Eleven weeks and 5 days later...

And I feel lonely. I was laying in bed and couldn't help but feel restless...."I can't sleep", I thought. I changed positions, moved pillows around, tried the tummy sleeping and yet nothing was working. I felt annoyed...why can't I fall asleep? These days all I have to do is close my eyes and I drift off...which I have frequently done while breastfeeding baby Munch.

I suddenly thought it has been A--WHILE since the last time I was unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep.

When was that time?

When I was pregnant...pause...moment of silence...I feel so alone here in my bed, even while Mitch happily snores away next to me.

I reached down to feel my belly... where Olivia used to sleep. Then glanced in the darkness over to where she now sleeps.

This incredible rush of emptiness and sadness washed over me like a wave...she's not there anymore...and even a few feet away in her crib she felt so far away from where she used to be.

I wanted to rush over to her and hold her. I wanted to breathe in her baby smell and feel her tiny chest rise and fall against me.



I didn't do it though. She is a pretty light sleeper and I would have probably regretted it soon after when I wouldn't be able to get her back to sleep.

I really hated being pregnant. I complained and whined and now...now I realize how special it is to have a baby inside of you.

How incredible to be able to have your child within you and all to yourself for 9 months.

All these thoughts occurring to me as I realized I just wanted to feel her move inside of me...maybe subconsciously what was keeping me from falling asleep...