For obvious reasons

I would like my hair to look like hers....

Ps is her hair black? it always seems dark brown to me....could I do black....yikes

Did you ever babysit when you were younger?

I did. I used to babysit three boys from church like 4 nights a week for about 4-5 hours. The people who I babysat for owned a gymnastics studio, is studio the right word? IDK and IDC...PS I just made up a new abbreviation there. We all know I Don't Know, this is I Don't Care. They had three boys Jordan, Jackson and Jacob. I babysat those kids so much that at 13 they put me on the payroll, my babysitting money came in actual paycheck form...at 13! Which at the time I thought was cool but now that I think about it...I was being taxed...not so cool. Anyways so if you did babysit you will remember the times when mom and dad would leave and no doubt at least one of the kids, if not all of the kids would cry and scream and beg for "mommy" to come back. And be it a daytime babysitting job that same kid would laugh and get excited and shout the praises of mommy when she returned. This kid when babysitting for me was Jackson. The middle child and definitely the most sensitive and tender hearted, I guess I can relate. Sometimes I see Jackson out and about and now he's like a teenager and I feel so weird knowing all the intimate details of his little boyhood antics. Oh well. He was my favorite of the three boys...he was just so dang cute!


Anyways lately, as in probably ever since I moved in with my parents I feel like I am the last person Olivia wants to see. I feel like the babysitter. I get to do all the crappy work; poopy diapers, cleaning food out of hair, force feeding when she won't eat, taking care of her when she is sick, trailing her all over the house to make sure she doesn't hurt herself on something...etc etc. And not only am I not getting paid for it....she could give a crap about me when someone else is home....namely my mother. Her Nana. She barely even says Mama but she can speak a clear "Nana" and even clearer "Dada", oh but that is another story. So it leaves me of course feeling like chopped liver. Today I even flirted with the idea of running away. Olivia won't know the difference she apparently already thinks Nana is the bees knees, what does she need me for? I stopped breast feeding at 8 1/2 months so really she doesn't need me for anything.


Little miss independent can just live it up with Nana. Apparently she's got something I don't have. I don't get it. I mean my mother loves it. Olivia lights up inside and literally beams with happiness and excitement when my mother walks through the door, who wouldn't love that reaction from a baby. I think I remember my nephew Robbie loving me like that when he was a baby, in a way I think Robbie still gets excited to see me and he's 10 now! Urghhhh. I remember on one of the rare occasions that Mitch took Olivia over to his house (without me) for the day, I figured when I went to come get her she would be all excited to see me and leap into my arms. Nope! I was even sick and missed her so much after like 4 hours that I went to pick her up early...she didn't care. I could have been a complete stranger for how nonchalant she reacted.


OMG!!!!!!! I am tired of all this thankless unpaid babysitting job! When is Olivia's real mother (nana) gonna be home?


And in case you were wondering I am currently on the waitlist for my pity party of one.

Feel sorry for me people....that's the name of the game!

A dumb post...

About 2 years ago I moved down to Santa Barbara and lived in an apartment that was actually an old home converted into 4 apartments. One in front, one on the side, one in the back and one upstairs. I moved in with Mitchell to the apartment in the back. There was an older bookstore owning lady up front, a middle aged man on the side and the upstairs apartment was vacant. The house was old and the conversion to apartments wasn't a crappy job. However the idea of hearing everything that went on in the apartment on the other side of the wall didn't seem like it was taken into account. You could hear everything! While I was familiar with the neighbor Ben who shared his walls with ours, I think I actually saw him face to face probably about 4-5 times in 10 months.


But I felt like I knew Ben....just like he probably knew an awful alot about Mitch and I....why? The thin walls. He was an older guy probably mid to late 40's. He watched alot of sports, liked to sing periodically and randomly, cooked mexican food almost every night, his girlfriend and her kids visited alot, he never answered his phone, snored very loudly and laughed alot. When I was home alone during times when Mitch was out late or even out of town, hearing Ben next door was comforting and made me feel safe. Anyway so when I moved in Mitch was concerned about anyone finding out that I was living there...the rent would have gone up for 2 people.


So after about a week or two Mitch announced to me that he didn't want me blowdrying my hair anymore. "it's too loud and it's obvious that there is a girl here if a hairdryer is being used everyday". I don't know why he would think Ben would care or tell the landlord and the landlord never came around anyway. But I remember thinking he was crazy! Who cares!!! And does he really think I am going to let my hair air dry everyday? He actually said he thought it used too much electricity and the landlord would notice the rise in the bill! I highly doubt a ten minute hairdryer session a day really affect the energy bill that much! Maybe it did, I don't know. But more than just that ummm hello I have naturally wavy/curly hair...air drying on a daily basis...might as well just take away any self-esteem I might have had left in the looks dept....frizzy hair everyday! I of course just did it when he wasn't around and after a while it was a non-issue.


