Sweet Sixteen

My baby Olivia turns 16 weeks today. I cannot believe that 16 weeks ago today I was pushing her out of my loins...

I cannot believe she used to just live inside me...it seems so weird because she has such an intense personality...so unlike me...well I think I am pretty easy going anyway.

I have been pretty wound up as of late because of these new sleep issues...oh please help them to go away! I have been praying...yes family I pray...every morning that this will be the day she will settle back down and be on a normal sleep routine. It really has not been the same since Megan graduated from school and is home all day and Ashley moved back in...it makes for noise and I have a highly distractable baby it seems...

Everyday I am a bit perturbed that the powers that be is not acknowledging these often tearful pleas for help...I just feel so desperate these days. I have little patience with her and it just makes me tense and she gets stressed out and nobody is happy...it's very emotional to feel like your baby won't do the things she used to do so well...

urghhhhh well anyways I don't love her any less...I just feel physically and emotionally drained...it will get better I am sure...just don't know when.

So here is a list of her milestones from birth until now

-At two weeks she began to try and hold her head up

-At a month she could hold her head up for long periods of time

-At a month and a half she was sleeping through the nights

-At two months she could also stand upright when held

-At two months she could hold her head upright when laid down on her tummy

-At two and a half months she began to smile back socially

-At almost three months she became very, very vocal...she laughs, squeals, babbles, gurgles, razzes

-At three months she can push up on her arms during tummy time

-At three months she began to reach for things, grab and be able to hold onto them, bring them to her mouth

- At three months while on her tummy she can scoot herself around a little

- At almost 4 months when on her back she is starting to try and sit up...she looks so funny holding her head forward like she's doing little baby crunches

She is a funny baby and completely content to be interacting with people all day long...but she is exhausting because you almost have to constantly entertain her...not so good at entertaining herself or soothing herself that is for sure!

One extreme or another

Is is possible for a almost 4 month old baby to be bi-polar?

I am sure this is a question many mothers have asked themselves....when one minute the baby is happy and the next she is screaming her head off.

I wish they made baby ambien...cause some sleep for Olivia and I would be nice.

She is just at this hyper-aware socially inclined age that makes naps and bedtime her last priority.

<---Here she is trying on her fancy-smancy diva extraordinaire baby bikini with Grandma Sparkle AKA Grandma Sue or Grandma Benveniste

Here is a list of her priorities as I see them;

(Here she is chewing on Ashley's chin...a task neither of them tires of)

1. smiling at everything and everyone

2. meeting and charming as many people as possible

3. kicking and flailing her arms and legs while simultaneously laughing and screeching

4. just screeching, squawking, babbling very loudly in general

5. hanging out with the aunties...screaming if I am trying to get her to sleep for auntie Ashley to get her away from crazy sleep deprived mommy

"The nerve of this woman wanting me to do such boring things as nap and go to bed before midnight"

6. Bathing...as in baths, not showers but baths...not a fan of the shower.

7. Eating and then trying her hardest immediately afterward to fight off the sleep that naturally comes from eating...this includes squirming and whipping her head back and forth almost as soon as she dozes off

8. dozing for like 10 minute catnaps thinking she's refreshed and exuberated

9. mistaking my frustration with her as entertainment and smiling and laughing at me...which in turn either makes me more frustrated or makes me play with her...exactly what she wants

10. Complain and cry...literally kicking and screaming until she gets her way

AND FINALLY

sleep...maybe if there is nothing else to do...no one else to see...nothing left to conquer.

I try to assure myself that is just a phase...she is just enjoying all her new awareness and it makes her super-excited to be social...but I feel like I am losing my grip on reality...

I am just so tired!!!!!!!!

It's just all the wakefulness makes her overtired which leads to this...

(notice the huge booger in her nose)

Here is what she likes to do if I just lay her down to sleep in her crib

Then smiles in her sleep about how she drives me bonkers!

