Let me ask you a hypothetical question. If you are stressed out or worked up or worried and someone tells you "Hey calm down"...does this actually calm you down? Okay let's apply this to my life recently. First let's establish that once again my doctor's appointment yesterday landed me at the hospital for yet another blood pressure monitoring and non-stress test. If you remember about 2 weeks ago I was at the hospital for exactly the same thing. Okay so pretend you are me yesterday going to your doctor's appointment knowing they would be taking your blood pressure, knowing that if it was high they would freak out and probably do something crazy like send me to the hospital again. So there I am driving to the appointment freaking out telling myself to be calm, think about the baby, think about Olivia's face, be calm, have a low blood pressure. As I exit the freeway and the light turns green I start out into the intersection and some old man is barrelling towards me in his Toyota Landcrusier..."Is he going to stop, OMG he is going to hit me, OMG how do I brace myself, he is going to hit me right in the baby"...he, by some grace of God, realizes he is running a red light and stops just in time to not hit me. So I am all shaken up and flustered and get to the doctor's office knowing full well I am going to have a blood pressure reading through the roof. I get into the exam room and the physician assistant person tells me "Oh the doctor is going to do a pelvic exam, so after we take your blood pressure and weigh you go ahead and change into the gown"....this does nothing to help my already frazzled nerves, a pelvic exam? Urghhhhhh really? Gross. She takes my blood pressure and as can be expected 140/102....AWESOME. "I'm really nervous right now" I tell her. She says "oh well that's pretty high, let's check your weight and then we will do another reading". As expected it came down a little, but not much 139/100. The doctor comes in a bit later and asks me "So with your first child did you experience high blood pressure towards the end of your pregnancy".
So I can see where this is going. You see I have what they call "White Coat Hypertension". Which is just a dumb way of saying I don't like doctors and doctors offices, I hate having my blood pressure taken it grosses me out to feel my arm pulsating and I freak out, thus raising my blood pressure. With Olivia the doctors were always trying to find something wrong, put me through tons of blood tests, urine tests, 24 hour collection of my urine tests convinced they would find some other problem besides my nerves for my high blood pressure readings, they never did find anything. They eventually had me taking my blood pressure at home where my readings were always totally normal. For some odd reason my blood pressure up until 2 weeks ago with this doctor were normal, I think it might have something to do with the fact that they take the blood pressure the old fashioned way instead of with one of those machines that makes you feel like a cobra is sucking the life out of your arm. Also since Mitch's surgery he has had to monitor his blood pressure at home and I have been taking mine as well just out of curiosity and again, always normal and actually lower than it has ever been. Maybe I have just become more calm about the whole thing...or so I thought until 2 weeks ago. I mean I used to freak out about my blood being drawn but after all the blood tests I had done with my "high blood pressure" with Olivia's pregnancy it doesn't really faze me anymore.
So after like the fastest pelvic exam in history, which btw was just fine with me, the doctor says "Well it may be nerves but this close to the end of your pregnancy we worry when the blood pressure rises and we don't want to take any chances. You are gonna hate me, but I am sending you to the hospital". GRRRRRRREAT!!!! Urghhhhhhhhh oh and of course he adds "and if the blood pressure stays high...you may be having a baby today". So I head home to get Mitchell and figure out a place to send Olivia for a few hours and we head to the hospital. Where once again I am strapped up to the monitors for a non stress test and they take my blood pressure every 10 minutes for like 2 hours and once again everything is fine. I mean it was kinda nice to be Olivia free for a few hours and get to watch TV since we don't have cable...and I got a pretty good chicken caesar salad out of the deal. But now what? I know myself very well...I know this blood pressure thing is going to stress me out and therefore cause it to be high every time I enter that exam room! And since I am officially 9 months pregnant I will be going to the doctor once a week. Are they gonna send me to the hospital every time? I mean honestly if I am gonna have to go through all this hullabaloo every time...why not just induce me already!!!!
