I have never been particularly good at letting go, at saying goodbyes, at looking at something and being sensible enough to say I don't need that anymore. A clear example of this is sitting beside my bed. The "Boppy". For the maybe one of you that doesn't know what a "Boppy" is, it's a nursing pillow. It sits and hugs you around the waist giving the baby a place to lay and be supported while breastfeeding. The Boppy is probably the greatest invention of all time when it comes to breastfeeding mothers....because I think the most inconvenient thing about BF is if you forgot the Boppy and you have to be the one to hold that dear little heavy head. I mean obviously people got by before the Boppy, but the Boppy is probably one of the reasons I enjoyed nursing so much...it was so easy. Just prop the baby up and bam.....your hands are free to do all kinds of things or do nothing and you can just fall asleep.
Anyways Olivia has not been a breastfed baby since December of last year and yet the Boppy is still right next to my bed. Probably a month after she stopped breastfeeding my mom says "Emily why don't you put that Boppy away, you obviously don't need it anymore". I probably gave her a dirty look and said simply "I'm not ready to put it away yet". You see it wasn't my idea to stop nursing, I loved it. Olivia has never been all that snuggly or cuddly as a baby and the only time I could hold her and snuggle her close was while nursing. I wanted to make it all the way to a year, She just decided at about 10 months she was not into it anymore and that was that. She is quite the determined little thing and I could not persuade or change her mind. So still feeling that bite of rejection from my 10 month old daughter I could not bear to part with my dear Boppy. And so it has sat for the last 8 months.
I am not ready to accept that fact that Olivia is not a baby anymore. I mean of course she will always be "My baby"....but the fact that she is getting bigger and smarter by the second...well I turn a blind eye. I don't understand how people deal with this because it is for sure a tale as old as time, as long as people have been having babies. I guess people just have another baby...but that is not an option for me at the moment. Next month my nephew Liam turns a year old as does Olivia's other cousin Ezra who was born to Mitchell's brother and his wife on the exact same day. Even this makes me sad. How in the world can those babies be a year old!!!!! And if they are a year old then that makes Olivia even older!
I keep wondering when does it stop, when does it slow down?! When do you say your child's age and it seems exactly right? Because when someone asks me now it's like "hmmmmmm pause....18 months.....is that right", most of the time people are shocked and say "Oh big girl", which makes me want to punch them in the face! It's true Olivia is closer to the size of a 2 year old....she is crazy tall! I have another nephew "Abraham" that is 7 months older than Olivia. He has the opposite problem, he's teeny tiny! People ask how old he is and when you say 2 they look at you like "are you sure". I would rather Olivia be too small than too big because with this too big stuff there is no fooling anyone about her age! Ohhhhhhh why, why, why!!!!????? Why can't she be a baby forever!!!????
I like the baby section of the store too much to have her be growing up as fast as she is. No matter what I go to the store for....I always, always go to the baby aisle. I like to look at the bottles and pacifiers and receiving blankets....have to remind myself that there is no possible way I could convince Olivia to let me swaddle her. Oh it's painful! Why does Olivia have to be hell bent on getting big!!!???
I hate it!
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