Okay fast forward....when I was pregnant was the only time in a long time that I wasn't dyeing my hair on a bi-monthly basis, if not more. My hair grew and without the constant beating from hair dye my hair got pretty healthy. Since Olivia being born I have dyed it maybe 3 or 4 times, trying to avoid going back to my always dyeing my hair ways. And lack of time and laziness has brought me to a point where I find myself blow-drying my hair less and less. Also I have found that if I don't wrap my head up in a towel after showering and allow my hair to air dry from dripping wet...it doesn't get frizzy....it takes a while to dry, but very little frizz and still wavy. So not only do I want to grow my hair out long this year....I want to also try and not use the hair-dryer and use the hair straightener less and less. What do you think? Can I do it? Will it makes my hair even healthier to not use the hair dryer?


I just want to have long mermaid hair, not red though!!!!! Oh hair please grow faster....and I am sorry I cut off so much of you after Olivia was born! Just please get past this at the shoulder length cause it's driving me insane!



There is one problem though....I am kinda missing having blonde hair. The process back to blonde from dark is not an easy one and has always involved scissors at point or another....so I am trying to resist wanting to do it....

So yup, this was a dumb post....here's to hoping I can do it

Diana

"To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die"

A few weeks ago we gathered to celebrate her birthday and this morning she found it time to leave us.

Great Grandma Diana I am so happy Olivia got to meet you. We will miss you and love you always and happy that you are no longer in pain. I remember you were there when Mitchell and I first revealed that Olivia was on her way. I remember you just smiled and said;

"Don't worry sweetie, these things always find a way of working out. And how exciting for a new sweet baby to be coming to meet me"

I am happy that Mitchell, Olivia and I were able to make you a Great Grandmother. And I will always remember how no matter how heavy Olivia got, you always wanted to hold her.

Goodbye GG, we love you

" I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death"

Bigger by the day!

Miss baby is getting to me more un baby-like by the day....it's so sad! Here are some new pics of my ever growing child!

Picky picky pickle!

Oh this baby! She is being so irritating lately! She went from eating anything and everything to eating NOTHING!!!! here is a list of what she will consume

juice

formula

mandarin oranges

AGHHHHHHHHHHH I am losing my mind!!!!! It is beyond annoying that she turns her nose up to everything...things she used to love! She will either just turn her face any from the food, let me put it in her mouth and the proceed to spit it out, or let me put it in her mouth and then stick her hand in her mouth and pull the food out. I feel like this is an exercise in persistence. How long will I try and how long will it take her to figure out she is not getting out of her highchair until she eats something!

What happened to my baby of just a month ago? From the time she began eating solids up until a month ago she would eat anything put in front of her, not anymore. I feel so frustrated! It is beyond annoying to try 5 different things in one breakfast, lunch or dinnertime period and she won't eat any of it. She will play with it, push it around, squish it in her hand or simply just throw it on the floor! Seriously I will make or prepare one thing and that fails, so I'll try something else -nope, then I will make yet another something to more refusals and will go on to try at least 2 more things before I literally want to shove it in her mouth and put my hand over her mouth and nose until she swallows...I have yet to do this, probably a mean thing to do!

Urghhhhhh!!!! It makes me sooooooo mad! I am done! Seriously if she wants to not eat, guess what she doesn't get to eat anymore! She can be a whiny little baby and have only bottles, like a whiny little baby. I am serious I am not gonna feed her anything but formula for like a week...maybe then she'll get the picture!

Oh and then of course my "self-proclaimed know it all mother" asks; did you try this, did you try that....blah, blah, blah. Emily she is just going through a phase, be more patient. Easy for her to say she is not the one who has to deal with her 24-7. She comes home and just gets to play with her. She doesn't change her, doesn't bathe her, doesn't have to listen to her in the middle of the night or early morning when she babbles away. She has the luxury of being able to see things differently. I just see how annoying it is! I take care of her 24-7 with little or no help from anyone else!

I need a break...a break I will most likely never get. Olivia after not eating breakfast and refusing all attempts at a lunch is in her room....crying. I figure if she doesn't want to eat she can take a nap...I know she doesn't understand the concept of this being a consequence of her being so picky at meals...but honestly...right now, I don't really care.

I guess today I won't win any awards for being a good mother...and guess what? Today, I am fine with that!

Meow....to all the haters out there...

(Ashley painted me this cat head, she knows I love kittys)

And you know who you are!

Cat haters that is...

This morning as it was rainy and blustery outside my kitty Shiloh tried his best to look pathetic by the back door. I was feeding Olivia breakfast and not only was she refusing any and all the foods I tried this morning she was also very distracted by Shiloh's presence at the door. Her highchair is in perfect range to ignore me and stare out the sliding glass door and into the backyard and usually Shiloh. She is very intrigued by cats. She since the first day home from the hospital was inundated with dogs, two in particular. Zoe and Bogie. She lived the first 7 months of her life with those dogs and all their daily antics and shenanigans. She is usually pretty unfazed by the dogs and they seem to be rather uninterested with her unless she is eating. Cause let's face it babies drop alot of food, and those dogs are master opportunists. You see I am an animal lover and I do love dogs and "those" dogs, but I realized something while living with the little beasts....I am definitely more of a cat person.