But not until after my baby shower and my mother gets home from visiting Idaho...and not on September 11th....for obvious reasons!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
So many things I don't remember
First let me say.....I'm exhausted!!!! Again I realize there are far many more people than me that have been pregnant while already having way more children when I just have the one...but geez seriously, I AM SO FREAKING TIRED!!!! I don't know how it's possible to be pregnant and also have to be a parent to more than one child cause Olivia is wearing me out!!!! Some days, like today, I feel myself silently praying to whoever might be listening "Please grant me the serenity to not murder my three year old today!!!!" Okay not actually murder but you know three is a rough age and she is driving me off the edge of sanity it seems within minutes of her waking up in the morning! She is what you might call a very "spirited" child. She asks thousands of questions, she never stops talking, she is very needy, she is dramatic, sensitive, bossy, she is demanding and impatient and definitely her father's daughter. Don't get me wrong, she is extremely smart, very funny, lovable, and can be very sweet...but she is sooooooo precocious and definitely a handful!!!! Huh sounds just like her father now, lol. But the point being I don't find myself with an abundance of patience these days...wow I wouldn't even go that far...I DON'T FIND MYSELF WITH ANY PATIENCE these days is probably a more accurate description. And I find myself so baffled by so many things with this pregnancy. So many things I don't remember from the first time. And here they are in no specific order;
1. I don't remember feeling so completely exhausted in the last trimester. I mean I'm sure I was...but the level of exhaustion this time around feels cruel and unusual.
2. I don't remember waking up in the last month feeling like I must have drank an entire liquor cabinet. I feel hungover, EVERYDAY!!!! Blah, achey, headachy, nauseated, hot, sweaty...you name it.
3. I don't remember feeling like all my internal organs were falling out of me by the end of the night. Seriously by 7 pm it feels like not only could a baby just drop out of me at any time...by the entire contents of my body!!!
4. I don't remember my belly feeling so itchy!!!! My skin feeling like it was on the brink of tearing apart!
And here is what is the same, the things I do remember
1. The peeing
2. The heartburn
3. The back ache
4. The feeling like a turtle stuck on it's back when trying to get out of bed or off the couch
5. The feeling like you can't breathe, the diminished lung capacity.
Man I don't want to complain but then again it's my blog and so you are probably fairly used to my whining, bitching and moaning by now...But I'm so tired. I just wish I would be put into some sort of medically induced coma until little guy is born. Because even in the times when I could be sleeping I am so uncomfortable I can't sleep anyway! That and I don't know how I will ever be pregnant again because then I will have two little energy sucking vampire children to contend with...not to mention the one in utereo. Dear whoever is in charge of assigning personalities in children....PLEASE LET THIS CHILD BE MORE MELLOW THAN HIS OLDER SISTER!!!!! I mean he doesn't even have to be that much more mellow...just generally less intense than Olivia cause she is crazy, lol!!!!!!!
It's the final countdown!!!!!!!!! Really can you believe that at the most this baby boy will be here in like a month and at the least like 2 weeks.....
2 FREAKING WEEKS!!!!! Okay seriously I don't wanna go to 40 weeks but 37 weeks seems too soon....how about 38 weeks...or 38 and 1/2 weeks?
1. I don't remember feeling so completely exhausted in the last trimester. I mean I'm sure I was...but the level of exhaustion this time around feels cruel and unusual.
2. I don't remember waking up in the last month feeling like I must have drank an entire liquor cabinet. I feel hungover, EVERYDAY!!!! Blah, achey, headachy, nauseated, hot, sweaty...you name it.
3. I don't remember feeling like all my internal organs were falling out of me by the end of the night. Seriously by 7 pm it feels like not only could a baby just drop out of me at any time...by the entire contents of my body!!!
4. I don't remember my belly feeling so itchy!!!! My skin feeling like it was on the brink of tearing apart!
And here is what is the same, the things I do remember
1. The peeing
2. The heartburn
3. The back ache
4. The feeling like a turtle stuck on it's back when trying to get out of bed or off the couch
5. The feeling like you can't breathe, the diminished lung capacity.
Man I don't want to complain but then again it's my blog and so you are probably fairly used to my whining, bitching and moaning by now...But I'm so tired. I just wish I would be put into some sort of medically induced coma until little guy is born. Because even in the times when I could be sleeping I am so uncomfortable I can't sleep anyway! That and I don't know how I will ever be pregnant again because then I will have two little energy sucking vampire children to contend with...not to mention the one in utereo. Dear whoever is in charge of assigning personalities in children....PLEASE LET THIS CHILD BE MORE MELLOW THAN HIS OLDER SISTER!!!!! I mean he doesn't even have to be that much more mellow...just generally less intense than Olivia cause she is crazy, lol!!!!!!!
It's the final countdown!!!!!!!!! Really can you believe that at the most this baby boy will be here in like a month and at the least like 2 weeks.....