The world's smallest violin

Playing "my heart bleeds for you"

Allow me a moment to feel sorry for myself...

I am feeling down lately. I think because it's summer and the heat makes me really irritable and add to that the fact that since Olivia is almost 4 months old it's really not socially acceptable to wear pj pants all day long anymore...I feel like I have nothing to wear.

All my pre-pregnant clothes fit but i just feel like they don't look right on me anymore.And this I never thought I would ever complain about....being a rather small chested girl for the past 27 years....but....

I HATE HAVING BIGGER BOOBS!

I hate it! They are so big, well big for me and what I was used to before. And especially in this sweltering heat...they just feel sweaty and huge and urghhhh I miss not having to always wear a bra. Not to mention I hate nursing bras! Maybe there are some normal ones out there but these quasi sport bra soft things just feel yucky and tight. I feel like my boobs are squished as opposed to lifted up...what a bra is supposed to do. I have tried other brands and kinds but none seem to feel comfortableI feel so insecure in my own skin...no cute clothes to wear, gross huge boobs, everything feels tight and restricting.....aghhhhhhh!!!!!!

As far as my body is concerned I know it wouldn't take much effort to lose some weight to make the clothes fit the way they used to...but I literally feel like I never have the time...it's stupid!

Then there is my hair....oh man....will I ever be happy with my hair? It seems like an impossible dream....I had it cut shortly after Liv was born and well it was a disaster. Mitch's sister did it and she went to hair school and everything and she does everyone else's hair so well...but mine was uneven and choppy and I HATED IT! Having faith that she could fix it I let her try to even out the layers and well now it's just shorter and worse...then there's the color. Hmmmmffft I think I need a new paragraph to discuss the color...

Well on the insistence of Mitchell and my mother I did not dye my naturally dirty dark blond hair during my pregnancy...well at least not the last three months of it anyways. This resulted in massive roots. So since I am cheap I dyed it myself after she was born and since the bottom was already light it just got lighter while the root area just turned a weird reddish blond....so to wrap it up it's short, uneven and two-toned. Actually three toned because it has grown since that initial dye job 2 months ago so it's like a weird blond Neapolitan ice cream thing...dirty blond, strawberry blond and light blond. I should just dye it dark...what I wanted to do in the first place but thought since the majority of it was already so light it would be easier to just go that route...

Next everyone told me that my hair would fall out after pregnancy. When it didn't happen I figured maybe I just was lucky or something. Well nobody told me that it would happen like 3 and a half months after the birth. I am not going bald by any means because I already have pretty thick hair but there is hair everywhere. I always find it on my shoulder, in my bed, on the floor, all over Olivia's things, usually in Olivia's hands and crevices...in my crevices. It's so annoying that when I run my hands through my hair there is always at least 6-7 strands of hair in between my fingers. Then when I wash it...oh man tons of hair just falls out. I don't care that it's falling out because my volume of hair really doesn't feel any different...i just hate it because it's just gross!

Also I have pretty much stopped wearing make-up...stopped at about 7 months pregnant...who cares right? Well I am beginning to think I should start wearing it again but I feel like a 12 year old not knowing how or what to do with eye shadow or liner or anything anymore.

Somebody call "What Not To Wear" for me...I need help!

That and feel sorry for me because that is the point of all this complaining.

Could somebody remind me of who I used to what and what I used to look like because these days I just feel like a beast!

Stressed out and Overstimulated

These are the phrases that describe both me and Olivia these days...

I am stressed out and she is overstimulated...I guess she is probably stressed out as well.


Which leads me to wonder about the whole nature vs nurture debate. Was she born this little social butterfly or is she the product of her very stimulating environment.




Livia is a good natured baby for the most part. Everyone with the exception of my Mother always comments about how well she behaves. My Mother thinks she's high maintenance and a drama queen...which she certainly can be and usually is when around my Mother for some reason.

