Im pretty sure most everyone knows...

At least everyone who be upset to hear the news on a blog and not in person, knows by now. So I'm just going to explain what's going on. I have written before about Mitchell and his heart. He was born with a heart defect. A right septal defect and pulmonary stenosis. He had surgery to repair his heart at 5 months old. First of all....5 MONTHS OLD!!!!!!! I cannot even imagine having to give my baby over to someone to have heart surgery, that is just a terrifying nightmare to imagine what his parents must have been feeling way back in 1981. He doesn't obviously remember the surgery but he has the scars to prove it. He has a scar that runs the length of his his entire chest almost to his belly button, he also has scars on his thighs where the IV must have been.

His heart has been pretty normal for his condition for the past 30 years, I don't think it has limited him too much in things he is capable of doing and what not. But maybe for past year and a half he has been saying that his heart felt weird or was beating strange or he has gotten out of breath doing things he normally could do no problem. He had seen a few doctors here and there and everyone always told him the same things. Basically yes your heart is acting a little funny but due to your condition it is not out of the ordinary for you to experience these episodes. So from there when Mitch would experience these weird symptoms or feel completely exhausted he was looking for what could possibly be going on if it was not his heart, according to doctors, what was the problem.

Here is where things get a little hairy. At the peak of all his "self-diagnosis" I was working quite a bit and he was home with Olivia most of the time. Since the doctors could never really pinpoint anything that was wrong and he did have a few blood and urine tests to test for other problems, I was of the opinion that he was probably tired from watching Olivia. He has never really had to watch her for more than maybe an hour and certainly not everyday. SHE IS EXHAUSTING. Also he was out of work and I also figured he was probably a bit bored and stressed out and that can make you pretty tired as well. So when I would come home from work to a tornado mess in the house and Olivia was still awake a lot of nights, not bathed and not in jammies and Mitch would have found some possible ailment on the Internet...it was irritating. This became a pretty frequent scene in the house and it was super stressful. I was working alot and not making a whole lot of money to even make it worth it...Mitch really didn't do a whole lot at home but make messes and semi-supervise the chaos of Olivia...he did cook but it seemed more of a hassle to me because he never cleans up after himself and he is a messy cook. So I would come home to a mess, Olivia starved for attention and up way past her bedtime and Mitch on WebMD telling me he must have this or that or maybe even this blah, blah. I was not very supportive of all these problems he discovered on the Internet...I figured that if the doctors said he was fine...he was probably fine. He was angry at me for not believing him and I was angry with him for spending all his time looking up symptoms online when no one had told him of any actual problem.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago. He finally found a doctor who listened and referred him to a specialist. Apparently the heart has all kinds of specialists and Mitch needed a specialist who dealt with adults with congenital heart problems who had had surgery as an infant or child. And finally Mitchell got his vindication. Not something you probably want to be right about but Mitch is pretty happy when he gets to say "I told you so".

So the problem I guess is that when they did the surgery in infancy they had to do a fair amount of damage to one of his valves just because they are so small that there really isn't a way around it. Mitch's parents were told that it was likely he would have to have something done again in the future...probably around the age of 30... well guess who's been 30 since May.So his valve is constricted and not allowing the proper amount of blood through and therefore not supplying enough oxygen to the rest of his body. Which explains why he feels tired and explains why Mitch is kinda known to be a frequent napper. I guess it just is something that has been happening gradually for a while and is now at the point since he has all the symptoms that he needs to have something done. So what's to be done? OPEN HEART SURGERY to replace the faulty valve.

The doctors of course are very reassuring that it's a totally routine thing and it happens all the time and Mitch is a great candidate because he's young, healthy, doesn't smoke, doesn't really drink...etc. But the idea of having your ribcage sawed open and your heart being touched...well that is not comforting...not to mention I have watched way too much Grey's Anatomy to believe any surgery is routine. I feel stupid and lame to be convinced by a TV drama of the variety of problems with heart surgeries...ummmm hello remember the whole Izzy and Denny fiasco...well he had a heart transplant but come on...that was tragic!!!!! I am so scared...Mitch is so freaked out...all the family rotates between "it'll be fine and OMG my baby, my brother, my mitchy".

Mitch also has not let me forget that I didn't initially believe anything was wrong with him. To me, to my defense, I never doubted that maybe his heart was acting strangely...but those other doctors said his heart was different and would be strange sometimes and that was normal. I did however roll my eyes at all the possible Internet illnesses he thought he might have...kidney failure, UTI's, bladder infections, lyme disease, valley fever, diabetes, etc. I guess maybe in retrospect it made sense he would try to find alternative explanations to why he felt so crappy since all the doctors before insisted his heart was fine. And I admit I was not supportive of all these ailments and maybe since it was his heart all along I can see why all the mania makes sense.

I do feel badly. I guess in my head I felt like I have to take care of Olivia and most of the time I take care of her alone...I don't have time to invest in crazy hypochondria when it doesn't seem to get you anywhere except negative test results. I instinctively trust doctors...my dad is a doctor. So no, in my head if a doctor says you are okay I'm not going to doubt his diagnosis. I guess this has taught me to be more realistic than idealistic when it comes to authority figures...because to me a doctor is an authority figure. It is after all called "Practicing Medicine", a doctor is just a highly educated guesser I suppose.

So I am scared for Mitchell, I'm scared for myself. I am most frightened for my child. What this means for her life. If everything goes according to plan it probably doesn't mean a whole lot other than the fact that I will most likely have to work for a while and she will be with a babysitter or daycare more than me...which is heartbreaking to me...she is so attached to me. But if something were to go wrong. I don't want that to be her life. I don't want her to never know her father, because she would not remember him at this point in the future. A little girl needs a Daddy and Mitchell is her Daddy. And she is her father's daughter...she is exactly like him in almost all aspects. She needs him to be okay, I need him to be okay. I mean Mitch and I are not always known for our ability to get along but I love him with everything in me...even when he makes me so mad, even when his ADHD is in overdrive and I feel like my head is going to explode if he doesn't leave me alone...we have been together for so long, I don't want anyone else in my life. We are both so stubborn and bullheaded...who else would put up with us? No...he has to be okay, he's going to be just fine and we will get through this and it will be okay.

