Stick a fork in me...

I feel like "I'm done". I feel stressed out. I feel nervous. I feel sad. I feel like I can't "keep on keeping on". I don't know what to say, I don't know where to begin and I don't know who reading this could possibly relate. Okay...let's begin here. There was never a time in my childhood where I felt uncertain about security. Uncertain about money, uncertain about where I was living, uncertain about the fact that my parents would always take care of everything and I could just...exist in a comfortable childhood. Sometimes I feel like I was so sheltered as a child, so kept from ever having to feel any stress about anything having to do with money, that it somehow ingrained something in my mind that just made me think that money was never anything I had to worry about. It also made me quite irresponsible and carefree with money I would earn as a pretend adult....you know the years before having my own children.

I feel grateful for the fact that while there are so many things to question as a child in life, I never had to question my home, that there would always be food on the table, that Dad would always have a job and make money, that I would more often than not get the materials things I desired, that there would be presents at birthdays and Christmas, that we would have a car that would always start, that life was stable and secure. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have grown up this way...but I find that it sometimes is a real problem when it comes to relating to Mitchell. It also has created in me an idea that one day my life would be the same as the life I had as a child...that things would just work out, somehow? Obviously my life as a parent has started off so far away from the way it was for my parents. I don't know....I just don't even know what to say.

Okay, so about Mitchell. I would not say that he was some poverty stricken child, but I know there were many times that financially things were a struggle for his family. His parents got married pretty young, had baby after baby and having a steady job and income took precedence over any educational goals his parents may have had. And education usually means better jobs, more money, job security. They moved alot, there were times they stayed at his grandmother's house, I know Mitch didn't have the extravagant birthdays and christmases we had...but we also only had 3 kids, they had 7. Tony (Mitch's Dad) did what he had to do to support his wife and his family, he still does what he has to support his family. There was never any shortage on love in his family, but money was a concern. Mitch's life was very different than mine as a kid. And it causes all kinds of problems when it comes to understanding eachother's concerns, thoughts and ideas of how life should be. Especially now that we are trying to move out on our own for the first time since we moved back to NorCal 2 years ago, the first time as parents. I guess I tend to have the inclination to think everything will somehow work out while Mitchell is often very very afraid of failure that it causes him to not have a strong pull to take a risk.

So here is where we are today. Mitchell is working as a contractor for his job as a computer programmer. Which means he works when there is work and then gets layed off when there isn't work. There has been pretty steady work for the past 6 months but there is never any guarantee. I don't work. I recently got a job that should start mid October. It's by no means a big deal, just a few days a week at a ceramics studio working for just a little more than minimum wage. So we are supposed to move out. We were supposed to move out in Sept but couldn't really find anything.

Here we are looking for a place and Mitch's job is only scheduled to the end of October. Which doesn't mean necessarily that it's over after that...I mean it has been that way for a while, not knowing if there is work and then something comes through before the other job ends and it works out. But there has been times that something doesn't come through and he can be out of work for a week or two or more or indefinitely. So he is understandably worried about money...feeling more drawn to have me move in with his parents and family and then see what happens and if things will work out in the long run and we can find somewhere. I feel stressed out. I feel like I understand his concerns, he has suggested maybe I find Full Time work. I get it, I understand why he could suggest this, I want to do my part to step up, but it hurts at the same time.

I have been taking care of Olivia her whole life. I have barely even left her with a babysitter and never more than like 2-3 hours and it is always with a family member. She drives me insane some days and I remember how much easier working Full Time is compared to being a Full Time mother. But it literally makes me sick to think of leaving her Full Time. I have never been someone that one might perceive as a control freak but when it comes to Olivia I am very very very possessive of her and how she spends her time.

There have been times when I have been sick and Mitchell is taking care of her and I will just lay in bed completely stressed out that he might be "doing something wrong". Didn't feed her enough, fed her too much, isn't dressing her right, isn't giving her enough naps, not making sure she drinks enough fluids, or bathing her all wrong. The other day actually I had a migraine and Mitchell came over and Olivia needed a bath. I had this huge internal struggle to hear him bathing her. I just kept thinking what if he doesn't get all the shampoo out of her hair, what if he doesn't condition her hair it will be all frizzy, when she gets out he won't put lotion on her and will probably dress her in some weird outfit....I got out of bed and went and bathed her myself. The idea of relinquishing control over her life and routine...it brings me to tears...I am crying now!

She is just used to me and how we do things and she is definitely a child who needs and enjoys a routine. I feel like letting someone else take over her care, it makes me feel like she will think I love her less. Because taking care of a baby/child isn't always super exciting but you do it because of all the love you have for them. I feel like if I let someone else do it...it somehow divides my love and I don't like the idea of someone loving her more than me. But I don't want to live with my parents and I don't want to live with Mitch's parents and I don't want to put all the burden on Mitchell...but I also have someone inside of me screaming how unfair this is, that I can't have the life I am used to, that Olivia won't have the same childhood. I know that it's a selfish thought, I know it makes me look spoiled and immature...but it's how I feel.

I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball somewhere and hope it all goes away.