2 FREAKING WEEKS!!!!! Okay seriously I don't wanna go to 40 weeks but 37 weeks seems too soon....how about 38 weeks...or 38 and 1/2 weeks?
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Home Stretch
So we are almost done with being pregnant...Hooray!!!!!! I can't say that I enjoy being pregnant...I want to enjoy it, I really want to be one of those people. I really tried this time to enjoy it because I didn't enjoy Olivia's pregnancy at all and still feel guilty about it. But there was so much going on during this pregnancy that it almost didn't even seem real until like May/June. And then mid June is when I found out about the Gestational Diabetes and that definitely put a damper on the whole thing. The first trimester I felt really tired and crappy and no one knew I was pregnant except for my mom and Mitch. Then by the second trimester we were dealing with all the Mitchell's heart surgery stuff and Grandma died. Then the third trimester has been "highlighted" and "defined" by DIABETES. I guess such is life. Things don't just stop and appreciate you because you feel like something special is happening. It would have been a little nice to feel like something was about me for a change. Does that sound like whining, very middle child-esque? Well whatever I don't care, it's my blog lol. NOTHING IS EVER ABOUT ME!!!!!!! Which most of the time I'm okay with, I don't like to be the center of attention...but man, not that this pregnancy was a planned thing but I was really hoping this time it would be different. And I guess it has been different than it was with Olivia...but I don't know if it was different in such a way to classify it as better?
With Olivia it was all about being freaked out that my parents were going to kill me or disown me and daily doses of guilt from any family member who talked to me about how I needed to get married before she was born. Mitch's family was very excited and supportive but at the same time everyone over there had this undertone of "worrying about Mitch". Not overwhelming him, oh the stress he must be under that is causing him to, at times, act less than thrilled and supportive about the whole thing. "Oh poor Mitchell". Even I worried about not stressing Mitchell out, not overwhelming him. He had just graduated from college he was having trouble finding a job, we moved in with his parents when I was 6 months pregnant and he definitely was not expecting to be having a baby at that point in life. However, either was I and it was "happening" to me only at that point. I didn't know what to do with my own stress about it and held it in most of the time. Once and a while I would have some sort of emotional breakdown in front of Mitch to which I would be rather insensitively called "crazy", "psycho"...you know any sort of cliche about female hormones. I would find myself often being the one to apologize by the end of it...you know as to not "stress Mitchell out". I think because of Mitchell's heart problems as a baby/child and then dealing with all the stress of his ADHD growing up, his parents are super protective of him and gets away with a lot of unsavory behavior he wouldn't otherwise. Thus the whole effort to "not stress him out too much", not laying down any sort of hammer to "man up", so to speak. Looking back at this now I feel really torn between feeling angry that no one really cared or asked how this whole thing was affecting me and also feeling sympathetic to all the stress a guy must feel to automatically be the "breadwinner" and "provider". I also feel annoyed with myself that I felt the need to appear ambivalent and stoic about the whole thing..."don't let anyone see how really freaked out and scared you are, somebody has got to be calm about it". I mean Mitch and I had been together a long time but at the time I got pregnant things were not exactly in the "honeymoon" period...so the idea of just getting married just because I was pregnant was the last thing on his mind and was only really on my mind because of all the pressure I felt from my family.
It was a stressful period of time and in retrospect moving back to Sacramento and in with his family did nothing to help our already shakey relationship. It was nice to not have to worry about rent and food and being able to afford things, it was more than generous for his parents to have provided that for us. But I had a good job and I would have kept working until close to the baby being born and I'm sure Mitch would have found something eventually. We would have had to find another place to live for sure and it would have been really hard but when you move back in with parents...it kinda makes you act and behave like a child again...which didn't help that we were supposed to be "adults" having a baby. It would have been better to have stayed in Santa Barbara and worked it out ourselves because having parents involved, little sisters involved, anyone in earshot involved in any fight or argument or anything and everything really was a NIGHTMARE...and not just for us, I know it was a nightmare for the rest of the people living at the house as well.