So anyways that's what I have been stressed out about...angry about...sad about...overwhelmed about...in denial about...worried about. And I am a worrier, so this is like torture.

Oh and Mitch is due to have the surgery sometime in January depending on the results on more testing...which is of course not cheap since he has like the crappiest insurance ever!!!!! Maybe we should move to Canada?

And the self pity continues....

Simon and Garfunkel are so good. They really really are like excellently good at lyrics. This song combines the right amount of sadness, wallow and anger that is exactly how I am feeling....



A winter's day
in a deep and dark Decemeber;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

Drowning...

So I can't really get into why exactly I feel like I am drowning...it's not my news to blast on the Internet...but I am feeling depressed with a capital "D" the past 2 weeks or so. I am trying to rise above it...not think about it...ignore it...without much success. I have never been very good at handling stressful situations especially if there is a place to just bury my head in the sand or covers and just try to zone out until the whole thing passes. Unfortunately there is nowhere to run or hide this time. It doesn't take a lot to overwhelm me and then I just live in a world of denial and panic most of the time.

I don't know what is wrong with me but I really feel incapable of dealing with stress. I feel like I was probably sheltered from a lot of real life stresses as a kid and young adult and now when something happens that is hard to deal with I literally feel like I can't keep it together. Which is funny because I don't think a lot of people outside my family would recognize this in me...I'm pretty good at maintaining a brave face even in the midst of internal disaster. That is unless I know and trust you and then I just feel free to completely self-destruct in front of you. But it is usually in a negative way where you are more prone to be really angry at me than feel sorry for me. But my siblings were raised by the same parents and I don't feel like they are so crippled with dealing with problems...maybe it's just part of my personality...idk? I'm also not very good at letting people be there for me...I generally don't like to be touched so that can be a problem when someone's first instinct is to embrace someone who is sad. Sometimes when I am all alone and just feel overwhelmed by sadness or just cry and I think how nice it would be to just cry big sobbing heaves in my mother's arms...but I never do, I just can't for some reason. I have not done anything of the sort in a long long time.

So in short...I have some major stress coming my way in the next couple of months but it's not just happening to me it's happening to Mitch and Olivia and well...everyone I suppose. I feel alone but I don't know how to let anyone be there for me about it. I feel like I can't breathe. It's a fleeting thing that comes and goes and most of the time I am fine and other times I feel like I just want to crawl into a closet and cry. I also keep finding myself when I wake up in the morning curled into the fetal position...so that is weird, lol. I miss my siblings...for some reason I really really miss my brother. I think the last time I remember really falling apart in front of my family was when I went away to college and I was so homesick I felt like I could die. My brother happened to be in town and I remember just crying on his shoulder...it felt good. My big brother is usually a pretty silent supporter but I think that is the kind of support I respond best to...and now matter how old I get he still feels like my big brother. No matter how old any of us get I guess to me our birth order doesn't change in my mind. Little sister will always be little sister no matter how old she gets. And I am of course the middle child...so I guess that means I always gets the be the crazy one...Hooray, I don't know how much more crazy I can handle....

so anyways....not looking for a pity party just needing to get it out...

People are strange

So there is this thing in Citrus Heights they do like 4 times a year. It's basically throw all your crap you don't want/need/use/what have you out at the end of the driveway and the city will come and haul it away. I grew up in Roseville...we never had anything like this...still don't as far as I can tell. It seems pretty convenient...seems like the city may be in some ways encouraging it's citizens to not end up on an episode of Hoarders. Although here is the problem. I'm sure you are familiar with the old saying "One man's trash is another's man's treasure". Well I'm sure you can see where this is going. People start throwing their crap out there a few days before and then all of a sudden all these weirdos come out of the woodwork to look through all the crap for some sort of unknown and hidden treasures. Either that or they are are drug addicts looking for some sort of metals they can cash in somewhere for money. I mean who in their right mind does this? Obviously the drug addicts aren't in their right mind do we can just write that off as making some sort of sense. But what of these crews of families that drive around in what look like converted lawn mowing trucks snatching up all this junk. I mean you could be behind them and they will throw the car in reverse to back up to some sort of promising looking pile of junk. And they give you these looks that you are seriously inconveniencing them by being behind them in your car. Some people...I mean really!????

I remember when we first moved here they had one of these days and we threw an old washing machine and tool chest out there among other things and not even 20 minutes later the crap was gone...a full 12 hours before the garbage people came. I remember thinking how weird someone happened to drive by who wanted these things...I had no idea that people...like do this...all the time.

Moving on...this will probably make me sound horrible but there is this homeless guy that is always at the corner of the parking lot at Walmart with his sign about needing money and anything helps and God bless and what not. It is always the same guy and he looks about my age and he looks like he is probably some sort of tweaker and he is also a liar. I drove by him once...mind you he is always there...and I offered him a soda and you know what he said "well do you have any cash, I'd rather have the cash". No I don't. Why do you say anything helps is what I am thinking...and fine I'll keep my soda I wanted it anyway. The more I drive by him...the more he annoys me...the more I want to scream out of the window..."Get a job". I mean you are sitting out here at Walmart all day everyday...why don't you go apply for a job. I have worked at Walmart and believe me they will hire just about anybody. I mean you are just standing out there you could probably go push some carts. Does this make me sound really awful? I mean obviously I don't know the guy maybe he is really incapable of working...but honestly I am just really sick of looking at his face everytime I leave the Walmart parking lot.

I mean don't get me wrong I have given homeless people money before...I feel like I am charitable. I once gave this teenage girl outside of a different Walmart $20 because she was crying about how she got kicked out of her house and guys kept offering her money for sexual favors. Granted I had just had a baby and a daughter no less and the idea of her being someone's child and daughter just terrified out on the street was more for my post partum emotions to bear. What if that was Olivia one day? Mitch said that would never be Olivia and was pissed at me, convinced she was probably lying...maybe she was...but it felt like it was the right thing to do. And after I handed her the money she burst into tears and threw her arms around me basically melting into me. If she was lying she could have won the academy award. For some reason this Walmart guy just doesn't evoke alot of sympathy in me. Probably because he refused my gesture and because I am sick of seeing his face!!!!

