Moving on....
So again this is a post about me. For as long as I can remember I have not been very good at a follow through. Unless it is something that I have no way of getting out of, I usually find myself being a "quitter".
Gymnastics-----quit
Dance class------quit
Piano lessons----quit
Drill team------well I didn't quit per say but I didn't try out again the next year
Swing Club at College----does never really participating count as quitting, like quitting before you even really began I guess.
Ricks College----quit
College in general.....well I am not going to say I have quit that because I have countless units put in at the community college and I do believe that I will finish...eventually.
So I tend to find myself getting bored, stressed out, overwhelmed and just giving up. If it's too hard I tend to take the easy way out. Where does this come from I often wonder, how did I develop this quality or is it something you are just born with? My mother reminds me that the only reason I endured pregnancy and then childbirth was because I had no other choice. If there was a way around it I, of all people, would have found that loophole. I am a pretty lazy person and I won't deny that truth. I mean once I get into a routine and used to something I can keep at it for as long as I need to...but change the game or direction even slightly and you might as well have cut both my legs off. Because change often paralyzes me.
I of course graduated from High School and have had steady jobs over the years. I mean I never thought about not graduating from High School. High school was easy for me and I did well because school has never really been anything I had to try to do well at, it just came easy to me. I always thought I would follow that through college...but with college there was something new in the game...free agency. There is no one making you go...you aren't required to be there from 8AM to 3PM. Sooooooooo you can guess what happened there....got out of a routine, wasn't legally obligated to be there, classes tend to be here and there and not within a structured amount of time.... yeah. I don't believe you have to be smart to graduate from college. I mean yes many smart people do, but I know some pretty dumb people with college degrees as well. I think the biggest quality that is developed in college, if you graduate, is the ability to stick to it. It's all about self-discipline and drive...something I find myself lacking. Something I would really like to find these days...in many aspects of my life.
So what does this have to do with what I am currently thinking about these days? EVERYTHING. It seems vain and self-absorbed to admit but I feel completely debilitated by the current state of my body. I just don't feel like myself. You see again I have never really had to try to maintain my weight. Yes I had gained weight over the years since High School. But when I graduated from High School I weighed 110 pounds and at almost 5'8....gaining 20 to 30 pounds over 10 years...well it's to be expected, I became a woman. Oh how cheezy, but it's true I was just a little girl at 17....there was no where on my body that could be described as "Womanly". So before becoming pregnant I was a happy size 6-9, depending on the clothing brand. I wasn't completely satisfied with my body, but it was never anything I felt I had to act on.
Then pregnancy and weight gain and boobs and hips and urghhhhh. Not to mention that Olivia's first year of life has been quite the emotional roller coaster for me (both being a new mother and also in my personal life)....I spent most of the time trying to hang on for dear life through all the dips and climbs...I didn't have the emotional energy to do much else. Then I stopped breast feeding and although everyone claims I look the same...I swear I have gained weight since I stopped nursing. I NEVER EVER NEVER weigh myself so I wouldn't actually know. But I hate the way things look these days. I don't suppose I can do anything about the larger chest...but it is way past the time to do something about the things I can change.
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!
I don't even know how many pounds I would need to lose to be that size, I am not really sure how much I weigh now or what I weighed then....I spent my entire pregnancy looking the other way when I was weighed. I know I gained 28 pounds, cause that is what my doctor told me...but I don't know the exact numbers. And I know I have clearly lost weight after giving birth. But for my own vanity and feelings of self-worth....I need to be at least the size I was before Olivia...smaller than that would be nice but let's not get too crazy here...remember I am lazy! SOOOOOOO I have been doing the treadmill thing....walking at a fast pace, maybe running one day...I hope.
Here is hoping that I don't quit this time. I feel so lost in my body these days, I just want to feel like myself again. I don't think that is too much to ask....
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