Anyways so when I found out I was pregnant this time around I was a little apprehensive to tell everyone....I mean we are still not married but at least we are living under one roof and supporting ourselves and have been for the past 2 1/2 years and we were in a much better place as far as our relationship goes. I mean it wasn't planned to get pregnant especially in light of hearing back in October Mitch would be having some serious medical stuff going on in the coming months...but I think we both wanted to Olivia to have a sibling relatively soon. And not a whole lot was being done to avoid pregnancy. We also both knew we would be married "sometime" in the future. At this point it just feels like a huge pain in the ass that we are not married yet and the how, what, where and when is still pretty exhausting to think about. The pregnancy was still a surprise but not a shock like the first time. I was nervous but happy and excited that maybe this time things would be more normal and I could just be pregnant and happy. And for the most part things have been pretty pleasant...but I would not say the past 8 months have been normal by any means. Most focus from October until April was on the surgery Mitch would be having and doctor appointments and stress tests and blood tests and all kinds of things...then afterwards it was all about recovery and how was he doing/feeling etc etc. He couldn't do a whole lot and so it was up to me to take care of everything around the house and with Olivia which was fine and I was used to for the most part anyway but lugging Olivia around in my second trimester was getting harder and more back breaking since Mitch couldn't lift her.
Once things started to go back to normal with what Mitch could do he got layed off his job before he could even go back to work, then Grandma died and then came the diabetes and then a whirlwind of Benveniste events...Graduation, baby showers, baby being born, someone else announcing pregnancy, a wedding. Things have been GO! GO! GO! Which since becoming a more intimate part of the Benveniste family some 4 years ago...really this seems to be the way things go with them. Probably because there are so many of them...that there is always something happening...rarely a lull in activity, whether it be happy events, sad events, stressful events. Which is fun and exhausting and at times stressful and definitely something that takes getting used to having grown up with only 2 siblings spaced far apart. Other than definitely knowing when Dad was in a "bad mood"...the whole neighborhood probably could hear his "bad moods"... we were pretty much sheltered from any sort of stress my parents may have been dealing with personally, they still keep most of their strains and worries to themselves even though we are all adults. Anyways there has been so much going on that a lot of the time I don't think people even remember I'm pregnant, lol. Which is fine I don't need to feel worshipped or honored or anything, especially since this is my second pregnancy...but it would be nice to at least feel that way by Mitchell once in a while.
I mean I don't want to bag on Mitchell...and I know I tend to...but anyone who knows Mitchell and knows him well knows that he is just sort of oblivious to a lot of things most of the time. I don't feel like it's bagging on him to point it out, especially when anyone I might "bag" on him to knows him and knows exactly what I'm talking about. He has ADHD, he takes no medication for it, can't take any because of his heart and it really does cause him to be rather self-centered, forgetful, and clueless a lot of the time. I'm not making excuses for him and anyone who doesn't believe ADHD is a real thing just needs to spend like a week with Mitchell to know that IT IS VERY VERY REAL. He can control it, it's not like he's some out of control weirdo. But he has to be reminded of a lot of things, asked to do things cause he doesn't just do them unless it's something for himself and I am not exaggerating when I say that at times it really feels like I have 2 kids to deal with...not just Olivia. He had gotten better but I would say most of the time the fact that I'm pregnant, like heavily pregnant slips his mind. He will still try to tickle me or jump out and scare me or see me struggling to clean something or pick up toys and doesn't really offer to help unless I ask...I'm tired of asking!!!!
I guess as I am nearing the end of this pregnancy I feel a mixed emotion of "Thank God it's almost over I'm tired of all this pregnancy crap" as well as "I can't believe it's almost over and I don't feel like I cherished it at all...I didn't take pictures, I didn't take time to feel amazed by what was going on inside me, I don't have much time left I need to appreciate it now".....appreciate the last month of pregnancy....HA that is laughable!!!! It's like the worst month!!!!! Also the world is nicer to pregnant women...I feel like I have not gotten my fair share of adoring looks from grandmothers and doors held open for me. It's like once that baby is out...everyone forgets that YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DID ALL THE WORK TO MAKE THAT BABY AND THEN SQUEEZE IT. All of a sudden it's all about the baby...which I suppose is good, people are less likely to notice your flabby belly and spit up stains all over your clothes and your shirt looking all unkempt from pulling it up to breastfeed.