But here is the problem. Mitch and I live with his family. Which is great and I love them and Olivia loves them and they are more than willing to help out when I feel in over my head. But here is where the conflict occurs. Tony, Sue, Ashley, Alyssa, Megan, often GG Diana, Mitch, Me Bogie and Zoe.

So many people...so many people to talk to, look at, play with, pick me up when I am crabby or bored. Add to that Bogie and Zoe...the dogs that bark at anything and everything and eachother and are constantly waking her up from naps when the neighbor dog barks, the mailman comes, the wind blows, they see a squirrel, they see a bird, they want a snackey-snack, they want a taste of whatever you're eating, or just for no obvious reason these dogs bark.

Okay next...they are a large family, they are an Italian family, they are passionate people. Passion makes for noise and noise in a rather small house with a bedroom that is directly off of the family room...well you can pretty much hear the entire house in our room. They are lovers of movies in surround sound, music at full volume capacity, they are easily excited, easily angered and any excuse for a party is a good excuse. Noise, noise, noise....chaos usually ensuing somewhere whether it's dogs barking or sisters laughing...never a dull moment. Rarely a quiet one.



So I have been struggling alot with getting her to sleep, especially for naps during the day. Now that one sister is home from college and another is finished with high school. Getting her to sleep at night is pretty challenging as well...this child has an iron will. I guess when you mix Mitchell's ADHD and my stubbornness you get a powerfully willful child. But an awfully cute one that's for sure.



All the baby books say sleep begets sleep and no sleep begets no sleep and we are suffering from the no sleep these days. She just wants to be up all the time. She gets tired and you can see her fighting if off...anything to get to play more, laugh more, interact more with anyone and everyone. I will be trying to get her to wind it down by nursing her in our bedroom and if she hears one of her auntie's voices...especially if it's Ashley she wants nothing to do with eating or sleeping.




I feel crazy at times, literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown almost daily these days. I am tired and worried and stressed out. Entertaining a baby all day is exhausting. I worry that if she isn't resting it's gonna lead to all kinds of development problems...all this compounding to make me very very VERY stressed out. By the end of the day I feel desperate and annoyed and out of patience. I will finally get her sleepy or even asleep and the dogs will bark or the sisters will start laughing or fighting and I just want to kill myself.



So everyone tells me I need to establish a routine with her, get her on a schedule but it's literally impossible the more and more aware she becomes of her very stimulating surroundings!

So here's to hoping for more of this....

Happy Daddy's Day Mitchella

Better late than never right? I know Father's Day was a few days ago but I am just now getting around to uploading pictures. Mitch loves his baby Munch so much. Maybe too much at times the poor child needs some breathing room! Here are some cute daddy and baby pictures

Those two are two peas in a pod. He sure knows how to get her all worked up and crazy! Please everyone pray for me that she and daddy do not end up having the ADHD in common!

What a difference a year makes... part one

Today as I sat serenely on my bed with my baby against my chest nursing I thought I should write down everything about how she got here. With her tiny chubby little hand rested in the space between my breasts peacefully drifting off to sleep I felt so happy. It's funny to think she has been a part of me in one way or another for an entire year now. If I only knew a year ago how calm nursing my baby would make me feel maybe I would not have freaked out so much. Maybe I would have enjoyed my pregnancy more.

Is it weird that I know the day that Olivia was conceived? It was not planned by any means but knowing how safe things usually were and that one time it wasn't...well you can pretty much do the math on that one. Olivia went from that twinkle in my eye to a cell in my belly on June 14, 2008. How do I remember the date so well? I mean yes it's easy to remember a whoops but how do you remember the exact date? Well that's easy it was the night Mitchell graduated from the University of California Santa Barbara. And yes it's very weird to have pictures of us mere hours before a forever life-changing mishap occurred.