So anyways that's all for people being strange today...hopefully this post doesn't make me seem like ungrateful selfish a-hole.

Listen up all you literary snobs out there...

Here is where I confess something. This is something I have been rather bashful about in the past. Something the "smart reader" in me would never want to admit. Something no one who reads a lot would probably admit. Something that someone who wants you to know they are "a reader" wouldn't admit. I just decided I don't care...I'm coming out there...I'm gonna say it...are you ready?

I LIKE STEPHEN KING BOOKS

It seems silly right that I would be wary to admit that? I think a lot of people who would be considered "readers" would say that they are not big Stephen King fans. I would say that almost all of those same people would be people that have only seen made for TV movies based on Stephen King books. That most of these people have never read a Stephen King book. I would wager to bet that a lot of these people also would rave about movies like "The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, Hearts in Atlantis, Stand By Me" and don't realize they are based on Stephen King books. He doesn't just write horror and science fiction...although he does do that really well.

The other day we were at the thrift store thumbing through children's books for Olivia (*sidenote I only buy childrens books these days from the thrift store, they have so many and they are usually in good shape and they are sooooooo cheap!). Anyways I don't really ever check out the other books because they tend to be a bunch of crap. But I saw a big hardbound Stephen King book, Nightmares and Dreamscapes. Huh for $2.00 I'll buy it. It's Halloween time and since my love of horror movies tended to be thrown out the window because Mitchell hates them and it's no fun to watch them alone, I can still read horror, right? I open up the book and start reading the prologue. And once again I am hit by how clever and funny Stephen King really is, how much he seems so relatable. This is what the first page of the prologue says;

"When I was a kid I believed everything I was told, everything I read and every dispatch sent out by my own overheated imagination. This made for more than a few sleepless nights, but it also filled the world I lived in with colors and textures I would not have traded for a lifetime of restful nights. I knew even then, you see, that there were people in the world-too many of them, actually-whose imaginative senses were either numb or completely deadened, and who lived in a mental state akin to colorblindness. I always felt sorry for them, never dreaming (at least then) that many of these unimaginative types either pitied me or held me in contempt, not just because I suffered from any number of irrational fears but because I was deeply and unreservedly credulous on almost every subject. "There's a boy," some of them must have thought (I know my mother did), "who will buy the Brooklyn Bridge not just once but over and over again all his life." There was some truth to that then, I suppose, and if I am to be honest, I suppose there's some truth to it now. My wife still delights in telling people that her husband cast his first presidential ballot, at the tender age of 21, for Richard Nixon. "Nixon said he had a plan to get us out of Vietnam," she says, usually with a gleeful gleam in her eye, "and Steve believed him!". That's right; Steve believed him. Nor is that all Steve has believed during the often -eccentric course of his forty-five years."

He writes scary stories because he is like a big kid and I like that! Sure he shows up now and then in his miniseries movies and he looks like a total whackjob...like who would be suprised this guy write horror so well, look at him! But he is really such a good writer and he can make fun of himself. Now I am not saying all his books are good because I have not read them all and I have also read some real crap (Bag of Bones was terrible!!!!). But there is a reason he is so terribly successful and there is a reason they are always making his books into movies or miniseries...even though the miniseries that follow the book almost exactly tend to not be very good and ooze cheese. You will never be able to be frightened as much by images in a movie as you can be by words on the page. Your imagination and interpretation of what's happening in your minds eye as you read along will win hands down every time! Case in point... Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining", was basically the same idea as the book and it says that it's based on the book in the opening credits. While the idea is the same, Kubrick changed things, added things, took out things and the movie was really good and really scary. Stephen King, bless his heart, made his own movie out of "The Shining" and it was...well...cheesy and not that great and much too long. Or did you see Dreamcatchers? The Mist? Those movies were not great...but the books, I read them both...were very scary.

Anyways I was first introduced to Stephen King as a small child. There was a miniseries on TV based on one of his books...IT.
My older brother and older cousins all watched it one Thanksgiving up in our playroom, while us younger kids were banned from the room. I remember my Mom saying it was too scary for me to watch...which if you know me at all, forbidding me from doing something or watching something is just going to make me all the more curious about it. The playroom at my parents house is upstairs and while the older kids watched the movie us younger kids kept sneaking up the stairs and peering through the cracked door to catch glimpses here and there of this "too scary movie". That movie was scary!!!!!! I don't think I even saw that much of it at the time but those images of that killer clown are burned forever in my memory! I remember my brother and cousinst talking about it the next day..."Oh of course it's scary it's a Stephen King"...whatever that meant to me at the time. This Stephen King must be scary, was the name of the clown Stephen King I remember wondering. I did end up seeing the whole movie sometime much later and it still scared the crap out of me. And I somewhere along the road figured out that Stephen King wrote books, scary books...but I didn't really enjoy reading until after High School...when I would be met with Stephen King yet again.

I was working at Sam's Club and I had been lucky enough to land the ideal cashier spot...the Tobacco Cage. Which is exactly how it sounds...it's like a big cage full of cigarettes and chewing tobacco. This was an ideal spot because it wasn't all that busy and you got to know the vendors really well and it was out of the way so no one really was keeping tabs on you. Anyways one day someone checked out at "the cage" and they decided against buying a book. Thus leaving the book with me as a go-back. Now what book could that be? It was Stephen King's "The Shining". I was so bored down there that I flipped the book over and read the back. I had not ever seen the Kubrick movie but knew it played often on AMC during the month of October. It seemed like something to pass the time so I started to read the book. Stephen King is really good at the hook. I mean even in the books that I have read that were not very good he is ALWAYS good at drawing you in at the start. This is something rather important in a book...otherwise why keep reading? Anyways I had read something like 80 pages by the time I went to my lunch break and I was hooked. I took the book home that night, do I admit that I didn't pay for it, whoops! Well I brought it back and didn't keep it, so it was more like borrowing than stealing...right? Whatever! That book is so damn scary you wouldn't believe me without reading it yourself. That book is what sparked in me a love of reading as an adult. That book, ohhhhh I can't even tell you is horrifying! I had never been drawn into reading the way I was when I read that book. Reading was always homework, always something to suffer through for a good grade's sake.