So I guess in the meantime I am declaring to the world;
LOL
With Olivia it was all about being freaked out that my parents were going to kill me or disown me and daily doses of guilt from any family member who talked to me about how I needed to get married before she was born. Mitch's family was very excited and supportive but at the same time everyone over there had this undertone of "worrying about Mitch". Not overwhelming him, oh the stress he must be under that is causing him to, at times, act less than thrilled and supportive about the whole thing. "Oh poor Mitchell". Even I worried about not stressing Mitchell out, not overwhelming him. He had just graduated from college he was having trouble finding a job, we moved in with his parents when I was 6 months pregnant and he definitely was not expecting to be having a baby at that point in life. However, either was I and it was "happening" to me only at that point. I didn't know what to do with my own stress about it and held it in most of the time. Once and a while I would have some sort of emotional breakdown in front of Mitch to which I would be rather insensitively called "crazy", "psycho"...you know any sort of cliche about female hormones. I would find myself often being the one to apologize by the end of it...you know as to not "stress Mitchell out". I think because of Mitchell's heart problems as a baby/child and then dealing with all the stress of his ADHD growing up, his parents are super protective of him and gets away with a lot of unsavory behavior he wouldn't otherwise. Thus the whole effort to "not stress him out too much", not laying down any sort of hammer to "man up", so to speak. Looking back at this now I feel really torn between feeling angry that no one really cared or asked how this whole thing was affecting me and also feeling sympathetic to all the stress a guy must feel to automatically be the "breadwinner" and "provider". I also feel annoyed with myself that I felt the need to appear ambivalent and stoic about the whole thing..."don't let anyone see how really freaked out and scared you are, somebody has got to be calm about it". I mean Mitch and I had been together a long time but at the time I got pregnant things were not exactly in the "honeymoon" period...so the idea of just getting married just because I was pregnant was the last thing on his mind and was only really on my mind because of all the pressure I felt from my family.
It was a stressful period of time and in retrospect moving back to Sacramento and in with his family did nothing to help our already shakey relationship. It was nice to not have to worry about rent and food and being able to afford things, it was more than generous for his parents to have provided that for us. But I had a good job and I would have kept working until close to the baby being born and I'm sure Mitch would have found something eventually. We would have had to find another place to live for sure and it would have been really hard but when you move back in with parents...it kinda makes you act and behave like a child again...which didn't help that we were supposed to be "adults" having a baby. It would have been better to have stayed in Santa Barbara and worked it out ourselves because having parents involved, little sisters involved, anyone in earshot involved in any fight or argument or anything and everything really was a NIGHTMARE...and not just for us, I know it was a nightmare for the rest of the people living at the house as well.
Anyways so when I found out I was pregnant this time around I was a little apprehensive to tell everyone....I mean we are still not married but at least we are living under one roof and supporting ourselves and have been for the past 2 1/2 years and we were in a much better place as far as our relationship goes. I mean it wasn't planned to get pregnant especially in light of hearing back in October Mitch would be having some serious medical stuff going on in the coming months...but I think we both wanted to Olivia to have a sibling relatively soon. And not a whole lot was being done to avoid pregnancy. We also both knew we would be married "sometime" in the future. At this point it just feels like a huge pain in the ass that we are not married yet and the how, what, where and when is still pretty exhausting to think about. The pregnancy was still a surprise but not a shock like the first time. I was nervous but happy and excited that maybe this time things would be more normal and I could just be pregnant and happy. And for the most part things have been pretty pleasant...but I would not say the past 8 months have been normal by any means. Most focus from October until April was on the surgery Mitch would be having and doctor appointments and stress tests and blood tests and all kinds of things...then afterwards it was all about recovery and how was he doing/feeling etc etc. He couldn't do a whole lot and so it was up to me to take care of everything around the house and with Olivia which was fine and I was used to for the most part anyway but lugging Olivia around in my second trimester was getting harder and more back breaking since Mitch couldn't lift her.
Once things started to go back to normal with what Mitch could do he got layed off his job before he could even go back to work, then Grandma died and then came the diabetes and then a whirlwind of Benveniste events...Graduation, baby showers, baby being born, someone else announcing pregnancy, a wedding. Things have been GO! GO! GO! Which since becoming a more intimate part of the Benveniste family some 4 years ago...really this seems to be the way things go with them. Probably because there are so many of them...that there is always something happening...rarely a lull in activity, whether it be happy events, sad events, stressful events. Which is fun and exhausting and at times stressful and definitely something that takes getting used to having grown up with only 2 siblings spaced far apart. Other than definitely knowing when Dad was in a "bad mood"...the whole neighborhood probably could hear his "bad moods"... we were pretty much sheltered from any sort of stress my parents may have been dealing with personally, they still keep most of their strains and worries to themselves even though we are all adults. Anyways there has been so much going on that a lot of the time I don't think people even remember I'm pregnant, lol. Which is fine I don't need to feel worshipped or honored or anything, especially since this is my second pregnancy...but it would be nice to at least feel that way by Mitchell once in a while.