She is our little Gaucho Santa Barbara baby. A Gaucho is a South American cowboy (or girl) and also UCSB's mascot. Anyways I remember thinking..."crap, that wasn't the best idea", but honestly I wasn't really worried about it. For quite some time I thought that I would have trouble having kids or getting pregnant so this actually resulting in a baby was the furthest thing in my mind. Then about two weeks later I started to feel like something wasn't quite right. I felt really, really tired and my boobs were so sore. This typically happens before a period but this just felt different. I am not one to keep track of my periods, they come when they come, but I remember thinking back to when the last one took place. I couldn't remember. I knew I wasn't late but wanted to remember to know when I should expect the next one. Hmmmmmm then I remembered a conversation via email with Mitch's sister. I remember being really annoyed that day because of my period starting and I specifically mentioned it in the email. I went and checked the date...June 1st. It wasn't even July yet...don't panic until you have to I thought.

Then on a trip down to Pasadena to visit friends my period started...crappy grumpy mood in toe. At least I thought it was my period...but it was spotty and light and ended in the same day. Okay now I was worried. It was either the 2nd or 3rd of July and while my period is rather regular a few days late was not unheard of. This whole time I had been expressing my concern to Mitchell. "I'm sure you're not pregnant, you're just being paranoid but take a test if it will make you feel better". I then said "well a few more days...give it a few more days and then if nothing happens we'll have to drive out to Goleta to buy one at Kmart because I am not buying one for $20 at the grocery store when they only cost like $5 at Kmart".

A few more days past and still nothing. The fourth of July came and Mitch and I spent it downtown at the end of State Street at Stearns Wharf. Santa Barbara although suffering from hillside fires the past few days was still planning on lighting fireworks over the ocean...it was less than spectacular to say the least. We left feeling miffed and cheated over this whole fireworks situation. It was late and State Street was packed and so we ducked into one of our favorite Thai restaurants to get some food and wait for the crowds to die down before walking home. Oh how I miss Galanga's Thai teas and Princess Chicken! Over our late dinner we decided that just to ease our minds we would go get that preggo test the next day.



We drove out to Goleta...about 15 mins north of Santa Barbara to Kmart. You see there is really no place but the grocery store to shop in Santa Barbara plus Isla Vista is just a hop skip and a jump away from Kmart and it being the college town (where UCSB is located) the food is pretty good and much cheaper. Mitch dropped me off at Kmart while he checked out some dumb computer store next door and I bought the test. We then went to eat at this really good sandwich shop "Javans" in Isla Vista before heading back home to downtown Santa Barbara.


"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God"...came the screams and instantaneous tears from the bathroom.
"what, what's wrong" Mitchell yelled back from the next room.
(upon remembering this now...how could he have asked "what's wrong"...I was taking a pregnancy test...isn't it obvious what happened?)
"Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God" I couldn't even respond with an answer just kept crying and ran into the bedroom. Face down in the pillow with more cries of "Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God".

I was expecting at least the time it took for the test to react to gain some sort of nervous composure. To three minutes later come and check the results. That effer turned into a plus sign as soon as my super impregnated pee hit the stick. I was worried yes, but I had freaked out about this sort of thing before in the past and was relieved when the test was negative...I was expecting to feel like an idiot for being so freaked out. I wasn't expecting to well...be "expecting".


Crying, crying, crying and then some more crying. What am I gonna do...why did this happen...MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL ME! This and flashing forward a few months earlier when I arrogantly smirked my way through my cousin Brandon's shot-gun wedding to his newly knocked up girlfriend. My mother commenting at least he was marrying her...when was I ever going to get married. "I'm not pregnant Mom, I would never be so stupid to let this happen to me"

Karma...irony...fate...call it what you like but here I was in the same sorry state.

"calm down Emily, it'll be okay...we'll figure it out...I don't know... just stop freaking out" was Mitch's response.