After reading "The Shining" I began to read and read and read. I love reading as an adult and it's thanks to good ole' Stephen. Anyone reading this blog who likes to be scared, who likes a good horror movie or story....you need to read "The Shining". There is an episode of Friends about this book. Where Rachel finds a copy of "The Shining" in Joey's freezer and he tells her that's where he puts the book when it gets too scary. It really is awesome and way better than the Kubrick movie.

Anyways I have read a number of his books and for some reason I like to keep most of the books I have read...but I feel somewhat embarassed to have the King books out in public in my house. Like someone would see Stephen King on my book shelf and completely write me off as a "real reader". Oh she just reads for the pure entertainment quality...she doesn't read things that make her think, or ponder or inspire. "Stephen King is only in it for the money...he wants to make money", they might think. "Here is Emily part of the sheep buying his books". This is stupid I realize...but I don't think anyone out there would doubt that this is a reality of judgement when it comes to what kinds of books you want people to know you read or have read. Stephen King isn't Faulkner or Bukowski or Capote or Steinbeck. But that is what I like about him...he never claimed to be. If being successful in life has anything to do with being really good at what you do...Stephen King is good at what he does. He is known to be a science fiction and horror writer. And his books will scare the bejeezus out of you. The man can tell a good ghost story.

So since it's Halloween time and I know I like a good scare; here are some good book by King to read if you can get part the book snob in yourself

The Shining

Salem's Lot

IT

Needful Things

Pet Sematary

The Stand

The Mist

Dreamcatcher


Happy Halloween!!!!!

14 years of excellence

Okay maybe not excellence...but at least mediocrity. One accident, a few fix it tickets, nothing major. So I have to renew my drivers licence. I have officially been driving for 14 years. Actually my license expired on my birthday but I kinda forgot and then remembered like a week later but then really didn't do anything about it. And I have kinda been driving anyway even though I guess technically I am not allowed to drive, whatever!!!! But I guess this week is the week I HAVE TO go renew it or Mitchell will never shut up about how irresponsible I am. I was kinda worried that since I am like a month late they would make me take the written test again...which I would like to say I'd pass...but really I mean some of those questions...unless you were 15 and trying to get a permit you would not know the answers. But I called and all I have to do is pay the fee, do an eye exam and take a new picture. I am kinda happy about a new picture because I kinda hate my old one. I have the Rosemary's Baby hairdo in it and no one ever seems to believe it's me when cashing checks and what not.

This was my haircut, that was even how I described what I wanted to the hair stylist...I liked it for a while but when I was over it...it took a while for my hair to get the clue!!! Have you ever grown out a pixie cut? Urghhh it's like mullet status for a while there. Also I am not sure it ever looked as good on me as it did on Rosemary...or Mia Farrow.
This strangely enough was the day I took the picture for my drivers license. I guess I was testing out just how "butch" I was gonna look in this driver's license photo I would have for the unforeseeable future. You see I look pretty good here. However for some reason I was possessed to wear lipstick for my DL photo...and that, that....was not a good idea. I look crazy. I never wear lipstick...it must have been suggested by my mother to make up for my short hair...which she of course hated. Not to mention my hair looks like unnaturally yellow in the picture, oh well.

So I have to update my info as well. I'm not all that convinced I should update my weight...if I even knew what it was to begin with...I don't weigh myself for obvious reasons, have not since before Olivia was born. My license right now says I weigh 130, ha I wish...honestly I probably weighed more than that when I renewed it last...but I can't be sure. But since my license before that said 115 and that was actually a true weight at the time...awww that's depressing!

I guess what I am have thinking about the most is the hair color option. I have not been blonde in a long time. I don't know if I will be anytime soon. I would like to think I will be again someday, it just seems like such a process because it is so dark now...and I don't want to cut off a bunch of damage that will likely happen if I bleach it. So do I change the current "blonde" hair to "brown". It seems so sad...like saying goodbye to my fun self...because I think blondes really do have more fun. And I have had like every hair color so I think I am a fair judge.

Here I am on the right having significantly more fun in my life than I seem to have these days. Notice the otter pop in my hand, everyone knows how fun otter pops are...actually it's probably the Walmart knockoff "flavor ice"...whatever! See my roommate Jenn is also blonde and she is having more fun too...there we were just 2 blondes having fun!

And this thought just occurred to me...if I leave it saying blonde and I am standing in front of the disgruntled DMV Clerk will they make me switch it to brown...since it is currently brown.

This is confusing. Does this mean if I want to keep it saying blonde I have to wear a blonde wig or something....huhhhhh.

So I guess I am doomed to a significantly less fun future as a brunette.

No offence "brunies".

And I am still not going to put down my actual weight...they can't take away my inaccurate weight!!!!!

Thoughts on Netflix and things

First of all I think Netflix streaming is psychic. The other day I was thinking you know what I would like to watch? That show Felicity, you know the one with Keri Russell. I looked it up and nope...not instant. Then a few days later I am flipping through the "New TV Shows" and there it is "Felicity". I also kinda think Netflix instant streaming is ruining my life. Let me explain. All these shows I never watched when they were on TV are on instant and literally all I have to do is hit "Play next episode". I have watched Weeds, The Tudors, Lost, The Office, Greys Anatomy, My So Called Life, Keeping up with the Kardashians, Arrested Development, Mad Men, Dexter...probably a lot more I just can't currently think of at the moment.


You see when it comes to late nights and TV I have no self control...AT ALL!!!!! I keep thinking, "Okay just one more, then I will go to bed"...but it's never one more, it's like 6 more. Then before I know it, it's like 3 AM and I am like "crap". You see I am not the type to fall asleep while watching something. I feel like some weird loyalty to not fall asleep so unless I turn it off I will not go to sleep and the whole having no self control...I can't turn it off.


Also I don't think TV was meant to be watched like this...episode after episode. There is a reason a show only comes on once a week. So this is a real problem for me. I don't know what to do. Like I mentioned there is no way if everyone else is asleep and I am completely free to do whatever I want I can resist the urge to just watch episode after episode of something. Or some crime documentary...those seem to be addictive as well....I think I have watched every "Frontline" and "NatGeo" show on Netflix.

