I don't know what is wrong with me. The past week I just cannot sleep!!! I lay there alone and tired but just spinning with thoughts about my crazy life. Monday and Tuesday night I just kept waking up every couple of hours and it took forever to fall back asleep. I thought it was only anxiousness because of the new job I would be starting on Wednesday, which went fine and was actually pretty fun to be around another adult who wasn't a family member....that is if you consider an eighteen year old an adult, lol!
Anyway so the most exciting part of the workday was when Mitch came to pick me up with a very tired way past her bedtime Olivia. She was sooooooo excited to see me, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy holdy holdy Mama holdy pease". Oh my goodness it killed me! She is never all that thrilled to see me. She gets excited for Nana, Boppa, Daddy, Sparky, Papa, Ashy and Mickey but never really me. I guess it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder! It made me feel like a million bucks baby! Usually she is just with me 24-7 and is like...."Mom is boooooring". This is one of those amazing moments as a mother...this is probably the first time I have felt it since she was a newborn and just liked me best because I was full of milk!
But anyways last night I literally was awake ALL NIGHT LONG!!! Oh I am so tired but even now I should take a nap or something cause Olivia is down...but I just can't. I feel so anxious! Trying to find a place to rent, starting a new job, being secretly really afraid to live alone....since Mitch's job keeps him out of town 5 days of the week. I am so freaked out that I will really be alone with Olivia 5 days a week. I think about staying all alone in our apt in Santa Barbara when Mitch would occasionally go out of town. And I know I felt some nervousness about it and it was a really dark neighborhood and pretty unsecure house. But thinking about living anywhere around here and being alone all night long with Olivia really terrifies me.
What if I hear a weird noise, what if something happens, what if there is an emergency and I am somewhere where I know no one....since Mitchell really wants to live in downtown/midtown Sacramento. Granted Sacramento isn't that far from Roseville or Orangevale it's a lot further than down the hall. I'm both excited and scared that Olivia will have her own room. Excited I won't have to share a room with her and I can finally decorate a room that will be all her own. Scared that she will be a separate room and if someone breaks in or something what if they go into her room and I am unaware asleep in the next room. Oh I can't even think about it! My sister always tells me that I worry too much about all the things that could happen...but I can't help it my mind just goes there....everywhere and anywhere were disaster and tragedy strike.
I can't sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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