The Aftermath...

So the past couple of days I seem to have noticed my post-partum body more than ever. Now it really could be much much worse but it really is an odd feeling when you come to terms with the fact that your body will most likely never be the same again.

That doesn't even mean necessarily worse than before but definitely different. I mean I really need to get serious about improving my body physically before I can say "different but not worse". And it doesn't even just refer to aesthetics. My body generally just feels weaker in some places and also aches in places it never did prior to being pregnant, birthing a baby and hauling her 13 plus pounds around day to day.

Anyways I try to avoid mirrors that go below my neck and definitely avoid them while naked...I don't want to feel too depressed. But lately I have stolen a few glances and that compounded by the hair loss that doesn't seem to ease up...urgh I just feel like a shadow of my former self. My hair feels thinner but really doesn't look much different. But I honestly don't know how I can have any left on my head when it literally just sloughs away in clumps especially in the shower!

I would be the last person to say this...but being pregnant felt less alienating when it came to how I feel about my body. I mean that belly was filled with something significant...not ice cream...and it was tight and solid not this weird gumby squishy thing I have now. Plus you don't really feel cute while preggers but looking back at pictures there is just this odd detachment that happens and you find yourself thinking "aww look at that pregnant lady...wait it's me". Also seeing that bump and now knowing exactly every little detail of the little inhabitant...it makes me look even more lovingly at it...as not being fat but carrying and cradling my little Livvy Divey Doodle within me.

Knowing what that belly would become in a few months makes me feel like I could have carried her like that forever...I love her so much more now. I mean yeah I loved her then...but I didn't really know her. Plus not to mention she was much quieter and than! Ha! Easier in than out it what everyone said and boy....were they right! Don't get me wrong I love my baby with all that is in me but motherhood, even just these first 20 weeks, is SOOOOOOO much harder than I imagined it would be.

Then all this "reflection" of pregnancy made me really miss being pregnant. The world is generally a nicer place when you're pregnant. Probably even nicer when the old ladies notice a wedding ring accompanying the belly but that....well that's a whole other issue. But at any rate the world seems to love a pregnant lady much more than a frazzled new mother in sweats and a ponytail desperately trying to contain a screaming infant in the check-out line at the local WalMart.

I don't know...my mother has basically declared to me that if I ever have another child out of wedlock she just might disown me. But who knows if I'll ever get married and the thought that I'll never be pregnant again is truly depressing. I want more babies someday...sometime. I guess I can see the logic of not bringing more kids into a somewhat unstable family dynamic but I don't see why I have to give up siblings for Olivia for it. Urghhh I can't talk about it anymore.

It'll be fine...I'll have it again...I hope

I mean how could I deny the world of more offspring that look like this?