So here is where I reach out to the blogosphere for help...since I recently discovered there is a support group for people addicted to raisins...my name is Emily and I am addicted to Netflix streaming!!!!

The time when I thought my house was Haunted

So we have lived here almost a year. We got the keys the day before Halloween. I loved this house... I found it, I called about seeing it, I forced Mitchell to fill out the application for it and I was super excited when they called us back and asked when we could come sign the lease. Mitchell I think was more kinda like "ehhhh". I think he was happy to finally find a place but not thrilled about the fact that is was located in Citrus Heights, he really wanted to live in like old Folsom or downtown Sacramento. I wanted to live somewhat nearby my parents and his parents because his job at the time kept him traveling and out of town 5 days a week. In other words it was going to be me and Olivia alone most of the time. I wanted to have family nearby, you know in case anything happened or something.

We live in a really weird part of town. A part of town that unless you were familiar with it or had driven by you would not know existed. It is a really old neighborhood on a dead end street and resembles a cute old neighborhood however it is also kinda country/farm like. People have chickens and it looks like a neighborhood your Grandmother would live in. Citrus Heights if you are not from the area is not known for being the greatest place to live for the most part. I mean there are obviously exceptions but having grown up in Roseville...maybe I am kinda snobby in saying that citrus heights can be well...ghetto. I mean you should go to the Walmart near my house...it is like another country. You look around and you wonder where on earth these people come out of the woodwork to shop. Anyways the street and streets surrounding my street is really cute and filled with mostly old people.

I would say that for the most part I have really loved this house. I mean sometimes it smells weird/old/ musty when it rains and there was that incidence with termites that one time...not to mention the first three months living here was spent battling ants for the right to live in the house. The backyard is really big but the grass resembles weeds more than grass and there seems to be no shortage of spider friends. But other than that, this place is super cozy and cute. The front yard has nice grass and a porch and hedges and rosebushes and the house is green!!!!!! Like mint green and green is my favorite color. It was built in 1952 and still has all the original pink tile in the bathroom and green tile in the kitchen. The wood floors are original and were most likely covered in carpet for the majority of the time because the wood is in way too good of shape to be that old. The dining room and kitchen have that big square linoleum that is white and mint green in color. This house has no carpet, anywhere!!! And I would say for the most part that has been nice...not having to worry about getting carpet dirty...sweeping and mopping however are not all that exciting! I have a fireplace...which we have never used because paranoid Mitch thinks we'd set the house on fire, not to mention Olivia is a bit to curious a child to tempt her. AWWWWwwwww I really love my little old house it makes me sad that the lease will be up next month and I don't think Mitch really has much desire to stay here...we'll see. I told him I am not moving before the holidays...so if there is a move it won't be until after the new year.

Oh boy but the title!!!! The title of the post, what does that have to do with anything you are probably wondering. Well, not a whole lot actually. I guess I was just trying to give you a background on where we live so it doesn't sound like we live in some weird place when I explain why I thought the house was haunted. Okay so the first night we slept in the house I was super paranoid that Olivia was going to freak out in her new surroundings, not to mention she has shared a room with my her whole life up until that point. We were in bed and Mitch was more or less asleep and I said "Do you think I should check on the baby"...he mumbled something like "Huh, whatever, go to sleep" and I tried to just ignore the urge to go sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of her room. Because I had really, with the exception of a few times, slept in the same room as her everyday since she was born. Then a few moments later I heard what sounded like whining or moaning and I thought she is up, she is crying, she is freaked out to be in a new place. I jumped out of bed and walked over to her door...it didn't sound like her but there was certainly some weird noise going on in there. I opened the door and she was asleep...soundly asleep in her new room...just fine. But that noise sounded like wailing or moaning and I tiptoed around the room trying to figure out where it was coming from...I was unsuccessful. I went back to bed and said hesitantly "Ummmmm Mitchell......okay this sounds really stupid but do you think that this house could be haunted". Mitchell who was probably more asleep than awake said "Emily stop being a freak and go to sleep". I was quiet for a bit but then said "Yeah but I really did hear weird noises in her room". Then my mind began to race with all the shows I had seen on TLC or AE about unsuspecting couples moving into some old house only to be terrorized by ghosts. I mean does anyone really believe this could happen...probably not. But when you hear unidentified moaning and wailing in your house, your baby's room no less....you tell me what you are gonna think. Then I didn't hear the noises again and we got a fan in Olivia's room so in my mind if there were any ghosts wailing or moaning at least they would be drown out with the fan on full blast.

Probably a few weeks later we were in the front yard getting in the car with Mitch's family to go to dinner or something and a siren from a fire engine or cop car was going off probably down on Antelope, a nearby busy street. Then it started. Have you seen 101 Dalmatians? You know when they send out there distress call to the other dogs to signal an emergency? And all the dogs are wailing and barking and howling? That's what happened. Somewhere, I'm not even sure to this day where, someone has like some sort of kennel or breeding grounds for some kind of dog. And a chorus of dogs were howling like it was their full time job and I instantly recognized it as the ghostly sounds in Olivia's room. It is weird....I mean really weird to hear this orchestra of dogs on a daily basis. They sound like they are dying or something. And they tend to really belt it out at night. I think what's even weirder is that this seems like a perfectly normal noise to hear now for us!

The Circus seemed an appropriate theme!

So this past weekend Mitch's older brother Matt, his wife Kindra and their son Ezra came to visit. We have not seen them since Mike's wedding over a year ago. They don't visit often and live all the way out in Illinois. Ezra is 7 months younger than Olivia. Actually born on the same day as Liam. Anyways they came out to Grandma Anita's house in Millbrae (South Bay) to visit for a few days. Since Ezra will be turning 2 on the 3rd of October and since nobody was there for his first birthday or see him that often Grandma Sue threw him a birthday party! Olivia and Ezra were the only kids there but that didn't stop everyone from having an awesome time at the circus themed soiree. The house was decorated so cute with circus stripes and flags...circus tents set up in the backyard, a clown beanbag toss, a child sized picnic table covered with plastic circus animal figurines, a tub with floating rubber duckies and of course lots and lots of snacks.