I mean I don't want to bag on Mitchell...and I know I tend to...but anyone who knows Mitchell and knows him well knows that he is just sort of oblivious to a lot of things most of the time. I don't feel like it's bagging on him to point it out, especially when anyone I might "bag" on him to knows him and knows exactly what I'm talking about. He has ADHD, he takes no medication for it, can't take any because of his heart and it really does cause him to be rather self-centered, forgetful, and clueless a lot of the time. I'm not making excuses for him and anyone who doesn't believe ADHD is a real thing just needs to spend like a week with Mitchell to know that IT IS VERY VERY REAL. He can control it, it's not like he's some out of control weirdo. But he has to be reminded of a lot of things, asked to do things cause he doesn't just do them unless it's something for himself and I am not exaggerating when I say that at times it really feels like I have 2 kids to deal with...not just Olivia. He had gotten better but I would say most of the time the fact that I'm pregnant, like heavily pregnant slips his mind. He will still try to tickle me or jump out and scare me or see me struggling to clean something or pick up toys and doesn't really offer to help unless I ask...I'm tired of asking!!!!
I guess as I am nearing the end of this pregnancy I feel a mixed emotion of "Thank God it's almost over I'm tired of all this pregnancy crap" as well as "I can't believe it's almost over and I don't feel like I cherished it at all...I didn't take pictures, I didn't take time to feel amazed by what was going on inside me, I don't have much time left I need to appreciate it now".....appreciate the last month of pregnancy....HA that is laughable!!!! It's like the worst month!!!!! Also the world is nicer to pregnant women...I feel like I have not gotten my fair share of adoring looks from grandmothers and doors held open for me. It's like once that baby is out...everyone forgets that YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DID ALL THE WORK TO MAKE THAT BABY AND THEN SQUEEZE IT. All of a sudden it's all about the baby...which I suppose is good, people are less likely to notice your flabby belly and spit up stains all over your clothes and your shirt looking all unkempt from pulling it up to breastfeed.
So I guess in the meantime I am declaring to the world;
APPRECIATE ME, NOTICE ME, ADORE ME WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!!!
LOL
Saturday, August 18, 2012
"I'll carry you home, tonight"
So are you familiar with the song by the band FUN called "We are young". I remember hearing it on Glee like a million years ago and thinking it was kinda a strange song...seemed almost like a song you would hear in a play or something, at least covered by Glee. So the other day on the way to a doctors appointment all alone driving in the car the song came on the Radio and I thought, "Oh yeah I really like this song"and began to sing along. About a minute into the song I start tearing up and then crying and then sobbing...full blown sobbing while driving on the freeway. Now being close to nine months pregnant it doesn't take a whole lot to make me cry...whether it be from sentiment, happiness, tiredness, anger, frustration, impatience...tears are really easy to come by in this pregnancy...more so than with Olivia. Then I thought, "why am I crying"...then I thought this isn't the first time I have cried when hearing this song...what is the deal?
Then I thought I hardly ever hear this song on the Radio in Sacramento...but it is on constantly in the Bay Area radio stations. Having been back and forth so much to the Bay Area in the last 5 months I know the radio selections pretty well. I mean it's a good song, I like it...I get excited when I hear it on the radio at home...which isn't all that often because I hardly ever drive myself anywhere alone and Mitch hardly ever plays the Radio in the car. Why am I so familiar with this song? Why does this song make me emotional? Then I remember the times I heard it the most and it was driving back and forth to the hospital in San Francisco when Mitchell was recovering from his surgery. I remembered the first time I drove myself all alone up to the hospital to spend the entire day with Mitchell, just me and him after his surgery was over.This was probably day 2 after the surgery and Sue had said she would take Olivia for the day so I could stay with Mitch the whole day. I was really excited to see him even though he would probably sleep the whole time. Just seeing he was okay even if he was asleep was reassuring. I don't like to be emotional in front of other people...which doesn't mean I didn't get emotional in front of everyone that week. However all alone in the car while that song played on the radio a wave of emotion unlike anything I have probably felt in my life washed over me.