A few hours later in a truly delusional state and the only possible conclusion I could draw was that the test must be wrong. It says it takes three minutes for results to appear and these came... like... immediately. I must have done it wrong somehow, right? Well two tests later, purchased for three times the price at the grocery store and well the same thing happened...I was pregnant...apparently. I told no one except my old friend from home via myspace to which her response I find to be even more ridiculous now.

"I bet you're not pregnant...I had a scare just recently and then my period came a few days later...go get a real test at like planned parenthood or something"
"Rhiannon I took three tests and they all came back positive"...was this scare of hers also preceeded by three positive pregnancy tests...I am guessing not.
"well you never know...you should see a doctor to be sure" she said.

I went to planned parenthood anyways, you know just to be sure. And their test was equally scientific as the grocery store variety...all involving urine. I was pregnant. I left the nicest-fanciest Planned Parenthood I was had ever seen and could probably only be found in Santa Barbara with a little slip of paper "proof of pregnancy" and also including my due date March 9, 2009. I went on with my life the following 3 months as though nothing had happened. I had just started my job and still had a few months before my health insurance would kick in and so I waited and besides Mitch's sister Ashley and Rhiannon, Mitch and I told no one.

...To Be Continued...no telling when

14 weeks old

Miss Olivia Marie is 14 weeks old today...where did those three months go? Yes technically she's only three months and one week old...but 14 weeks, go figure. I found a bunch of cute pics from when she was newer...

Miss Drama-rama

Hello my name is Olivia Marie and I am a high maintenance drama queen

(hello Olivia)

I have been drama free for the past 10 minutes...we'll see how long I can maintain my little baby composure.
These bigger folks do a lot of things that frankly, well piss me off to be completely blunt!

Namely you mother dear...that's right you Emily Anne...see I can call you by both your first and middle name when I am irritated with your behavior just like you do to me....
"Olivia Marie"!

I'm only three months old...who would have thought I'd be tired of hearing my own name already!

"Olivia you need to sleep, Olivia calm down, Olivia stop with the dramatics, Olivia you stink....P-U what have you been eating"!

It's exhausting! Yes I have been quite the pill lately and believe me I will continue with this behavior unless you meet my demands. Oh mother don't even go there...you know I can keep this up all day and night if I have to.

1. I will not sleep until I am good and ready...even if it's been hours since my last nap...you will entertain me during these wakeful moments and then deal with me when I become beyond tired and therefore lose my mind and begin to act completely insane.
2. This one is Mother specific...you will make those boobs of yours available to me at all times...even if I just ate...you should just accept the fact that if I am anywhere near those boobs I am gonna want to eat.
3. You will allow me to stay in the bath for hours...that's right you might as well make yourself comfy because I LOVE THE BATH and expect to never be taken out of it.
4. You will cease this swaddling nonsense. I don't care if it calms me down...I hate to be controlled...I'll calm down when I am good and ready.

5. You will stop all this talk about considering letting me "cry it out"...oh I hear those hushed tones you and Daddy use when you speak of subjecting me to this horrifying method...you think I am dramatic now....just wait until I have been crying alone for even 10 minutes...go ahead Mama...do you double dare me?

6. You will never put me down. I enjoy being held. I mean I could understand if I was an ugly baby but come on... I rival the cutest babies and give that Gerber baby a run for her money.

7. You will allow Auntie Ashley around at all times...and if she isn't around you better find her because I find the woman to be completely entertaining...she is a hoot that Auntie Ash! She always makes me laugh and I could stare at all her crazy tattoos all day.

8. Mother you will sharply reprimand Daddy when he sneezes in my presence...it scares the bejezus out of me...I will not tolerate such loud scary noises...it hurts my tiny ears

9. While being subjected to the medieval torture device you like to call a car seat you will pull the string on my little sunshine toy over and over and over even while driving because well I like all those little songs he plays as well as the lights that flash in his cheeks. Next to Aunt Ashley that sunshine guy is my best friend.