Olivia and Ezra at the Animal table

Mitchy and his big brothers...Matt (left is middle Brother) Mike (right is the oldest)All the Circus-y Treats

Most of the party goers

The next day we all headed out to the Academy of Sciences to visit the aquarium, planetarium, rainforest, natural history museum and even got to visit the sculpture garden at the DeYoung Art Museum.

It was quite the adventure to get everyone coordinated and moving and parked. Like "herding cats" is what Tony calls it...and I would say that is an accurate description. Trying to get 12 people out the door without some real complaining about how long everyone is taking by someone who shall remain nameless ahem "Mitchell". Probably close to an hour and half after arriving at the place we actually went inside. By that time everyone was already tired, lol. We made the mistake of visiting the "rainforest" first. It was so hot and humid in there and you start at the bottom and just move further and further up to towards the roof...and well you know how heat rises. I felt like I was gonna die! This is what Olivia looked like upon arrival at the top waiting for the elevator to take us back down
Once everyone made it outta that rainforest of death everyone's mood seemed to improve dramatically...and how could it not that aquarium is pretty awesome!!!!


Olivia and Ezra didn't really seem to be too impressed with one another...these are like the only photos I got of the two of them together.

This is what Olivia looked like when Ezra refused to hold her hand...she was quite offended and cried hysterically for a good 2 minutes proclaiming "I never hold hand with that baby again". Olivia is used to more submissive cousins like Liam who follows her around like a puppy and holds hands gladly and willingly. Or Abe who just kinda goes with the flow. Ezra is just as spoiled as Olivia so it was more of a power struggle and battle of wills. It seemed whenever one of them was starting to warm up the other one was in a bad mood. AHHHHH oh well. All's well that ends well...everyone had a good time!

I was fine...

So a little bit ago I wrote a post about my sister being pregnant and how I was a little jealous that she got to have another baby before I had another baby since my first baby was older than hers. I would say I got over it pretty quick. And she had to sit out most of Disneyland. While I got to go on ride after ride and had a pregnant babysitter for Olivia. So the problem on how am I going to go on Space Mountain or Indiana Jones when Olivia is too small was kinda solved and convenient that Katie could not go on those rides either. Thanks Ian for getting my sister pregnant so I could throughly enjoy Disneyland....ha aha aha ha.

So I was fine with not being pregnant. Then the little lady was born and I was expecting to feel all emotional about Olivia being a giant and how come I can't have a newborn baby...but I was fine. Then I went to Utah to see the little Vivianne and I was expecting to feel a real twinge of "baby hunger"...but I was fine. She seemed so small and delicate and made me nervous more than envious. She seemed like she might break at any false move and then I changed her diaper and she wailed in protest of being naked and I just felt panicked. I remember telling Katie she could not leave the room...what if this baby totally freaks out, you are her mother...I'm not. It really is different when it's your baby...it truly is. I remember Mitch's sisters freaking out a bit when Olivia was a newborn, feeling nervous about hurting her or getting stressed when she would cry. I remember thinking they were crazy...the baby is not going to break, she's fine!!! Then Vivianne screamed bloody murder when I was trying to change her diapers and clothes and I just thought "Katie I swear I am not hurting your baby but she is freaking me out". And so I was fine...I left little Vivianne after a visit and didn't feel like "I NEED A BABY!!!!!".

So I was feeling all proud of myself for not feeling jealous and not getting all crazy hormonal about my time for child bearing running out. Then something happened. So "Grey's Anatomy" is a show I recently discovered on Netflix streaming and they recently just updated with the prevoius season 7, which I had not seen yet. So long story short "Callie" gets pregnant and has a baby on this season and this baby is a little half latina half white baby and has a ton of dark hair. And here is where I felt that twinge...that "I need that baby in my arms right now". Now why do I feel that way about some dumb TV baby but not when I held my niece?

Huh, this was perplexing, especially since I had seen and held Vivianne in real life. But then I realized it's because Vivianne looks nothing like Olivia did. Vivianne has bright blue eyes and has just the slightest bit of blonde fuzz on her head. Olivia as a newborn looked a lot like this TV baby. Olivia had a really hairy furry head of dark hair and while her eyes were the "baby blue" color they were always very very dark. And now here I am wishing for a Mitchell and Emily baby...because those are the babies that are most beautiful to me. On the drive home my mom commented about Vivianne saying "Isn't she beautiful Em, isn't she such a doll".....and I responded that she was such a divine little creature...."But not as cute as Olivia". My mom was like "Emily!!!!!!" to which I responded laughing "You really think I am ever going to say any baby is cuter than my own"...to which my dad agreed that no Mother would.

So Katie I'm sorry but your babygirl is the the second most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen. And I'm Okay with Olivia being the second most pretty to you! And since I apparently have to be married before I can have any more babies and avoid being disowned by my mother...does anyone want to marry me? Cause I'm ready for another baby, lol. Do I really have to be married. Marriage seems frightening to me for some reason these days!

Lame-o

So ever since Olivia and I got back from our weeklong trip to Utah and Idaho I have been a big lame-o in the mom department. To be fair Olivia and I both got sick at the tail end of the trip and the whole thing seemed to really culminate on the drive home. Now Olivia seems to be getting better...I honestly don't feel much better but at least my throat isn't sore anymore because that is a real bummer. So we have not really left the house...and by not leave the house I mean we haven't even gone outside....yikes.

You see we could go in the backyard but the lawn/weeds that we have going on are in need of a serious mow not to mention I have to daily hose off all of Olivia's outside toys to keep the spiders and spiderwebs at bay. Since they have been neglected for almost 2 weeks I can only imagine there are probably spiders the size of Pomeranian puppies hanging out back there. Less cute and friendly but definitely just as furry! And you know I am not even that squeamish when it comes to spiders but either is Olivia and that is a real problem since I have on more than one occasion seen black widows. And a curious toddler and black widows probably aren't the best combination. They probably would not take too kindly to her poking them...we are not talking about Charlottes here...we are talking about Arachnophobia type monsters. So we have not been doing a whole lot this week. Since she is still sick too she seems to be pretty agreeable when it comes to naps and watching movies.

