Since I am no longer working it's just me and Olivia. All. Day. Every. Day. Just me and her. It has been an adjustment, not that I worked that many hours...but having a set time away from her 3-4 days a week was like having something to look forward to when she is having fits or repeating the same phrase over and over. How the volume of her voice takes up all available space in the house and also in my head. She seems to be at a very busy age, a very LOUD age. She also seems to be so needy. And it's always me she needs, even if Mitch is home "Mommy" has to do everything. If Mitch gets her up from a nap, up in the morning the first thing she says is, "Where's my Mommy, I need my Mommy". I think it annoys Mitch because even when he was the one home with her and I worked she never ever was as attached to him...which secretly makes me feel like "nah nah nah nah nah, she likes me better". At the same time it's SOOOOOOOO annoying that even at times when Mitch could help out, she demands to see me, demands to have me make her breakfast, give her a bath, change her diaper, read her stories, put her in the carseat. Mommy! MOmmy! MOMmy! MOMMy! MOMMY!!!!!!!
She loves me the most...which I love and appreciate...and honestly sometimes question why? I don't feel all that exciting these days but she loves me. I feel like my hair is never done, my clothes rarely change from what I slept in the night before, I am constantly telling her to stop, to listen, to use words instead of grunting when she is mad...why does she love me? Why does she prefer my company to anyone else?
Then I had a thought. "Mommyitis". This was a word my dad used growing up to refer to the all consuming need I had to be near my Mother. I have very vivid memories of when she would go out of town and I would cry and scream and literally beg her not to leave me. I was usually in the care of my Dad and brother or a neighbor or a best friends' family. The thought that she was not going to be exactly where I needed her, whenever I needed her...terrified me. This I remember being the case well into the age of probably 11 or 12. I remember once writing her a letter complete with illustrations of her beauty imploring her not to go.
After remembering all this I wondered exactly what changed, when did it happen? When was I no longer so attached to her? I can't remember. I mean I love my mother but we are very different people as I became an adult. Which is fine but also can cause me to be short in the patience department when she says something or does something that annoys me. Or when I enter into one of my periods of wanting to just be a hermit and be alone and she shows up at the door. And I feel unprepared for the visit and instantly become crabby and rude and irritated. But I love my mom...despite what she probably thinks or feels a lot of the time. And that makes me feel bad...but I feel pretty set in my ways and I am my father's daughter. Meaning naturally prone to feeling pretty somber a lot of times...feeling like I sometimes just don't want to be around anyone else except for myself.
Then I began to wonder when it would happen with Olivia. When would she need me less and prefer her own company or the company of her friends instead of mine? It seems to be a female trait more than a male trait. I think sons probably never feel the same pulling away from their mothers the way daughters do. Maybe I am wrong. But I have nephews and I can't ever imagine them getting annoyed with their mother the way a daughter would. My oldest nephew is almost 12 and while I see that he is grown up in a way that he probably gets embarrassed when I tease him or hug him or kiss him...he seems to sense that I need him to still be my little baby nephew and he puts up with it. They say that girls mature faster than boys but I think that boys probably have a sixth sense when it comes to that aspect of growing up. I think they know that their parents or aunts or uncle need to be able to tease them and cuddle them and they just kinda put up with it....in a way a 12 year old girl never would. I wonder why that is...
And then I felt sad. Sad that Olivia would one day no longer need me to be her everything. And I guess that maybe I should not feel so annoyed when she is constantly at my side, always wanting me and no one else.
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