I feel left out....

Once in High School I felt left out because my two of my best friends were on the Drill team and I was not. So what did I do? Sophomore year I tried out again (yup didn't make it the first time) for the team and made it....just to not be left out.....worst High School experience probably ever! I hated the uniforms, I hated the stupid windbreaker like warm-up outfit we had to wear on "game days", I hated performing, and probably most of all I hated that I was "on the Drill team". Call it "dance team" all you want...everyone else knows you are on the Drill team and everyone else associates it with not being "cool, thin or pretty enough" to be a cheerleader. My six year older brother when hearing I was doing the whole "Drill team" thing said..."You joined the Moo Crew, but you aren't even fat". Yup even a six year absence from High School and my brother knew just how "uncool" I was. Not to mention the braces and headgear I was supposed to attach with tiny rubberbands to my braces at night while I slept, I was such a nerd. I don't know why I thought I needed to feel included. As an adult I can't say I have ever felt such an urge to push myself into an uncomfortable situation to feel like part of the crowd....these days I could really care less about any quirks or idiosyncrasies that make me....well, me.

So I feel left out these days. And no I am not planning on joining some sort of 10 year high school reunion Drill team....thank Heavens. No this time it's less personal. It just seems like everyone is pregnant or having a baby and dare I admit that I am kinda jealous. Pregnant ladies everywhere or newborn cries echoing through the grocery store. What is happening?!!! Or even just hearing someone say "Oh we are trying to have another one", green....green....GREEN with envy. I wish I could have another baby. I am obviously not in a place in my life...financially, stability or secure enough in my "unconventional little family" to be lucky enough to whisper secretively "Oh well nothing official but we are trying to have another"....

Can I just say that when most people say "Oh this is not where I imagined my life would be at this age", they really have no idea just how weird things could be. I feel like I am perfectly qualified to make that claim. AGhhhhhhhhh if my life were a movie and the camera was recording me at this moment blogging away it seems like an appropriate time for the soundtrack to kick in with.....

"The sun will come out tommorrow".....or maybe "Ohhhh child things are gonna get easier".....or even at my more dramatic time of the month REM's "Everybody hurts"....


So in case you might be wondering....


"This is soooooo not where I thought I would be at 29 with my first child".


But as far as children go....just for the record....I have the most beautiful, extraordinary, and amazing baby ever!

Even though I guess she is not really a baby anymore....one day, one day hopefully there will be more!