Growing up I always wanted a puppy, a dog...what did I get? A cat. Holly was her name and she was not too pleasant of a creature. She was rather unfriendly and sassy and hated any and all strangers. But we loved her despite all her mental problems. Which was probably our own faults, my little sister especially. We teased and tormented that cat to no end! Some cats you can do this to, and some you can't....Holly didn't take it lightly. Anyone who met her was met with a hiss and snarl, sometimes a growl and definitely a declawed swat if they got too close...like I said she had issues. So it is not unheard of for people to still ask , "do your parents still have that evil demon-like cat". Sadly Holly died about 3 years ago...she got nicer in her old age and failing health...it was sad when she finally had to be put down...she was probably about 15 years old? Since getting Holly for Christmas when I was in sixth grade, I have had 4 cats. Elvis, Bailey, Murphy and the current one Shiloh.

Elvis was a cat I got with the old boyfriend and he went with him post break-up. Bailey was a big boy lover I got when I moved out when I was 21. Murphy I got to keep Bailey company...Bailey hated him, I tried. And baby Shi....I got him to heal my heart after Bailey died. Bailey came with me after moving back home back in like 2005, Murphy I gave away...he was a freak anyway. Bailey got hit by a car...he was such a lover cat. He loved anyone and everyone. Shiloh was a rescued feral kitten I got from some crazy cat lady at work. He was very young and immediately thought I was his mother. HE LOVED ME AND ONLY HAD EYES FOR ME.

And at the time I had a mad hankering for a baby...so Shiloh fulfilled all my mothering needs for about 3 years. I treated that cat like a child, he was spoiled beyond belief. He was a pleasant cat but only really lovey with me...he adored me, worshipped the ground I walked on...the feeling was mutual. He had organic cat food, wet food once a day, took cat vitamins, had his litter changed daily and had an array of about 25 collars. When I moved to Santa Barbara baby Shiloh came along too. Mitch and Shiloh did not like one another. Mitch didn't appreciate Shiloh being possessive of me and Shiloh didn't like another man in my life. I still spoiled him and loved him. When I was first pregnant Shiloh kept me calm. He would snuggle up against my belly, like he knew...I was scared to be pregnant...But Shiloh's warm furriness against me made me feel like it would all work out somehow. He truly is the sweetest animal on earth.

About 5 months into the pregnancy it was decided that we would move back to Roseville, in with Mitch's family. The last month we were in Santa Barbara Shiloh had already moved back up home with my parents. That was extremely hard for me. I remember the last visit bringing Shiloh up...the month before we were to move back permanently. My parents agreed to let him stay with them until we could get our own place, but he would be an outdoor cat only...he could come in the garage at night. It was raining the day I said goodbye. I remember sitting on the bench in the rain in my parents backyard crying. Sobbing while my nervous and confused cat nestled against my cheek. I had to leave him and I knew he didn't understand. The last month in Santa Barbara without him was so hard. I depended on being able to hold him when I felt scared and he wasn't there. The baby had begun to move very regularly at that point. I loved her but I didn't realize at the time that Shiloh would never be my baby in the same way again...this little bump and nudge inside me was my new baby. It sounds stupid but I never knew she would replace him by leaps and bounds.

We came home and lived with Mitch's family. I was getting to the uncomfortable stage at that point and I didn't visit Shiloh nearly as often as I should have. At the time Mitch's sister Allison and her cat LuLu/Noons lived with them as well.

(this is LuLu/Noonie-Noons)

That cat is so sweet and cute, when I missed my cat I would often go out into the garage and spent a good 45 minutes playing and cuddling Noons. When I did visit Shiloh at my parents he sort of snubbed me, preferring my parents to me. I felt so guilty that I had left him, but it was annoying that he seemed dis-interested in me.

Then something life changing happened. I became a mother.

Never in my life I had felt that rush of love as I did the moment she was placed on my chest; warm, wet and whimpering. Shiloh who? Olivia made me a mother....I'd like to think Shiloh prepared me.

Anyways back to the start of the story. It was raining and cold outside and Shiloh is not allowed indoors. He looked up at me from where I was trying to feed Olivia her breakfast. Something came rushing back to me although it was fleeting...I loved this cat, I love this cat...I let him in. He ran out of the kitchen and down the hall towards the garage (where he sleeps and spends his nights). I ran after him and opened the door to the garage, still cold but at least not wet. He went barrelling out towards his food. I realized that so much has changed in a year. My cat became an actual cat and my child is my baby. The world makes sense...but all the same I opened the door to the garage and laid a blanket down in Shiloh's bed.

And thanks to Holly, Elvis, Bailey, Murphy and especially Shiloh....I will always have an unnatural love of cats

Call me what you will...