So miss baby will be 12 weeks old tomorrow...not officially three months until the 9th at 9:25 pm. If that sounds a bit too specific to you...well you must not be a new mom!
Where has the time gone I wonder everyday when she seems more grown up than the previous day. It is amazing to me how quickly a baby grows...not only physically but mentally as well.
The little baby is born and you spend that first night thinking you must have the easiest baby in the history of babies.
She sleeps and sleeps and only make a soft mewing sound like a kitten upon waking up. This is gonna be easy you think...babies just sleep...wake up to eat and then go back to sleep...piece of cake!
This pretty much was the m.o. for Olivia for probably the first week. Then out of nowhere the crying for no apparent reason started. It was alarming.
What is going on?
Is she wet?
Is she poopy?
Is she hungry?
Is she gassy?
Is she too hot?
Is she too cold?
Is she overstimulated?
Is she not being stimulated enough?
When you have run down the list of possible easy to solve problems and find none of them to be the cause of this frantic crying. It is shocking as a new mother.
Is there something wrong with her you think. Oh God does she have colic? Does she just hate me so much that nothing I do can tame the beast she becomes with this incessant screaming?!!!
I am telling you that inconsolable crying can really drive you to the brink of insanity. I remember there were times I was alone with her and I would just lay there next to her on the bed and cry along with her. When your baby cries and you can't get her to stop, you feel like such a failure. You find anything that could be possibly wrong is your fault...you might as well be the one frantically flailing your arms and screaming in the middle of the store...I remember feeling that ashamed and judged by the other woman and mothers. Now I realize it was not judgement in those woman's eyes but sympathy...the "well I remember that frustration and desperation" look. A sort of "there by the grace of God go I" type of thing
Maybe this was a bad idea you think...this being a mother thing. It's hard to admit but there were times I felt very angry at her...why the hell won't she shut the "eff" up!
Thankfully Mitchell had the wherewithal to step in when I really became overwhelmed. But even so, even if she was in another room with someone lovingly trying to console her in the next...I still wanted to cry, I still felt like I should go to her snatch her up in my arms...that somehow being her mother I would be the one to calm her, to soothe her. That I should be the one to do these things. I felt pretty jealous when she would calm down for Mitch or for her Grandparents or Aunties.
This lasted for about 3 weeks after she was born...and slowly but surely she began to get better and I began to become more equipped to deal with it when she wasn't have a good day.
I think I was under the impression that since I carried her within me for 9 months that we would automatically know each other so well. That I would know everything to do in any possible situation because she was a part of me and only me for those first 9 months of her existence.
This is not the case...and I am telling any of you future first time moms because I wish someone had told me.
The love you feel for your child is automatic...for me it was the first time I heard her heartbeat...but always having the answers and solution to every problem...well that only comes with time.
Even in those rough first weeks I always loved her, that was not anything I ever doubted. However, it really takes time to get to know your baby. To read their ques, to know when they are too tired or hungry or just bored. To begin to recognize that "fake" cry for a real cry.
And a magical thing begins to happen.
Someone else is holding your baby and she begins to fuss and then cry. And the moment you take her back in your arms she stops. She nestles her little face into your shoulder or chest and just relaxes...calm and soothed.
You see you always knew she was your child but it seems it takes them a little longer to realize that you are their mother. And that my friends, that melts your heart.
When she begins to wake up and the moment she sees your face she smiles, she coos, she laughs...that's when you realize that no matter how trying being a mother can be...
It is totally worth it.
Even on those particuarily trying days when you have finally rocked her fussy crankypants to sleep...you look down and see that she's flipping you the bird
Em, I love reading your writing. You are so good at it! You definitely have a way with words.
ReplyDeleteOur little squirts are definitely challlenging, but oh so worth it...you are so right!
She is adorable! I still can't believe all of that great hair....and no, I don't think the faux-hawk is bad. In fact I think it is adorable on little babies.