10. When I awake in the morning you must immediately turn on my rainforest mobile...it's been all night since I hung with my peeps so I need to catch up with what's going on with them...see if they learned to do anything else besides rotate...one of these days...I keep watching because I know one of these days they'll do something new.

You people just need to realize who is really the boss here...hint...it's not Tony Danza!

I call the shots and I would appreciate it immensely if you would quit interfering with my personal life...

Yes my personal life because I am allowed to have one and you dear Mother...you are not!

Second star to the right, and straight on till morning...

Can Liv and I move in with Peter Pan? To Neverland? The Disney version...not Michael Jackson variation...yikes

Olivia is growing too fast! I love that she smiles and coos and tries sooooooo hard to make those little lips talk. You talk to her and you can just see how badly she wants to talk back...and she does, in a sense, talk back...


If only I could decode baby babble...

I'd like to think I know what she's saying. When she wakes up I always ask her about her baby dreams... this is how is goes

"Munchie did you have good baby dreams...you did really? Did you dream about kitties? White ones or orange ones or grey ones? Hmmmm Maybe you dreamt about puppies? About big ones or little ones or shaggy ones? Did you dream about Daddy? Was Daddy playing with you in your dreams? Did you have so much fun? Did you dream about milky? Did you dream about milk as far as the eye can see"...



This continues on and on with varying animals, toys, people or foods she could be dreaming about. She loves this game. She squeals and laughs and babbles...she is too cute! That sweet little mouth working so hard to produce those funny baby noises. Those eyes communicating so clearly to me, saying "Mama I hear you, Mama I know you can't understand me but I understand you". She is so smart...my baby is a genius!

I love this girl! She was always meant to be mine...inconvenient timing or not. Married or not. Ready or not she happened and came to me and changed me and my life forever.

She is getting so big! I hate it! I want so badly to know what she is going to look like as a little girl, to know who she's going to be...but why does she have to get bigger! Sad face!



Tonight I went to Megan's dance recital at school. Megan is Mitch's youngest sister and the youngest of the 7 Benveniste kids. Megan is Sue and Tony's baby and their last child to graduate from high school. Next week Megan finishes high school and there will be no more Benveniste high school graduations. Graduations filled with one or all siblings screaming out "Benvenistes rule" randomly throughout the ceremony.

I came to two conclusions tonight as I sat in a packed auditorium watching 2 hours of high school dance classes perform. Both were emotional and both made me a little sad.



First was one day Olivia will graduate high school and one day I too will be in attendance to any extra curricular activities she will be involved in. I know we are a long way from even a preschool graduation but it made me sad that babies have to grow up. I sat a row behind Sue and Tony and felt like they must be having some sort of twinge of sadness that their baby is growing up. It must be hard when any child grows up but to have the baby...the last one, getting ready to pass over into so-called adulthood...into the "real world" so to speak...how sad. But as we all know...graduating high school doesn't really mean you're a grown-up but I guess the rite of passage marks an end to a certain kind of childhood and into a young adult. I had to hold my eyes so wide to keep any tears from falling but I really felt empathy for them...I don't even like the fact that Olivia is growing out of her newborn diapers!



The next conclusion I drew was that I suffer from separation anxiety. Mitch stayed home with the baby while I went to the recital. I texted him every couple of minutes to make sure they were both still alive. I have only ever left Olivia one time before to go to a 2 hour movie...that was hard but maybe because of all these emotions I was feeling over Megan and her parents I missed little Munchie so much. I actually ran up the driveway through the front door and across the house "Where is my baby...I need my Livia". She was crying...Mitch was visibly overwhelmed (he'd never admit this however) and almost as soon as I scooped her up she stopped crying.



Heaven on earth to feel a tiny body relax and melt into you the way only a child can do with it's mother.

"Are you crying" Mitch asked me....
"No....maybe.....don't laugh at me".

I made Olivia promise me then and there that she'd never grow up.