Relief, sadness, worry, exhaustion, love...the sum of all the emotions leading up to the surgery in the months before just poured out of me...in long sobbing heaves. I couldn't believe it was over, I couldn't believe it had happened, I couldn't believe everything turned out so well, I couldn't believe I had experienced something so intense with someone I loved, I couldn't believe it...that's just how it felt, shock. It felt like since the moment "open heart surgery" had been layed out on the table...I had metaphorically been holding my breath and the crying, sobbing tears was like finally catching my breath, finally taking in air for the first time in 7 months. It's so strange to have so much time leading up to the surgery and then having it all be over in a matter of 3-4 hours. In a way it feels like "that's it, it's over, he's still alive. All these months I have been worried and anticipating this huge event and now the doctor is telling me it's all done"...it kinda feels like that can't be it. And in reality it's not and it wasn't because recovery is a process but the main event....the feature presentation so to speak, was done and it just feels too quick and easy to be true. It's like just because the surgery was over it takes a while for you to mentally keep up and realize it's all done. Even now when I think about the surgery and seeing him after the surgery I can't help but get emotional...it still feels too quick to be over with.
So I guess Fun's "We are young" will forever be my anthem of Mitchell's surgery. I guess it brings out emotions that are easy to forget about with everything that has happened since and everything that is happening now and everything that will be happening in the next 4-5 weeks! We are having a baby!!!! It's crazy right? And even when he is driving me crazy because he is just being "Mitchell"...I can't say I don't love him with all my heart and I am so thankful that his heart is beating!!!!
I love you Mitchell forever and always...even when you leave dishes on the counters, or are being an obnoxious back seat driver, or shoving me in the middle of the night to tell me I'm snoring, or just generally being your crazy self...I can't imagine sharing my life and my children with anyone else!
Then I thought I hardly ever hear this song on the Radio in Sacramento...but it is on constantly in the Bay Area radio stations. Having been back and forth so much to the Bay Area in the last 5 months I know the radio selections pretty well. I mean it's a good song, I like it...I get excited when I hear it on the radio at home...which isn't all that often because I hardly ever drive myself anywhere alone and Mitch hardly ever plays the Radio in the car. Why am I so familiar with this song? Why does this song make me emotional? Then I remember the times I heard it the most and it was driving back and forth to the hospital in San Francisco when Mitchell was recovering from his surgery. I remembered the first time I drove myself all alone up to the hospital to spend the entire day with Mitchell, just me and him after his surgery was over.This was probably day 2 after the surgery and Sue had said she would take Olivia for the day so I could stay with Mitch the whole day. I was really excited to see him even though he would probably sleep the whole time. Just seeing he was okay even if he was asleep was reassuring. I don't like to be emotional in front of other people...which doesn't mean I didn't get emotional in front of everyone that week. However all alone in the car while that song played on the radio a wave of emotion unlike anything I have probably felt in my life washed over me.
Relief, sadness, worry, exhaustion, love...the sum of all the emotions leading up to the surgery in the months before just poured out of me...in long sobbing heaves. I couldn't believe it was over, I couldn't believe it had happened, I couldn't believe everything turned out so well, I couldn't believe I had experienced something so intense with someone I loved, I couldn't believe it...that's just how it felt, shock. It felt like since the moment "open heart surgery" had been layed out on the table...I had metaphorically been holding my breath and the crying, sobbing tears was like finally catching my breath, finally taking in air for the first time in 7 months. It's so strange to have so much time leading up to the surgery and then having it all be over in a matter of 3-4 hours. In a way it feels like "that's it, it's over, he's still alive. All these months I have been worried and anticipating this huge event and now the doctor is telling me it's all done"...it kinda feels like that can't be it. And in reality it's not and it wasn't because recovery is a process but the main event....the feature presentation so to speak, was done and it just feels too quick and easy to be true. It's like just because the surgery was over it takes a while for you to mentally keep up and realize it's all done. Even now when I think about the surgery and seeing him after the surgery I can't help but get emotional...it still feels too quick to be over with.
(Mitch about 3 days after surgery)
So I guess Fun's "We are young" will forever be my anthem of Mitchell's surgery. I guess it brings out emotions that are easy to forget about with everything that has happened since and everything that is happening now and everything that will be happening in the next 4-5 weeks! We are having a baby!!!! It's crazy right? And even when he is driving me crazy because he is just being "Mitchell"...I can't say I don't love him with all my heart and I am so thankful that his heart is beating!!!!
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