I feel bad because she is probably super bored compared to last week...but maybe that's why she hasn't complained. Maybe she is like her mother and needs some time to decompress and get back to regular life? We have been doing a lot of coloring, taking long baths, reading lots of stories and for some reason watching a lot of Yo Gabba Gabba? She used to be obsessed with that show when I lived with my parents and they have NickJr. Then we moved and didn't get that channel and Gabba just kinda fell off the radar for Caillou or her current obsession Horseland. Then Gabba got put on Netflix streaming and she saw the little icon and now it's all she wants to watch...I would think that she would have outgrown it...it's pretty baby-ish right? Nope she totally gets into the zone and just watches in awe. She has even dragged out all her Gabba stuffed figures and plays with them.

She is just so cute. And she is so sweet most of the time and she puts up with me as a mother and that is probably saying a lot, ha! She is just getting older by the minute and the way she plays changes by the day and she imitates me and says certain phrases I know she hears me say and it's just so funny. Today as I was talking on the phone to my mom and lamenting to her how I just felt like crap she had her little play phone out and she said "mom u jus don't understan...i so sick...i feel sooo bad mom". She is like my little mocking bird!

So hopefully me feeling better will coincide with the weather getting cooler and thus motivating me to actually make her days more exciting...since my morale and desire to be part of society really takes a hit when the weather reaches temps over like 75 degrees. I'm Nordic...we aren't made for heat!!!!

You're breaking my heart!!!

Today as I was unpacking the last of my things from my trip to Idaho I came across a picture my nephew Robbie colored for Olivia the first day we were there. He drew the letters of her name all bubbly and then outlined her names in rainbow colors. It made me feel choked up to see that. Not that I don't love all my nephews and now my niece equally but there is something about Robbie that twists my heart all up inside. I LOVE THAT KID!!!! Maybe because he was the first, maybe because I spent a lot of time with him when he was a baby and a little boy...maybe there is just something about his tender little heart that speaks to my heart, I don't know.

When Robbie was born I was eighteen years old. I was living in Rexburg Idaho and going to school at Ricks College (BYU-I nowadays). Eric and Rochelle lived in Boise Idaho which if I recall is about 5 hours away. I remember the weekend he was to be blessed at church. I remember I drove to Boise with Rochelle's parents who also live in Rexburg. I remember that when we arrived no one was home and so we had to wait. When Eric and Rochelle arrived they saw a dark haired girl sitting on the grass with Creed (chelle's lil bro) and I think I remember them telling me they were wondering who on earth that was and where was Emily? Well that was me...that was the first time I ever dyed my hair a drastically different shade than my normal blonde. After some laughing and "it looks cute" we came inside and sat down. Rochelle handed me a little bundle of a baby and the first thing I thought was "I am looking at a newborn version of my brother". I can't remember whether my sister was there yet but I know once she arrived we spent most of the time fighting over who got to hold the baby. Growing up there was never any shortage of newborn babies around at church but it's different when it's your own family...when you don't have to feel weird about asking to hold the baby...AGAIN! I think it was the first time I really held a baby that young. And I loved it, I loved him. I was an Aunt and it was the coolest feeling.

I think Robbie and his younger brother Kamren were pretty lucky to have Katie and I as aunts. Not that their other Aunts or Uncles weren't just as great, but it's different to have a young unmarried, childless aunt or uncle. You devote so much time to them and they are like your babies too because you don't have any of your own. Olivia is lucky enough to have this now in all of Mitch's sisters. It's like all of a sudden you have someone to buy things for when you go out of town...someone who is instantly on your mind when you see a cute toy or outfit or kids movie. When I was at my brother's house last week I was looking at pictures from Robbie's 1st birthday. I bought him this robotic dog thing that was like $60. I don't know what I was thinking, ha ha. I'm sure it was long since broken by the time he would have been old enough to play with it. I remember taking Robbie everywhere. He was also such a good baby...I hardly remember him ever crying or being fussy. He was my little guy and so sweet. I remember him as a toddler and how he would randomly stroke my cheek and then give me a kiss...I'm sure this would be embarrassing for him to hear now, lol. Then Kamren was born and then more babies were born, and Katie got married and I had a baby and then Katie had a baby and now another baby.

Along the way something snuck up on all of us. Robbie got older, taller, "cooler". While I was up there visiting I didn't see Robbie as much as the other boys because he was busy with Middle School and football and piano lessons and clarinet practicing. But all the while it was becoming evident to me that he was getting so big. I mean he had been getting big for a while but I never looked at him and saw in his face the teenager he would become, the man he would become. I remember the last night we were in town going out to dinner and looking at him across the table and for the first time noticing that he didn't look like a little boy anymore...and it was heartbreaking. It's not something that happened on purpose or anything he was trying to do...it just snuck up on me.

I had been taking for granted that he would always be my Robbie, always be my "baby bob" and all of a sudden he didn't look like my baby anymore. It made me a little sad that my life had changed and Katie's life had changed and there were now a gaggle of grandchildren and Robbie wasn't the center of all of our universes anymore. Because for a while before Kamren came along he really was one spoiled little guy...like Olivia is on the Benveniste side and like how she was for a while for being the only girl on our side. Now Robbie is the oldest...oldest brother, oldest boy, oldest cousin. Here he was drawing pictures for my daughter, holding her hand while they played in the lake, trying to entertain her at the dinner table...he isn't a little guy anymore. I'm glad that Olivia gets to have him as her oldest cousin, since she doesn't have a big brother she at least as 4 older boy cousins to look out for her!

And Robbie...you can just stay 11 from here on out...shaving, dating, driving!!!! This is just not something I am willing to accept yet!!!! Stay little-ish!

And we're back....

