With Olivia it was all about being freaked out that my parents were going to kill me or disown me and daily doses of guilt from any family member who talked to me about how I needed to get married before she was born. Mitch's family was very excited and supportive but at the same time everyone over there had this undertone of "worrying about Mitch". Not overwhelming him, oh the stress he must be under that is causing him to, at times, act less than thrilled and supportive about the whole thing. "Oh poor Mitchell". Even I worried about not stressing Mitchell out, not overwhelming him. He had just graduated from college he was having trouble finding a job, we moved in with his parents when I was 6 months pregnant and he definitely was not expecting to be having a baby at that point in life. However, either was I and it was "happening" to me only at that point. I didn't know what to do with my own stress about it and held it in most of the time. Once and a while I would have some sort of emotional breakdown in front of Mitch to which I would be rather insensitively called "crazy", "psycho"...you know any sort of cliche about female hormones. I would find myself often being the one to apologize by the end of it...you know as to not "stress Mitchell out". I think because of Mitchell's heart problems as a baby/child and then dealing with all the stress of his ADHD growing up, his parents are super protective of him and gets away with a lot of unsavory behavior he wouldn't otherwise. Thus the whole effort to "not stress him out too much", not laying down any sort of hammer to "man up", so to speak. Looking back at this now I feel really torn between feeling angry that no one really cared or asked how this whole thing was affecting me and also feeling sympathetic to all the stress a guy must feel to automatically be the "breadwinner" and "provider". I also feel annoyed with myself that I felt the need to appear ambivalent and stoic about the whole thing..."don't let anyone see how really freaked out and scared you are, somebody has got to be calm about it". I mean Mitch and I had been together a long time but at the time I got pregnant things were not exactly in the "honeymoon" period...so the idea of just getting married just because I was pregnant was the last thing on his mind and was only really on my mind because of all the pressure I felt from my family.
It was a stressful period of time and in retrospect moving back to Sacramento and in with his family did nothing to help our already shakey relationship. It was nice to not have to worry about rent and food and being able to afford things, it was more than generous for his parents to have provided that for us. But I had a good job and I would have kept working until close to the baby being born and I'm sure Mitch would have found something eventually. We would have had to find another place to live for sure and it would have been really hard but when you move back in with parents...it kinda makes you act and behave like a child again...which didn't help that we were supposed to be "adults" having a baby. It would have been better to have stayed in Santa Barbara and worked it out ourselves because having parents involved, little sisters involved, anyone in earshot involved in any fight or argument or anything and everything really was a NIGHTMARE...and not just for us, I know it was a nightmare for the rest of the people living at the house as well.
Anyways so when I found out I was pregnant this time around I was a little apprehensive to tell everyone....I mean we are still not married but at least we are living under one roof and supporting ourselves and have been for the past 2 1/2 years and we were in a much better place as far as our relationship goes. I mean it wasn't planned to get pregnant especially in light of hearing back in October Mitch would be having some serious medical stuff going on in the coming months...but I think we both wanted to Olivia to have a sibling relatively soon. And not a whole lot was being done to avoid pregnancy. We also both knew we would be married "sometime" in the future. At this point it just feels like a huge pain in the ass that we are not married yet and the how, what, where and when is still pretty exhausting to think about. The pregnancy was still a surprise but not a shock like the first time. I was nervous but happy and excited that maybe this time things would be more normal and I could just be pregnant and happy. And for the most part things have been pretty pleasant...but I would not say the past 8 months have been normal by any means. Most focus from October until April was on the surgery Mitch would be having and doctor appointments and stress tests and blood tests and all kinds of things...then afterwards it was all about recovery and how was he doing/feeling etc etc. He couldn't do a whole lot and so it was up to me to take care of everything around the house and with Olivia which was fine and I was used to for the most part anyway but lugging Olivia around in my second trimester was getting harder and more back breaking since Mitch couldn't lift her.
Once things started to go back to normal with what Mitch could do he got layed off his job before he could even go back to work, then Grandma died and then came the diabetes and then a whirlwind of Benveniste events...Graduation, baby showers, baby being born, someone else announcing pregnancy, a wedding. Things have been GO! GO! GO! Which since becoming a more intimate part of the Benveniste family some 4 years ago...really this seems to be the way things go with them. Probably because there are so many of them...that there is always something happening...rarely a lull in activity, whether it be happy events, sad events, stressful events. Which is fun and exhausting and at times stressful and definitely something that takes getting used to having grown up with only 2 siblings spaced far apart. Other than definitely knowing when Dad was in a "bad mood"...the whole neighborhood probably could hear his "bad moods"... we were pretty much sheltered from any sort of stress my parents may have been dealing with personally, they still keep most of their strains and worries to themselves even though we are all adults. Anyways there has been so much going on that a lot of the time I don't think people even remember I'm pregnant, lol. Which is fine I don't need to feel worshipped or honored or anything, especially since this is my second pregnancy...but it would be nice to at least feel that way by Mitchell once in a while.
I mean I don't want to bag on Mitchell...and I know I tend to...but anyone who knows Mitchell and knows him well knows that he is just sort of oblivious to a lot of things most of the time. I don't feel like it's bagging on him to point it out, especially when anyone I might "bag" on him to knows him and knows exactly what I'm talking about. He has ADHD, he takes no medication for it, can't take any because of his heart and it really does cause him to be rather self-centered, forgetful, and clueless a lot of the time. I'm not making excuses for him and anyone who doesn't believe ADHD is a real thing just needs to spend like a week with Mitchell to know that IT IS VERY VERY REAL. He can control it, it's not like he's some out of control weirdo. But he has to be reminded of a lot of things, asked to do things cause he doesn't just do them unless it's something for himself and I am not exaggerating when I say that at times it really feels like I have 2 kids to deal with...not just Olivia. He had gotten better but I would say most of the time the fact that I'm pregnant, like heavily pregnant slips his mind. He will still try to tickle me or jump out and scare me or see me struggling to clean something or pick up toys and doesn't really offer to help unless I ask...I'm tired of asking!!!!
I guess as I am nearing the end of this pregnancy I feel a mixed emotion of "Thank God it's almost over I'm tired of all this pregnancy crap" as well as "I can't believe it's almost over and I don't feel like I cherished it at all...I didn't take pictures, I didn't take time to feel amazed by what was going on inside me, I don't have much time left I need to appreciate it now".....appreciate the last month of pregnancy....HA that is laughable!!!! It's like the worst month!!!!! Also the world is nicer to pregnant women...I feel like I have not gotten my fair share of adoring looks from grandmothers and doors held open for me. It's like once that baby is out...everyone forgets that YOU WERE THE ONE WHO DID ALL THE WORK TO MAKE THAT BABY AND THEN SQUEEZE IT. All of a sudden it's all about the baby...which I suppose is good, people are less likely to notice your flabby belly and spit up stains all over your clothes and your shirt looking all unkempt from pulling it up to breastfeed.
So I guess in the meantime I am declaring to the world;
APPRECIATE ME, NOTICE ME, ADORE ME WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!!!!!!
LOL
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