I am feeling...depressed today. And the recognition of that depressed feeling makes me even more depressed. Being someone who has struggled with "depression" before the fact that I feel it rolling in slowly like storm clouds, isn't too reassuring. I remember reading Prozac Nation and the author likened depression to a quote in The Sun Also Rises. Someone asked the main character how he went bankrupt and he answered "gradually then suddenly". She said that's how depression hits "gradually... then suddenly" and it's such a great analogy because it really is true. You start to feel foggy and then all of a sudden you realize you're surrounded in a thick haze and you can't see 3 feet in front of you. It's probably due to all that's going on in my life and the fact that Olivia has been crazy irritable and super needy lately has not helped the matter. So should we play catch up? I don't really like to discuss things in my life that pertain Mitchell and I but I can't really explain how I am feeling with an explanation. Okay....
Here is the abbreviated version;
June 2008 Mitch graduated from UCSB
June 2008 Mitch and I got pregnant.
October 2008 we told our parents and they suggested we move home. Mitch's parents said we could live with them until Mitch could get a job. I was working at the hotel full time and making pretty good money and although the idea of moving back home was appealing I did not want to quit my job. I did not want to put the burden of supporting us solely on Mitchell. He said it would be okay, his parents said it would be okay...I knew it probably wasn't going to be okay but I agreed I would quit my job and we would move in with his parents in November.
November 2008 we move in and Mitch begins working on and off for his Dad. It isn't consistant work, a week or two here and a week there...much needed money but not secure enough to move out on our own. I tried to find a part-time job, I applied a couple of places but nobody called back and who would hire a pregnant woman?
January 2009 no more work at his Dad's work and he begins to look for a job with no success.
February 2009 heavily pregnant...ready to pop...baby showers, birthing classes etc. Mitch still no job
March 2009 Mitch gets a temp job with Wachovia Financial...they pay alright but not enough to make having a college degree and 5 additional AA degrees feel worth it...whatever.
April 2009 Mitch hates his job, we are new parents to lil Livia
May 2009 Mitch hates his job and we are starting to figure the parenting stuff out
June 2009 Mitch hates his job, sister Megan graduates High School, sister Ashley moves back in as well
July 2009 more chaos than usual due to more people and Megan also being out of school
August 2009 ditto and Mitch also gets laid off. So he is now home full time to harass and irritate sisters...chaos, chaos, chaos, fighting, fighting, fighting
September 2009 a delicate talking to about how it might be a good idea to find an alternative place of residence. At least the talk to me was delicate...They spoke to Mitch separately, I don't know how that went.
Late September 2009...yesterday...Olivia and I moved in with my parents.
You can't blame them for asking us to move on. I mean we were there way longer than I'm sure they expected. Way longer than I expected that's for sure. I remember a conversation with my Dad about a month before Olivia was due and he asked me how it was going to be living with everyone and the baby. I felt sort of shocked. I always thought we would be out of there before she was born and I was also in a little bit of denial about the fact that I was going to give birth in 4 short weeks. But seeing how Mitch did not really have any steady income and I don't think he was all that jazzed about moving out anyways (Mama's boy)I guess it was a valid conclusion to draw that we would most likely still be there once she was born. Then there was all the freaking out about that.
Would I be able to bond with my baby?
Would I ever be able to be alone with my baby?
How would I be able to deal with people constantly looking over my shoulder when it came to my mothering skills?
It's so loud at their house, would the baby be able to sleep?
Would the dogs bark everytime she cried?
Would the dogs be aggressive towards her?
Would she keep the whole house awake when she wakes up every 2 hours?
Would People interfere?
etc
etc
All my worries were for nought. They totally allowed me to spend as much time alone with her in my room as I wanted. They didn't interfere. The baby did fine with the noise (when she was little anyway). She slept as well as any newborn (erratic, sometimes good sometimes not). The dogs were fine, Bogie loved her and Zoe seemed disinterested. Her cry wasn't really loud enough to carry much farther than our room. In fact I rarely left the room and the baby spent most of her time tucked away in the bedroom. I found out later that the rest of the house found it kind of odd, maybe even rude? Worried that I might be depressed or anti-social. Well I did have a little bit of baby blues the first 2 weeks and well I have been anti-social my whole life soooo...IDK...I was exhausted and spent any free-time I had sleeping and getting the baby to nap usually took some major effort and if she was asleep...I wasn't about to move her, I didn't care if there was a national emergency..."my baby is sleeping".
Anyways those months were also riddled with about a once a month Emily/Mitchell blow-out fight and when you live in a house with 4 other people...well people get involved and people have opinions. The sisters usually always took my side and would start their own fight with Mitch about it and that led to parents having to intervene and well as you might imagine, kinda a nightmare for poor Tony and Sue. Oh and right after the baby was born Tony got diagnosed with "Valley Fever" and was sick and out of work for a few months and not even sure if he could return to work. Then Grandma Diana (frequent house guest) also had to go through a second round of Chemo during all of this as well. It just has been a crazy year for the Benvenistes to say the least. But they always made me feel like part of the family and never showed me anything but love and understanding. It baffles my mind that they were able to be loving and gracious enough to let me (not related) live with them. And despite anything that may have been going on to make life stressful I always loved living with them, I always felt at home with them.
But yeah anyways I am home. Mitch has until the end of next month to move out. And he is again working with his dad's employer and so hopefully he can make money for us to move out together sometime in the near future. And living at home is going to be fine and probably really good for Olivia and I both. But I don't enjoy change. So this is hard right now. And the being apart from Mitchell is hard. And the not seeing Ashley everyday is hard. And knowing that Olivia might be confused about the whole thing is hard. And knowing what to do in my free time is hard.
It will be good for Olivia to be with my family for a while. It will be good for my parents to be with Oliva for a while. It's peaceful at home. It's quiet at home. There is work-out equipment so maybe I can finally get my bum back in shape. Mom always buys me any food I want :). I am near the park so I can take Olivia for walks without a fear of being shot (Orangevale is well...questionable at best). It will be good, it will be fine and I am grateful for the opportunity to potentially improve my life. It's going to be an adjustment for all of us my parents, me, Olivia, Mitch and the Benvenistes...but hopefully it will be okay.
So in light of all of this I think I am allowed to feel a little sad...maybe even depressed
