry. Which I must admit gave me a little piece of mind that it wasn't me, this is what babies do....alot.

And I miss this. And I wonder if it will be like this if I have other babies, or I will just be at more ease with the next one.

And by "this" I mean new motherhood. I miss feeling nervous and fumbly and wondering if I am doing everything right. Not that I am any expert now by any means...I just have found my groove as far a motherhood goes.

I still freak out occasionally and wonder if I am doing things right, however I know how to relax (most times) as a mother...I know how to deal with Olivia...I recognize how to do things to make everyday life the easiest on me and my baby...oh excuse me babycenter...my toddler. Those first couple of weeks and months feel like a blur, like surviving a whirlwind of emotions, life changes and adjustments. And I miss feeling nervous and excited and happy and crazy...

However with Olivia around and mobile there is never a shortage of craziness!

So I realize....

That most of my posts have to do with motherhood...which who would have ever guessed would be such an endless well of inspiration? But it's my blog and motherhood is what occupies pretty much all of my time. Which I am sure to those of you who read my blog who find yourself childless are thinking "Oh another post about Olivia, or another rambling about trying to find yourself after having a baby, or more reflections on newborness....


But it's my blog...and it seems to be hard to think of other things other than this little whirling dervish that cyclones around me all day long. She is such a hurricane of activity and emotions these days. It's like living with someone who is bi-polar and constantly PMS-ing. She has definite opinions already and since she is limited with not being able to tell me always what's wrong or what she wants....frustration ensues, she for sure has a little temper. There are way to many family members on both sides this could have been inherited from...the girl didn't stand a chance! This does not mean she doesn't try to communicate...she is talking her own little baby language 24-7...my baby is never quiet...she even blurts things out and babbles in her sleep. My baby development emails tell me that between 12 and 14 months babies start to dream very actively, this seems to be an understatement with miss Liv. Being unfortunate enough to have to share a room with her I know very well how much she thrashes around and yells out in her sleep....ALL....NIGHT.....LONG!!!!! And she does say some words; mommy, daddy, nana, boppa (grandpa), baby, puppy, hi, bye, wawa (water), gabby (yo gabba gabba), no, what's that, up, bathy. She is such a funny girl. Happy and beaming one moment and tragically upset about something the next...like I said bi-polar and PMS!



She just seems so active. I rationalize that most babies probably are this way at this age. Rationalize because the thought of her inheriting her father's ADHD seems way too exhausting...I can only handle one hyperactive person at a time thanks! But she is taking full advantage of the new found independence in walking without stumbling...she seems to almost run everywhere she goes. She can be at times wobbly but that doesn't cause her to slow down to steady herself she just powers through. She was this way with crawling as well. Sometimes her little legs and knees would be moving way too fast for her hands to keep up with and she would inadvertently take a nose dive into the floor. But she is busy, busy, busy and the child doesn't have a cautious or fearful bone in her body. Mitch's mom always says "oh Mitchell was the same way at her age", which causes me to cringe to think about living with these two crazies for life!


She told me a story about Mitchell when he was about 4 years old. He was supposed to be taking a nap when Sue got a phone call from the next door neighbor. "ummm your son is sitting on the roof and your daughter looks like she is headed out there are well"... Mitchell had somehow figured out how to take the screen off his upstairs bedroom window and was making a break for it...Ashley tailing him from behind! Ashely would have been 2. She said she almost had a heart attack when she ran upstairs to see Mitch just chilling on the roof and Ashley with one leg out the window. Of all those Benveniste kids the fact that it was Mitchell and Ashley is just too fitting and funny! Is this what I have to look forward to? After her daring escape from the stroller a few weeks ago, it's become clear that she thinks she's invincible! Besides keeping me constantly on my toes...she is just about the cutest, funniest, most charming, lovely, beautiful, entertaining person I have ever met. And it just goes to show that people are born with personalities all their own...because she is definitely nothing like her mother!


Here is a list of things about Miss baby.


*She loves babies, and by babies I mean baby dolls, she drags them everywhere.

*She calls all kids, even ones way older than her "baby".

*She loves Yo Gabba Gabba and her TooDoo doll Nana found for her
(have you tried to find yo gabba gabba toys....it's impossible!)


*She hates being in a stroller.

*She loves string cheese (I don't love the constipation).

*She has taken to dragging her taggie blankey around everywhere like Linus.

*She loves to play with her Aunties and shrieks whenever she sees Auntie Ash.

*She loves Elmo, calls him "Mo"

*She is a great napper, two naps a day for two hours each.

*She likes to climb on everything and anything but has not figured out how to climb out of her
crib. I don't think the thought has occurred to her.

*She loves baths and has a babydoll in the bath that she washes while I wash her...like mimics
everything I do, it's really cute.

*She knows how to brush her hair and is trying to brush her teeth.

*She is crazy sensitive about her ears being touched...freaks out. This could be from me
traumatizing her by trying to get her earrings out.

*She tickles herself with the tag on her "Stuffy" (stuffed Giraffe that is her fave). She rubs it on
her ears and also her feet.


*She has 5 teeth and is about to have 2 more anytime now!

*Her little teeth are kinda crooked, it's so cute though....probably from the pacifier.They are also
like crazy big! lol!

*She loves soothie pacifiers...I should probably wean her off of them...but it makes me feel like
she is still a little baby with them in her mouth so I can't bear the thought.


*She has a real "Nana" addiction. Nana being my mom...she LOVES Nana probably more then
me.


*When she gets really excited she dances and then breaks out in this funny little march.

*When she wakes up in the morning all I hear is Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...Uppy
Mommy.

*Whoever gets her up from naps she becomes glued to for at least an hour....no one else can hold
her and she cries if they put her down or try to hand her off.

*She loves chip clips. You know those plastic clips you wrap a bag of chips up with so they don't
get stale. She knows which kitchen drawer they are kept in and always has one in hand.

*She loves chocolate chips...who doesn't?

*She loves being naked...tries her best to get away from me after bathtime


*She hates being in the carseat unless it happens to be out of the car...in which case she could
entertain herself for hours getting in and out of it and trying to buckle the straps.


Oh there is probably tons more...but I can't think of anything else...but when I do you know I will be a lame-o talks only about her kid mom and i'll blog about it!