About a week ago I left with Olivia and my Dad to go back to Utah too see my niece Vivianne be blessed at Church and also just to SEE Vivianne since I had yet to meet her. My Mom was already there, had been there for about 3 weeks so she could see the birth and then help Katie with 2 babies afterwards. Sadly I am a big idiot and forgot to bring my memory card along so I do not have any pictures of the Utah part of the trip or any pictures of little Vivi. My brother in law Ian was kind enough to let me have a few old memory cards he had laying around but I never got them into my camera in time to take any pictures....AKA I was too lazy to go get my camera out of the car. But we were really only there one day...not even really a whole day. We blew into town around 9pm got up for church at 8...came back to the house for a little luncheon and were back on the road Idaho bound by 5pm. I would have liked to stay longer, I know Katie wanted me there longer but taking a bus with Olivia from Provo Utah to Rigby Idaho later in the week sounded like a nightmare.

But enough about that....about Vivianne. It has yet to really be confirmed to me if her name is pronounced "Vivian" or "Vivi-anne"...it is spelled as Vivianne but I don't think it is meant to really hear the "anne", in it. Ask my mother "LeeAnne" and she will tell you it's Vivi-anne. Who knows? At any rate she is a teeny tiny little lady! I mean I know Olivia was at least a pound bigger than Vivianne at birth but really when I was handed this little niece of mine all I could think of was how truly miniature she is!!! All I could say is "I don't ever remember Olivia being this small"...to which my mother kindly reminded me, "That's because Olivia was NEVER this small". Yeah, yeah...we all know I had a fatty fat baby at 7 pounds 2 ounces when we left the hospital, and I'm pretty sure that in most standards that is considered normal or even small but in Nana's world...that was a BIG BABY!!!! Anyways Vivianne is so teenie and had little teenie features and a light dusting of strawberry blonde hair which more resembles the little fur most babies still have on their body when they are born. When she was born and I saw pictures of her I didn't see any resemblance to her big brother Liam but when I held her I could see her little mouth and nose and chin were almost identical.

It was crazy with a capitol "cuh" to hold her...I felt like she must be the world's tiniest baby! Probably because my own baby was thundering around at a whopping 30 pounds trying to boss poor Liam around. I think you also forget how kinda uneventful holding a newborn is...not that I didn't love holding her. But they really...don't...do...anything! Their eyelids flutter in and out of consciousness and occasionally they make little noises. I don't know what I was expecting...I guess maybe I was hoping she'd give me a big smile or laugh. I changed her diaper a few times and that you also forget about...how drawn in those legs are...it's like a struggle to get the diaper on...not to mention that they hate being naked and seem rather frantic during diaper changes. There was also a moment that Olivia was in the room while we were changing the baby into jammies and the poor baby was freaking out...flailing of arms, screams and wails and Olivia looked like she was starring in a horror movie! She started crying uncontrollably, asking me if the baby was sick or hurt and to please help the baby she is hurt mama. I think she thought Katie was torturing the baby, ha ha. But it took a good 10 minutes to calm Olivia down and assure her that her cousin Vivianne was just fine! I also thought Olivia would be more interested in Vivianne...but she was more interested in stealing Liam's toys and following Unky Ian around. I never knew she had such an affinity for Uncle Ian...not that she shouldn't...but she doesn't really know him that well. But she was his little shadow for a good while when we first arrived. Maybe because Ian kinda has similar features to Mitchell or to Olivia's Uncle Mike...I don't know? Anyways it was a quick visit filled with a lot of family I had not seen in a while and I do wish I could have stayed longer.

Next we headed to my brother Eric's house in Rigby Idaho. You know what's funny is that Rigby Idaho is practically Rexburg Idaho where I went to BYUI or Ricks College, as it was called back then, and I don't think I was particularly fond of the area when I was there. But I love going to Eric's house. I love all the animals you see just driving around the block, I love how there are rarely any fences in the yards, I love the water rushing down the canals that supply the water to all the neighboring farms. I don't know if I would ever want to live in the area again like I did for a year when I was a freshman in college...but I certainly enjoy visiting. It really is pretty in the summer and fall up there. Anyways Olivia was in heaven with all the cousins and random neighborhood kids that were always around. She would have spent the entire week in the Little Tikes Cozy Coupe if I let her. Poor Abe it was his birthday present and she commandeered the little vehicle for the majority of the trip! Good thing he knows how to share...she is...well learning I suppose.

Talk about a busy week!!! I don't know how Rochelle (my sis in law) does it! There is school and piano lessons and football practice and cub scouts and football games and zumba class. She is always go-go-going!!!! I would die, there would be days I'm sure I would just sit in the car and cry. Being a naturally pretty lazy person I can't imagine having every day filled with obligations and schedules of having to be here at this time or that time, not to mention making breakfast, lunch and dinner. There was one day that I took Olivia over to the elementary school to have lunch with Kamren, came home to give Olivia a nap, when she got up we went to watch football practice then hurried over to the church for cub scouts and then Rochelle had to run to the school for back to school night and asked me if I could get dinner going. We got home to the enchiladas that had been put in the oven before we left for football practice being ready and trying to get all the kids settled and at dinner and hopefully eating...I felt so confused I was so jumbled around mentally from the long day...and she does this EVERY DAY!!!!! Oh and then after bathing the little kids and putting them to bed we ran off to an hour and a half of Zumba class! Whoa!!!! WHOA!





Olivia had an awesome time going to Rigby Lake, Riding Cisco the horse 2 times, feeding the chickens, collecting eggs from the chickens, riding in the cozy coupe all over the driveway, coloring, playing with David's Mater Tooth cars (any car from 'Cars' is Mater Tooth), reading books she had never read before, going to the Rexburg DI whoop whoop, watching football practice, going to 4th grade to have lunch with Kamren, going to see the Winnie the Pooh movie, having pancakes for breakfast, going to Swan Valley for Square Ice Cream, Applebees, etc etc. And I had fun just "hanging out" with the family and getting to dress Abe everyday which apparently is something to be proud of!!!! And I did enjoy Zumba...even though I did feel like an idiot the whole time!

Thanks Eric, Rochelle, Robbie, Kamren, David, Abe, the chickens, Star the Cat and of course Cisco the horse!!!! Thanks for letting me sleep in your room boys!!! And thanks Katie and Ian for having me, thank-you Vivianne for being born!!!!!! Thanks Mom and Dad for driving me even though I complained just about 95% of the time on the way home...hey I was sick give me a break!!!!!

The END!!!!!!!